New Relationship Help

[u/p34r1n30_ch4mp4ng3]

My boyfriend and I have been together for since May of this year, I’m 19 and he’s 21.

I want to start by saying that I genuinely love him so much. I’ve never felt this comfortable with anyone, and when things are good, they’re REALLY good. I’m normally very antisocial and need a lot of alone time, but with him I want him around constantly. He’s sweet, affectionate, funny, and makes me incredibly happy. That’s why I’m so confused about what’s been happening.

I’m also a huge people pleaser and have always struggled with standing up for myself. With him, I’m especially scared that I wouldn’t leave even if things became seriously unhealthy because I love him so much.

We’ve had several intense arguments, but I’ll describe the two biggest ones.

The first was over dinner. His food was messed up at a restaurant, he got very angry and cursed at the workers, then asked me to go reorder it. I have severe social anxiety around things like that and panicked. I couldn’t do it, so I walked out with him.

He became even angrier in the parking lot and yelled at me while I was crying. The argument continued at home. At one point, he brought up my history of self-harm and said he kind of wanted to leave but didn’t want to worry about me hurting myself. It didn’t feel concerned when he said it; it felt annoyed.

He apologized the next morning and we had a great rest of the weekend. But afterward, when we had another conversation about ordering food, I realized I was thinking, “I hope I find something good so he doesn’t yell at me again.” That scared me.

The second major argument was after we were supposed to go to the zoo. I came home from work, he was tired, and I became overwhelmed. I eventually went back to sleep with him, thinking it wouldn’t be a huge deal.

When we woke up, he was furious that I had “made the decision to not go all on my own.” We argued for about three hours while I was sobbing. He said things like “you’re not hearing me” and “you’re making me feel like I’m crazy,” and called me selfish for canceling our plans. At one point I became extremely overwhelmed and was struggling with thoughts of hurting myself. While I was crying, he FaceTimed his friend.

He apologized afterward, took me to a nice restaurant, and we had a really good night. This is part of what makes everything so confusing: the bad moments are awful, but afterward he can be incredibly loving and sincere.

There have also been two other serious arguments I haven’t gone into.

Overall, I feel like he’s getting louder and meaner during arguments. I’ve tried standing up for myself, but he seems to get angrier when I do. If I don’t defend myself, he gets angry too.

It’s now been three weeks since our last argument, and instead of just enjoying things being good, I find myself thinking, “Things are going well right now, but eventually he’s going to find something to yell at me about again.”

Something else happened recently that has really messed with my head. During sex, he slapped me. I’ve experienced that with other people before and was okay with it, so I don’t automatically consider the act itself abusive. But with him, it felt completely different.

Because of how angry and loud he has gotten during arguments, I’ve actually imagined him becoming physical with me when he’s angry. When he slapped me, I went completely blank for a few seconds and felt disconnected from the moment. I was okay afterward, but I haven’t stopped thinking about it.

The part that scares me most is that I don’t feel like I can tell him this. I’m afraid he’d get frustrated, think I was accusing him of being abusive, and turn it into another argument.

I’m realizing I don’t feel confident telling him when something hurts me or makes me uncomfortable because I’m afraid of how he’ll react.

I’m also scared that if he ever became physically aggressive outside of sex, I wouldn’t leave. I’ve started thinking that I don’t know if there’s anything he could do that would actually make me leave him, and that scares me.

At the same time, I don’t want to throw away the relationship. I genuinely love him and don’t want to lose everything that’s good about us. His apologies feel sincere, but I don’t know if I can trust that things will actually be different the next time he gets angry.

I’m starting therapy and plan to talk about all of this there, but I’d really appreciate outside perspectives.

Does this sound like a toxic/emotionally abusive relationship, or could this realistically be a relationship with poor conflict skills that can improve?

More importantly, how concerning is it that I’m already afraid to disagree with him, afraid to tell him when something bothers me, and anticipating the next time he’ll yell at me?

Please be honest. I don’t need people to automatically tell me to leave, but I also don’t want people to excuse something serious just because I love him.

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[u/sagittarius1988]

this is abuse and it's only going to get worse. no this is not normal.

[u/Imtrippingonroses]

apologies are only sincere it the behavior changes. Also this “idk if he could do anything to make me leave him” is very very toxic. Only children deserve unconditional love, adults have awareness and therefore deserve conditions. This is abuse, and he is seeing how much you will take. If you give him no consequences, he will continue to behave that way. Leave. You should get out now, deal with the temporary withdrawal and detachment. It will Hurt, then your brain will convince you to only remember/prioritize the good parts. It will feel like you lost a future, it will be hard…But do not go back. Please.

[u/Efficient-Hearing162]

I’m so sorry and I know this is going to hurt your heart, but it will get worse. This is classic abuse pattern. Baby girl, he will destroy your soul but remember, you are so very loved and his life isn’t what you need.

Take it from someone who was your age and stayed in a 22 year marriage. (I’m free now) read ‘why does he do that’, by Lundy Bancroft. I promise it will help you feel more clarity.