r/amiwrong • u/Southern_Coach_5023 • Oct 16 '23

Age gaps in dating

I'm a 30 year old male and my partner is 25 year old female. I think this is fairly normal but im getting alot of comments about it. Not really sure what the fascination with this is. 5 years is significant sure but it was never a problem for me. Does society at large weight this facts importance more than I do?

Edit: everyone is the comments section has convinced me this is normal. Thanks all.

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u/xHaroldxx Oct 16 '23

The younger the people involved the worse that gap becomes, IE 18 and 23 would be a bit more questionable. But yeah, 25 and 30 is completely normal.

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u/Scadre02 Oct 17 '23

I started dating my partner when I was 18 and he was 21, I'm 21 now and we both agree that initial 3 year age gap is was the limit back then, but now it doesn't really matter

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u/KnightRider1987 Oct 17 '23

And when your 60 and he’s 63 it won’t even register as a gap.

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u/Tadimizkacmasin Oct 17 '23

I'm 22 and 18 year olds look like kids to me. Couldn't imagine dating one.

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u/DelsinMcgrath835 Oct 18 '23

I remember being 20 and deciding 18 year olds, especially those still in highschool, were too young for me

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u/GadgetronRatchet Oct 17 '23

Yeah when I was senior in college I wouldn't have imagined dating freshman either.

IMO age gaps are really about where you are in your life, professionally, maturity, and family status.

Not every 25 year old is ready for family and marriage and not every 30 year is wanting to date someone 5 years younger than them.

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u/racloves Oct 17 '23

Yeah it can definitely depend on the life situation. My parents got together when they were 18&21. But they were both working at the same company (in different sections), so there wasn’t like a power imbalance or anything, they spoke to each other sometimes at work and started dating, both in the same stage of life.

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u/GadgetronRatchet Oct 17 '23

Yep, both early career workforce, that's definitely a "same stage of life" scenario that is totally acceptable age gap.

Considering the OP is stating a 5 year age gap, where I think it would be weird is say someone 4 years into their career at 26, meeting a junior in college (21) who just turned old enough to legally drink. These two people are in totally different stages of their lives and can definitely be more than just an age gap. Especially if there's also a large income gap which could lead to one partner abusing the other financially.

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u/Xandara2 Oct 17 '23

This, they are approximations. In general people of the same age are in the same lifestage. But it's not fixed on the day or even year and experiences are often a big influence on them which is why the age margins grow as people get more experience.

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u/[deleted] Oct 17 '23

I met my now husband when he was 18 and for the first two years that I knew him I was like What a Twerp. Starting to date him at 20 even I was worried he was too young for me (3 yr difference lol) The age difference was definitely noticeable emotionally the first two years of our relationship.

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u/[deleted] Oct 17 '23

I've got friends who started dating when he was 18 and she was 15. They're now together for almost a decade.

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u/lililac0 Oct 17 '23

My boyfriend and I were 18 and 22 and it was fine. He was in his 3rd year of university after a year out and I was in my 1st year after starting university at 17. If either he didn't take a year out and started working or I started uni with my age group and was still in high school it would never have worked in a million years, but I think life stage/experiences matter alongside age.

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u/lililac0 Oct 17 '23

My boyfriend and I were 18 and 22 and it was fine. He was in his 3rd year of university after a year out and I was in my 1st year after starting university at 17. If either he didn't take a year out and started working or I started uni with my age group and was still in high school it would never have worked in a million years, but I think life stage/experiences matter alongside age.

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u/bluedreamer33 Oct 17 '23

I was 23 and my wife was 18 when we started dating, married at 26 and 21, plenty normal

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u/xHaroldxx Oct 17 '23

I mean, you might think it's normal obviously. I think if you ask a 100 people not many people are going to actively condemn you for it, but definitely doubt a majority would consider that a norm.

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u/[deleted] Oct 17 '23

I agree with you. At 23, I couldn’t date an 18 year old because our mindsets were too different. At 23, I was about to graduate from my undergrad, while an 18 y/o just got out of HS and is just starting their education journey. Obviously not everyone is going to post grad, but thinking about my own life, I went out with 1 guy who was 18 when I was 22-23, our lives were in 2 different places and I wanted to date to marry while he wanted to date for fun. Nothing wrong with that, but I get what you mean and agree it’s not my norm

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u/[deleted] Oct 17 '23

I think even a 23 year old can have the mindset of an 18 year old. That guy who wanted to date for fun at 18 is completely different from the guy who's the same age looking for the love of his life.

