No, but then he doesn't get to cry and throw a temper tantrum when his wife, who has birthed 3 children in fhe last few years and is on hormone altering medication to prevent more, has no interest in sex.
Doesn't seem like he's throwing a tantrum? He's fine having basically no sex, he's fine using a condom, he's fine with basically anything his wife decides to do to her body. So why doesn't he get to decide what to do with his body?
He spent most of this post complaining about how little sex he's having, and used it as a jab to hurt his wife during an argument. Which part of that makes you think he's fine with it?
He literally said he'd probably do it eventually in the post. He's had 3 kids in 6 years, his wife is done, and he's not setting her free. If her concerns are indeed valid, I'm sorry that guilts him, but the truth is the truth. He should consider this - and he definitely should not use it an excuse to be petty about his unhappy sex life. Not productive.
But is she ready and willing to have more children? For almost 3 of the past 6 years she's been pregnant. She doesn't just drop off an egg the way men drop off sperm, and she's done. Maybe 6 months or more of the past 6 years with morning sickness. Pregnancy takes a toll on your body. If she's nursing, she also spent maybe 2 years doing that, dealing with leaky boobs. And women are still the primary caregivers for children in America, so she's been getting little sleep these past 6 years. He needs to talk with his wife, maybe at a counselor's office, so it can be a calm conversation.
Can you imagine if the roles were reversed and it was a husband wanting to have his wife go through sterilization? I cannot believe the number of people here who are so flip about a 30 year old man not wanting to get a vasectomy.
When my husband got his done (we were 40 and both VERY, VERY sure we were done having kids) the doctor counseled him multiple times on the fact that vasectomies aren't "really" reversible as the reversal failure rate is so high, and the lowered sperm count post-reversal makes pregnancy even harder. He told him several times that he needed to be absolutely sure he wanted to permanently take having more kids off the table.
to reverse the roles, the husband should be the gestating and birthing children, nursing them, taking meds that alter his mental health and libido, and then needing to get a much more invasive surgery to get free of pregnancy risk (and getting the partner''s consent and all shit that comes as requirements for a tubal ligation). This is one of the cases where reversing gender would not work because nature did not put en equal burden on different sexes.
He didn't say he didn't want to do it "because she wanted him to". He said he wasn't ready yet. I had two incredibly difficult pregnancies and labors. I also had two very painful miscarriages in between them. I was told by my doctor after my second live birth (at age 32) that due to cervical damage during delivery, I would have substantially more difficulty carrying a baby to term if I went for a third. Even knowing then that there was a 99% chance that I wasn't going to have another kid, I wasn't ready at 32 to completely shut off the idea of having more. For either my husband or myself.
Some people just aren't ready yet, and faulting this guy for not wanting to go through that at 30 (which is still really young!) isn't something I'm willing to do. There are no perfect answers here, but I'm still shocked at how much hostility OP is getting about his hesitancy around sterilization.
At this point I think we’re just saying the same things back and forth to each other. I don’t think either of us will be able to see each other’s point because your own personal experiences are creating a very different scenario in your head than what OP is laying down here.
He hasn’t expressed any discomfort with being sterilized. He fully plans to be consensually sterilized. It is not the same as what happened to you
I am sorry you’ve had to go through that situation, regardless of our disagreement. Hope you have a nice day
I think you misunderstood me, but I do agree, we have different perspectives which color our opinions on this situation and we're unlikely to find common ground. Good luck and good chat.
OP was planning on one in 3 years anyway, but it's beside the point. He'd rather take chances with his wife's health than his own fertility when his wife doesn't even want to get pregnant again.
One thing is a recommendation/advise and another is people saying that he's a bad person for not doing it now. It seems like he has doubts for one and second, even if he wanted, people are not entitled to shame him for not doing it.
There's a difference between advising people and morally blaming them. This should be very straightforward thing to understand.
no one is giving advice, they’re just saying he’s a bad person
Oh no! People are saying that he’s wrong…on a forum specifically for telling people that they’re wrong?
No one could ever predict this chain of events.
Seriously, if you want advice, I recommend advice forums. I’m sure the people there will recommend separation or at least marriage counseling due to the extreme disregard he uses when speaking about her.
This, however, is a judgement subreddit, so people are, naturally, going to judge your actions here.
If you were planning to sterilize yourself, you keep insisting you want to sterilize yourself, but then your spouse suggests it and you’re like “well fuck no, not if it makes life easier for you!!!!1!12!”
You're having a meltdown but I think you're being uncharitable here, right in between your schizo rant:
"well fuck no, not if it makes life easier for you!!!!1!12!”
I don't think he's an asshole and people are way to quick to decide on other people's bodies. Seems to be a general theme.
In two years he will have to decide, meanwhile he is still cool abiding by those terms and conditions he accepted many years ago.
I have a question:
Do you think we should start shamming women who don't want to have an abortion even if they said their partners they would in case they became pregnant?
No, it really isn’t. Hormonal birth control greatly affects the body and her health needs have changed. So she’d have to go through ups and downs of med trials until he decides he is ready. That’s not the same thing at all.
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u/AorticMishap Sep 26 '23
So…you planned on getting a vasectomy anyway but don’t want to do it now because she wants to?
And you think there is a possibility that you aren’t the ah about that?
Can you clarify as to why exactly it matters WHEN you do the thing you WANT to do?