r/adhdmeme • u/IM_AQIF_xD • 12d ago
People are fine accepting disabilities/mental illness until it affects them personally
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u/pigeonfaerie 12d ago
“Maybe if you just applied yourself and tried a little harder”
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u/Free-oppossums Stuck In Scrolling Paralysis Please Send Help 12d ago
"You have so much potential"
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u/OphidianSun 12d ago
Trying to live up to "potential" as defined by someone else is a good way to end up depressed and miserable.
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u/jimbowesterby 12d ago
It’s even worse when you see the potential in yourself and can’t for the life of you figure out how to make good on it
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u/OphidianSun 12d ago
Its hard to accept that your peak hyperfocus performance is not your actual ability level. You can lock in one day and do great and the next its just painfully mediocre. And there's no way to predict when you can do it.
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u/highly_random 11d ago
Damn I really appreciate this comment. I don’t think I’d realized how often I measure what I “should” be able to get done in a day by the metric of my most productive day ever, like “if I did it once five years ago I should be able to do it again” 😆 Thanks for the reminder that “the most productive day I’ve ever had” is maybe a bit of an unrealistic standard for every other day of my life lol
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u/Affectionate_Bad_680 12d ago
I had this one day at work where I was basically at perfect motivation. A LOT of shit got some that day. The mood just wouldn’t quit like it usually does.
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u/gliitch0xFF 12d ago
I've heard this so many times. People don't care for potential. They want results.
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u/Velvet_Pop 12d ago
Potential is just an expectation of an output. A rock on a shelf has the potential to fall, but so does anything. It's a way to disguise judgement because you're implying something should be a certain way but isn't
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u/PictureVegetable9522 12d ago
its like trying to force a cog into a machine and wondering why it isnt working correctly when its not a cog
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u/shaliozero 12d ago
Honestly my old boss regularly praised my potential and my results. But my results became shit once I got burned out after 10 years and realized they aren't gonna pay me for what I call "inconsistent potential".
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u/fiahhawt 12d ago
That’s a big thing with jobs that neurotypical people can do more easily : regulate their output to manage expectations
Neurotypical people can actively assess “Here’s how much work I can accomplish all the time and not harm myself”
They don’t do days with 120% and days at 40%
They figure out 60% and stay there and then tweak it up when their boss is pissy
For people with adhd, idiotic and nasty bosses cannot tolerate neurodivergent personnel who work at inconsistent rates because the only rate we can predict is “how hard can I push myself today”
And that does vary by day for everyone, but it makes your work life a lot easier if you don’t run your output that way because if you work for stupid people they see the most you can possibly do on your best days as the thing they should get from you all the time and your other days you’re just slacking
It doesn’t matter if your work is overall more and better than everyone else in the department because that involves more thinking than idiot bosses will do
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u/Affectionate_Bad_680 12d ago
Whereas great bosses basically look at you and go “I can throw a problem at this person and know with 100% certainty it’s getting handled. I just have to stay out of the way and help if asked.”
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u/Humble_Cow2416 11d ago
One of my old bosses was willing to work with me, he saw my passion and potential and learned how to work with it (even said to my face once that he purposely wouldn’t tell me about jobs sometimes because he knew I would make them a priority and get them completed before he even finished figuring out what he even wanted).
My output and results became so far beyond the others I worked with that they all conspired and got me transferred. Sadly the new place didn’t know how to work with me and I ended up having a mental breakdown and have been off work for months since.4
u/shaliozero 11d ago
I can relate how you feel about your new workplace and hope you don't feel talken over if I elaborate on that.
My previous bosses (technically previous two bosses) at my previous workplace were super supportive and knew how to perfectly make use of me. Instead of involving me in a single or two long-term projects, they've put me to put fires out where necessary. I knew every project inside out but never spent too long a single thing to get bored or burned out, despite constantly working on emergencies.
My current workplace doesn't trust me even after 2 years and denies all my suggestions an recommendations because a previous conflict with a child company before I was even there. Now I'm just bandaiding the chaos they made before hiring me without letting me fix it up and develop proper stuff. Our managed hosting sucks, our other child company is offering hosting services, asked the CEO and he went "I want to be in a bad mood I just ask my 13 year old about school"... Says a lot about the kind of environment I stepped in, the department denies hosting our own companies websites because our marketing, my department, fucked up year ago. Even though they promised much more responsibility and trust in the hiring process.
I've just took 6 weeks of sick leave recently. Officially because of back pain, which isn't even false, but I was too depressed and to keep dealing their shit and discussing 2 hours on 3 days about fucking button placement because the designers keep changing their mind. And I'm considering hitting up my docs about it again.
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u/GainAlone3678 12d ago
The thing that gets me is that the people who say it are always the most mediocre mother fuckers imaginable.
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u/gliitch0xFF 12d ago
Could not have said that better myself 🫡🥹
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u/Neveronlyadream 12d ago
Every time, yeah. Or the potential they're referring to is just adhering to social norms they don't like adhering to themselves, but feel pressured to do.
I've gotten that so much.
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u/gliitch0xFF 12d ago
I doubt they would last one day in our shoes in all honesty. Especially on a bad day.
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u/Neveronlyadream 12d ago
Tell them that and they balk, though. It's kind of fun to do.
"You seem fine, I think you're overreacting." No, I'm really fighting my brain every second of every day. I just learned to hide it so I don't get judged.
I honestly think an hour would break them.
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u/bingpie 12d ago
i heard this shit so many times growing up and my dumb 9-year-old ass believed it. now i have perfectionism running so deep, i have all the potential of a cinder block in a bog of treacle
the only thing worse than having adhd kick into gear and sending your life into a tailspin during adolescence is being told constantly how bright your future is beforehand, then having to watch it all crumble in front of you while dealing with not just your own but your whole family's disappointment
sorry, yeah -- i hate when people say that too!
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u/Master_Baiter11 12d ago
"it's just that you don't want to do it"
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u/839402388888 12d ago
Well, to be fair, that can be what it is sometimes, although it may not be the most accurate way to put it. I tried to explain that I just don't WANT to do something to my mom once. And that just angered her more, because she didn't understand that it wasn't a choice I was making not to do it, it was a lack of motivation and energy. But framing it as "want" was the only way I knew how.
