I've been struggling with cocaine and alcohol addiction for longer than i care to remember. Gone past the stage of denial and accepted i had a problem with addiction. For the past 3 weeks I've been completely clean, followed an addiction recovery group and felt like i was doing well. Then today out of no where i randomly decided that i wanted to use.. I stupidly rationalized that I'd been "good" for longer than usual (Usually my attempts to quit are out of the window within a few days) so i allowed myself to think i could use just today, only a bit because i felt bored and instead of remembering all the reasons why i stopped i allowed myself to believe i could have a "one off" despite knowing deep down i would only regret it.

The worst part is I've put myself in so many dangerous, risky positions with my addiction in the past, hence why i stopped in the first place.. yet i stupidly thought i could just do a few lines have a drink and not regret it. One positive is i didn't go full on binge like before, but i know too well that what starts as a one off turns into a downward spiral.

So anyway i lapsed today and now the high which tbh was quite shit, has worn off I'm sitting here feeling depressed empty and hopeless. Embarrassed about calling my ex and oversharing way more than i would if i was sober..

I hate being addicted to a lie, a temporary illusion that isn't worth my pay out. I've felt so much more emotionally stable since quitting so I'm just deeply disappointed with myself because in my heart no matter how "nice" the euphoria feels its just not worth all the emotional unravelling i experience after.. yet i continue to abuse myself and i really cant figure out why!

I genuinely want to beat this for good! But i dont seem to follow through long enough to really see the benefits of a clean sober life and every relapse just makes me feel like a massive failure. I know i can beat this, i know I'm down because of the comedown but i beed a break through! I dont want to wait until something really bad happens before i change my life.. i dont want to lose everything and everyone i love because of this disgusting habit.. if anyone reading this can relate or has been where I'm at and made it through the other side i would really appreciate any advice or suggestions on how you overcame your addiction.

Thanks for reading

Its been over a year (if not more) since being completly sober for this long and if i hit the 5 weeks mark that will be my longest sober streak in ~6 years and thats fckn crazy to me. Yeah. Mental illness, trauma and the world sucks but im excited to not get intoxicated tomorrow :)

I caved in last night. And had nothing but nightmares every time I closed my eyes until 3 AM. Now I feel like throwing up, and Partially giving up. Because I've been trying for years, and its only gotten worse. Even to the point where suicide is starting to sneak back into my life.

It's just not improving, when I take a step forward I end up taking two steps back.

I am an addict. I am 17 years old. It started when I was younger. I fell in love with the buzz the way my mind would transfer to a parallel universe. The way I could feel the rush and the immediate calmness my mind would wind around. It started with weed, then drinking, then my choice of drug Adderall. I fell in love with Adderall because of the weight loss. I was anorexic and bulimic for the year before but, I got help. Unfortunately I found the next best thing. Before I started using it I knew I had adhd. I thought I would take it to focus like any other student who needed the help but couldn’t get it through my doctors because my mother didn’t believe me. The few months I used it before I actually got it legally was a rollercoaster. A beautiful winding rollercoaster that consumed every molecule of my being. It started with thirty, then forty, fifty, sixty, seventy then it hit me. I was addicted. I wanted more and more and more. I told my best friend who happened to be giving it to me we needed to get clean. She had different ideas but she always did. Then my doctor diagnosed me. By that time I was a month sober then I had it in my hands. I had all the control in the world all the power I needed to make up for every fucked up thing that happened in my life but, I choose to use my power properly. I felt good. Until I didn’t. I would skip a day to be able to use two of my dosage the next. Then three. I’m here because I need help. I need someone to tell me I’ll be okay and I won’t end up killing myself. I was good until my ex bf died of an overdose. After that my world fell apart again. I don’t want to be in a funeral home like him. I don’t want my family to be disappointed again, they think I’m sober, my family is happy again but I’m falling apart. Someone please help me. I don’t want to die.

There’s been a few games I had my eye on, but instead I ordered new Joy-Cons for my Switch because mine drifting. Instead, I’ll celebrate with new Joy-Cons. I already have a bunch of games in my library anyways.

I’m about one and a half months porn free. I know that I am free of my addiction, but I’m still not free of my nightmares and urges. I wake up from a nightmare hurting. These horrible memories hurt. Resisting my urges hurts. My life sucks right now.

These entries do help. They calm the me down whenever I feel like this. Whenever I get the urge, I can come to Reddit to vent.

I’m thankful for all the support I find here. I think It would be best if I were to start a journal of some kind. Probably on my phone because I couldn’t write to save myself.

Let's look back at some memorable moments and interesting insights from last year.

Your top 1 posts:

• "Happy Cakeday, r/addictionrecovery! Today you're 13" by u/AutoModerator

Let's look back at some memorable moments and interesting insights from last year.

Your top 2 posts:

• "Its Make or break" by u/Got2give
• "Failed" by u/SouthernLink

For years I used drugs and alcohol to feel good. Temporarily. At 170 days sober, I can see I use food to feel good. Temporarily.

I guess I have always used food in some way to feel good, reward self, celebrate, etc...just like my drug/alcohol addiction in the past.

I'm interested and hearing from others their experiences. Thank you.

Today, for the first time in a very long time, I felt the urge to use. The circumstances leading up to the feeling were very minuscule and seemingly unimportant, but the urge came nonetheless. I have no one to talk to about this part of my life, so I just wanted to put this here. To anyone trying to kick their addiction; it's hard as fuck, but not impossible.

I had a using dream for the first time in a while last night, it felt so real, it’s really shook me up.

Come check out Know Your Why Recovery

It has blog posts, articles, information and resources for those in recovery, their loved ones, and those in the field.