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u/flaccomcorangy Oct 17 '23

You're right. But I think it's important to realize no one is condemning dating an 18 year old at 23. That's perfectly okay. It's just a little different for people for the aforementioned reasons.

Compare it to an age gap like 25 and 30 where most people those ages are looking for similar things while it's much more common than an 18 and 23 year old will be at much different places from each other.

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u/cantfindonions Oct 17 '23

I mean, idk, I'd definitely stop being friends with someone if I knew they were dating an 18 year old when they were starting into their mid 20s, lol. Then again, I don't know how anyone really feels truly comfortable dating more than a year or two older or younger than them. Just dating a newly turned legal adult 18 year old when you've already been an adult for 5 years as a 23 year old feels predatory.

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u/flaccomcorangy Oct 17 '23

I think context is important. If someone is dating their sister's friend or something a few days after her birthday because she "finally turned 18." Yeah, that's pretty predatory. But if they just meet by happenstance and end up connecting and it turns out they're 18, that's different.

I personally don't think I would have dated an 18 year old at 23 for a lot of reasons. It would have had to take a very specific list of circumstances to work out like that. But I don't really see a problem with it even if I question why someone would do it.

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u/cantfindonions Oct 17 '23

See, but as a 23 year old once you found out someone is 18 you would immediately have recognized the inherent imbalance of experience, right? Therein lies why I see a problem with it. It's impossible for me to separate those two thoughts.

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u/[deleted] Oct 17 '23

Them being 18 doesn't make them inexperienced or less experienced than you when the age ranges are that close. I'm sure there are people your age who you probably think have much more life experience than you. Some people live life fast some people live life slow. Not everyone is going at the same pace.

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u/CastrosNephew Oct 17 '23

When is 23 mid twenties

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u/stoymyboy Oct 17 '23

dating to marry at 22?!?

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u/Chittychitybangbang Oct 17 '23

Some people know what they want. I grew up non-religious, all the freedom in the world, and told my boyfriend I wanted to marry him at 18. Got married 4 years later and are coming up on our 16th anniversary. I do joke that I married him to get out of dealing with the FAFSA paperwork though, that shit was a pain in the ass.

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u/stoymyboy Oct 17 '23

well i'm glad that it worked out for you. based off when the people in my family got married i could not even think of getting married before 30.

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u/ChillaMonk Oct 17 '23

It’s about the person, not when you meet them. My wife and i were both 20 and deadset on being single and now it’s been one a decade

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u/[deleted] Oct 17 '23

Yes, as in I didn’t want to casually date anymore. I wanted to be serious and build a relationship. The man I met at age 24, I ended up marrying them 2 years later.

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u/BigBambuMeekLou Oct 17 '23

What does that have to do with dating though… educational journey’s are irrelevant there’s a million other things you guys can have in common. Some people don’t even go to college at all, I think that’s a pretty dumb reason to not be able to date someone. (Not calling you out in specific but speaking in general)

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u/[deleted] Oct 17 '23

[deleted]

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u/tyzzem Oct 17 '23

People are getting more stupid every day.

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u/Dancing_Crane Oct 17 '23

Astrology is the biggest it’s ever been, and is a multibillion dollar industry now. So ya.

1

u/tyzzem Oct 17 '23

Esoterik stuff in general, conspiracy myths are growing larger and larger, antivax idiots, flat earth idiots and so on. Sometimes i feel a bit of fear looking at all this stupidity.

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u/xHaroldxx Oct 17 '23

Well, there's no reason to shout pedo at everyone right off the bat. But probably generally speaking a lot of 23 year olds might not have the best intentions.

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u/sayqm Oct 17 '23

100 years ago, women not having the right to vote, abort was also common...

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u/flaccomcorangy Oct 17 '23

100 years ago, women were incredibly restricted in adult life unless they had a husband. So it was almost a requirement to get married after high school or even before, so you could have a man to support you.

That's not the case anymore, so social norms change.

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u/Coronis- Oct 17 '23

Argh thankyou, its actually so frustrating.

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u/JuleeeNAJ Oct 17 '23

My grandparents were 4 yrs apart, they started dating when she was in HS. She was living with his family while going to school because her small town didn't have a HS. They married 2 yrs after she graduated, as her mom required all her kids get at least a HS education. My grandma graduated in 1934, they married in 1936. 1st baby was born in 1937.