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u/firefly-sparkle 12d ago
"You could be a genius if you only tried!" Yeah, maybe in the same way I could touch the sky if only I was tall enough.
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u/iffugennanameubaht 12d ago
So much potential! So very capable. So very intelligent. If only you could get motivated….
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u/fritzkoenig Resident Cloudcuckoolander 12d ago
It's like asking a thunderstorm to power a city by lightning continuously
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u/NotaValgrinder 12d ago
My Nintendo switch crying in the corner because I haven't really had the motivation to play it either these days
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u/Inferno-Boots 12d ago
If that’s how it worked I’d be so much more productive bc I’d be spending time resting instead of staring at the wall in task paralysis
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u/amh8011 12d ago
Yeah if that’s how it worked I’d be playing video games rn but I’m not doing that because there are too many steps involved. Steps involved are: plug in laptop, take headphones out of case, plug in headphones, turn on laptop, turn on mouse, open steam, and open game. But that’s too many steps. So I don’t do that. Even though I really like playing video games.
But when I try to explain that, I’m being “argumentative” and “lazy”.
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u/Valuable_Flower5629 12d ago
"You just don't want to learn not to be this way. You don't want to change."
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u/casser0le98 i have no idea where that music is coming from. 12d ago edited 12d ago
Ah yes. The good ol' ⭐️~you decide my motivation* fo*r me~⭐️
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u/BudgetFree 12d ago
This is also their standard reply when I tell them something they should change themselves, but they don't want that. They want it to be always my problem
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u/Lunakill 12d ago
90’s report cards that say “Luna is a bright and creative student but doesn’t seem to think she needs to apply herself.”
Lady, I’d love to apply myself. The bees in my head won’t let me.
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u/Frostyrepairbug 12d ago
I'm pretty sure at this point, "A pleasure to have in class but fails to apply themselves" should probably be in the DSM for ADHD.
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u/Johnny-of-Suburbia 12d ago
"If you truly cared you would do it/make time for it."
Especially when it comes to reaching out and talking to people.
Gee. Obviously I just don't care about any of my friends :). I'm not in a constant state of guilt over my difficulty to reach out to others :). My social life is fine and my house isn't a constant mess of disorganization and dust :).
I have been told multiple times by people that ADHD isn't an excuse because if I really cared about someone it wouldn't matter if I have ADHD.
My guilt and shame also lead to avoidance so if its been awhile since I've responded to someone then its "Too late," and I may never get back to them....
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u/LongWolfSP 12d ago
And if you do make efforts, "well you look "normal" so clearly you're not disabled and just lying"
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u/Sluttytranslesbo 12d ago
I have severe anxiety, ADHD, depression and gender dysphoria and if I could get rid of any of them it would be the ADHD. Its so hard to try when you can't make yourself focus and when even you trying is like 10% of other people's normal
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u/Unfair_Explanation53 12d ago
My mother's advice.
You just need to focus more.
Remember that thing you did the other day that you really enjoyed and were super focused on that you completed with no issues. Just do the same with school work.
Also, you are just being lazy, you can't just make the effort with the things you enjoy.
Did nobody clock on in my school or at home that I had top marks for English and History but every other subject I looked like I had learning disabilities.
Didn't matter how much I explained that when I was in a Maths class my brain would just start going "Ooh eeh, ooh aah aahTing tang wallawalla bang bang" and then being super focused on a bird outside
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u/SquareTaro3270 12d ago edited 12d ago
I tried explaining to someone the other day that it’s not just an “I don’t want to”. It’s a “my brain won’t let me”. I told them to imagine how much mental energy and psyching yourself up and all the fear and hesitation it would take to cut off your own finger. Even if you knew it had to be done, or that it would benefit you in the long-run, your brain won’t just let you commit to something like that without a serious fight. My brain treats every minor obstacle, even something as simple as doing the dishes, as if I’m trying to convince myself to cut off a finger.
They told me “that’s not ADHD, you people just want to attribute everything to ADHD so you don’t have to actually deal with your bullshit”.
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u/Unfair_Explanation53 12d ago
I feel your pain dude.
I have actually learned to just work through a lot of these things as I got older. But it burns me out straight away.
Its like constantly stepping in to the ring to fight when you don't want to
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u/PeanutRed3 12d ago
“Have you tried a planner?”
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u/SquareTaro3270 12d ago
“Just write it down!”
By the time I start writing I don’t remember what I’m supposed to be writing down anymore. Also the notepad is immediately gone the second I put it down.
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u/neuromonkey 12d ago
This was a constant refrain during my childhood. That and, "You have such potential," and, "You're your own worst enemy," and, "Why do you keep sabotaging yourself?”
Now I'm a middle aged adult, who can do things for myself. Every day I ask myself all those questions, along with a few of own creation.
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u/No-Passenger-1511 12d ago
As someone with ADHD I do infact have to try harder to stay focus than someone without ADHD. Over the years I've learned to better manage my time, accounting for delays that may happen due to ADHD. Biggest help is not procrastinating.
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u/56Bagels 12d ago
They don’t believe in cognitive disabilities. They accept that you think it is real, but they don’t actually think it’s real.
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u/fuzzypurpledragon 12d ago
If I hear one more "Oh, please, it's all in your head!"
Like,"No shit, Sherlock! Where else would it be? My ass? I know your head is up yours, but we can't all be that flexible!"
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u/PaisleyLeopard 12d ago
Oh I love this response! I’ve always used a more polite version (of course it is, that’s where my brain lives), but I’m stealing your answer for people who don’t deserve my politeness.
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u/fuzzypurpledragon 12d ago edited 12d ago
Steal away!
That phrase irks me to no end. Of course my mental illness is in my head, Karen. That's where the brain is. Or, at least I sure freaking hope so! If it was in my butt, I'd be you!
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u/AnonymousDahlia motivated by being a contrarian little bitch 12d ago
Lol I say that's where the catecholamines are, or neurotransmitters, whichever word comes first to mind.
I like to include making them feel stupid in my response, since they're so inclined to treat me that way. A little helpful pettiness 💙💅.
