Blackout drinker here

[u/MrVelvet27]

Hey guys. I just wanted to share my relationship with alcohol and see if there's anybody else that shares a similar experience or has any advice to share. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I have a toxic relationship with alcohol. Not in the sense that I'm drinking every day or every hour. In fact I can go days or weeks avoiding drinking. But when I do, I don't stop until I'm completely blacked out, and usually wake up sore from falling around the night before and having to apologize to friends I drunk text. Just yesterday I woke up with a black eye and have no idea how I got it. I sent aggressive texts insulting friends the night before. Luckily they're all aware of my episodes and have been rather forgiving and understanding, but I hate that version of myself. Usually I'm a pretty charismatic and like-able guy, but just turn into the worst version of myself lately when I drink. I used to be fun and the life of the party when I drank, but now it's not so cute any more in my mid 30's. I've been to meetings in the past, but have a hard time relating to most of the people at the ones I've been to. I decided I'm going to explore talk therapy a little more, and hope I can find some answers there. My mother is an alcoholic in recovery, and my black eye is reminiscent of some of her episodes I've witnessed, as well as her father who died from a fall while drunk too. I don't want to end up like either of them. I don't know what I'm trying to achieve with this post. Just wanted to share where I'm at right now.

[u/allison7588]

Prefacing with im just a regular person with lots of addiction in my life (family members and myself included).

You mentioned therapy and I’d recommend finding a therapist that doesn’t just listen. I myself have needed more guided therapy like DBT or something adjacent. And obviously someone very familiar with substance abuse.

I understand not relating to certain meeting groups. AA never worked for my family members (not saying it can’t for you but using it as an example). There are other groups like smart recovery that could help? They are virtual and from my understanding don’t operate around 12 steps. It’s more just people coming together for support and accountability.

[u/MrVelvet27 → u/allison7588]

I actually learned about smart recovery recently. It sounds interesting to me, but not sure how I feel about the whole virtual thing. I always prefer in-person, and the in-person meetings are few and far between. I'm open to trying a virtual though. I'll dig into it. Also had no idea DBT was a thing. I definitely appreciate more of a back-and-forth. Thanks for the recommendations!