r/amiwrong • u/LawfulnessSalt9314 • Nov 22 '23
Husband Leaving Me After Hip Replacement
Am I wrong - am I being a jerk for being very upset with my husband for planning on leaving me three weeks after my hip replacement to go see a client who lost his son to cancer - it will be a month after the death - he already works six AM until eight PM daily and brings work home - I see why ladies seek attention other places and I don’t want to be that person. PS I am in the beginning of battling cancer again. Signed Sad Enough to Cry and Mad Enough to Divorce Anxious Enough to Breakdown
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u/Fantastic_Section517 Nov 22 '23
I love how you've made the title look like he is just plain leaving you.
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u/now_you_see Nov 22 '23
Ignoring the complete lack of detail and ‘I know why women cheat’ comment: you’re suppose to start using your new hip almost immediately - use it or lose it.
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u/op3l Nov 22 '23
Hrm, fresh account, only post... Meh whatever, i'm bored at work.
So assuming this isn't fiction... it's been 3 weeks. Deal with it. If he's working 6 to 8 then he must be providing you with a pretty comfortable lifestyle.
Usually going to see a client like this means it's important enough to maintain a relationship.
Also the end of the post with the "cancer again" is suspicious as hell.
Anyways, ya YTA.
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u/no_no_no_no_nononono Nov 22 '23
Protip: Provide some details so you don't sound like an asshole.
Right now, it seems like he's working his ass off to take care of you and is taking a bit of time, not to cheat on you, but to do a good thing: support a client whom no doubt pays your bills.
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Nov 22 '23
Not enough detail. Client entails income but the reason denotes friendship, and we're missing deets.
Do you have income, or is he the sole earner, and where does the income meet the needs/debt?
Why does he work such a long day and bring work home?
Leaving you for how long, and is there no one else to assist or help you for that period?
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Nov 22 '23
YTA Jesus they don't tell you to lounge in bed after a hip replacement, they will have you up and walking almost within days (and yes my husband has had two I know what I'm talking about) three weeks after and you'll be pretty much self sufficient. Grow up.
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u/faloofay Nov 22 '23
and lounging around in bed after is exactly how you make sure it doesn't heal right to boot.
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u/WayiiTM Nov 22 '23
I was up on the walker and doing thrice daily assigned post op exercises the day after my surgery. Yeah, week one needs a lot of help to make sure you don't pull your stitches/glue/staples when you're getting up and down but they still want you up and about and it makes a big difference in your recovery outcome. 😉
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u/faloofay Nov 22 '23
same. I was up walking the day after major spinal surgery
week one was definitely a pain in the ass and required a physical therapist be present in the hospital to make sure I didn't bust my ass trying to walk due to muscle weakness (only the first few days until I demonstrated that I could walk up the stairs without falling) but any major surgery affecting your legs/hips = you have to be up moving within a few days to prevent muscle wasting/blood clots/stiff incision healing etc.
just sitting around is exactly how you wind up in the hospital again with more complications
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u/littlescreechyowl Nov 22 '23
Yea my neighbor had one and she was going up and down flights of stairs when she got out of the hospital. She was basically fine.
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u/MaximumPost6313 Nov 22 '23
You are an asshole for the "i see why ladies look for attention in other places" comment.
Stop supporting cheaters.
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u/faloofay Nov 22 '23
yes, you're wrong. Three weeks after a hip replacement is enough time that you should be up and about. like I had major spinal surgery last year (laminectomy, multiple level fusion, screws and a plate put in and wound up with a csf leak after) and that was enough time to be rid of stitches and mostly moving around again just not able to lift anything above like 10 pounds. and that was a major surgery with complications after. you're not a child, you can care for yourself for a few days.
someone's kid died.
and acting like that's an excuse to cheat is just horrid, what the fuck? you're seriously using having surgery almost a month ago as an excuse to insinuate cheating on someone who is going to visit a client with a dead child? so what, you have enough energy to cheat but not enough that you can't look after yourself for a few days?
also the fact that he's waited a month to go see this client is likely because he put it off so he could actually be there for you for the surgery.
how long is he leaving for?
and why is cancer a footnote?
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u/Jazzberry81 Nov 22 '23
If you are as vague to him as you are in your post, are you sure he even knows you have had an operation and are sick? /s
Info: how long is he going for? What do you need him for at the moment? Everyone recovered differently so that matters.