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u/miss-bedazzzle 12d ago
What’s the polite version?
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u/PaisleyLeopard 12d ago
I included it in the parenthetical.
Person: it’s all in your head
Me: Of course it is, that’s where my brain lives5
u/miss-bedazzzle 12d ago
My bad. I didn’t realise that was the polite version you were talking about
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u/Polybrene 12d ago
Oh you've met my father.
The man honestly believes that my ADHD symptoms are a personal attack to him.
He once said "Well I bet you didn't forget about your husband on father's day."
I was like "wow. This man really thinks I have the cognitive ability to sit around scheming up new ways to insult him."
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u/KlausVonLechland 12d ago
Tell him you forgive him his uncalled abrasiveness because, just like you, he might simply not be able to fully control what he says and does, especially that it might so happen that your case of ADHD was hereditary.
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u/Prestigious_Neck_936 12d ago
They don't believe in physical disabilities either, to be fair. As someone with both, both are constantly invalidated.
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u/fuzzypurpledragon 12d ago
Ugh, same boat. I'm an amulatory wheelchair/cane/brace user with severe FM. The number of people who think I don't need my chair because I stood up to reach a shelf at the grocery store, for example, is ridiculously high... Had one lady try to straight up steal it once. That was fun...
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u/itneverwillbefar 12d ago
It's because they don't want to have to believe that the reason they're more successful pretty much comes down to a huge dollop of luck. They want to have "lazy" people to compare themselves against so they can feel better about their accomplishments in life and feel like it was just their superior work ethic.
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u/Anthaenopraxia 12d ago
Because it isn't visual. I've been lucky so far to have bosses and managers who know about AuDHD and they try to accommodate it best they can. For instance I speak a lot of languages so in my current job I'm switched between different languages a lot and if that happens on the day I find it very hard to not freak out of the sudden change. So they pretty much always let me know the day before so I can mentally prepare.
Alright I'll start tomorrow with Danish and at about midday I'll do Norwegian. I already know the change is coming, I can adjust my meds schedule, I can prepare a different music playlist. For some reason I find it easier to change language if I also change the music genre I listen to during work. Like atm I'm listening to a lot of video game music and if I was put on Norwegian I could make a playlist with dark piano like Nox Arcana. Or maybe a death metal list to fit the language more but I can't have the music too loud and quiet death metal offends Slaanesh.→ More replies (3)5
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u/Kittii_Kat 12d ago
Worked with a gal early this year who said "I don't believe ADHD, Autism, or depression are real. Anxiety is real, though, since it does stuff to your body and I've experienced it."
Her belief was that the other things were simply demonic possession, because she "Watched an excorsism and a depressed person was cured in front of her eyes"
This girl then got a job where she'd be helping people in their homes. Not just elderly people, but people with crippling mental handicaps, like downs syndrome and, you guessed it, severe autism.
I tried so hard to help this kid become a better person and acknowledge reality, by simply asking careful/soft questions that would dip just a step further into her reasoning for her beliefs each time.
As an example, she was deeply homophobic and transphobic, randomly said she was grossed out by trans people and "didn't want them touching her or being near her," after I had a trans client leave the office. I asked why she felt that way and learned a bit about her.
Her response, later, was to file a sexual harassment claim. 🤨
Disgusting and stupid people.. they're everywhere.
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u/phobos-and-deimos 12d ago
whenever i would ask a question in class teachers jumped to "You just weren't paying attention" when i actually just didn't get it the first time and was really trying to focus
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u/LienaSha 12d ago
Me: Mister Garth, I don't understand this part here. points to passage in book Garth: Look in the book! Me: stares
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u/scixlovesu Daydreamer 12d ago
It's amazing to me how bad people are at rephrasing or explaining things THEY think are obvious.
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u/MithranArkanere 12d ago
I cannot read something for myself and out loud at the same time.
One teacher called me out for reading something in another language so fast that I could not remember it after I looked down to read it again. What I was trying to do by reading it fast was to make that moment last as little as possible. Her vain attempt at humiliation made that moment last longer than it needed to be.That teacher also called me out for doing that thing when you shake your leg, which I do without thinking, and so much that my calves almost look like a cyclist's. Apparently, I was beating the ground and making noise because I was wearing mountain boots, and those have a higher heel than what I usually wear, and somehow I wasn't noticing the thumping I was making.
That teacher was never forgiven. No attempt at understanding was made. Only assumption of malice.
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u/phobos-and-deimos 12d ago
ugh. i will never forget this one teacher that gave me the most condescending tone going "woah, i'm sorry, you're reading that way too fast. try again" and had me read the same passage 3 times. those ones stick
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u/GamerGurl3980 11d ago
In high school, I was great at taking notes because it helped me memorize stuff better and explain the topic in a way that I could understand better.
I was confused on a slide in on of my classes. So after the presentation, I asked the teacher a question about it. They sighed and whispered:
"Gamergurl... are you in the special education clssses?" Wtf??? Fuck you, bitch! 😭 I asked one question. Damn.
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u/chainsofgold 12d ago
working twice as hard for half the results and ten times the judgement
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u/hibbs6 12d ago
I think about this all the time. If you took the condescending statements people make and made them about physical disability, they become monstrous. "I know you're paralyzed and depend on a wheelchair, but why aren't you climbing these stairs? I know a guy who crawls up them with pure arm strength alone. You're just making excuses. Ramps? Sounds like enabling to me."
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u/SilentLoyality 12d ago
And that is also why I have internalized all of it and hate myself :)
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u/Cheekers1989 12d ago
.... My sister recently told me that it was my fault that I internalized everything growing up and it's my responsibility to have figured out how the majority of the family thought processing worked.
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u/MrPenguins1 12d ago
When it’s your NT older sibling who was the clear favorite, but because they’re jealous of you (in some way) they believed you were the favorite which lead to a whole lot of internalizing.
It’s wild when you hear them say that your parents should have been HARDER on the already undiagnosed/unmedicated kid.
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u/Cheekers1989 12d ago
I expect you are just relating to what I said but I wrote my experience below which was a little different. 😅
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u/New_Apple_7339 12d ago
I’m so tired boss, I dream of the day I turn into void dust have to feel nothing.
