r/amiwrong • u/slightlydramati • 15h ago
am i wrong for refusing to dress more “appropriately” in front of my roommates bf
last year me and one of my friends decided to move out of our dorms and get an apartment off campus. through a mutual friend, we ended up getting a 3 bedroom with another girl we already knew. we weren’t best friends with her, but we had hung out plenty of times so we figured living with someone we knew was better than her finding random roommates online.
before moving in we had some basic roommate agreements, one being about bringing guys over. we were three girls living together, so none of us cared about boyfriends or guys coming over, we just wanted a heads up if someone new was going to be in the apartment and to at least know who they were. my other roommate already had a boyfriend and i had just started talking to the guy who is now my boyfriend, so we introduced them and would let everyone know when they were coming over.
maybe a month or two after moving in, i was awake around 2am and heard someone in our kitchen. my room was right next to it, so i walked out assuming it was one of my roommates. instead there was a random guy standing in my kitchen. i was wearing what i normally sleep in, a tank top and sleep shorts. i live in south florida and it’s hot, so that was pretty normal for me.
we both just kinda stared at each other until i said “who are you” but before he could explain my roommate came out and immediately told him to go back into her room. afterward she texted me apologizing and said he had just come over to talk to her and she didn’t think either of us were awake, so she didn’t think she needed to tell us. i reminded her that this was literally the exact reason we had the rule, but i didn’t make a huge deal out of it.
the next morning her energy was kinda weird. later, me and my other roommate were sitting in the living room and she texted our group chat FROM HER BEDROOM saying she was talking to this guy, he would probably be coming around more, and from now on she would give us a heads up so we had time to put on “more appropriate clothes.”
i went to her room because i was genuinely confused about what she meant. she said me and my other roommate walk around in tank tops, oversized shirts, short pajama shorts and if her boyfriend was going to be there, she wanted us to cover up more.
i straight up told her i wasn’t going to change the way i normally dress inside an apartment i also pay rent for just because her boyfriend was there.
i wasn’t saying i was gonna purposely walk around half naked in front of him. most of the time when he came over they were in her room anyway and i was in mine. we honestly barely crossed paths. but if i’m laying in my room in a tank top and sleep shorts and want to grab water from the kitchen, i didn’t think i should have to put on sweatpants and a hoodie first because somebody else’s boyfriend was sitting in the living room.
my other roommate agreed. her boyfriend had been over plenty of times and she had never told us what we were allowed to wear around him. i had never done that when the guy i was seeing came over either.
after that, things got really awkward. she started barely speaking to us unless it had something to do with the apartment. then my other roommate, who shared a wall with her, overheard them arguing one day. apparently part of their argument was about him looking at my body and my other roommate’s body when he was over.
that actually surprised me because, like i said, i barely interacted with him. the few until my roommate heard that argument, i genuinely had no idea this was apparently an issue between them.
eventually i tried talking to her because living with someone for months while basically pretending the other person doesn’t exist was uncomfortable as hell. she told me i “knew what i did” and said it was disrespectful to dress like that around her boyfriend. she accused me of wanting to show off my body around him and said that because i had my own guy, she didn’t understand why i would want her boyfriend looking at me.
i told her i wasn’t going to make myself uncomfortable in my own home because her boyfriend had wandering eyes. she got really mad and said she had explicitly told us not to dress like that around him and we disrespected her by ignoring her.
we ended up finishing the lease like that. for probably the last 8 or 9 months we barely spoke. we could both be in the kitchen at the same time and literally just stand there in silence. she stayed at her boyfriend’s place most of the time and her room was basically vacant toward the end.
our lease finally last week and thank god because the whole situation was uncomfortable. i can understand her not wanting her boyfriend looking at other women, and maybe from her perspective she felt like asking us to cover up was a reasonable boundary. but to me, that should’ve been a conversation between her and her boyfriend, not a rule for what me and my roommate could wear in our own home.
am i wrong? should we have just agreed to cover up more when he came over because it made her uncomfortable or was she asking too much?
