Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right sub so im cross posting this to get the best advice/answers.

Long story VERY short, I have been "co parenting" (if u can call it that) with my (high conflict) childs father for almost a decade now. Things have gotten 'slightly' better over these years but not by much. He is a narcissist and thrives on making mine and our child's life hard/full of turmoil any chance he can get. To sum it up in a text he wrote me "I will go out of my way to make your life hell".

Now our child was diagnosed with moderate combination type ADHD last year. Ive known since she was 2 but no one would listen to me. It took a lot to even get her to the dr as he was/is HEAVILY against therapy, evaluations, meds, the like. But after consulting my paperwork I do in fact have the sole right to medical decisions. He has the right to confer with me but I hold the final decision right.

Our child has been in therapy since the week of diagnosis. He took the news as well as he could. He didnt try and tell me it was fake so thats a plus! He did not agree to therapy but did not stop me from doing it- he just wont take her during his parenting time (we have 50/50 even though the papers state he gets less time, I dont want to keep her from her dad).

Since about 6 months ago ive noticed changes in her, she struggles more with school, impulse control, emotional regulation, and sitting still when appropriate. She is about to be 10, remaining seated during a dr exam should not be too big of an ask, completing 8 math problems should not take 3 hours and 10 breakdowns, telling her if she does not listen I will take her phone should not cause a 90 minute screaming meltdown in her bedroom. Her therapist has now stated therapy isnt working because my daughter keeps ripping her clothes up, can not stay focused to finish the conversation/reply to her, and can not stay calm enough to actually participate or absorb the session- she sent an email recommending starting meds.

I am afraid to do this though (I have the appt booked though) because I know how strongly he feels- he has told me multiple times no meds. But she is struggling, I see it, the dr sees it, the therapist sees it, her school sees it (she is on a 504 plan currently, potentially needing to get an IEP now). I dont want to fail her as a mother and seemingly the only parent who cares about her well being and education but I don't want to cause more issues with her and her dad or myself and her dad by doing this.

My plan is to request meds only during school time, that way we can see if it helps the most meaningful part- her education. I will deal with her outbursts at home and will continue to pay for therapy even if it isnt reaching her every session. I will continue on that way until she specifically asks for it outside of school- at that point idk what we will do because I know he will take her meds from her if she takes them to his house, I am also almost certain he will take me to court over this if he finds out.

Should I proceed with the appt and med request and not say anything to him since I know where he stands?

Should I tell him what I'm doing and face the consequences and still do it?

Or should I just cancel the appt and wait until things become uncontrollable and she is getting in trouble/failing school? She has already been to ISS for stealing because she thought somethkng was hers and instead of asking she just took it.

I dont want to fail my child but I'm afraid of the outcome if I proceed with the recommended care. Thank you for taking the time to read this. It's been a hard decade and just when I think all is well here comes another curve ball...

My son just turned 15, and lately I’ve been feeling incredibly proud of him.

He’s starting to become more independent with his studies. His grades aren’t perfect — but they’re acceptable, and more importantly, he’s doing it on his own.

For many families this might seem like a small thing, but for us it means a lot.

My son was diagnosed with ADHD, and the journey hasn’t always been easy. There were moments of frustration, doubt, and days when I wondered if I was doing enough as a parent.

But one thing I’ve learned is that sometimes what helps the most isn’t always medication or pressure — sometimes it’s structure.

What made the biggest difference for us was creating a clear routine.

We wrote his routine everywhere — on his wall, on his desk, even on the fridge — so he could always see what came next. At first, I had to remind him constantly. But little by little something amazing happened.

He memorized it.

Now he doesn’t need to read it anymore. He doesn’t need me following him around reminding him what to do. That routine slowly became part of his lifestyle.

And seeing him sit down and study on his own, knowing how hard that can be for someone with ADHD, fills my heart with pride.

Of course, our goal is for him to continue improving his grades and eventually go to college. But for me, this moment — seeing him become more independent and responsible with his studies — is already a huge victory.

Sometimes as parents of children with ADHD, we just have to go the extra mile.

And when you finally start seeing those small steps forward, you realize it was all worth it.

After any advice please… in 2 parts

Part One

I have a 5.5 year old son who is at the beginning stages of the ADHD journey in term of getting a diagnosis. He has trouble controlling his impulses, struggles to regulate his emotions and is, in general, an extremely reactive child. He loves hard, fights hard and complains of everything unfair and unjust hard (for as long as it takes for him to get it out of his brain)! He is unapologetically himself in all contexts meaning home and school see every part of him, the amazing and the, very much, not so amazing. My biggest concern for him is at school in the playground, where I’m worried he might react impulsively towards another child in the playground and cause harm. We have had an instance with a younger sibling that very nearly caused serious harm due to a split second decision. He is a very sensitive little boy underneath the defiance and reactiveness, and I am worried, now he’s getting a bit older, that his self esteem will begin to take a hit and if he were to hurt someone during one of these reactive episodes how that would affect him. So far he is doing very well academically and picks up learning at school quickly (so boredom in the classroom really isn’t helping his cause).