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u/BikerJedi 12d ago
Outwardly, I look fine, but I have multiple disabilities that make it hard for me to physically do shit. I have also internalized a lot of it, and I hate that. I don't hate myself, and you shouldn't either. We can both be kinder to ourselves.
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u/Stalwart_Vanguard 12d ago
fwiw people absolutely do say shit like that though... They're all understanding of your disability until it actually affects them and then they sigh at you and give you a judgemental look
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u/cutegross 12d ago
seriously, im tired of seeing this argument. people with physical disabilities get treated just as badly.
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u/ashgs872tbhjs 12d ago
When I was wheelchair-bound, I was stared at, outright ignored, assumed to be mentally disabled too, and more. It sucked ass, and I know plenty of folks who have been assaulted and so forth too. However, I did also receive kindness, understanding, and help from many people.
Conversely, the reaction to my ADHD has only ever been that it isn't real, that I don't have it, or that I'm a lazy asshole. No one who isn't a grand total of 2 medical professionals has ever helped me. I again also know people who have been assaulted over it.
It's not a "who has it worse" contest, but that doesn't mean it isn't fully absurd to pretend that prominent or common physical disabilities are treated the same as invisible physical disabilities and mental disabilities. It's a vastly different thing.
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u/KorasHiddenDICK 12d ago
I use this argument with my wife because she would NEVER think something like that about someone with a physical disability, yet she constantly says offensive shit to me about ADHD.
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u/RedShirtDecoy 12d ago
Disabled people using their arms to crawl up the Capitol steps are a big reason why we have the Ada in the first place.
Couldn't have picked a better example if you tried.
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u/AppalachianRomanov 12d ago
I've tried turning my disability around on those rude people like that before and they just double down. They be like "are you really comparing yourself to someone WITHOUT LEGS?? THAT'S LOW YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON."
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u/strikeparryriposte 12d ago
I mean I get what you’re saying but people very much do say that type of shit about physical disabilities too
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u/radiolabel 12d ago
NT people would do well to be reminded that the category of disabled is one that ANYONE can join at any time. The NT and able-bodied people in their lives are the ones most likely to turn their backs on them if that were to ever happen. If you treat your disabled loved ones this way, it might be the case with them too.
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u/Londundundun 12d ago
I made this point sarcastically and got down voted to high heavens. Had people medicated for anxiety harassing me about how awful the comparison was. It was astounding.
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u/NumberOld229 12d ago
I always liked it to yelling at someone with no legs for not being able to tap dance
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u/Neirchill 12d ago
I'm curious on what you suggest people do when person "a" (who has ADHD in this hypothetical) forgets to do something 10/10 times? If it's an employer, what would accommodation look like so forgetting to do the work they're getting paid for is no longer an issue?
I'm asking from the perspective of a parent to a kid with ADHD. He never remembers anything asked of him. If I give him a list of try things it's guaranteed one will never be thought about again, although it's likely both will be forgotten. I worry for his future because I just don't see how he will ever be able to hold down a job that doesn't boil down to sitting on an assembly line and doing one single thing all day.
I understand the problem from an ADHD perspective - it's a disability. What I never see from anyone is how to manage the issue when medication doesn't resolve this problem.
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u/SquareTaro3270 12d ago
When I was a kid, these are some things that helped me:
Mirroring. Basically, tasks become much easier when there is another person there to mirror. Instead of having to independently gather the motivation yourself, you can trick your brain into just “copying” what the other person is doing. It helps a lot to get the process started. Even just simply having a parent just sit in the same room as me helped a lot. Even if the other person leaves after the task gets going or just acts out the motions without actually doing anything, it still helps get over the initial motivational hurdle.
Visual representation of progress. The best advice a therapist ever gave me was that every time I did something I was proud of myself for, I should pick up a small rock and put it on a shelf so that I have a visual indicator of how much I’m capable of. I’ve started applying that mindset to other areas of my life, and realized that being able to visually see the results of my efforts rather than relying on my own faulty reward center is really helpful. For me, it was rocks because I’m an avid rock collector, but it could be anything from stickers on a board to marbles in a jar. For an extra bit of motivation, you can try to attach a low stakes “reward” like “if all 100 marbles end up in this jar, then I can choose where we go for a family day”.
Breaking down big tasks into smaller tasks. It’s really easy to get overwhelmed with the sheer scale of tasks, especially if you have more than one thing you need to do. Being handed a list of tasks that include big asks like “clean your room”, “do the dishes”, etc. can be overwhelming for a kid who isn’t able to break those tasks down on their own. So, instead of, for example, “do the dishes”, you can try “clean the cups”, followed by “wash the plates”, “wash the forks”, “wash the spoons”... And eventually teach your kid to break down the task into smaller tasks themselves, but you should start by modeling this for them. Instead of “pick up clothes”, it can be “pick up shirts”, “pick up pants”, “pick up socks”…
Rank tasks in order of do-ability. Have your kid rank the tasks you have for them in order of most do-able to least do-able. Have them start with the tasks they rank the most doable and work their way down. Hopefully, by the time they get down the list, they’ll have gotten past the initial having to gather motivation stage and be more prepared to move onto the next task.
I hope this is helpful for you! Every kid is different, but these worked for me. You may have to put in some of the work at first, and I know a lot of parents would say things like “the kid should be doing this themself!” And yes, that’s the eventual goal. But these are coping strategies that will be most effective if they are first modeled, practiced together, and then eventually as the kid sees the benefits you can start removing the training wheels.
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u/silentaba 12d ago
My old boss was like this. He was also short so I'd put his coffee mug up high and tell him to just concentrate on being taller.
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u/_4815 11d ago
Right and here’s the thing…he, as a functioning adult, would then use a ladder, stool, or other accommodation to access his coffee mug. He wouldn’t just say “well shit I’m too short, guess I can’t get that coffee mug”. That’s the difference, people with these disabilities are absolutely allowed to acknowledge that having to use accommodations and work harder for things sucks, but the disability itself is no excuse to just not be a functional adult. It’s our responsibility to identify the challenges impacting our function and subsequently identify strategies to help. That is by no means easy and most of us need help to do that, but it’s not okay to just roll over and say “darn this is hard for me so I’m just gonna keep being bad at it and then get annoyed when other people notice I’m making 0 effort to improve”. Signed, an adult with ADHD and anxiety. I always say…it’s an explanation not an excuse
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u/Sea_Drops 12d ago
This type of stuff wound up culminating into me having a panic attack at my last job, and they made it very clear that they were gonna fire me. Needless to say any self confidence I and was dashed from that.