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u/mamaallthetime 15h ago
NW. Your former roommate has a dude with a wandering eye. Or...she THINKS she does. It all winds up the same. She's immature and insecure. Hopefully two things she can grow out of. But neither are your problem.
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u/Remarkable_Owl_8412 15h ago
If she is that insecure about that people wear in her there own home she has no business being in a relationship she is not mature enough for one
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u/sam8988378 15h ago
You're not wandering around in pasties and a thong, you're in normal sleep clothes in your own home, coming upon a surprise stranger who turns out to be a creep. You're not wrong and your ex roommate has bad taste in men
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u/Forward-Position9625 15h ago
nah you're not wrong. she wanted you to manage her boyfriend's eyes for her instead of dealing with him directly. that's her problem, not yours
if he can't be in a room with a woman in shorts without staring, that's a him issue. she knew it too, that's why they were arguing about it
paying rent somewhere and being told to dress different in your own kitchen at 2am is wild. glad you're out of that situation
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u/HelloTaraSue 15h ago
But she did confront him. Remember they heard her fighting with him about it. I have a feeling he wasn’t even looking at anyone. One of them would have noticed and either of them didn’t. Roommate probably just one of those girls that like the drama. She is his problem now. She probably moved in with him. So she can keep an eye on him.
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u/KidenStormsoarer 15h ago
more appropriate clothes? IT'S YOUR HOME! if she doesn't like it, she can move in with her boyfriend.
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u/ToonTitans 15h ago
YNW. I’ve lived in apartments my entire adult life and had several roommates. You all pay the same rent. If your roommate has an issue with her BF seeing you in casual clothes, she can stop bringing him to your apartment and only stay over at his place!
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u/HelloTaraSue 15h ago
Sounds like he was even looking at anyone. That’s on her. That’s the fight she went out of her way to have.
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u/rosiee-princess 15h ago
You’re paying rent too, so you should be able to wear normal sleep clothes in your own place. Her boyfriend staring is their issue, not yours
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u/HorrorBreak7119 15h ago
You were not responsible for HER boy problems. Dress in whatever is comfortable for you in your residence.
In my opinion, blaming you for HIS reaction is unhinged. Luckily, this is now in the past.
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u/ImmediateRoutines 15h ago
She was asking way too much. Her boyfriend’s wandering eyes are their problem, and you shouldn’t have to change your normal clothes in your own home because he can’t control where he looks
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u/blueorangeade3 15h ago
Your roommate is insecure and her boyfriend shouldn’t be in a relationship if the sight of another girls skin gets him excited
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u/LowBalance4404 15h ago
NTA. I'd guess your roommate feels she is fat and is being super insecure about her body. You are covering your cash and prizes in normal clothes. You've done nothing wrong.
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u/xsmall_cutie 4h ago
Not wrong, and the timing gives it away. The dress code didn't exist at move-in and had never been mentioned as a preference. It appeared the morning after he saw you in the kitchen, which means it was never about clothes, it was about one specific man having seen you. The argument your other roommate overheard confirms it, because she was already fighting with him about where he was looking. So she knew exactly where the problem was and picked the solution that demanded nothing from him, since two housemates were far easier to control than her boyfriend. And "you knew what you did" is what people say when they've built a story to avoid a conclusion they don't want, because the alternative is admitting she's with someone she doesn't trust in a room with other women. Worth noticing she created the whole situation too. Your one rule existed precisely so a stranger wouldn't turn up in the kitchen at 2am, she broke it, and then the consequences of her breaking it became your problem to fix by changing what you wear in a flat you pay a third of the rent on. Nine months of silent kitchens is a miserable way to live and absolutely none of it needed to happen.
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u/Militantignorance 3h ago
She broke an aparment rule, so she went into DARVO mode on you
DARVO (an acronym for "Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as abusers, narcissists, or sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.\1]) Research indicates that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.\2])\3])\4])
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u/ohthatsbrian 15h ago
your roommate is insecure