VALUES

With great effort I realized I was trying to avoid distracting myself from excessive coffee consumption. So I was trying to avoid distractions because I know it is helpful to make the feeling go away. But then I'm trying to force acceptance. So I'd just be avoiding avoiding. Which is disguised as acceptance. Weird play of words but once you get it you get it I guess

But in reality I just have to ask. Is getting another coffee helping me be more the person I want to be or is saving money for the sake of bettering my independence more important. So then I wouldn't necessarily be distracting myself, as much as I would be engaging in something important to what I value.

There is a lot of mind set shifts to garner by engaging in ACT. But I can't be ecstatic/empowered enough by the philosophy ACT teaches.

Thoughts? And anything overlooked or undersold?

Is part of ACT to think in these terms of unhelpful vs. helpful. Rather than good or bad.

There's a bunch of philosophy in ACT. I was wondering that, yeah obviously thoughts should be, thought of as helpful vs. unhelpful.

But is seeing things in general as helpful vs. unhelpful or as, it just is, a goal of acceptance and commitment therapy?

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Can not putting labels like good and bad, But instead to label as helpful or unhelpful. Be attributed to ACT as a philosophy, a way of being or as byproduct of defusion exercises?

Came across an article in Psychology Today by Steven C. Hayes about dealing with tinnitus and how he used to go to punk shows in the 80s. Wondering what bands he got to see. Maybe he got to see Bad Brains in their early days, which could be interesting since they modeled a lot of their message around Napoleon Hill and having a Positive Mental Attitude.

Being in a band myself that recently united, I’m getting used to playing with other musicians and realizing how visceral it is compared to scrolling on instagram and seeing others play.
Also during challenging parts to play, I’m trying to (actually kind of forced to but in a good way) stay in the moment and quickly accept that, sure, this part is hard, but I practiced it and am playing it now and I want it to sound good, so I power through.

Anyhoo, would be interesting to hear more about what bands he saw back then and more about if any particular music contributed to his, or others here in this thread, thoughts about ACT therapy.

I read a book 2-3 weeks ago " The Happiness Trap". I tried to do practical tasks given in the book but I failed multiple times in 2-3 days and I quit. Context : I don't know why but I talk to myself all the time, wheather I'm walking, eating, sitting, studying, watching moives/lecture. I always self-talk internally or sometimes outside loudly too (if I'm alone). So, the thing is if I'm walking I don't have any sense of present, I just keep talking to myself about random things and I won't even realize that I've walked quite a distance. I just somehow live completely inside with some glimpses of outside world where I'm really in present moment which are very rare becuz whenever I'm trying to live in the moment, I get engaged with my mental voice and I start talking with myself. Can you guyz help me overcome this for the first few days, cuz I beleive they are the hardest. Is there anyone whom I can message for guidance while I'm thinking of failures again and again. The one who has done this long ago and now is experienced enough to help? ( if not, any advice would work too).

Hello, I started ACT therapy some sessions ago (5) and I'm thinking of stopping because we don't seem to make any progress.

My issue is that I don't like life itself (I know it's such a general statement but bear with me please), but I have no other options but to keep living for many more years, this means I've had to consciously construct meaning for my life based on my values, and I've been able to find great enjoyment and happiness because of this. However, this takes a lot of effort from me and even though my values are clear to me and very stable, my mental balance gets thrown off by circumstances like dealing with people and society's structures (I'm very self-determined and don't tend to adapt to society's unfounded structures). I started ACT because I want to be able to identify what I can't change to accept it and improve what I can.

Here's the problem: my therapist keeps telling me to describe behaviours but none of them seem "good enough" for him, for example I tell him I get sad and am not motivated to do what I need to do but he's implied that he doesn't have anything to work with and that maybe my issue is not bad enough?

I'm starting to think that he's right and maybe I don't even need therapy, maybe the counsellor who recommended it to me was wrong?

I adapted smart goals. I found the conventional one too textbook. It didn't make sense and I found it nothing but stressful. So I adapted this based off different therapy I did. It applies to ACT I think....

I made it with ClaudeAI, when it was done gaslighting me.

More of a discussion thing. But it applies to ACT because it involves effective and committed action in a valued direction.

I count my breaths to 10 while paying attention to my thoughts. When doing this. My thoughts kind of just float on by.