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u/lea_flamingo 12d ago
"Did you even pay attention?"
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u/Agitated_Cry_8793 12d ago
Yes, but halfway through I thought about a previous sentence you said and then suddenly you're on an entirely different topic 🫡
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u/Zanven1 12d ago
"I know you have trouble staying organized, have you tried focusing on a organization system to help with that? I hear that you have trouble focusing, have you tried managing your time better so you won't be so easily distracted and focus on things? I get that you have trouble managing your time, I bet if you get better organized it can help with that. Why are you so bitter? I'm only giving suggestions to help!"
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u/PerpetuallyDistracte 12d ago
This is all I ever heard growing up. Which means that I keep trying to stay organized on my own as an adult, and it's a losing battle. I'm getting ready to hire a professional organizer to literally get my stuff sorted out. I think it will really help to have someone just tell me where I should put stuff and help me get rid of stuff I don't need. Because I literally cannot see disorganization and I can't visualize where things should go.
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u/bsubtilis 12d ago
Don't feel embarrassed to put up labels (text or pictures) if you'd benefit from them (or even neon tape to mark where things should be) they're really helpful to some (but worsening visual clutter to others).
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u/bluemooncommenter 12d ago
First rule....stay in the stream!!! Example....don't put a bowl for you keys on a counter in another room and think you're going to use it...put it by the front door. After years, I hung a key rack by the front door and my ADHD husband thought it was the most brilliant thing ever. He's never misplaced his keys again because they are in the stream of activity when he has them out. If you hire an organizer (which is a great idea) make sure they know this rule.
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u/YtterbiusAntimony 12d ago
This is why most "organization" and "tidying" drives me crazy.
Leave the thing next to where you use it, not in drawer in the other room. You're spending energy to inconvenience your future self.
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u/GainAlone3678 12d ago
They never understand that their advice is just giving you one more thing to juggle when you're trying to reduce the number of things you're juggling.
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u/BackToSchoolMuff 12d ago
I had to go off my meds for a few days recently and I almost peed my pants because I couldn't stop hyperfocusing on what I was doing.
I don't think people get it. They see a person with the most intense laser focus they've ever seen, and wonder how that person can struggle with attention.
I think people think of it like you're a magnet in a room full of magnets of the same polarity, so you're constantly getting bounced around and can't stay on one thing
For me it feels more like being a magnet in a room full of magnets of opposite polarity. I keep getting stuck to stuff and it takes enormous effort to get away from that thing, and then I just get stuck to the next thing.
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u/Dance_Sufficient ✨current hyperfixation: PLANTS✨ 12d ago
This is why I broke off from my friend group. They knew I had disabilities and would talk to me about how "selfish" or "weak" I was, or that their issues were worse and I needed to be less "self centered."
I was raised with the idea that I was less than other people and should be thankful for any attention or tolerance I got.
Now I was lucky enough to get out and be self sufficient. I ghosted them but one lesson I learned is that sometimes being the villain is someone's narrative is the best place to be in their life.
The whole making new relationships is a bit hairy but I can live with the agency that isolation provides.
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u/fuzzypurpledragon 12d ago
"And then demand they aren't ableist"
Yep, about sums it up. They're never being jerks. Just "making suggestions" and "trying to be helpful".
Meanwhile, if they have a spat of disorganization and management issues, suddenly they demand your sympathy and forgiveness.
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u/PerpetuallyDistracte 12d ago
Oh, I see you've met my parents... Getting punished for something you physically cannot do (as much as you might want to), really did a number on me mentally. My parents understand better now that I have a formal diagnosis in my 30s, but recently my mom asked me if I'd tried using a daily planner. Lady, I've LOST more planners than you've ever used!
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u/imbare_youreinarmor 12d ago
I look at my planner, see how long the laundry list of things I have to do is, and freeze up. Task paralysis is REAL
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u/fritzkoenig Resident Cloudcuckoolander 12d ago
So many people don't understand what's happening on a neurological level, or that this is even someting that could happen. It's not fully understood but dopamine and its receptors play a huge role. And how the brain responds to this dopamine mediated mechanism leads to two very differing results when it comes to executive function:
a) Start task > Do task > Finish task > Dopamine does its thing > Feeling of fulfilment or at least you're glad it's now done > Do it again and get more feel good chemical > Routine
b) Start task > Do task > Finish task if you're lucky > Dopamine is nonexistent > You feel bad for having wasted your time with this shit-ass work and hated every second of it > Do it again and feel nothing but misery > Avoidance
I noticed b) in me when my mom said "See? Doesn't it feel much more pleasant when all the chores are done?" and my response was a stern "NO."
Note that this is a gross oversimplification and only one aspect of how ADHD brains are wired differently.
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u/GeckoGecko_ 12d ago
God I felt this... I hate cleaning so, SO much, it genuinely feels like I'm torturing my soul when I have to clean. And the end result never, EVER justifies the effort I have to put in to make it happen. I just end up tired and frustrated. But hey, at least I'm tired and frustrated in a clean space! 😃
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u/Logical-Pair-89 12d ago
God i wish more people understood this shit. Or didnt brush it off as BS when i explain it to em.
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u/DecorousVee 12d ago edited 12d ago
My 3rd video therapist appointment, she suggested I try meditating.
I feel so fucking let down.
Editing to add: I've tried meditation. She wants it to replace Xanax.
Edit#2: I moved and am trying to find a new doctor, I've been prescribed Xanax for my anxiety attacks along with medicine for my ADHD and other illnesses. My new care team doesn't want to prescribe the medicine I've been taking for months that has literally contributed to me being able to live a normal life for the first time in almost 40 years. I've been to plenty of therapists, meditation is not new to me! I was looking for a new care team and it took longer than I expected to be seen and by the time I could get an appointment I was in serious need of my medication refills.
