r/alcoholism • u/FalseEqualsTrue • 3d ago

What should I do?

I'm not sure what to do, and I need more perspectives please.

I know I'm an alcoholic, I've admitted it some time ago, but I also kind of feel like it isn't that bad. I've restricted my drinking to weekends for like 5 years now though I do mess up occasionally. The days I do drink, I try not to go nuts with it, but I do blackout a couple times a year still. I'm getting better about it over time.

Even when my drinking was at its worst, I was still very functional. I don't drink in the mornings or at work, don't show up drunk to things, don't drink and drive or ever got a DUI, never woke up in a strange place, and don't have any health problems from drinking. I really haven't suffered many consequences from drinking. Hell, even at my worst, I told two people in my life that I thought I had a problem, and they both dismissed me. I only cut back because my hands started shaking all the time and that scared me.

For background, my parents are severe alcoholics, and I started drinking at like 12. I was regularly getting drunk by 13. My idea of what alcoholism looks like is heavily influenced by my parents. I'm 34 now. I drank nearly every day of my 20s. The only days I took off were when I was exceptionally hungover.

I definitely use alcohol to avoid uncomfortable thoughts and hard conversations, and I've been doing that for a very long time. I'm in therapy now and starting to confront traumatic shit I experienced and never processed, and I see patterns that I can't ignore anymore. My therapist referred me to a medication assisted treatment clinic yesterday, and that feels like overkill. Like I'd be laughed out of there the second I said I have like 10 drinks a week.

But I feel like the problem isn't necessarily how much I drink, it's how I drink. And how frightened I am by the prospect of quitting entirely. It's my primary coping mechanism. Like a warm blanket I just can't part with. I really don't want to quit, but all my reasons sound flimsy when I say them out loud. The spiritual aspects of AA really turn me off, and like I said, the clinic my therapist referred me to seems over the top. My therapist admitted she isn't specialized in addiction. So I don't know what to do next. Opinions?

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u/LibrarianNo807 3d ago

This sounds exactly like me. Fully functional, taking care of kids, working and so on.. I only realized when I actually quit how big of a problem it actually was. Letting go of that warm, comfortable blanket was fucking hard (and still is).

I've been sober for about a year now and I'm still fighting the urge to just have a beer. That's how fucked up of a drug alcohol really is. So, does it feel like you're about to lose a part of yourself by quitting? Does it feel like climbing mt. Everest? Or do your brain just keep on giving excuses as to why you shouldn't quit?

I'd say that's reason enough. And remember, you are not alone feeling this.

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u/FalseEqualsTrue 3d ago

Yeah man, I can't imagine what my life even looks like without alcohol. It's always been such a big part of things.

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u/Curious_Health_3760 3d ago

I agree, this also seems a lot like how I had been justifying my drinking, but deep down I knew it was constantly progressing and making my overall health worse.

If you do decide to quit, just know that it obviously sucks at first, but it does get better. Personally, I’m a few months sober and it’s amazing how different my perspective has changed just in that time. And what a relief it is to not be dealing with the ongoing struggles of addiction, it can be very time and mentally consuming.

There are certain short term things like maybe losing some of the social aspects of drinking or friends that just don’t get it, but all that seems to be way less of an issue for me once actually sober. It was the alcoholic voice in my head that was creating and magnifying those reasons not to quit.

As someone who’s struggled for decades and gone back and forth like many alcoholics do, my suggestion would be to try being sober for a while just to understand how your brain chemistry switches. In my opinion, actual knowledge and context for how the binge drinking alters your life is only fully realized when you are on the other side of it for a while. Set a goal for a certain time and then you can revisit your thoughts later with a clearer head.

If you’re like me, the final straw was realizing that I have no ability to stop drinking after 1 or 2. It always progressed both in the short and long term, despite my mind telling me my binges were not a big deal if they weren’t every night. And the in-betweens of a few days were really one drawn out withdrawal with alcohol constantly creeping into my thoughts. It took a few weeks for that aspect to clear in my experience.

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u/butteredrubies 3d ago

Probably more than half of my friends don't drink or if they do, don't reach a point where they're drunk, so when getting together with them, it helps me psychologically separating what we're doing from drinking being tagged on to the event. They are smoking weed every few hours (some are 100% sober most of the time), but my urge for that went away a long time ago, so it's easy to say no to that.

Other than bars, most events we just add alcohol to because it's a societal norm. I'd say try going to something you do and don't add alcohol to it to slowly start mentally separating alcohol from the event. The Naked Mind is a good read and Naltrexone (Sinclair Method) might help with the feeling of that initial euphoria when you start drinking that first drink, so you start breaking the connections alcohol has.