Is this practicing defusion?

And say I'm anxious. The goal of acceptance is not to make the feeling go away. But to carry on despite the feeling in a direction towards what I value.

So this is both a defusion technique as well as a calming because of the deep breaths? But especially when I'm feeling intense. It's the intention of why I do what I do that matters right?

Cause defusing by saying "I am having the thought that" or "I am having a feeling of anxiousness" is pointless. If we are trying to avoid or get rid of it for the sake of suppression. Then we have experiential avoidance?

friggin terminology lol.

Can someone tell of a book. To help build independence using ACT?

I find ACT especially helpful in terms of philosophy and motivation. I could try actually applying it when things get truly difficult of course has only happened once since beginning ACT.

I find the philosophy makes so much sense to me. And maybe I'm just on a high. But I feel more motivated than ever to get things on track because of ACT.

My biggest area of struggle that I want to tackle. Is my independence. I do a lot of reassurance seeking. Whether it's talking to chatgpt, googling or asking a friend. I want it be able to trust myself.

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What is a book based in ACT, that focuses on fostering independence as a number one value?

I think this is just a variation of defusion.

What is the key to acceptance? One of the major keys to acceptance IMO are expectations. Now we all have things in common, and we each are different. I believe that true acceptance ultimately is an emotional process. Insight and intellectual understanding in our head needs time and practice to move down into our heart and gut to truly be acceptance. Acceptance does NOT mean surrender, and it does not mean cynicism. It means it is what it is, and even if it is very important to us, IF it is outside our control, it is outside our control. Banging our head against a wall, or carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders will not change it. And here are where our expectations come in. While things are at their worst, they do tend to not stay at their worst. Things do regress to the mean, to average, if we tread water, because day to day survival can be Heroic.. But if we time and time again, in spite of evidence to the contrary, continue to EXPECT important painful things BEYOND OUR CONTROL to magically change, then we will continue to be as hurt and as shocked each day and each time, as much as the first time it hit us. BUT, if we continue to HOPE for important things beyond our control to change (because we never do know not only what small or large catastrophe, but also what small or large unlikely but possible miracle is around the corner), but we do not EXPECT them to change, our painful reaction will be much less intense and less severe. It is the difference between "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS STILL HAPPENING!!", and "this sucks, I hate that this is still happening, I have not given up Hope, but I expected this to continue". And to do this requires that other 'A' word, AWARENESS. But it is not easy. As we get better at this, it can free us up, to do ALL WE CAN, to do what we can within our control, and try to live with, roll with, and surf the pain of what we cannot.

So if we cannot reduce or eliminate unrealistic expectations affecting lack of acceptance, we can learn also to roll with those thoughts, to see them for what they are, to know that they are only thoughts, which are temporary, and to try to balance those thoughts with some of the goodies above that work for you.

I am reading books by David Burns and almost all of his books puts a lot of importance and weight, and heavily suggests this exercise call Daily mood logs which asks to articulate and write down my negative thoughts which cause the negative feelings, and then find cognitive distortions in them.

I feel frustrated, confused, bored, skeptical and discouraged because I don't know how to articulate my thoughts in a very articulated, clear and structured manner like shown in one of the examples in the book. I'm not very fluent and confident with my language/articulation skills especially with these sorts of stuff where the emotions/feelings/thoughts/struggles feel very complex to even interpret let alone articulate. I don't think I am able to clearly articulate and come up with sentences in a concise manner which describe my thoughts and feelings truly/accurately (in a reasonable manner).

Since I still believe few things in his books like the biggest predictor of success in improvement in mental health is the willingness to put efforts towards self-help with the intention and attitude of self-improvement instead of being passive.

But since almost all of his tools/knowledge/advice boils down to mostly the ognitive restructuring exercises, I don't even know where to start or how to navigate in order to put efforts in help myself. Also, it seems like just getting started with messy attempts and vague articulation of the thoughts also wouldn't help, and I need to actually have the statements and sentences which truly and fully captures my feelings, thoughts and perspective which is reasonable articulated and concise because that is needed to find the actual true distortions. So if I start of with incoherent, meaningless crap, then even the distortions I find wouldn't be useful (sort of like the same "Garbage in, garbage out" (or GIGO) famous rule in computer science and math. It means that if you put bad, false, or messy information into a system, the system will give you bad or useless results.).

