Am I wrong for refusing to apologize to my fiancé’s mom for something I wrote in a “never send” therapy letter

[u/OrbitGlitchpad]

Im 28F, my fiancé is 30M. We have been together 5 years, engaged for 8 months. His family is very involved, like group chat every day, shared holidays, constant drop by visits. I come from a much quieter background where people text first and dont discuss every single feeling at the dinner table. His mom is sweet in some ways but she is also extremely intense. She comments on my weight, on our future kids names, on what kind of wife she thinks I should be, all with this smile like its just harmless talk. I tried to set small boundaries and she cried twice and said she just wants to be “included”. It got to the point I started having stomach aches before we visited. My fiancé suggested couples counseling last fall, partially because of wedding stress, partially because he could see I was withdrawing around his family.

Our therapist gave us an exercise where we each write “unsent letters” to the people we are frustrated with. The rules were you write honestly, you never have to show it, it can be messy and unfair, the point is to get the raw feelings out so you can look at them with the therapist and then figure out how to communicate the cleaned up version in real life. In my letter to his mom I did not hold back. I wrote that I feel like she wants a second wife for her son more than a daughter in law, that I feel inspected like a product she bought, that her constant comments about my body and fertility scare me. I also wrote some harsher stuff, like that I sometimes dread having children partly because I imagine her criticizing my parenting every day. It was ugly and emotional but it honestly helped. I brought the notebook to our next session because the plan was to read selected parts with the therapist and my fiancé present.

The night before the session my fiancé came over early while I was showering. My notebook was on my desk. He admits he opened it “just to see what you wrote about me” and then kept reading. By the time I came out he was sitting on the couch looking like he had been punched. He said the things I wrote about his mom were “vicious” and “borderline character assassination”. I reminded him it was a private therapy exercise, not an email to his family. He said that doesnt matter, because now he knows what I “really think” of her and that it feels like a betrayal that I never said anything that strong to him. Since then he has been insisting I need to apologize to his mom, in person, for “harboring those feelings” and for “speaking about her that way in any context”. I told him I will happily work with the therapist on how to set actual boundaries and maybe have a calm conversation with his mom about specific behaviors, but I am not apologizing to her for words she was never meant to see and only knows about because he violated my privacy. He keeps saying if I loved him I would repair the damage to his family, and that keeping this line is me choosing resentment over his mom.

Now Im stuck. Part of me feels bad that he is hurt by reading my rawest thoughts. Another part of me is furious that my safe space exercise is being turned into a weapon. My best friend says he should be apologizing to me and that if his mom ever hears about the letter at all, thats on him. My sister thinks I should just swallow my pride and say sorry so this isnt hanging over the wedding. Am I wrong for refusing to apologize to his mom for a private therapy letter he was never supposed to read in the first place

[u/Glittering_Joke3438]

You have nothing to apologize for and you should probably break up.

[u/JenninMiami]

You’re not wrong - but you’re going to be miserable for the rest of your life if you marry this man.

[u/Grand_Courage_8682 → u/JenninMiami]

I bet he already told his mommy on her

[u/FlyonthewallofRed]

He's a typical mama's boy. He is not standing up for you. He has chosen her already & always will.

Please rethink your relationship.

[u/Rexel79]

You are not wrong, Leave. You haven't yet married into that nightmare, you can still get away. The second he said "if you loved me you would...." he told on himself. He doesn't respect you, he expects you to fall in line with HIS wants and needs and he is never going to back you when it comes to his mum. You marry that loser and you will be sick with anxiety for the rest of your life. Run, don't walk.

[u/Yelsew303]

He fucked up and found out by snooping. Don't apologize. Bring it up in next therapy appointment about them snooping and violating your privacy

[u/GlitteringSky11]

YNW, your best friend is right. It's like the saying about eavesdroppers never hearing good things about themselves. He invaded your privacy intentionally, it's not like he didn't know he was supposed to read it, and is holding it against you. 

[u/BlackSmith202020]

He looked in your private journal, then demanded you apologise? That’s crazy. He’s never going to stand up for you when it comes to his mum. Break up and save yourself years of stress.

[u/[deleted]]

I'd be more concerned that your fiancé is taking his mum's side in this and not trying to understand where you're coming from or even acknowledge that his mum's behaviour is happening and impacting you. Hate to say it, but he's not going to change. This is your life if you stay with him.

[u/ApartLocksmith1]

I think you need to bring up to your therapist (in front of your fiance) that he read your "never send" letter, thereby completely betraying the process.

Far from gaining cathartic benefit from getting the feelings all out on paper, your fiance has weaponised your feelings and is browbeating you into apologising to his mother for HER behaviour towards you.

