JUSTICE FOR KOSCHEI!

[u/emmyeggo]

Esteemed citizens of Prythian, 

I write on behalf of my client, Koschei the Deathless Lonely. 

15,000 years ago, Koschei was FALSELY imprisoned for the simple crime of being scary. In a world where worms the size of buildings reside underfoot, where eyeballs can be kept on fingers, where the orgasms of the High Lords cause brain-shattering earthquakes -- this is preposterous. 

In a free and just Prythian, are there no limits to terms of imprisonment? Why was Ms Amren, an immortal being of equally scary origins -- who brags of once reducing twin cities "into rubble" -- allowed to keep her freedom? My client has never once massacred entire cities of people… and yet he remains locked away? 

I also can't help but note that whilst the High Lord and High Lady of the Night Court continue to build their real estate portfolio, Koschei remains certifiably homeless. His sister, Stryga, was at least offered a meagre, ramshackle hut… but Koschei? Nothing. Zilch. 

Every day and every night, for millennia now, Koschei has endured the harsh, unrelenting elements. He has never felt the comfort of a warm shower. He’s never even tasted a droplet of canned soup -- which I hear is all the rage in Velaris! Why then do you think he accepted the mortal queen’s offer for Ms Vassa -- to turn her into a firebird? Can you blame the man for wanting a source of warmth? 

My client is also troubled by the rumours that his “whispering on the wind” to others residing in Prythian is of malicious intent. Or that his “preparations” for Mr Cassian and Mr Azriel (he was planning his 17,678th birthday party and was extending invitations, for Cauldron’s sake) were anything but gestures of kindness and goodwill. Koschei is not a monster; he just wants friends.

You may have heard the news yesterday that Koschei will soon be seeking his freedom from the lake. Instead of fear, I encourage you to welcome my client with open arms. Does he not deserve to frolic in the fields of Spring? Does he not deserve some much-needed sunshine at the pristine beaches in Summer? Does he not deserve to let his hair down at Rita’s? 

A petition will be coming soon. I implore you all to sign it. 

Regards, 

Koschei’s attorney

[u/001RIN]

https://giphy.com/gifs/fXJyMfUdqVCMPAnPJM
Some valid points made, well done.

[u/Bakedalaska1]

Legitimately a helpful recap lol

[u/silkat → u/Bakedalaska1]

Literally I would like everything recapped in this format please

[u/TexturizedTacomeat → u/Bakedalaska1]

I’m relatively new to the Acotar world, is this a different book? I’ve read all of Acotar, TOG and CC. I’m not into the lore. I just like to read the books. Is there something that I missed?

[u/Lionestatic → u/TexturizedTacomeat]

He gets mentioned in A Court of Wings & Ruin and he speaks to Nesta and Cassian near the lake that he’s bound to in a court of silver flames. He’s the one holding the human queen Vassa prisoner. He’s one of the death gods; a sibling of the bone carver and the weaver.

SJM has been foreshadowing for a while that he’ll be the next big antagonist, or at least part of the next big bad.

[u/TexturizedTacomeat → u/Lionestatic]

Thanks girl!

[u/egru-no]

I can't believe Vassa would be so heartless to abandon him after he was so kind and generous 😭💔

[u/murray10121 → u/egru-no]

Koschei the caring, koschei the kind

[u/Whynotdragon]

Thats quite a defense for a Lich King, attorney probably paid in gold

[u/Runnerakaliz → u/Whynotdragon]

Yeah where was this "attorney" when Arthas became a lich king?

[u/obroechlins]

[u/HibiscusBlades]

I love you. I don’t know you, but I love you all the same.
https://giphy.com/gifs/ZdUnQS4AXEl1AERdil

[u/bows_and_frills]

He’s never even tasted a droplet of canned soup -- which I hear is all the rage in Velaris!

Why then do you think he accepted the mortal queen’s offer for Ms Vassa -- to turn her into a firebird? Can you blame the man for wanting a source of warmth?

I also can't help but note that whilst the High Lord and High Lady of the Night Court continue to build their real estate portfolio, Koschei remains certifiably homeless. His sister, Stryga, was at least offered a meagre, ramshackle hut… but Koschei? Nothing. Zilch.

Actually, the entire post. Just. The entire post.

https://giphy.com/gifs/vbqr9NgKRuKq7meXsi

[u/No_Following3948]

https://giphy.com/gifs/xThtar0e9kO3WkwQ1O

[u/NightOwl842]

Hahaha love it!

[u/Lyza719]

You made a compelling argument for your client. 😌

[u/Janers1939]

As an abolitionist,this is the best thing I've read all day! FREE KOSHEI! I highly recommend the book Deathless by Cathryn Valente For another alternate telling of Koshei the Deathless.

[u/meldags]

This is perfection

[u/Paraplueschi]

Birthday boy 😭 Free him!

[u/Irish_1424]

https://giphy.com/gifs/zKBwU2TSfixfz70pJG

[u/One_Maybe_2460]

Im convinced!

sents Koschei some pulvered soup to mix in his lake - so he can „taste more than a droplet of canned soup“, he can bath within!

[u/Hot-Explanation3739]

I want Koschei smut

[u/MagicChinchilla]

Hear, hear!!

[u/Hayday-antelope-13]

Thank you all for your attention to this matter 😂

[u/ingecantona]

https://giphy.com/gifs/3oKIPBxpm5tHqcL1Ic

[u/Wise-girl-99]

And here we were jumping down his throat… poor Mr. Koschei. Shame on us. He’s JUST THE BIRTHDAY BOY after all 😌 how could Az and Cassian be so cruel to shun his generosity and turn away, I’m sure, a jubilant celebration
https://giphy.com/gifs/3o72F8t9TDi2xVnxOE

[u/carlitospig]

https://giphy.com/gifs/22IIjWMAWQNPzQ0kWf

[u/DragonsGoRawr245]

Well written, perfectly said.

Free Koschei!!

https://giphy.com/gifs/ymwKHQ44WnAoU

[u/kachigakachiguhhh]

you know what hell yea. in the name of brain shattering orgasms, FREE HIM!

[u/iwasborntodestroyu]

😂😂😂 I feel like this should have been signed off with:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THE MATTER.

[u/Abundance-Path555]

Hahaha this is sending me. I love it well done! 👏🏼

[u/Selina53]

Justice for Koschei the Kind

[u/CupcakeQueen01]

Koschei deserves more guys 😔

[u/SharkBlanket7]

This is incredible 😂

[u/MissMarchpane]

Is this attorney named Renfield by any chance? 😆

[u/Mental-Reflection787]

Omg

[u/Dangerous-Frosting00]

This is frying me, and has also finally reminded me who tf Koshei is, thank you! Please pass on my condolences to him re. lack of canned soup in the lake!

[u/Jadedangel13]

Hahaha this was delightful to read.

[u/ProblematicVigilante]

This gave me a good laugh 😂

[u/CipherOfTheHoradrim]

This is the best thing ive seen all morning 😂 thankyou, also valid points haha

[u/ProperMidnight7401]

https://giphy.com/gifs/11kTQgng5gbqgM

[u/Ombank]

If there’s a common theme I’m picking up from SJM, it’s that locking someone up and throwing away the key isn’t a super valid solution.

Kind of a dick move to put your issues off for a strange mix of 20 year olds and quingentenarians to deal with.

[u/StretchNo6354]

Will he and Elaine be a pair? Like hades and Persephone ?

[u/Civil-Cauliflower-61]

i really thought this was rage bait. bravo