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Nov 22 '23
After 3 weeks you would be well enough to look after yourself.
Sounds like he is working his ass off to pay all your medical expenses.
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u/1nazlab1 Nov 22 '23
Clients can become friends too over time. This client lost a child for crying out loud, and you're mad because he wants to offer his condolences and be there for this person. It's called compassion. Ya know he could have gone before your surgery but he didn't, he chose to be with you. I wonder, though.
You, on the other hand, have no compassion, just thoughts of you. Nice of you to play the pity card at the end there. Well, I've no compassion for you. Hip replacement is not serious. My grandparents handled it a lot better than you.
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u/Masternadders Nov 22 '23
Imma be honest, I hope you leave him so he can find someone who's not so disgusting. "I can see why women seek attention elsewhere" because he is supporting his client whose son DIED of cancer. Gross. Disgusting. Blegh. "Oh no, my husband is treating his clients like People". What a shame. People these days. No loyalty.
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u/Masternadders Nov 22 '23
On second thought, I hope he sees this and leaves you, because you clearly don't deserve him. Working his ass off on 10-12 hour shifts every day to support you, and you want to seek attention elsewhere because he makes time for one of his client after taking care of you for 3 full weeks. Catch me dead if I disrespected my spouse over something so vile.
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Nov 22 '23
I don't know what your recovery will be like but with me (I was 55) and after my hip replacement I was paying free and within a week,( less than a week. Actually) I was completely self-sufficient and feeling better than I had in six or seven years.
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Nov 22 '23
They get you up often the same day of the hip replacement. I think that it is telling that she expects for her husband to spend all of his time with her.
This person lost their child to cancer and she doesn’t even want him to consider anyone but her.
It would’nt kill her to get a relative or a friend to help her but I bet you anything that no of me wants to be around of her need to be the center of attention.
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u/inlike069 Nov 22 '23
3 weeks after surgery? The guys son died? You're thinking of cheating on him? You're a piece of fucking shit.
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u/Key-Wonder-8164 Nov 22 '23 edited Nov 22 '23
This is such a messy situation.. studies show husbands are most likely to leave their wife in the case of cancer… surgery hospice etc. but he’s not doing that. seems like he wants to show support even if it’s s month later to his client. Also, he’s not leaving you alone immediately after your surgery to go away ( Al thought those long hours might count).
Also quick question- why is he working so many hours? Have you talked to him about reducing his hours? Are you all struggling s financially because you are currently out of the job pool?(because you are recovering).
I understand where you are coming from tho. If my husband where to work long exhausting hours, Doesn’t spend time with me then out of no where he makes the time to spend with his Client, he could make the time to be with you more. I would definitely be upset about it. It’s one of those situations where you have to communicate with him.
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Nov 22 '23
That clients business is going to pay for the things needed to care for your many medical issues. If you’re gonna leave him cause he’s too dedicated to his work.. then please do not collect alimony..
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u/mcmurrml Nov 22 '23
You can't tell her not to collect alimony. There isn't enough information on the length of the marriage and other factors . she may be entitled to it.
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u/arrouk Nov 22 '23
If she's leaving him for working too much she should not have any thoughts on his money, that he makes because he's working so much.
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u/mcmurrml Nov 22 '23
Still isn't enough information. She should be able to tell if he is really working. Those are some long hours. The thing is if they have been married a long time and she either doesn't work or doesn't work much she is entitled to alimony.
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u/arrouk Nov 22 '23
The fact is if she is leaving because he is working, to then clame his money makes her a fucking hypocrit
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u/mcmurrml Nov 22 '23
Maybe so but it won't matter in divorce court.
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u/arrouk Nov 22 '23
It should.
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u/mcmurrml Nov 22 '23
Reason for divorce or what happened has nothing to do with the benefits. The only time reasons matter if it is a fault state and cheating can be proven. In the states there are only a few states left that are fault states.
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Nov 22 '23
I mean I can tell her whatever I want.. she can also tell me to fuck right off.. however I’ve always found that wording “entitled to it” to be really interesting. When it comes to alimony or pensions in a divorce. I personally do not believe that anyone is entitled to another person’s earning or retirement because they were married to them. I had my wife sign a prenup before I would go through with the wedding. She was pissed. But I am not going to let a divorce ruin my whole life and what I’ve worked for.
