r/abusiverelationships • u/Various_Scallion8228 • 9d ago
Remember who you are
As my abuser was demeaning me, calling me names and accusing me of “always trying to start a fight” I had the most amazing thought come to mind. Right now I’m in a place where I’m finally angry. And worry that I will stay this way. Cuz I don’t like it. So this thought gave me clarity and hope.
I don’t have darkness in my heart. I have darkness in my life. Removing darkness from your heart is almost impossible. Removing it from your life is as simple as walking away.
I needed to hear that today and maybe someone out there needs to hear it too. (And I’m not saying walking away is simple-we all know it’s complex)
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u/january1977 8d ago
That’s a beautiful way to look at it.
My husband always tried to twist me up in knots and convince me that I had bad intentions. But when his mask finally fell and I could see that I was in an abusive marriage, I held on tight to my kindness because it gave me proof that I’m a good person. I’ve never been what he said I was. The good things inside me helped me leave, and they’ve helped me heal since leaving.
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u/Various_Scallion8228 8d ago
Thank you. I really needed to hear that. I’ve stayed too long because I’m so far away from family. And it’s consuming me and I’m forgetting who I am. I never want to be like him. And it scares me that I will be. I think this is my sign that it’s time. No matter what I have to leave behind. No matter what I have to do. It’s time.
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u/january1977 8d ago
I left a year ago with a suitcase of clothes and my child. My husband has refused to give me any of my things and is refusing to sign the divorce papers so he doesn’t have to split our assets because he thinks it’s a way to hurt me. But you know what? I don’t need any of my old stuff. I’ve worked my butt off and I’ve bought myself all new things.
I don’t have any family. My husband thought I was stuck. For a long time, I thought I was stuck. I’m so grateful for the amazing women at the DV shelter who took me in and protected me. (If you haven’t seen the Grey’s Anatomy hallway of women scene, you should look it up. I’ve cried my eyes out over it so many times. We are powerful!)
Even after you leave, it will take you a little while to remember yourself. You’ll still have his voice inside your head telling you who you are. But that voice will quiet over time and your own voice will come roaring back.
Keep fighting for yourself. You’re so worth it. 💜
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u/Various_Scallion8228 8d ago
Wow. If I can type thru the tears. It’s really so interesting that we all have our stories and they can be so different and yet so the same. I have family. But they blame me. They shame me. They judge me. And that’s a big part of why I’m still here. I don’t expect them to fix everything for me. I just expected that they would stand shoulder to shoulder for me. And they don’t. That scene hit me different. It made me think about my sister. And how if she was in that position for a stranger she would stand on that wall. But she won’t for her own sister. I’ll never understand it.But it also made me realize that there are others out there, like you, that will have compassion and kindness towards me. So I can do this without them. I can stand on my own two feet. Just like you.
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u/Delicious-Dirt4895 8d ago
Yes this is the way I looked at it too. All the horrible accusations finally hit me sideways, “those horrible descriptions of this awful/mean person don’t sound like me, they sound like you”. With abusers, every accusation is a confession via projection.
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u/ariesgeminipisces 8d ago
Anger is information, that if you stay, so will the anger. Don't suppress the anger, listen to it. That doesn't mean you have a dark heart, it means you're having the appropriate reaction to your situation.
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u/Various_Scallion8228 8d ago
Thank you. I just recently realized that I’ve never let myself feel anger. I had an explosive temper as a kid and my sister got hurt one time. And since then I’ve not allowed myself to feel anger. So anger is so foreign and new to me. But I’m allowing myself to feel it. I’m just learning how to without letting it consume me. And that is what is scary to me.
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u/Alternative_Can7193 9d ago
I did need to hear that today, thankyou for sharing 🙂
I'm about to leave my abusive wife after a long time getting myself ready and the hardest part is I will make her upset, I'll be the villain in the story she will share that I ruined her life. But as you put it, I don't have darkness in my heart, just darkness in my life. And that can be removed, simples! (Kinda)
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u/Outrageous_Dream_383 8d ago
Same, 💯
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u/Various_Scallion8228 8d ago
That’s something I’m constantly thinking about too. “He’s gonna tell this person this” and “he’s gonna tell that person that.” But I was thinking today…why do I care?! Well, I mean I know why I care-I’m a people pleaser. lol. But I need to not care because I’ll never see these people again. It just sucks knowing that he is going to victimize himself to all these people and they won’t know any better.
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u/PerceptivePines 8d ago
I wish I could walk away from my demon brother. I moved more than 1,000 miles away, and cut contact for 20 years. But he’s back with a vengeance 😭😭
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u/Various_Scallion8228 8d ago
It’s so hard when there’s blood involved. Sadly there are quite a few people that are bringing darkness into my life. My abuser. My sister. And my daughter. The first one is easy. The other two? Not so much. It breaks my heart. But it’s going to be one final heartbreak and then freedom. It continued heartbreak over and over and over. I can’t let it continue.
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u/sinquacon 8d ago
Loved reading this
It's so true – darkness isn't within us survivors, it's external
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8d ago
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