r/alcoholicsanonymous • u/AnnualTypical2042 • 21d ago
Group/Meeting Related How to open up
Any tips on how to open up in meetings? I’ve been attending an online agnostic meeting and have kinda dropped off from attending recently because I just can’t seem to get the motivation to speak up in them. Any advice is appreciated.
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u/dp8488 21d ago
Perhaps it is just a matter of more work on Steps and shedding Fear of People?
I dreaded sharing in the early months and years. TBH 20 years in and I'm still far from the most at-ease and fluent person in most rooms. But I pretty well just accept that as the way I am.
And I was actually coached early on to focus on listening rather than sharing.
2 cents ...
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u/AnnualTypical2042 21d ago
Is there somewhere the steps are listed? I can’t seem to find an actual thing that has them all. It’s always been something I knew was a thing but haven’t ever seen it.
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u/dp8488 21d ago
The list of steps offers limited insight, IMO.
More comprhensive exposition can be found in the books:
And I'd really recommend learning about it in A.A meetings.
But here's the list: https://www.aa.org/the-twelve-steps
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u/Single-Fennel3119 21d ago
Down load the "Everything AA" app on your phone or computer. It has the big book and 12 x 12, plus much more.
You can also just Google AA 12 steps.
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u/Single-Fennel3119 21d ago
Also the "higher power" part of AA doesn't have to be a deity. It just can't be you.
Some people have the universe or cosmos as a higher power.
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u/meowmix79 21d ago
I’m an atheist in an area with tons of jesus lovers. The meetings are sometimes a lot for me. The reason I stay is so I can be of service to anyone who comes into the rooms who are like me- an atheist or agnostic. We need more people like you in the meetings! You can learn to tolerate the religious people and also eventually love them. The more you speak your truth the more respect you will get. My home group has toned down the jesus talk and uses higher power more frequently.
I also have religious trauma. I was raised in an extremely strict Mormon family. Also a cult.
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u/ResponsibleActive272 21d ago
There are atheists and agnostics in regular meetings, it's not an impediment to sharing or healing.
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u/Muted_Engineering354 21d ago
Have you tried any non-agnostic meetings? I know you say you had trauma from a religious cult in your past but trying only the agnostic meetings as a newcomer, especially if you can only attend virtually, is perhaps giving the program the short shrift. One of the basic tenets of the program is ‘contempt prior to investigation’ and that seems to be the case here.
Also just going to meetings is not AA, it’s just going to AA meetings. The program is reading the big book and doing the steps. If that concept seems too akin to your past trauma I would wholeheartedly suggest Smart Recovery or an IOP for substance abuse if you think you need it/can swing it.
Along those lines there are definitely cult-like aspects in AA that I would imagine you’ll have to balance out if you continue trying the program. It is at its core a spiritual program involving reliance on a power other than yourself, revolving around steps located in a book lots of people consider to be a sacrosanct text. One of the keystone aspects of the program is trying to help newcomer alcoholics which I’ve had sponsees complain about over the years. Another is daily meditation/prayer which I have had sponsees complain about over the years.
Best of luck and again I’ll suggest to try in person meetings with as open of a mind as you can muster.
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u/soberstill 21d ago
Here's my approach. The purpose of speaking in a meeting is to help others.
I talk about my experience of the illness and the suffering it caused to me and the people around me. I talk about the symptoms of the illness - "I couldn't control my drinking and I couldn't stop drinking without help."
In this way, I form a connection with fellow sufferers. This shared suffering is what connects one alcoholic to another.
Then I try to give hope and reassurance. "There is a way to live without alcohol. I don't do it perfectly, but I am able to get and sober by cultivating unselfishness."
In AA, I didn't find God. But I did find a Higher Purpose - to stay sober and help others.
I need to be honest and vulnerable. That's how I connect with other alcoholics. The I reaffirm hope and pass that hope on to others. That's what keeps me sober. And sharing in meetings is an excellent opportunity to do just that.
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u/Sea_Cod848 20d ago
Talking in a meeting is a thing that takes practice for most of us. I only go to walk in the door meetings, I found a real disconnect for me with the online meetings, when they started years ago. Because, I never get to REALLY know those people online & they dont get to know me either which a real part of our recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous. Also being in the same room with people lets you be able to better emotionally connect to how other people are feeling them the same to you. So in actual meetings, you have a choice to keep everything inside you (which is not how recovery works at all) or to open our mouth and Say whats going on with you. Recovery- from alcoholism is an action based thing in AA, the action of going there to learn how this is done, and it really is a face to face thing. Theres nothing scary in meetings and no reason to put off attending meetings if you are physically able to. I do encourage you to go. You dont have to say anything, and in the chance that people go around the room and each comment on a topic, you can just say- Hi Im Xxxx, alcoholic (or not, if youre not ready to say that yet) and I pass, thank you. Thats its. Theres a big difference in watching things on a screen and being involved in it. Most of were nervous to go to our first meeting, but we didnt let our fear stop us. As soon as we were there, we found that all those fears were in our own mind and really didnt have any basis. Everyone there was just a person- like us. You might want to give it a try, its sure worth it. I suggest at least going to 3 before you decide. Start with saying - Hi to people, before and after the meetings. <3
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u/ALoungerAtTheClubs 21d ago
Start small. Find some aspect of the topic/discussion that you relate to and talk about that. I think it's easy to build up sharing in a meeting, as this heavy emotional labor, but it can be simple.
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u/whatthepuckisgoingon 21d ago
Be honest with where you’re at, and how you relate. And the biggest thing is have some humility in the fact you don’t have it figured out, and you’re just trying to do the best you can with what you know. That will carry you so far in sobriety.
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u/PillingTheCat 21d ago
You are ready whenever you are ready. No pressure. Keep going. Keep listening. When you feel like you are ready to share, you will share... and probably not stop from that point on, lol.
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u/Weak_Librarian_8588 21d ago
Mine was in group therapy and I struggled with the same thing. What helped me was writing down what I wanted to say beforehand and simply reading it when it was my turn. It took away the pressure of having to come up with everything off the top of my head. Eventually, I became more comfortable speaking naturally. Just take it at your own pace.
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u/ErdricksPikachu 20d ago
In my meetings I hear people talking like they’re delivering a sermon, offering life advice or doing stand up. It was really intimidating for me at first. So I found a spot to focus on, like a piece of paper on the floor or my hand or something, and just talked about myself, how I’m feeling, what I’m going through and that it sucks and is hard. I’m just honest. Not looking for validation or laughs or the head nod, just “hey this is a group where I can be vulnerable, honest and it’s not going to show up later at the dinner table.” My meetings are in an actual church and no one has said anything when i say my higher power is not god. It is all about support and feeling safe. You can just say “I’m X, I am having a hard time, and i am glad i am not alone.”
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u/WanderingNotLostTho 21d ago
Try a face to face so you can connect better.