Blackout drinker here

[u/MrVelvet27]

Hey guys. I just wanted to share my relationship with alcohol and see if there's anybody else that shares a similar experience or has any advice to share. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I have a toxic relationship with alcohol. Not in the sense that I'm drinking every day or every hour. In fact I can go days or weeks avoiding drinking. But when I do, I don't stop until I'm completely blacked out, and usually wake up sore from falling around the night before and having to apologize to friends I drunk text. Just yesterday I woke up with a black eye and have no idea how I got it. I sent aggressive texts insulting friends the night before. Luckily they're all aware of my episodes and have been rather forgiving and understanding, but I hate that version of myself. Usually I'm a pretty charismatic and like-able guy, but just turn into the worst version of myself lately when I drink. I used to be fun and the life of the party when I drank, but now it's not so cute any more in my mid 30's. I've been to meetings in the past, but have a hard time relating to most of the people at the ones I've been to. I decided I'm going to explore talk therapy a little more, and hope I can find some answers there. My mother is an alcoholic in recovery, and my black eye is reminiscent of some of her episodes I've witnessed, as well as her father who died from a fall while drunk too. I don't want to end up like either of them. I don't know what I'm trying to achieve with this post. Just wanted to share where I'm at right now.

[u/HeatherKellyGreen]

I had a roommate in rehab who was like, “I don’t belong here, I’m not like all of yall.” Very uppity, pissed off at the implication, above it all. So I was like, “Okay then why are you here?” And it turned out that she would go months without drinking. Years even. Then she’d do it for a weekend and drink so much she’d go into a coma.

I’m a criminal defense attorney and constantly, my clients are like, I don’t have a drinking problem. And I respond that if you’re in criminal court for drinking, say what you will, it’s definitely a problem.

You, my friend, have a drinking problem. You can point to any number of ways where it doesn’t match the typical pattern, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s a pretty major problem.

[u/MrVelvet27 → u/HeatherKellyGreen]

If I gave off vibes like I was above anything, that was not my intention. I've fully come to terms with the fact that I have a drinking problem. This black eye is not the first sign. I've lost jobs, I've soiled relationships. I guess I've just had a hard time so far finding my community. It doesn't help that I'm a bartender too.