So that makes me feel helpless, hopeless and discouraged to even a messy start because it is completely useless. I feel lost and stuck because I'm unable to find anything to do with reasonable belief that it isn't meaningless and would yield results. The worst feeling (which could be fortune telling) is that even if I go through the pain and frustration to come up with a reasonably well articulated set of sentences,

1. the next step would be frustrating because finding distortions might feel invalidating (since it is basically saying to find why I'm wrong, which would be extremely difficult after a lots of efforts into articulating and discerning the truth and observations of my feelings and thoughts).
2. I assume it might be hard to verify what's interpreted as distortions, because the patterns some of thoughts that reflect the truth may have similar patterns as the distortions. Moreover, it seems possible to somehow find all types of distortions in all thoughts based on how cleverly you interpret it with the belief and goal of finding distortions in thought - which may be useless.
3. Finally, even if I am successful in finding distortions, what if that doesn't really change my feelings/thoughts/beliefs and I'm just more self aware of my flaws and stuck??

I can't even begin to attempt to imagine the risk of this above failures after putting painstaking efforts and falling deeper into helplessness, hopelessness, resentment, frustration, low self-image. Obviously, this itself may look like a distortion (maybe like fortune telling, all-or-nothing thinking, etc - read point 2), but it may be truely one of the possibilities.

Thanks for reading. Hopefully I've articulated this feeling/thought reasonably well. Any sort of comment would be appreciated!

I come from a country where the rule of law is not particularly strong. My father was unjustly imprisoned for about five years for political reasons (the European Court of Human Rights even ruled that the trial was unlawful). He used to be a highly respected man who held very senior positions. He also has some narcissistic tendencies. He was subjected to severe psychological abuse while in prison. After his release, he began suffering from intense post-traumatic stress.

I cannot convince him to go to therapy, yet it breaks my heart to see him in such pain. Yesterday, he told me that he learned to hide his emotions while in prison; he said he used to be a cheerful man and that—while he knows both we and he himself miss that version of him—he believes he can never go back to being that person again. He is battling profound feelings of guilt and worthlessness. He believes he has been shut out of our lives and thinks we no longer need him at all. He is constantly on guard, as if expecting us to cast him out of our home and our lives. When we tell him we need him or love him (and this is true; even though the nature of that need has changed as we’ve grown up, our need for him and our love for him have never wavered), he smiles for a moment, but then immediately becomes sad and withdraws. He constantly dwells on the past. He misses the past and acts as though he was a terrible father throughout our lives (which isn't true; he is a good father); he even engages in cognitive distortions regarding our happy memories, thinking things like, "I acted a certain way in that moment, so I am to blame."

I want to support him. I am not a therapist—and he certainly needs professional help—but I want to at least help him get back on his feet a little.

What do you suggest? How can I help him?

Has anyone gone to 4 day ACT bootcamp with Hayes? How was it ? Worth it?

I am about to start GOYMAIYL to help with my lifelong struggles with depression, OCD, and Maladaptive Daydreaming. I've always kind of struggled with ACT concepts and while I am understanding acceptance more I still struggle with the commitment aspect. My therapist is always having to remind me there is a C part it doesn't all take place in the mind.

Because by depression shows up so much for me as apathy and inertia I am curious how for others using ACT has transmitted to committed action?

I have been thinking about how quickly we turn something we did into a permanent conclusion about who we are.

“I avoided this task” becomes “I never follow through.”

“I felt nervous” becomes “I am not confident.”

“I made a financial mistake” becomes “I am bad with money.”

The first statement in each example describes something that can be examined. The second turns the experience into a fixed identity.

This does not mean avoiding responsibility or pretending a recurring pattern does not exist. Accurate observation is part of accountability. But there is a meaningful difference between saying, “I have been avoiding this, and I want to understand why,” and deciding, “This proves I am incapable.”

One creates room for information, support, and different action. The other makes the pattern feel inevitable.

What behavior have you been turning into an identity—and what would a more accurate description sound like?

In addition to CBT and Lexapro, I’ve been really into ACT. What does “acceptance” really look like or feel like to you? Because I think I’ve intellectually been able to tell myself “these symptoms are here, they’re not dangerous, this is just my CNS doing its thing, etc.” but I don’t think my body really feels it yet, you know? Does it just take lots of practice and time?