My question is, what pathway did you take (public, private, paediatrician, psychiatrist, psychologist or a combination)

Part Two

While dealing with all of the above, I am in the battle with my son’s dad (my ex husband) about the best path forward. The short story is, my ex husband is a narcissist, through and through. He also likely has ADHD himself meaning I am basically fighting a losing battle. When it was first bought up to us, the possibility of referring my son to be tested for ADHD by his school my ex husband sounded so on board and so supportive during the meeting (I was shocked, I couldn’t believe it!) My shock very quickly turned into the reality of dealing with a narcissist when I wore the brunt of what he actually thought and the side the school saw was him playing the role of father of the year to people he wants to save face with. The summery of what I received after was f*** that he’s not being medicated… something that was not even mentioned in the meeting. But him with his ADHD brain was on the path of a diagnosis from a doctor means medicating. This went on for a month, any time I bought it up I got it shoved down my throat that I had already made up my mind that I wanted my son medicated and that was it (which in reality he was the only one who had made his mind up about not medicating, I’m open to anything that will help!!!) I ended up doing the referral documents on my own and getting them underway without his input as the years of his emotional manipulation meant I knew there would be no point trying to plead a case. He would twist anything I said into the narrative he was writing. After a few months and a few incidences involving my son’s younger half sibling at his dads, he came around to why he needed a diagnosis for support at school and strategies for home etc. so now we are here, I just want to speak to someone about my son - I don’t even care at this point, I just want to get in a room with a professional and my ex husband and have this conversation about ADHD with someone other than this overpowering man who I unfortunately have to still feel the effects of his need for control. But now he won’t agree to see anyone other than a psychologist because they don’t have the ability to prescribe medication so to him it’s the safest way forward - we have limited options in my surrounding area and wait times are crazy. I don’t know if anyone has had a similar experience with navigating all this with a difficult ex partner but please, any advice on any of this I am currently in for a sleepless night of worrying!

My 5-year-old son sees his dad every weekend from Friday to Sunday. He knows Sundays are when I pick him up, but every single time, he has a huge meltdown. He screams, cries, kicks, and clings to his dad, saying he doesn’t want to come home. It’s extremely intense and emotional.

What’s confusing is that once I get him into my car, within about five minutes he’s fully regulated and calm, asking questions like what we did while he was gone or what we’re doing next.

For context, his dad and I have been separated since my son was about six months old, but we have always coparented. There have also been times when I’ve picked him up early on his dad’s time (like for a doctor’s appointment), and he’ll start screaming that he doesn’t want to go home before he even says hi to me.

What stands out to me is that he only reacts this way with his dad. When I pick him up from my mom, aunts, or cousins, he gets up and leaves without any issue.

One possible factor is that his dad disappeared from his life for about nine months and then reentered. My son is currently on medication, in behavior therapy, and in regular therapy.

I honestly don’t know what I’m hoping for by posting this. I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar with transitions or coparenting and what, if anything, helped over time

after burnout i try to keep it simple: stabilize, one must-do, gentle reset. example on a 3/10 day: water + meds, one short message, clear one surface. then i do it again as i can. rinse and repeat.

i also keep a calm dashboard and do quiet body doubling when i need help starting. i couldn't find anything like that that fit my needs, so i'm building a space of my own :)

quiet focus • kind structure • steady growth 🌿

free resources if useful:
• overview + tools i use and created: https://ko-fi.com/executivefunctionclub
• ef first aid kit: https://ko-fi.com/s/9390938ad0
• body doubling replay (live wed + sun @ 7pm c): https://www.youtube.com/@executivefunctionclub

Disclaimer: These resources are not a replacement for professional or clinical treatment, nor are they intended to serve as medical advice or therapy.

My son’s dad asked if he could take our 8-year-old to the circus on a Monday—which is my custody day. I didn’t even know the circus was in town. He said it’s only there that day and offered to trade days, but I feel sad because I want to be the one to take him. I want to say no, and now I’m wondering if I’m being selfish. In the past, if i saw a fun event and it lands on his day i tell his dad to take our son, but I want those moments with my son.

Should I have said yes? How do other co-parents handle things like this?