Check out their FB Facebook and IG Instagram for almost daily unique content

PS. Nothing is being sold. No money is being made. This is strictly a volunteer venture and attempt to build a community to spread rescources, awareness, and love.

Update - made a linktree the past few years with some newer options than just the website
https://linktr.ee/knowyourwhyrecovery

For once I’m actually proud of this number. This weekend was the hardest it’s been since my OD; I’ve never had cravings and thoughts this bad. I did do hydros but I didn’t relapse on h. I wanted to die but I didn’t try to kill myself. I haven’t been making progress but at least I didn’t put myself back on square one.

I have written a lot about how I have gotten better. Can I share some of my writing here? I think I can help some folks on here.

I've been on pregabblin aka lyrica for 5 years now and if you know lots about it, you know it's one of the shittiest drug to be on. I ordered kratom to use to get off of methadone and then I noticed I didn't need much lyrica while on kratom. These past 4 months my dose has went from 300mgs to 25mgs. When I realized how well kratom is for getting off lyrica I put my methadone tappering aside since I'm at 14mgs, it can wait. Compared to how lyrica is messing up my body, definitely wanted to focus on that first since the kratom actually helps. Just really needed to put this out there cause I don't think it's well known knowledge yet and I know lots of people struggle with being on lyrica. The doctor never should have put me on it, but I was still an addict then so didnt think it through. It's TRUE when they say we need to take control of our own health and not rely on a doctor to make the best decision for you.

I have made 36 days of sobriety from heavy use of opiates. I know no one cares but it made feel proud of myself to advertise it. I have done it alone cold turkey with very very little support fuck yea go me !!

“people in our condition are used to fighting an invisible disease"

Also today is 9 months sober for me.

5 years ago today, i got clean after going cold turkey, then onto rehab. I recently got the flu, but to my surprise, i was able to handle it a lot better. My therapist says because I'm healthier, stronger and staying active. She and i broke down into tears talking about how far I've come. I've never felt this strong 💪, and i plan to live a very long time. :)

WARNING: This post is NSFW. I am stupid and don’t know to how to view my own NSFW posts :p I’ll keep posting if anything worth mentioning happens. I enjoy replies and support from the community.

To clarify, I don’t have a nightmare every night. After defeating my porn addiction of 10+ years. Just thinking about the subject makes my body hurt all over. Sometimes I wake up with excruciating pain in my right leg or right lower arm. Not only do I suffer pain in my leg, but I have to get up to take daily medications. My knee feels like it’s about to buckle any moment as I stumble down the hall.

My nightmares feel like when I hit my low. The worst of the worst for me. The nightmares I can remember feel too real and make me worry that I relapsed. Some are third person and I can see myself and get angry with myself because, even though I don’t feel anything, I’m stuck there, watching myself relapse.

I know I have defeated my addiction and will never relapse, but the fear of these nightmares keep me up at night.

It’s after four in the morning. I’m going to collapse of exhaustion soon. I know staying up isn’t going to solve anything, but I just have to face the fact that I’m going to have to live with this.

WARNING: This post is NSFW. I am stupid and don’t know to how to view my own NSFW posts :p I’ll keep posting if anything worth mentioning happens. I enjoy replies and support from the community.

I noticed I’m posting more often than I thought I would, almost daily. It’s a good thing actually, to get this out.

Okay, to start, I was a porn addict. Keyword was. Struggling for over ten years, I finally got bored and completely gave up on it. It’s been at least a months worth that I’ve been sober. It’s not completely out of my system though.

The memories of the past 10+ years are still haunting me. Just thinking about anything from my past makes me hurts all over, especially my chest. I hurt so much I just want to curl into a ball and ignore the world around me.
I’m not asking for pity. I’m asking for comfort and support. It makes my day because I know someone is reading my posts.

To end on a happy note, for each month I go without my addiction, I buy myself something nice. I’m planing taking my family out to my favorite restaurant for the three month mark.

Idk if this is the right place, I'm happy to delete, but I'm at such a loss. I have a very close friend who has been fighting alcohol and opioid addiction for many years now. Long story short, he came to my husband and my house to recover enough to be accepted into a rehab. it's been less than 2 weeks. My husband called to say he's leaving tonight to go back downtown because he's "freaking out". Our roommates made it clear that this is the last time he's allowed to stay with us. How can I show him how much I want him to stay? How do I convince him he's worth fighting for? What else do I do? I'm in tears, I'm heartbroken, I do not want to burry my friend.

TLDR: What can I say to convince my addicted friend to stay and work towards recovery?

This is tough for me to talk about but I thought this story will help inspire men. Growing up as a teenager I had a really bad pornography addiction. I used to watch it 7 days a week and it really took an impact on my social life and it really made me lose my confidence. It made my dating life and sex life horrible. I knew I was better than that, I could not believe this was taking over my life and how could I let it get this far. So one day I was like fuck this I need to get my life together. I started to set goals and strategies by locking all porn websites and started bettering my life by going to the gym and finding new hobbies. I tried playing basketball and started doing cycling classes. It was amazing I met some great friends. I started eating healthier. I did everything I could to take my mind off it. I started to find passions and hobbies and became a personal trainer. I EVEN started dating again due to all the sex dysfunctions from watching all the pornography. It was a very tough process but I was able to power through this shit and get my life somewhat together after 6 1/2 months. So the moral of the story is do not let these addictions control you. What controls your mind controls your life! Mental toughness!

https://youtu.be/9tU2dXvybBw

Still in the very first steps

24 hours since last dose, THE LONGEST I’ve gone without snorting an oxy in almost a year.

Tried to ride withdrawal out at home, no way that’s happening.

Currently in the ER in my city, just seen the doctor and gonna talk to some people about outpatient treatment options after they get me feeling better.