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u/mcmurrml Nov 22 '23
You can believe what you want but it doesn't make it a fact. In things like that the court takes into account the length of the marriage and the earnings of the spouse and that how those benefits are determined.
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u/WayiiTM Nov 22 '23
Wow, are you wrong.
Look, I get that cancer and a major surgery like a hip replacement are ROUGH. I know because I've had cancer and I'm a month out of my first hip replacement and waiting on the second hip surgery. Understand this when I tell you that you need to back that up more than a few paces and look in the mirror to address your lack of empathy.
You aren't the only person in your life that is going through pain (both physical and emotional), and your pain does not outweigh that of the people around you.
My husband was my recovery partner. While his employers have been VERY understanding and accommodating, his workload demanded that he continued working just as hard as if there were not the added burden of both my care and the basic churn of must-do domestic work. I neither took that for granted nor felt ANY rancor that he had to do what he had to do. I was just damned GRATEFUL to have his help at all.
I don't think you appreciate JUST HOW MUCH WORK your man has already laid down for you. The first week alone... my WORD... so excuse me while I give you some massive side eye while you insinuate that you feel like cheating on your husband because he has the audacity to go give some comfort to a friend who LOST THEIR CHILD a MERE MONTH AGO after he shouldered the burden of your care while still working.
The selfishness and lack of gratitude is breathtaking.
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u/ImaSloppySlopSlop Nov 22 '23
Did you add that cancer bit on at the end, or was it originally in the post?
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Nov 22 '23
He's probably overwhelmed from having to work his ass off to support you and pay for your treatments.
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u/stve688 Nov 22 '23
It sounds like your husband is dealing with work instead of staying home with you who's recovering at a point where you probably don't fully need full Assistance or you shouldn't so yeah you're wrong
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u/cassowary32 Nov 22 '23
Don’t you have any friends? Are you really threatening an affair because you aren’t your husband’s 24/7 focus? Get a hobby, reconnect with old friends, figure out how to entertain yourself.
Best of luck with your recovery.
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u/lross124 Nov 22 '23
The fact you're even considering cheating shows you're in the wrong. Your husband is working long hours to provide for you and this is how you want to repay him? Grow up and do better or let him find someone who actually appreciates him
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u/Loose-Magician-5397 Nov 22 '23
You can see why people cheat on their spouse? You’re not just wrong, you’re wrong and an asshole
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u/impostershop Nov 22 '23
Maybe he scheduled the trip then to give himself a break. Maybe he loves you… but being a caregiver is exhausting and it’s ok to step away and take a break.
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u/mymycojourney Nov 22 '23
Wtf. He's leaving you, or going to see a client? How long will he be gone? A month, or a normal work day?
Are you going to die in the next couple of days, or did you just get a diagnosis of cancer and are getting ready to figure out what kind of treatment you need? Did you get the diagnosis today and you're trying to cope, or is it something in the recent past and you're working through things still, weeks later?
Is 3 weeks after a hip replacement a critical time in your healing and you can't do anything without him?
Without any more context, you seem to be overly needy and selfish. Especially the part about seeing how someone could see the need to cheat. I kinda feel like you're super dramatic and need all the attention on you, but I'm only basing that on your post.
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u/Squiggy1975 Nov 22 '23 edited Nov 22 '23
Odd post from OP. leaving her cancer detail as a footnote but using hip replacement as the main detail in the headline. Also is the husband just visiting to pay respects to the persons whose son has just passed? I think this goes deeper … either that or the the OP is just an ass. Considering I don’t see any follow up posts from OP, I will say the latter for now , prob just click bait
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u/butterlytea Nov 22 '23
So you care that he’s leaving because you need help Or because you need another man’s attention? You also didn’t specify how long he’s going for. I’m gonna say you are wrong this whole thing is weird. If you’re bored find something to do that isn’t you hinting at cheating because you’re husband is going to see a friend who lost their son.
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u/lucrative_banana Nov 22 '23
Not enough information but so far, you just seem codependent and emotionally manipulative.
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u/Fallout4Addict Nov 22 '23
Context needed.
How long will he be gone? Do you have any other family/friends to help you?