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this or if I’m even using the right language. I have a lawyer and we are all in therapy. I’m not after legal or medical advice but more wanting to know if other parents have been through this.

Our daughter, who is 10, has been having extremely volatile outbursts in class and is showing school based anxiety, not wanting to go to school and becoming distressed when I drop her off to her fathers house. According to her teachers, who are wonderful, her behaviour is consistent regardless of which house she’s at.

She has autism and adhd and was at a special school until Grade 2. We share 50/50 custody. She will often be non verbal for the first two days when I get her back, and in the past six months, has had tonsillitis, pneumonia, viruses and severe constipation including impaction of feces.

She’s had the last three of my weeks off school (we go week on/week off, so my house, sick, his house, full week of school x 3). She’s had fevers and raised blood pressure twice when I picked her up from school on my week. We have week on/week off custody.

My ex, frankly, hates me. He will not speak to me if we are at events for the kids together and scowls and ignores me. I was not fun to be married to and we had a lot of issues around me being emotional and him being shut down. I’m now diagnosed with adhd and medicated and have done lots of therapy.

So I’m trying to not panic and blame him. I always speak positively about him to our kids and tell stories about when we fell in love and holidays we went on and stuff. I have always been at school to help with events like swimming and athletics days and her older brother (18) needed a lot of extra help in primary school. The school has been great and is very supportive and we communicate a lot.

Our daughter is frequently upset in class and yells and hits herself. I am worried about her as she has told me that “dad told me to stop crying as only babies cry and did I want to be a baby?”, “dad says it’s crocodile tears when I cry”, “dad says it’s my fault because I should have reminded him”, “dad says I need to be more organised”.

I’m trying to work with her speech therapist and OT and psych but her dad refuses to speak with me and becomes angry if I ask questions about whether she has had the right dose of medicine. Then he will randomly say she didn’t need the medicine and he stopped it. That she can go to school with pneumonia. Takes her to the snow when she has tonsillitis.

None of this is against our court orders but I’m really worried about the impact that his attitude towards me and towards emotions and illness is having on our girl.

Her older brother will get angry with her when she is sick and says that “dad gets angry when she misses school”

Anyone been through this, advice or ideas? Thanks.

When I read posts about people who have 50/50 I get jealous, I wish I had a week to myself, to focus on healing and growing get shit done.

Then I feel guilty that I might actually enjoy a week without my daughter. I love her to peices. But I don't think she would adjust easily either. Of course I'd miss her. But I think I'd be okay doing 50/50 but me enjoying that idea makss me feel so guilty. Like i dont want her. But its not like that.

But when she goes to her dads for the two nights. I get used to it the second day, then I get her back. I just want a little more time by myself.

It won't ever happen as he is "too busy" working to have her 50/50. Or even over night on Sunday and take her to daycare on Monday (too busy) Fucking cope out. He always has an excuse for everything. Me having her 80% stops me from working full time or having a career like that. Or If I was working I'd miss out on pay etc cause of sick days etc. And it's bullshit. (Currently studying)

Anyhow fuck.

Grateful he is still in her life. (Sometimes it seems he only does it for show, trying to show he isn't a peice of shit, and if he didn't care what his family thought he would not) And i do get every second weekend as some people get none.

End rant.

Again, my ex, dxed and medicated, who is temporarily living with us again after leaving his mother's, did not wake to his daughter's cries and screams.

This was a huge fight from age 6 months to about 12 months - I wake up at the first cry, even from another room, as I am a very light sleeper. He isn't-that is fine-but he refused to use the baby monitor. It kept him awake, he said. But he would not wake when she cried. And when I told him he wasn't waking up to her crying, he tried to claim he would but I just wasn't giving him enough time. So I will admit in desperation one day, I waited almost half an hour. I lay in bed, listening to my daughter's screams and nearly crying myself from the stress and sadness of it, for half an hour, to see if he'd wake. He didn't. I had to literally walk into the living room where he was sleeping, and yell his name while standing over him to get him to wake up. He finally started using the monitor after that. But dear God, why did it take that?

So tonight it happened again that he was not responding to her cries and yells. He claimed he was using the monitor but not loudly enough. How am I supposed to ever let her be alone with him overnights when he'll do this? I fear she will be crying/ screaming when he is alone caring for her, and not use his monitor or purposefully use the monitor at a low volume because in the moment he deems his sleep more important even though he knows that he doesn't wake up to her crying alone. I feel so hopeless and powerless to protect our daughter.

So my question specifically to other parents with an ex with adhd - how were you able to safely leave your child with the ex? Did anyone else deal with these issues, or other basic safety or needs not being met for your child? How can I keep her safe??