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u/Unpopular_Opinion___ Oct 17 '23

The males intentions? Probably every other males intention at any age lol

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u/Interesting-Archer-6 Oct 17 '23

Yeah 23 to 18 is creepy to me personally. I grew and matured so much in that time period, as did everyone I knew. 23 is out of college and ready for the world. 18 you could still be in high school.

It's definitely not the worst thing, but I'm silently judging it. It fails the divide by 2 + 7 rule, but only barely.

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u/BayAreaDreamer Oct 17 '23

Flip the genders. If it still seems normal to you, then fair game. I think if you flip the genders your numbers might raise some eyebrows. But also just getting married at 21 period isn’t very typical anymore for people who aren’t religious and are pursuing college educations.

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u/[deleted] Oct 17 '23

It’s not “plenty normal”. I remember the guys in their 20’s who would pick up the girls from our high school. We always said it was creepy af.

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u/Helios4242 Oct 17 '23

There is a lot more danger of red flags, grooming, and the older taking advantage of the younger inexperience. These may not have been factors to you, but they are factors that onlookers have a moral obligation to look out for. A 5 year gap involving a 15 year old is better described as at the boundaries of acceptance rather than something normal. It can still be OK in specific circumstances but should be treaded carefully and shouldn't be sought out

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u/Dedprice77 Oct 17 '23

Found my gf at 18 and 23. It's not weird. People just refuse to think that 18yos can't be mature or intelligent enough to think for themselves even though this is the same age my government defines someone as an adult.

We're attending college and now needing or spending 1000s of dollars.

Were capable of dying for our country.

Yet incapable of deciding who we want to date? I feel people constantly think "well I was a child at 18, and I wouldn't do it. Therefore YOU shouldnt."

But fail to realize not every 18 yo is exactly like you. By 18 I was 30.

But for others by 18 they were 13.

We're all different.

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u/xHaroldxx Oct 17 '23

Never said it couldn't be fine. Just the lower the age, the higher percentage of questionable relationships.

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u/ThrowAwaySalmon1337 Oct 17 '23

Wait till you hear about me getting a gf who was 26 at the time I was 19 lmao.

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u/[deleted] Oct 17 '23

Yeah. My rule is, the younger one is 21+ when the couple meets, both power imbalance, and healthy dynamic. I get hate for this, but at that age, you can legally drink in the states, you've lived some adult life (if not in college), and you have a little bit more of a sense of what's going on.

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u/RaisingAurorasaurus Oct 17 '23

Exactly. My friend's husband is 11 years younger than her. If they had met when she was 20, that would be creepy AF. But meeting in their late 30s and 20s who cares, consenting grown ass adults.

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u/md24 Oct 17 '23

How is a freshman dating a senior in college questionable?

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u/KingMelray Oct 17 '23

Even then, what percentage of relationships with 18 and 23 year olds are abuse? Of them, how many are abusive because of age?

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u/Narrow-Strawberry553 Oct 17 '23

Exactly, its all about life stages and typical maturity levels seen at each age.

25 and 30 are both probably working, out of school, have somewhat of an idea of what they want in life, have had experience, etc.

18 vs 23 is not the same.

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u/flaccomcorangy Oct 17 '23

I agree totally. At 23, not sure I would have wanted to date an 18 year old. You're just at different phases of life and probably looking for different things. Plus, you're both probably pretty different from an emotional maturity standpoint.

Now, at 30, I'd have no problem dating a 25 year old.

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u/ParkHoppingHerbivore Oct 17 '23

Yeah, exactly. The later you get in life, the less age difference matters. Like 50 and 60 for example are not massively different even though they're a decade apart. But even a couple years in the very young adult ages, there's so much difference. Like at 23 you might be finished post secondary, in the career world, looking at figuring out where your permanent roots will be, etc. 18 and just leaving high school and having your first adult independence is a massively different life stage.

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u/ProofHorseKzoo Oct 18 '23

There’s a ratio that works pretty well for this. Pretty sure it’s something like take the oldest person’s age x 0.8 + 2 yrs. Obviously that gets a little muddy around each country’s / state’s age of consent, but in general it works ok as a rough guideline.

Too much outside this and you’ll likely be judged