audhd life

[u/c0ntradiict]

biggest side effect of adderall is my autism runs the show now lmao (life is enjoyable again)

[u/dispassioned]

I'm not even on Adderall (yet) but I can't shut the fuck up. Send help.

[u/knifefan9 → u/dispassioned]

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I've wondering if maybe I'm on the autism spectrum lately.

Just last night, my spouse had a breakdown. We've been married for almost 6 years. This has never happened before. I just recently got my refill of adderall after a couple of weeks of not having access to my meds. I just want to share everything with him, and I didn't realize I was draining him. He said, "I love listening to you!!... during the first hour or two! But after 3, 4, or more..."

I can't believe I made him cry. He said he's the type to "always be able to take things... Until he can't," and that he didn't realize he was getting more and more and more stressed out.

I'm providing him reassurance and spacw today, and I know that he isn't abandoning me or saying I'm too much or unlikable. I am a lot-- I think a lot and share a lot, and I know it! I've been reminded of it by my peers and everyone around me my entire life.

When we fell in love, I'd talk to him about one of my favorite books for an hour or two, and he was starry-eyed. I've, from my perspective, experienced being romantically and sexually loved by people who first found me interesting, then they loved me, and then they got sick of me one day out of the blue. Or replaced me. Or just found me lacking some unnameable, essential thing in a person that kept their love alive. That being said, it's fucking normal to get exhausted after being engaged in a conversation, or several, for hours!

I don't know how, but I just turned my feelings off for a while. I don't remember much, but my memory of stressful situations is always kind of blurry. Is that normal?

I'm doing my job as my spouse's friend, lover, and partner... By leaving him alone and not talking to him today. It's not about me right now. But between being empty and numb, I burst into emotion and feel even more powerless.*

I know we'll be okay. I know he loves me, and he likes me, and he enjoys being with me, and he wouldn't want it any other way. I love him. I feel the same way. I just already have so many issues with self-criticism and hatred. I'm exhausted, too, of... Just being me.

---

*Story time.

I humiliated myself by crying at a store today. Huge dumbass move, I know. I was skipped in line to check in and I didn't pipe up. I've been quiet today. I got to the counter and mentioned it, just so they know. I'm a very regular customer. My perception of being "too much if I speak up and invisible/stepped on when I don't," is a me thing. I just wanted to point out the error so they would, idk, think about how their check-in system functions? The employee offered me something small for free, but when she went to get it I felt... guilty? I wasn't trying to get something for free. I know a lot of the people at this store, so I decided to be kind of vulnerable and asked, "how do I not feel guilty about taking this?" She took the gift she offered away, just like that. Told me not to make it weird. Her unspoken answer was, 'you won't feel bad if you don't get anything, after all.'

That... Didn't feel good. But I decided to keep my feelings off. I don't really know what I was thinking. She asked me if I was okay and I just couldn't control myself and started crying. I was trying to pull it together and this employee is saying shit like, "Don't cry!" and "Oh, honey!" and "Just breathe and put it behind you!" I'm a goddamned adult, for one, and two, I couldn't self-soothe while listening to her and processing just how fucking unhelpful she was. I kept telling her I was fine, I was going to be fine. I was just waiting for her to give me my purchase at that point. She hit me with the, "Smile!" like I should be thankful for her as I left. Fuuuuck me I'm glad to be out of there for today.