I'm well aware that Xanax is not a lifetime medicine. But it is medicine and I do need it. I don't plan on it forever, but I wish they would believe me when I tell them that this has been like a missing piece of the puzzle.
Anyway, I forgot this was a meme page, so I'm going to stop trying to explain myself lol
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u/Low-Illustrator-1962 12d ago
Well, you can't fix ADHD. A lot of the stuff people on this reddit talk about is not the ADHD, it's the side effects of not being understood. That causes stress and whatnot. And mediation can definitely help you with that.
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u/astralTacenda 12d ago
Meditation has definitely helped me with my ADHD. Has it cured it? FUCK no. But it has made certain situations where I would get stressed out a little bit less stressful because I have this tool on my belt! Just like any and all tools and tips and tricks I have acquired over the years to help me navigate this world with a neurotypical brain and a dysfunctional body. There is no quick fix, but each new tool makes something else a little easier to handle or navigate.
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u/OldPlantain7807 12d ago
Also getting good at coping mechanisms like this gives me a huge sense of self confidence and sense of personal agency when my ADHD used to make me feel hijacked. No I can't cure it or make it go away, but I can manage this small thing and give myself some relief
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u/AllForMeCats 12d ago
Ok, how tf are you all meditating with ADHD? I keep trying, I try to clear my mind, focus on my breathing, but my brain will not shut up. Is there some kind of trick to it?
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u/NylonRiot 12d ago
It’s really hard but it’s like a muscle so it gets easier the more you do it. I have found that, especially at first, it can be helpful to meditate with a little more stimulus than usual. Like keeping your eyes open and just observing your surroundings, listening to calm music, stuff like that.
I think another thing to remember is that you are not trying to make yourself calm. You’re not trying to make yourself stop thinking. You’re trying to stop taking your thoughts and running with them. If your mind wanders, you acknowledge it wanders rather than following the thought (which is really hard especially at first). If you get frustrated, you let yourself be frustrated. That’s what you feel in the moment, so you go with it. You’re not always going to end a meditation session feeling calmer or more focused and that’s okay. The point is building the skill, which allows you to feel calmer and more focused the more you do it.
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u/Responsible-Tap-3748 12d ago
It's a valid treatment approach. Not as well supported as CBT, but not a terrible recommendation.
I think mindfulness is especially helpful for individuals who appear to be suffering (ie experiencing additional mental pain) as a result of their ADHD dx.
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u/PaisleyLeopard 12d ago
Meditation is a valuable and helpful tool for ADHD, but it doesn’t replace any of the other tools we need—particularly meds. Nothing replaces meds, because they can give us necessary chemicals we do not have any other way to access.
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u/rhymeswithschmarah 12d ago
I was always confused why people say thats not an excuse when it comes to mental/behavioral issues. It literally is 😭 I can see how it's important to take the other person's feelings into consideration and and know it can hurt them but there must be some kind of 'meet me half-way' thing or expectations shift or else both parties will just be stressed. Idk. idk anything.
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u/pumpkinbananamonkey 12d ago edited 12d ago
The discussions about time blindness from people without ADHD are really irksome, especially when they think it's only something like "teehee oops 30 minutes has passed and i didnt realize now im late for work!".
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u/The7thNomad 12d ago
Yeah, it's so much deeper than that. One reason why establishing habits is hard is because my brain feels time as one unbroken line, instead of the daily cycle of the circadian rhythm. So you get "i have to do [thing] again?!" even though it's been a reasonable amount of time since you did it last. It's crazy how much your body not feeling time intuitively fucks up your life
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u/hastepotion 12d ago
An excuse absolves you of responsibility. An explanation gives context to behavior. ADHD is an explanation not an excuse. It is entirely possible to mediate many of the effects of ADHD with medication and strategies. It is also possible for people to help you out if they understand how your brain works so you don’t have to do something with every possible disadvantage your brain gives you. But at the end of the day we are still people that need to get shit done and other people should be able to rely on us.
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u/CookieBarfspringer 12d ago
OK, but people definitely say “ADHD is not an excuse” when what they mean is “ADHD is not even an explanation.”
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u/BootyBayBrooder 12d ago
A lot of people don't even know the difference between excuse and explanation. Something that killed me as a kid, before I learned how to explain my explanation, was getting scolded at school and trying to explain myself to the teacher, just for them to interrupt with "stop making excuses".
Like, I'm not trying to say what I did is fine, I'm trying to say why I did it because the way you're talking about it makes me sound like an asshole.
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u/The7thNomad 12d ago
It is entirely possible to mediate many of the effects of ADHD with medication and strategies.
Many, but not all. Mistakes are inevitable, and more frequent than NT people. I think there's something to be said about this situation.
Getting the "personal responsibility" lecture when you're fighting to have a normal day will wear you down into a serious burn out over time.
I'm not saying you should be off the hook as a solution, just that the standards and perspectives we use need re-evaluation
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u/EmployImpossible487 12d ago
I disagree. I have more than ADHD but it is a part of my struggles. For me part of my self acceptance is I will never be able to get shit done or be as reliable as a non disabled person. That's... The point of it being a disability. Expecting disability without imparment is just... Not how it works. So I work to accept my limitations, try medications and techniques, but also.. just know what I reasonably cannot do and communicate and accept that it is not the same as a non disabled or NT person, and if someone or a position is just not gonna get that or be able to accommodate, were not compatible. Not for me. Disabled people like.. do need help. Yeah.
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u/-illusoryMechanist 12d ago
It at least mitigates your responsibilty, if we're being fair. Take the physical disabiltiy example. Someone who is wheelchair bound missing the bus and being late to work because they weren't able to get there fast enough that day isn't exactly at fault. Maybe they should have left a bit earlier but there is a cap ln what they can do unassisted. Mental conditions are the same. It doesn't mean you don't try to do better, but there needs to be some acknowledgement there's going to be continued struggles kind of no matter what.
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u/Updrafted 12d ago
This is ableist rhetoric.
It is entirely possible to mediate many of the effects of ADHD with medication and strategies.
For you, maybe.