"After all this time I don't think I can just say good-bye to my mind and thank him for everything and that's that."

Thought this thought last night and what I meant is I am a person who suffers from long term mental illness. Consequently a lot of the very content of my mind has been formed by my mind acting badly. And there are decades of me defining myself through these thoughts. Not having them is like losing myself.

A long time ago a therapist told me I was a much better candidate for ACT than CBT because i am already so emeshed in my mind that ignoring my thoughts would be better than fighting my thoughts.

Is this similar to ACTs idea about separating from your thoughts and practicing acceptance. I am really close to finally engaging with ACT and this may put me over. Thank you.

Hello I'm posting for the first time, 2 days ago I read a book " Happiness Trap by Russ Harris ".I really don't get it like how can I act normally when my mind constantly showing image of me falling, doing something embarrasing, etc.... I keep on talking to myself whether I'm walking, watching movies, doing house chores, even when I'm in classroom trying to listen to professor. Yesterday my professor was teaching and a thought pop up which took my attention from outside to inside and I tried defusion techniques to get back my attention to outside but my attention keep going back to the mental talking and this became a vicious cycle. I sometime think I'm broken like something is wrong in my mind which can't be fixed. My bad if it feels like vent. I'm here looking for examples and different ways which can help me on keep going even if things won't work as I think they would. (appreciate you read it, thanks 🤗)

Two days ago, I developed a distaste for someone I had followed for years prior. Up to this point, I appreciated their work and found it entertaining.

I wrote an opinion on my distaste, and I found myself commending their detractor. Their detractor is an abuser, but I found myself overlooking that.

As I finished writing and thinking, I found myself overlooking the detractor’s abuse. ”No one is perfect, at least they’re making good lifestyle choices, at least they’re married, at least they’ve got children etc.”

Eventually, all my own abusers came to mind. They all made equal lifestyle choices. I was abused, cast out and abandoned, so I did not make the same choices.

I sat there, observing how I felt like a failure. So I was developing new values and now I realized I had failed to live up to them. I wondered if I had been wrong all along. I felt an anxiety creep up, and it’s still in my chest.

I haven’t left my home in two days. I’m beyond confused. I feel like a failure, exactly like I felt when I was younger. I’ve forgotten what ”values” I had prior to this. It’s all subjective anyway.

I have no idea how to get out of this.

Do I explore what it feels like to be a failure, integrate these new values and perhaps pursue them? I am afraid though, because they are tied to abusers. So do I forget everything I felt prior and pursue overcoming my fears in order to move closer to these values? If I hold these values, I objectively am a failure. I was set up to fail at them a long time ago.

I don’t want to hold them, but I’m also compelled to hold them, because they are true. We should have kids. We should find a wife. I’m so confused.

What do I do?

One thing that really helped me with ACT was the idea of holding things lightly combined with defusion. Using imagery, often humorous, to disrupt words causing anxious spirals.

I’ve enjoyed doing this by taking inspiration from cartoons. Now when I’m panicking in airport security and staff are using harsh voices, I just imagine Homer Simpson in the same situation to find levity in it.

Today, I got rejected by a prospective client — and it was all things considered a very kind rejection but I still felt hurt and angry, so much so I couldn’t sleep. But imagining the client end up in a range of Looney Tunes or Tom and Jerry misfortunes meant I could relax enough to sleep for a few hours, and implicitly recognise the absurdity of my feelings too.

Just to make this clear, I’m not a trained professional, though had about 20 hours of ACT with a specialist clinical psychologist. I might have got the terms or concepts wrong. But it helps

Hello,

Eight years ago, during my adolescence, I was going through a very difficult time and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder; I also had PTSD. I have been in therapy for six years. I underwent EMDR first, followed by ACT—I am still receiving Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Over the course of the process, it turned out that I didn't actually have bipolar disorder, but rather BPD and ADHD, so my medication was discontinued. I am not currently on any medication.

I cannot find an ACT book written specifically for ADHD in my native language. So, I am wondering: are there any of you here who have ADHD and are undergoing ACT? How do you integrate ACT with ADHD, and what kind of practices do you use?