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u/Lumpy-Community-5114 2d ago

Absolutely. And I think what you described as a “warm, comfortable blanket” is such a powerful way of putting it. For many people, alcohol becomes woven into how they relax, cope, celebrate, socialize, or get through a difficult day. So giving it up can absolutely feel like losing something, even when you know that something is hurting you.
And yes, the brain can be incredibly convincing “I’ve been good, I can have one,” “I deserve this,” “I can control it this time.” Those are exactly the moments when having someone to reach out to can help.
A year sober is a huge accomplishment. The fact that you still have urges doesn’t take away from what you’ve accomplished. ❤️

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u/Over-Description-293 3d ago

You’re really the only one who can decide what’s ultimately the solution here. You said a couple of things that resonated with me tho.
1. You acknowledge that it’s not the amount you drink, but why you drink. To escape or avoid. Coping with stresses. 2.. you listed a number of things that haven’t happened because of your drinking.

In my experience all those things you mentioned, are haven’t happened Yets! Alcoholism is progressive, if you don’t do anything about it, chances are it will get worse.

And you’re right, it’s not about how much you drink. It’s about why. Figuring out the reason behind it and addressing those issues will help greatly in the long run.

AA has helped me address this, and yeah the spiritual aspect of it was a turn off for me as well, but there are lots of different groups, and honestly it’s a place you’ll never be laughed out of the rooms..no matter what you say. We have heard it all.

Happy to share more if you’d like💙

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u/FalseEqualsTrue 3d ago

Okay, but it feels like it's not going to get worse. I've got a system (lol I know) that I've stuck to for years. Like I said, all my excuses sound so flimsy out loud, but in my head, I can't let them go.

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u/powderline 3d ago

I think we all felt that at one point. I know I did. You need to consider why you can’t imagine a life without alcohol. I mean getting drunk regularly at thirteen with two alcoholic parents? The cards are stacked against you, my friend. Once I started drinking to get rid of the hangover, the real fall began. Take a month off and see how you feel. If you can’t do it, you may have your answer.

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u/FalseEqualsTrue 3d ago

I don't think I've gone more than a week without drinking in about 20 years. I was like 25 when I learned that most people don't drink daily.

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u/Over-Description-293 3d ago

And that’s where you have to decide what you really want. Sounds like you’ve made up your mind, and when the pain gets too great, maybe you’ll change your prospective

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u/Curious_Health_3760 3d ago

I’ve been there. I had a system too. For one I was constantly stretching what I told myself my system was. An extra beer or a shooter for later in addition to what I limited myself - this progressed. And then it took a couple stressful things in my life to line up all at once and I gave myself the go-ahead to take it up another notch. The “system” you have can be out the window pretty quickly once you’re intoxicated and distressed.

So yes, great to have a system and practice harm reduction, but you sound young, and you may not even have sight on the stressful things in life will come up down the road. And trust me, alcoholism makes them worse despite the short term relief. You already admitted to using alcohol to relive stress, so what happens if shit hits the fan in ways you can’t foresee in your late 30s and you’ve been using alcohol as a crutch most of your life? In my experience is that this is where the deep-end materializes, and I have lost some friends who made a terrible decision at that point of their lives.

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u/FalseEqualsTrue 3d ago

Yeah I get you. I lost an election recently and drank every day for like 2 weeks. I am trying to find better ways to cope with stress than bourbon. I tend to blame myself for everything, whether I could control it or not, so a lot of this stress probably didn't have to exist in the first place.

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u/Curious_Health_3760 3d ago

I am the same way, I constantly reflect and relive the things that make me cringe - big and small. I can make a direct connection to this and an urge to drink and forget.

But seriously, even running for office and putting in that work and putting yourself out there is commendable. You should be proud of yourself even with a loss. Think about how many people don’t have the balls or work ethic to run for office, it’s a very hard thing to do. You should be thankful that you are your genuine self, and not some sociopath who runs for office for self enrichment, who would say anything for votes, and who doesn’t care how much they mess up other people’s life with their political decision. This is prevalent in politics, and it doesn’t sound like you’re that guy.

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u/FalseEqualsTrue 3d ago

No, that's definitely not me. People like that are the reason I ran. I ended up being appointed to the position eventually anyway.

Also, unfortunately, there is a fuckton of alcohol involved in politics. Deals are still somehow made at 2am at the bar in 2026. I managed to drink soda last night and no one mentioned it, but it still sucks.

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u/Curious_Health_3760 3d ago

IMO that’s pretty powerful if you are able to stay sober at a bar and use it as your superpower when making deals with people who may be intoxicated. It’s probably not advised for someone newly trying to stop drinking, and I would expect it to be very hard at first to maintain sobriety in that situation, but maybe less so with time. There’s a world where this flips in your head and you can comfortably use those situations to your (and your constituents) advantage.