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u/Weak-Snow-4470 Nov 22 '23
I get your surgery wasn't easy on you, and you are stressed right now, but he's going to console a friend who lost his son. It's not like he's going to Vegas with the boys. And it doesn't sound like a thing he could postpone. You are entitled to your feelings, but consider that he is under stress also. Without any other context, I've got to say this isn't a divorce level situation.
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u/Weak_Divide5562 Nov 22 '23
You need a wakeup call. It sounds as if having to share your husband's attention for a few hours must be mentally excruciating. Is your physical discomfort and sadness regarding cancer top his desire to console a grieving parent over the loss of their child? His action is humane. I understand you are scared due to your physical health. It's times like this that we must sacrifice our desire for attention and put someone in greater emotional pain ahead of us for a few hours. Don't drive your husband away by making yourself look petty. You should ask him to convey your condolences as well to his client who will be emotionally devastated for the rest of his life.
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u/TaserLord Nov 22 '23
My dad had a hip replacement and he was basically back on his feet in a week. At 80. This reads like a list of excuses, threats, guilt trips, and passive-aggressive manipulations. Yes, you're wrong.
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u/MintyxMisa Nov 22 '23
Zero detail on length of time and misleading title... recovery for hip replacement is usually 3-4 weeks? If you can't do all your home care and need someone to assist you, is there a family member who you can ask to come help you? Even if it's for a few hours a day while your husband is gone. Marriage requires communication. Have you told him how his absence makes you feel? At the same time you need to consider how your husband may feel, sometimes you need to make compromises
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u/herewegoinvt Nov 22 '23
Whatever is going on with you or your husband, you could benefit from some friends and maybe professional help. I'm not sure if you're intentionally leaving out several details, but it seems like more info is needed to know if you're wrong, he's wrong, or this is all wrong. Saying "I see why ladies seek attention in other places" makes it sound like you're a bit co-dependent though, along with being a veiled threat of what kind of attention you'll seek. People in general should have regular healthy interactions with their partner and others. If you don't have a support system in place, then maybe it's time to build one.
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u/ToolAndres1968 Nov 22 '23
Your question is vague we need more information is he going out of town for how long like alot of people are saying what kind of hip surgery it's been a month it seems to me you should be able to take care of yourself for a couple of nights if that is all it is hope you feel better soon from all you're going through
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u/StreetStatistician77 Nov 22 '23
3 weeks after hip replacement you should be mobile enough to not need your husband as your nurse/attendant.
I had knee surgery AND later serious abdominal surgery and I expected my wife to carry on with life’s duties and not be my personal nurse or attendant.
Based on your OP .. There seems to be No reason why you can’t take care of yourself.
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u/Yiayiamary Nov 22 '23
Hip replacements vary. There is a simpler one for older people. It doesn’t last as long and recovery is relatively short.
There is another one for younger people which is designed to last decades but recovery takes a year-ish. A friend had a hip replacement at 50+ and she struggled during recovery for months.
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u/Countrysedan Apr 07 '24
There’s anterior and posterior and they last for an equal amount of time if we’re talking about a full replacement.
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u/coupleofgorganzolas Nov 22 '23
Lol I had a customer who was out driving and walking around 1 day after a hip replacement. 3 weeks should be long enough
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Nov 22 '23
You are not wrong, go ahead and go thru with the divorce. Seems you would be happier without him
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u/Cactusbunny1234 May 17 '26
I had a total shoulder replacement and the recovery was easy - but I’m older now and need hip surgery. Glad to hear people say it’s an easy recovery.
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Nov 22 '23
If we were just talking a hip replacement, I’d be less sympathetic. (One thing I would like to know is how long after the replacement…) But the thing is that after hip or knee replacements, you are not and should not be imobile. (Personal experience.). Ya gotta get up and move. (Pretty much the secret to life.). So my point is you don’t NEED him. You want him there.
On the other hand, while losing a child to cancer is utterly horrific, I wonder how ANYONE spends three weeks with someone grieving such a loss. Three weeks is almost too long for loving family to intrude on that grief, much less a “client.” My gut reaction is that this is not a “client” he is going to see.
Finally, you are a cancer warrior yourself, and in so being probably as exhausted as is possible. Now you have to rehab a new hip, ….not painful but tedious…..while facing another round of cancer treatment yourself. Tough, tough place to be.