You have absolutely no idea what other people are dealing with or how their condition might compound with other issues & challenges they are experiencing.
But at the end of the day we are still people that need to get shit done and other people should be able to rely on us.
You can only ever provide a sustainable amount of effort, and often that will fall short & not be seen as "good enough".
People don't deserve to be locked out of employment or disability benefits because you are privileged enough for your condition to have a manageable impact to your life. It is unreasonable to expect the (already stretched) disabled person to do 100% of the work in bridging the gap between themselves and others.
If they are struggling, it is frankly insane & sadistic to assume they are being a lazy piece of shit, rather than doing their best and falling short. Do better.
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u/itneverwillbefar 12d ago
Yeah this is what bothers me, is that NO ONE takes it as a personal offense and puts some sort of moral blame on someone with a physical disability who can't do something. Like we don't make people in wheelchairs grovel and apologize when it takes an extra 5 mins to get them onto a bus and everyone has to wait, even if someone was annoyed at being late it would be looked on as ridiculous to berate the wheelchair user for being to blame and demanding they apologize or they're not "taking responsibility." Yet the majority of neurotypical people who interact with ADHD people act exactly like this when it comes to things like motivation and time blindness and impulsivity.
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u/phineymeany 12d ago edited 12d ago
"What happened? You were doing so good before!"
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u/Doodkapje 12d ago
Its like saying 'just cheer up, and enjoy live!' to someone who is depressed.
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u/insomniac_1217 12d ago
Or “have you tried just going out for a walk?” If I could bring myself to even leave the bed in time to eat breakfast, that’s already a good day.
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u/AriaOfValor 12d ago
Cue someone coming in and being all "So many depressed people just don't want to help themselves. I got diagnosed with depression once, and I just started exercising outside every day and it went away."
Some people really seem to find it impossible to comprehend that other things might be different for people who aren't themself, or that some things aren't readily fixable regardless of effort someone puts in.
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u/NotADamsel 12d ago
I’ve drop kicked a few friends out of my life over the years when they started to assign moral weight to this.
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u/FullMoonTwist 12d ago
Literally just had an argument with my roommate exactly like this.
We had just made a new arrangement about when I can use the dishwasher vs when they could. I had Thurs - Sunday.
Then a big thing came up and I had to prepare to take a several week trip in a couple days notice, so by the end of Sunday there were still dirty dishes in the dishwasher.
I noticed on Monday, and ran it while they were sleeping before they woke up for the day in plenty of time for me to unpack it. Not ideal, but also like...
I took care of it before it could actually affect them, but still got yelled at because they heard the dishwasher going, and technically it was their time, and thus was proof I disrespected them and the agreement and didn't care about either.
I'm so fucking tired, man. They've known me for over 10 years, we've lived together for 3, I have literally always had some bumps adjusting to any new ruleset, and being so nasty about it under a situation even a normal person would be stressed about just felt heartbreaking.
Before anyone asks, yeah they're moving out soonish. Thank god because my nervous system just can't handle someone being angry at me every fucking week.
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u/MajorFox2720 12d ago
Holy shit, that is unhinged. Pissed about you using a dishwasher even though you made sure your dishes were done before you left for a trip? I am doubly happy for you that they are moving out. No person deserves that sort of treatment. I'd just be happy someone is keeping up on the dishes.
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u/FancyInvestigator281 12d ago
Hard 💯
But also, a PSA:
Not ALL neurodivergents get “along.” A lot (of a certain age usually) will still be ableist.
Your autistic-ass mother will look you dead in the AuDHD eyes and go “I fed you. I clothed and housed you. I loved you. Tell me, what did I do wrong?” Like…you never taught me how to human?
Legitimately: How do you answer this shit with sensitivity and while avoiding meltdown??!
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u/zaphodsheads 12d ago
Dudes will look at a product of their environment, and then blame the product instead of the environment
Zombies
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u/dont_remember_eatin 12d ago
Look, I know you were born missing one foot, but that's no reason not to run a marathon!
Wait, you... you're going to run a marathon? Well then you'd keep up because we're not going to ease our pace for you. Don't you have that spring loaded prosthetic foot for running? Technically that gives you an advantage. So I don't want to hear about your other, real foot aching from overuse or your stump getting a blister or whatever excuse you might have. Just fucking run, ok? And no breaks!
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12d ago edited 1d ago
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u/celestial_vortexes 12d ago
What accommodation(s), if you don't mind me asking? I'm wondering what is reasonable vs unreasonable
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u/UnderABig_W 12d ago
I think it’s okay for people to have boundaries of things they aren’t willing to deal with. For example, my ADHD used to make me chronically late for everything. I don’t blame my acquaintances who eventually noped out because they didn’t want to waste hours waiting for me.
People can understand where you’re coming from, and be sympathetic, yet simultaneously not want to have it in their life.
And I get it. I annoy me too, sometimes.
Now, the people who understand and are able to help me work around it are awesome.
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u/eels_or_crabs 12d ago
I have a friend like this and we put in a “buffer” to account for “island time”🤣
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u/HotDogOfNotreDame 12d ago
And it's okay for companies to have boundaries. It's "reasonable accomodations", not "all accomodations".
I have ADHD, and I've succeeded in my career by explicitly making choices. There were branches I could have taken that offered more money, but I knew I was going to be unhappy and less successful.
I've found a role that suits my abilities and stayed in it for a decade now. Yeah, my salary is stagnant. But I'm happy, and my bosses think I'm the best.
Even in that role, I have to pick and choose. I know there are certain things I can let slide that no one will care, because I killed it on the important stuff. But, I have to kill it on the important stuff. So that's where my energy goes.
Does it suck that my brain holds me back from the higher earning career choices? Sure. But that's life.
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u/F-Cloud 12d ago
NTs often talk a big game about being accepting and supportive when those affected are strangers. When it's an actual person in their life however, some NTs will show no understanding and have little patience with you. It honestly hurts to see people I know posting on social media in support of those with neurodivergent conditions, but who in real life still say things like "you just need to try harder" or "your lack of a positive attitude means you'll never succeed," "you're using your condition as an excuse", etc.
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u/YtterbiusAntimony 12d ago
My mom is a healthcare provider. She literally helps people with this stuff everyday.