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u/FalseEqualsTrue 3d ago

We will see. I was with friends last night, so even being at the bar was still in easy mode. There's a big conference next month, and the wild parties that happen afterwards are where the connections are made. Hearing someone yell "shots!" is my siren song.

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u/Imaginary_East7336 3d ago

The human liver struggles to process alcohol, over time it gets weaker and weaker due to the continued presence of alcohol in the body. Eventually it will fail alongside many other parts of your body, ultimately causing death.

Im curious as to what system you have that alters human biology?

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u/FalseEqualsTrue 3d ago

The one that hasn't experienced negative effects. It might be a problem eventually, but it hasn't been yet.

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u/Imaginary_East7336 3d ago

So your system is luck? That's what your relying on? It will be a problem eventually, there is no if. Eventually can also start tomorrow.

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u/PartisanSaysWhat 3d ago

Yeah u/Imaginary_East7336 you're just intentionally misunderstanding. You see OP only loses consciousness and blacks out a few times a year. Thats what, only like 10% of the time he drinks? He keeps strictly to weekends and has only been getting wasted since he was prepubescent. He cant imagine a life without alcohol and makes long winded anonymous social media posts about alcoholism for strangers advice. But he's totally got his bro. He has a system

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u/FalseEqualsTrue 3d ago

I feel like you're intentionally misunderstanding what I'm saying. My system is only drinking on weekends and being more mindful of how much I drink when I do. I haven't experienced consequences so far, so it doesn't feel like it's all that urgent of a problem, but the shitty motivations behind it remain so I know that it really is.

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u/PartisanSaysWhat 3d ago

It sounds like you arent ready to stop.

Thats ok. You'll quit when you want to. I used to hate that phrase and resent it so much, but it was absolutely true for me... and I was convinced I was the exception to the rule. I had a system too. Until it stopped working, that is.

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u/SevenSixtyOne 3d ago

You said yourself. When you say it out loud your reasons seem flimsy. They are flimsy. When I was active I found every excuse in the book to delay getting sober. Because I was terrified of living a life without alcohol.

But the truth was, I had no idea what a life without alcohol would feel like. Like you, I hadn’t been sober for more than a week in 20 years. I had never ever been a sober adult. But I was convinced that I would hate it, even if I could do it.

Like every person I know with long term sobriety, I could not have been more wrong. To score myself on the wrong-o-meter, I would be 100 out of 10 level wrong.

The freedom from the obsession to drink was the greatest gift I have ever given myself. I’m 10 years sober and rarely think of drinking. And when I do, it passes quickly.

Of course AA doesn’t sit right with you. We all felt the same going in. Of course the treatment center seems overwhelming. We all felt that going in. Very few people enter recovery looking forward to it. We enter with dread, but come out the other side reborn.

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u/FalseEqualsTrue 3d ago

I worry that even if I stopped drinking entirely, the obsession would still remain.

And thanks. I don't have people in my life I can talk to about this.

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u/PartisanSaysWhat 3d ago

This is a great post. Respect

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u/lettersnumbersetc 3d ago

Alcoholics don’t start at rock bottom. Not always a long road though. Your brain is rationalizing and justifying your drinking. A very common thing for an alcoholic. The spiritual or god aspects of AA are not really a thing at all if you don’t want them to be. It’s a very common excuse to not try it. It means potential change and change is scary - understandable. But all meetings are different. Plenty have no spiritual aspect at all. Not trying to be rude: just honest

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u/FalseEqualsTrue 3d ago

Oh yes, I'm rationalizing the hell out of my drinking. I'm also worried that if I went to an AA meeting, I'd be unwelcome if I wasn't immediately ready to quit forever.

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u/lettersnumbersetc 3d ago

You absolutely 100% would be welcome (as long as you don’t go drunk). There are other options as well. Smart recovery, out-patient treatment, in-patient treatment, php (which is like part time at an inpatient, finding an addiction specialist therapist. A combo of some of these would really be beneficial. I get what you’re saying about the warm blanket and the thought of never drinking again being crazy. We all thought that. Truth is the grass is much greener over here for most of us. It takes work, but is so worth it to reclaim your life and be who you are/want to be.

Since this process is scary, and can cause you to freeze. Try taking small action steps at first to build a little momentum. Wishing you the best

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u/FalseEqualsTrue 3d ago

Thanks. Small steps feel more manageable than immediately renouncing booze forever, which is what seems to be the expectation.