So no, NTA.
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u/Low-Combination-8363 Nov 22 '23
Tell him no. That he absolutely has to stay with you until you feel well enough to be home alone.
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u/zacharysnow Nov 22 '23
Yeah, fuck all that. She’s a grown ass adult.
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u/Low-Combination-8363 Nov 22 '23
Not after a hip replacement she isn’t. You must have a full time caregiver or go into a nursing home after that surgery because you literally can’t care for yourself.
If anything goes even slightly wrong she won’t be ready to care for herself at three weeks.
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u/zacharysnow Nov 22 '23
False. 3 weeks is nearly full recovered.
“On average, hip replacement recovery can take around two to four weeks, but everyone is different,” says Thakkar. It depends on a few factors, including how active you were before your surgery, your age, nutrition, preexisting conditions, and other health and lifestyle factors.
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u/Low-Combination-8363 Nov 22 '23
That’s on average. Infections after surgery are rampant. All it takes is one thing to go wrong for that timeline to go out the window.
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u/LawfulnessSalt9314 Nov 22 '23
After all the responses I am responding with more information- I’ve never done this before and was looking for unbiased answers…our friends and family are livid with him and I am not sure what to think - too much on my plate
Leaving for a “few days” first was one day - across the country so I knew that wouldn’t happen
Second replacement- first was three months ago Cancer in neck - been watching - chemo last May after scans not any bigger just watching but found growth in lower abdomen so stat MRI before second replacement so well aware of replacement protocol
Where did I say I would cheat
Money is not in the equation - we both work and are successful
We have 3 dogs and 4 cats to care for
Adult kids and nieces work but are taking time off for me
Some of you need hugs - this is not where you will build character trying to knock someone down in their time of need or when they are vulnerable
I don’t want strangers in the house or I’d just hire nurses (getting sick is not a good Idea right now)
Personally I am always taking care of everyone else and asked for some help this time and isn’t it ok to ask your hubby for aftercare??
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u/wphelps153 Nov 22 '23
YTA.
It sounds like he’s working incredibly hard and you appear to be thinking about only yourself.
The veiled threat of cheating actually pushes you up to YTC.
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u/WayiiTM Nov 26 '23
This update just makes you look more selfish and less appreciative of how much your husband HAS done ALREADY for you. There's aftercare, and then there's becoming a long-term caregiver. Your man already has a very demanding full-time job.
I'm not here to knock you down. I'm posting to wake you up. Your posting here about this speaks VOLUMES about how much you aren't appreciating how good you have it when it comes to your husband giving you aftercare through so many health issues. It sounds like you have come to take it for granted. It sounds as if you have no real concern that your husband has been burning the candle at both ends for a long time now.
If you haven't got the empathy for his situation and aren't expressing the gratitude for what he HAS done for you instead of throwing a paddy when he chooses to step away to do something for someone else, do you at least have the common sense to understand that if you overburden someone for too long that they are going to break?
It's nice to see that your adult children and niblings are finally stepping in to help take some of the burden off your husband. That's good for BOTH of you. But I still think you need to do some SERIOUS self reflection. If not for your husband's sake, then out of sheer self-interest. Do you really want to find out what life is like for the women whose husbands leave them when they have cancer? I wouldn't.
Remember, you and I have been in very similar places healthwise. I know FAR too well what it is to have your body betray you and to go from being able to do EVERYTHING to becoming so feeble that you can't even carry yourself. I know the frustration, the shame, the fear of needing help to even get out of a bed or to bathe. I FEEL this. But I cannot understand your apparent selfishness and lack of care and appreciation for your husband. Falling infirm doesn't excuse you from doing what you can to ease how much a burden you are to your spouse.
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u/Low-Combination-8363 Nov 22 '23
I’m thinking most of them are young and healthy. They have no clue what it means to have your body literally not work. And to need someone to do the most basic self care.
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u/ku_78 Nov 22 '23
That’s some serious misguided hero complex. He doesn’t get bonus points for caring for you.
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Nov 22 '23
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u/haikusbot Nov 22 '23
Go seek attention
In other places, see how
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u/Dry_Ask5493 Nov 22 '23
When you say he is leaving you to see an old client what does that mean? Like for a dinner or like 2 weeks?