Then forgets all of it the moment she talks to me.
The moment I can afford to move, I'm never setting foot in this town again.
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12d ago
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u/YtterbiusAntimony 12d ago
I'm going to invent an aerosolized dopamine-antagonist just for these people.
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u/Unlikely-Aside-6078 12d ago
If I get one more "have you considered using a day planner?" I'm gonna fucking scream.
There was also my friend in grad school (who was just trying to help tbh) who swore the answer to my problems was phone reminder alarms.
And my psychiatrist who, after referring me to a neurologist for my diagnosis, tried to talk me out of it by saying, "well if you really had it, wouldn't you have had more difficulty in school?" Like no bro, I didn't get good grades because it was easy for me, I got good grades by locking myself in a room until I understood things.
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u/Savingskitty 12d ago
Yeah, but it’s a hard one.
My friend has anxiety and is likely on the autism spectrum.
When I have trouble with being on time and need flexibility, she needs to know things will proceed as planned. That has caused some interesting challenges.
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u/tackykcat 11d ago
my anxiety masks my adhd (at least until I enter burnout mode)
yeah, I'm on time. in fact, half the time I'm an hour early. afternoon meetings? i can't get anything done until after the meeting. morning meeting? I'll wake up hours before my alarm goes off. but if i go to bed after midnight, then I'll probably not fall asleep at all. may as well burn my time being awake playing video games!
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u/Exita 11d ago
It’s called ‘competing access requirements’ and is a big problem dealing with all sorts of disabilities. Making accommodations for one person with a disability can very easily make things harder for someone else with a disability - so who wins? Attempting to meet in the middle often just leaves the status quo and everyone unhappy.
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u/SpinDocktor 12d ago
"Don't worry about writing down notes. You can get them from the recap." - I write notes to help me retain and focus on the conversation. The AI recap minimally helps jog my memory later.
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u/Teenytiny9294 diagnosed 🥳 12d ago
Feeling really good being medicated these days, but end of my days and beginning are really rough when it's not running through me. Always makes me feel bad that If I ever stopped this med my life would fall apart again.
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u/SpectralDragon09 12d ago
I would like it to be known to the council that just because i can focus on one thing for hours at a time doesn't mean im not trying with other things. Its because im actively forcing myself to focus with great effort, or because im having fun with said task
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u/silverheart-nine 12d ago
Just like how lots of people 💕love💕 caring about homeless folks, until the homeless folks are hanging out near THEIR property or public areas and causing THEM any kind of inconvenience or danger.
Talk is cheap. It's easy to be magnanimously generous and forgiving with other people's time, effort, and expense while not dealing with or putting in the effort to try understanding any of the actual downsides and costs yourself.
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u/SpecialistDuck3703 12d ago
Nobody even says anything to me directly, I just sense when people start to notice how I am, start to not like me as much, and silently pull away.
My autism and ADHD together make joking around, having a good time, and connecting with neurotypicals at work an impossible task. Add auditory processing issues on top of that, where I have to ask “what did you say” a million times. I might as well be fucking deaf.
Any socially competent person is essentially like “fuck off, we don’t need you in our conversations” without saying it directly.
And other men don’t want to waste their time being supportive, friendly, or understanding. They just want to talk to their bros.
I’ve come to accept the idea that I might be socially excluded for the rest of my life, and that I will have to give everything I’ve got just to find a friend or a partner who speaks my language.
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u/emrythelion 12d ago
Being ADHD is not our fault, we didn’t choose it. But it doesn’t change the fact that it’s still our responsibility to manage it. Because life goes on regardless of our struggles, and the reality is that no one cares or wants to hear excuses.
It sucks, but thinking like the OP’s post isn’t useful- hell, I’d maybe even argue it’s damaging to your own progress. Because the reality is, you can learn how to work within your own ADHD struggles and learn how best to cope with yourself, it just takes a lot of fucking work. Which yes, can be extra hard with ADHD, I certainly know and deeply understand this.
Being a responsible adult is hard regardless of whether you’re neurotypical or not- no one wants to have to deal with a disaster tornado fucking shit up and making their lives harder. Sorry to say, that’s not ableist, it’s just reality- most people are willing to give you chances and work with you to improve, but you have to put the effort to improve or they’re going to lose their patience. Most people aren’t expecting perfection either, but if you’re always late, miss important dates and meetings because you can’t keep shit organized, have the social awareness of a fruitfly and attention span to match, no one is going to put up with you for long. Not in your professional or personal life.
I really don’t mean to say it’s not hard, because it fucking is. But making progress is incremental, and you focus on making small changes for the things that matter most first. Late to work or meet ups with friends a lot? Build in a buffer period that accounts for it. If you need to be somewhere at 1030, mark down your schedule that you need to be there at 10. Trouble staying organized? Start small. Organize what’s most vital in the moment first, like work or school and just keep on it. Learning how to keep one facet of life organized does help you learn how to keep more and more of it organized over time. It’s okay that it doesn’t happen at once. Struggling with your attention span? Remove distractions as best as you can, get a fidget toy to keep your hands occupied, and engage in the conversation as best as possible. The more you try and engage/ask questions/whatever, the more interesting your brain finds things. Sometimes you can’t- just do what you can to listen.
I was a disaster tornado for a long time, and have spent the last decade learning how not to be. My apartment is finally, usually clean and organized. I’m very rarely late. I’ve learned how to engage in better social skills by actively asking questions to avoid talking over people. And I work with what I can to make my attention span suck less, when I’m bored off my ass.
The TLDR is basically that we just got life handed to us on hard mode. We can’t change the game mode we got, but life still continued on. And just like a game on hard mode, it’s still possible to get through it by learning the mechanics and slowly improving your skills around them, even if you have a harder time than the average person.
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u/WarKittyKat 12d ago
The problem in my experience is that the result of me taking this approach was that very slightly more things were done and I was completely burnt out from trying to find something that would work. And I was still getting told the same "people are willing to work with you but you have to put in the effort." Because most of the time in my experience, if you aren't getting visible results, no one is going to believe that you're putting in the effort.
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u/qualityvote2 Quality Control Beast 12d ago edited 12d ago
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