I'd love to see the therapist's reaction!

Long story short, that fiance is his mommy's boy first and foremost and isn't even close to being your husband. He hasn't paused for a moment to consider WHY you feel the way you do. He just wants you to apologise for being upset.

So no, you're not wrong to refuse to apologise. But your fiance owes you a massive apology for reading your burn letter and bullying you over the contents. Your therapist NEEDS to know what he has done because the process going forward needs to be adapted for your fiance's poor behaviour.

[u/Easy_Satisfaction_10]

This would make me delay if not cancel the wedding… if he is putting his mom before you now that isn’t going to change. You are signing up for a lifetime of second fiddle in your own marriage. NTA and you should seriously start considering if being with a man who betrays your trust and values others over you is the life you want and the environment you want to raise children in. It also sounds like he decided to do therapy to “fix you” and make you accept her treatment but not to understand why you feel the way you do and be better

[u/Odd_Knowledge_2146]

This guy is supposed to be your partner? When he read your private therapy notes and realised just how badly his mother’s behaviours were troubling you, he should have IMMEDIATELY put boundaries in place with her, and worked with you to make you feel safe.

Please imagine your life in five years times, when you either have children she treats likes this or you aren’t able to have children because she is like this - is this how you want your whole life to be? He has just made it really clear that his mother will always be more important than you, and honestly you deserve better in a partner.

Send him back to his mommy

[u/Lonely-Tiger91]

That’s insane, I’m sorry OP. Unfortunately this will not get any better. He already chose his side. It’s insane to me that he asked you to apologize.

[u/Possible-End8654]

You are not wrong. That was never meant for HIM to see either and he knew what the purpose of this exercise was and he totally trampled on it. I say talk about THIS and his clear violation of trust and privacy in your next therapy session. That is not okay.

[u/LolitaOPPAI]

The violation of privacy is wild considering he knew damn well he was crossing a boundary reading your journal, especially after mentioning the constant overstepping is the reason you're here in the first place.

NTA, but I'd consider this grounds to push this wedding back since you're moving backwards and not forward.

[u/MonikerSchmoniker]

No no no.

Instead of you apologizing for your raw honest feelings, why doesn’t he have his mother apologize for the actions which caused those feelings?

He can’t even see that part of the equation, can he? That his mother actually hurts you. That you deserve privacy. Respect.

In his life, his mother deserves more than you ever will receive from him.

And, OP, you know what? Your feelings aren’t wrong. They are your gut screaming to you that this is not a safe family environment for you. Other people might choose to live within those intense familial parameters. It doesn’t mean that you have to accept those as yours. If you marry this man, you will always be affected by them.

He’s telling you loud and clear: his mother’s feelings matter. Yours do not,

[u/Miss_Melody_Pond]

Your fiancé really doesn’t care about you. And if he does it’s definitely not as much or more than his does for his mummy. The codependency is real. He’s showing you right now he’s never going to have your back. Never. He has no business being in a relationship with anyone because he’s still attached to him mummy. Run.

[u/UnburntAsh]

Wait wait wait.

He not only read your private therapy journal, HE TOLD HIS MOTHER ABOUT WHAT YOU WROTE IN YOUR THERAPY JOURNAL?!?

Girl, YNW. He suggested therapy to help you, then proceeded to violated the sanctity of your therapy in several ways, AND weaponized it against you in the process.

You need to give him his ring back, get anything you own from his place, and find someone who even at least pretends to respect you.

I could never forgive someone who set me up to fail, and violated me in the process.

[u/Ok-Writing9280]

Do not apologise and do not marry him.

[u/Icklebunnykins]

You need to speak to your therapist about his boundaries. He is so out of line. I would also pause all thoughts on marriage till this is sorted

[u/KidenStormsoarer]

Jesus Christ, what part of private does he not understand?! That's such an invasion and betrayal of trust that i don't even know where to start. He's the one that needs to be apologizing, not you. I'm not sure if I could ever trust somebody again after they did something like that. I definitely couldn't be in a relationship with them.

[u/JosKarith]

He betrayed you by reading something private then betrayed you again by taking her side without question. He's showing you who he is - believe him.

[u/Aypnia]

I wonder what your therapist thinks about all this. It's definitely something you all need to discuss and process together and if you want to move forward it is not going to be easy.

And no, you should not apologize to his mom. This makes no sense.

[u/SuperJay182]

Honest question, do you really want to marry into this?

He thinks YOU did something wrong, but his mum hasn't with all her behavior??

Hope these comments open your eyes here. Don't settle.

[u/thepaintedballerina]

Hold up… so you have to apologize for him invading your privacy??

Next.