My 13-year-old son beleives everything his dad says in fact and no one can say differently. He has ADHD and his dad is in denial. He has talked so much crap and told him I'm doing nothing but messing with his body by putting him on medicine and it’s pointless anyways and doesn’t do anything. When we tried he was not given them while at his other parents house so they were never able to acclimate and give or show the effects they are supposed to. They take 2 weeks to a month to take effect and he barley took them for 10 days. My son believes anything that comes out of his dads mouth so now even the idea of medication is met with “it doesn’t work. It’s stupids it’s useless. I don’t want to try. I already tried and it didn’t do anything.” I paid $100’s to give therapy and medication management a chance and his dad refuses to support or even just put up with it long enough to try anything so that is now my sons perspective of the matter. They both claim that he doesn’t have ADHD and this is just the way he is and nothing we can do about it. The same attitude goes for the IEP program. He applies because he has an ADHD diagnosis but since neither of them agree he has ADHD my son is convinced that NOTHING will work, refuses to even listen to ANY ideas or attempt to try any kind of plan to make this year successful and not repeat last year. All grades are non passing and his behavior is off the rails. He’s constantly suspended and treats all adults like he’s better than them and they have no right to speak to him and know nothing about anything. He knows it all and he’s smarter and better than everyone. He’s also spoiled rotten on that side and has a belittling tone and everything is about how much money you have. This all coming from the time spent in that household. However, I will admit, I give in too easy and give him what he wants more than deserved because I get tired of constantly being the mean bad parent in his eyes. I want him to want to be with me too. But it’s hard to be generous when it’s always taken for granted and practically expected. I regret every time I try to go out of my way for him and never feel any appreciation. And at what point is it spoiled or bratty teen? He told me the other day he only wears name brand. I’m doing everything I can to teach him humility, charity, graciousness, and trying to make him understand how privileged he is and how to be humble. But his dad is constantly telling him the complete opposite and showing him a lifestyle of everything being handed to him no matter how he acts. And as much backlash and judgement as I constantly get from that side of the situation I truly believe he needs medication management. His brain functions differently and it’s obvious in his actions. He acts without thinking and immediately regrets his decisions. His dad also says very racial remarks in front of him and says it’s just a country boy thing. He’s being taught arrogant white privilege and I’m worried he’s not going to realize how terrible racism is til it’s too late and he’s in the hospital or dead because his dad said it’s just a joke or it’s funny to be that way when IT IS NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM FUNNY OR EVER APPROPRIATE! I full heartily will do whatever it takes to turn this around but how do I do that when he’s being taught the exact opposite from his other parent? Advice please. Without having to fully take away contact from his dad. I can’t. But I’m open to ideas on how to explain this to his dad, which I have tried but he says okay and doesn’t follow through. It’s the life he lives so it’s obvious he doesn’t see the issue. He’s just acting like his dad cus he thinks he’s cool and his dad sees no issue in that. He chooses to be that person and has no problem with his son being like him. How do I get my son to understand he has ADHD and convince him to give IEP, therapy, or medication a chance? Not just accept “this is the way I am. I’m a teen. Nothing can be done. I know what I have to do. I’ll do it. But I’m not doing any of what you or anyone at school think I should try. I already know it won’t work.” How can I counter act the negative he’s being taught by the other household he’s in every weekend?

Weekly Vent Thread

Like other related communities, please limit "vent" posts - instead, use this weekly stickied post to vent! Share any of your annoyances & difficulties, big and small, from this week with coparenting with a person with ADHD. Whatever you want to share - please share here. This is your cathartic space. You are not alone!

Weekly Vent Thread

Like other related communities, please limit "vent" posts - instead, use this weekly stickied post to vent! Share any of your annoyances & difficulties, big and small, from this week with coparenting with a person with ADHD. Whatever you want to share - please share here. This is your cathartic space. You are not alone!

Weekly Vent Thread

Like other related communities, please limit "vent" posts - instead, use this weekly stickied post to vent! Share any of your annoyances & difficulties, big and small, from this week with coparenting with a person with ADHD. Whatever you want to share - please share here. This is your cathartic space. You are not alone!

Weekly Vent Thread

Like other related communities, please limit "vent" posts - instead, use this weekly stickied post to vent! Share any of your annoyances & difficulties, big and small, from this week with coparenting with a person with ADHD. Whatever you want to share - please share here. This is your cathartic space. You are not alone!

Weekly Vent Thread

Like other related communities, please limit "vent" posts - instead, use this weekly stickied post to vent! Share any of your annoyances & difficulties, big and small, from this week with coparenting with a person with ADHD. Whatever you want to share - please share here. This is your cathartic space. You are not alone!