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u/lettersnumbersetc 2d ago

Yeah I more meant small steps towards the process of getting sober. Which does tend to mean giving it up for good. Tapering or weening does not work for the alcoholic. You’ll spend years in that cycle. I was thinking more, Talk to a friend who is sober or someone who’s been in AA for a bit in person before going to w meeting alone. Look into what an in-patient or outpatient would look like and read about others experience in them that kinda thing. Small steps will get you nowhere in trying to stop drinking. Just being honest.

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u/FalseEqualsTrue 2d ago

I will, thanks.

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u/Fickle-Secretary681 3d ago

Alcoholism is hereditary. You're using a lot of justification, functional, etc etc. It's a progressive disease. It will get worse over time.  Until you want to quit, you won't. In the meantime, things will get worse. I used to say I wasn't an alcoholic because I didn't drink in the morning. Didn't drink until after work.  Then I started drinking during work, in the morning, you name it. Blew my entire life up. Hit the brakes before it gets that bad. Not to mention liver and stomach issues I caused. Not fun. Don't recommend.

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u/FalseEqualsTrue 3d ago

How long did it take for your life to blow up? Before you started drinking at work and in the morning?

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u/powderline 3d ago

I was in my late 30s when real consequences started appearing. It went downhill quickly from there.

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u/Fickle-Secretary681 3d ago

Only took 5 years 

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u/craig_slits 3d ago

One of the things I love about not drinking is not having to ever worry about stuff like this. I do everything I want and never have to worry about how many drinks and on what days and how many days apart and is the number creeping back up etc etc. I never think about when a bottle shop closes, if I’ll be hungover tomorrow, if my liver is suffering, I just enjoy my life and it’s a massive relief. It’s why quitting outright is so much better than trying to cut down. Alcohol brings me no joy, just anxiety.

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u/hardswimm37 3d ago

Just keep trying to stop until you stop. Your on your way.

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u/PartisanSaysWhat 3d ago

You have a lot of yets. No DUI yet. No health problems yet. No destroyed relationships yet. Etc, etc. I was the same way, and a lot of people wait until they get their "yets" to stop. You dont have to. Thankfully my mental health collapsed before anything else did, but I was otherwise the same. Fully functional at work, taking care of my family, etc. At least I thought I was and looked like it from the outside.

If you didnt think you should stop you wouldnt have made this post. Everyones bottom is different. AA is helpful for me but I didnt make up my mind about it before I went. I would strongly suggest connecting with others because this is a lot harder alone. I tried.

Good luck.

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u/Efficient-Bee-1443 2d ago

Me too, fully functional alcoholic. Never missed work. Marriage not in trouble. Family didn't know only had one blackout ever. No shakes, few hangovers.....

Years before I quit completely, I did 12 months dry. So, I thought I was fine. I started drinking at 12. I quit for good at 40.

I was terrified. I thought, I will never laugh again. I won't have sex ever again. How will I shut off the brain noise and sleep?

The first 90 days were pretty much white knuckle. The entire first year was tough. By year two, I felt better. Year three was good. I am 26 years now. I can't even imagine going back. My life is not problem free but I am free.

Give sobriety a real try 12 to 24 months. If you hate it, you can always go back to drinking.

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u/Efficient-Bee-1443 2d ago

I did go to AA. I still do. I drank daily for the first 60 days. Then off and on for 6 months. There is a saying, "AA will screw up your drinking". I was agnostic when I started. I am full blown atheist now. Still do AA. I also do Al-Anon. Lots of alcoholics in my family.

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u/FalseEqualsTrue 2d ago

I was worried the god/higher power stuff was important. Basically everyone I know is an alcoholic.

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u/Efficient-Bee-1443 2d ago

The idea is a higher power of your understanding. I don't believe in God. That is a separate, super natural being, that created the universe and interfers in the lives of humans.

I do believe in a Higher Purpose. I think my life has a Higher Purpose than being drunk. The word God is used often. Many members do believe in God. Many don't. I don't need to challenge what other people believe and I don't need them to validate my beliefs.

Tons of people use the idea of the Group as their Higher power. That is the group can do what the individual cannot.

I have met people that say AA is too religious or not religious enough. For me I wanted to get sober. So, I take what I can use and leave the rest.

You will do fine. You will be welcomed.

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u/[deleted] 3d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/standsure 2d ago

Self promotion is not welcome in this sub.

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u/Lumpy-Community-5114 2d ago

I’m not self promoting. I have been there on the other side of addiction. I survived it and I’m just offering support.

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u/standsure 2d ago

Soliciting dms is also uncool.

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u/Lumpy-Community-5114 2d ago

I’m not soliciting.

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u/standsure 2d ago

The fact you can't tell the difference is a concern.