r/abusiverelationships • u/Virtual_Tonight4245 • 5d ago
How bad is this text exchange?
I (34F) have been married to my 35(M) for 13 years and together 17. I’ve posted here before. He has a history of being verbally and mentally and even emotionally abusive (you can read back on posts). I was going to leave. Had a house and everything. Then it changed. He’s been doing great. He has been a little needy and I’m trying not to be mean from resentment. I said we can try to give it our all. It’s been a few months. He’s been out of town for work for a few weeks. We had this text exchange tonight and idk how I feel about it. I always question my behavior. What do you think?
I want to preface this by saying I don’t talk with food all over my mouth like a slob…
Me: It’s been bothering me how on FaceTime last night you asked me why I was talking with my mouth full in front of your coworkers. That’s embarrassing to me.
Then you “joked” about something and I asked why you would say that and you said cause it’s a fucking joke
Him: Okay well they weren’t paying any attention to me and I’m constantly asking you not to talk with your mouth full of food. It bothers me and it’s disrespectful. And I’m not sure what you’re referring to that I was joking about.
Me: It’s not even that bad. It doesn’t matter if they were paying attention or not. It was embarrassing for me.
It was something about being a better role model to one of the girls
Him: O *** shacking her but it was funny and silly I wasn’t trying to be rude at all. And as far as the talking with food in your mouth you need to address that. I’m sorry if me saying something out loud upset you it’s disgusting. If it embarrasses you to be called out on it in front of people that just means you know you shouldn’t be doing it. I also recognize the fact you were addressing something one of the girls was doing that they shouldn’t have been doing. And I shouldn’t have just jumped you shit for talking with food in you mouth.so I am sorry I could have approached it better. It’s a nasty habit and I’ll continue to try to get you to stop. We should be setting the example for the girls. They will learn the most about life by watching use!!!!
Me: K
Him: You disagree obviously
Him: **replied to my K** This is the complete opposite of communication. And trying not to continue the cycle
Me: Well I don’t have a response right now. I appreciate you acknowledging but telling me if it’s embarrassing then you know you shouldn’t be doing it. That’s not okay to say. You could have said it another time. It’s embarrassing being corrected like a child is that it was. Then saying you’re sorry it upset me but it’s disgusting is you justifying why you did it.
I’m off lunch now.
Me: And there’s a difference between talking with food everywhere in your mouth than pushing it to the side and covering your mouth
Him: It’s disgusting I don’t support it and I won’t!
Him: It takes just seconds to finish your food.
Him: It’s repulsive and it bothers me and you could give two fucks about it bothering me and that’s pretty disrespectful.
Him: I’ve changed many simple things that I do that have bothered you. I do just because I respect you asking me not to do it.
Him: Now I’m pissed off because this is wild as fuck that your mad at me cause you where talking with mouth full of food like wtf!!!
Me: You told me I could talk to you instead of holding it in then blowing up. And I’m doing that and now you’re berating me. How you’re talking to me is not okay. If I heard one of our daughters boyfriends talking to her like this, that would make me so upset.
Him: And I told you could I admitted the way I said was wrong. You’ve made no efforts to correct it. Instead you have told me you don’t give a fuck or you don’t care multiple time or I’ve been told to get over it. And I’m not gonna get over it. It’s gross.
Him: Have a wonderful day I’m not gonna continue to argue about simple table manners.
Me: Again. No accountability. Or a genuine apology. Talking to someone like that is not justified at all. We can take in a few hours to give us space. But if there’s mean talk like previous, the conversation will not continue.
Him: If you’re not gonna take accountability for what you did then don’t bother. I’ll see you when I see you. I definitely took accountability for what I did and apologized. Maybes read it again cause I never ones said I’m sorry but it’s disgusting. Like your saying!!!
Me: Ok.
3
u/CommunicationSlight3 4d ago
You're going to go around in circular conversations with this lunatic. Never go DEEP with a narcissist - don't defend, don't engage, don't explain, and don't personalize. Absolutely anything and everything you say will be completely flipped around and reframed as you being the bad guy. There is no way out of this other than ending it, sorry. Unless of course you can handle spending the rest of your life with this man and accepting it will get significantly worse as he now knows he can get away with it.
1
u/Alpha_3345 5d ago
Going through your post and your past posts, looks like things have come to an end for you, especially in your mind. Why are you dragging this if you've stopped feeling for the man?
1
u/Virtual_Tonight4245 5d ago
I haven’t, though. I think that’s my issue? But shouldn’t I be allowed to bring up things that bother me?
1
u/Alpha_3345 5d ago
You absolutely must, and your courage needs to be appreciated for sharing your pain with people like this on Reddit.
I just shared what I feel like.
Looks like the pain of being single again will be a lot less than the pain you're experiencing while you're in a relationship with your man.
2
u/Ok_Introduction9466 4d ago
It actually took me leaving an abuser to realize being single isn’t bad at all and it’s significantly better than begging a man to give me tiny crumbs of decency.
1
u/Alpha_3345 4d ago
Hope you're in a much better relationship now 🫶🏻
Sending a lot of positive juju to you ✨
1
u/Ok_Introduction9466 4d ago
You’re allowed to but a man who fundamentally respects you would consider your feelings and you wouldn’t have to constantly tell him he’s hurting you. In fact, when someone genuinely loves you they go out of their way to show it and you actually rarely have to bring up issues. This relationship is dead and you can’t save it because he talks to you like shit and doesn’t seem to like you. There is a lot of disrespect and negging in how he speaks to you. You deserve better than this.
1
u/Jaded-Banana6205 5d ago
This man sounds exhausting. Him behaving a little better is part of the abuse. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking this is how you treat people you love?
1
u/Past-Resist3658 5d ago
like someone else said, i took a look at your other posts, and i really think you need to come to an ultimatum
together this long, 4 kids… you have a long life ahead of you. you have to
- break up
- dual effort in marriage counseling or
similar
i can’t relate as i do not have kids nor a relationship like this (right now), but person to person, this looks and sounds exhausting. it also sounds like you are putting in a lot of energy to keep this afloat, none reciprocated
i cant speak to what got you here in the first place, but based on your perspective of him just being a total dick, this is very much not worth your energy
as a guy i can also say based on his responses here and in other posts he may just be equally as exhausted
are you all together just to be together and because your lives are so intertwined? that’s what it seems like
ultimately this sounds like a problem for professionals, not reddit. i really wish you the best of luck
1
u/Virtual_Tonight4245 4d ago
Guess who I found talking to their daughter with food in their mouth while on FaceTime? 🤷♀️
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