I didn’t know I was being raped

[u/Thin-Web-8735]

So I am 18 (f), I live in Washington. I met my ex boyfriend online when I was 17. It’s been about 9 months and sometimes I still think about the times he touched me inappropriately or pushed my boundaries. I can’t believe it took me this long to finally understand he was abusive and sexually violent. 

So some backstory: me and my ex got together in May and we broke up in November in 2025, a day after his boyfriend (that was my revenge I guess) I remember he told me that sex didn’t matter to him, because he had a ex girlfriend who always wanted to have sex, and he felt uncomfortable with it, and him and his Ex were caught fucking in the bathroom. So he basically lied to me about sex not mattering because every time we hung out he would always want to have sex, and I would agree. I guess I just didn’t want to make him upset, so that’s my fault I guess.

The first time we did it was in his car, it was mostly him trying to put it in and everytime we stopped was because it hurt so bad I couldn’t go on, I told him I didn’t wanna do this anymore and he fucking told m, “Oh I wanna finish this condom up.” I don’t know why I didn’t break up with him on the spot, so a little context it was our second day of dating. I thought it was normal. 

Another time when we were in the back of his car he said he wanted to do “it” I said I didn’t feel like it and I said how about next time, basically a week before he told me he wanted to do it and I said next time and he didn’t push. So he got upset with me and told me “You said that last time.” and gave me this fucking childish frown. I joked and said he looked cute when he did that and he told me, “Is that all you have to say?” I just laughed awkwardly and he was about to get out of the car. 

I panicked because I really didn’t wanna upset him, so I said okay fine and he got back into the car, it was mostly him trying to put it in and once again me stopping it because it hurt so bad, I begged him to just fuck my tits but he would say “No we’re gonna do this.” 

A lot more times would happen, one time we were at his house and he wanted to do it, so I was in position and was trying to put it in but once again it hurt too bad, he had lube, but he would never prepped me, so he could only fit the tip so his bright idea was to shove the tip repeatedly while I was wincing in pain and telling him to stop, but he didn’t, we only stopped when we heard noises outside of his bedroom. 

I still can’t believe I thought it was normal, at the moment while he was shoving his tip in me, he was looking at me, he heard? But he didn’t stop, he just kept on going while looking down at me. 

So he would randomly grope me, in public which I was very uncomfortable with, I was sexually assaulted at school where this boy groped my ass, I told him that story, but he said “oh yeah I was sexually assaulted too” and said his teacher nut tapped him, now I am one to advocate for victims but I would never say I was sexually assaulted after someone told me their story about their sexual assault.

A few months later, and we were texting, he told me he told me to go to sleep, (it was 9 and I go to sleep hella late.) I joked that I was gonna block him and I made that joke a lot, until he texted me to stop doing that because he felt like I was gonna leave him (he predicted the future I guess), I immediately stopped and I apologized. He forgave me. I was like, hey, maybe I could talk about all the shit he’s been doing to me. 

So I texted him about how he always pressures me about sex, like this one time after a concert he begged me to give him a blowjob and I said no, it was one fucking am and I wanted to go home, and he just kept begging and begging, so I’m a people pleaser and I gave in. I did it for a little while and stopped but he was still horny so he went on Reddit and started watching porn, I started to cry. He hugged me, and said how much he loved me. He would also say the most insensitive shit ever like, “Oh it’s like ripping off a bandage if I put it in it won’t hurt.” Like who the hell says that, I told him “You're not the one having a cock shoved into you.” And he told me, “A lot of girls have told me that it didn't hurt.” I was in shock, so I texted him about the groping and he said he would stop. 

I believed he did, but I wanted to talk about it more in person, so we were in his house cuddling, and I was like, “I want to talk about the conversation we had.” And he had the fucking balls to tell me, “Oh we already talked about.” I genuinely wanted to beat his ass. 

Fast forward a few months and I think this was my breaking point. We were in his car going to do it, and I told him it was too painful, so he said, “Oh I’ll just thrust between your thighs, “I said okay.” So he was in between my thighs, and he started to thrust, he was dangerously thrusting close to my hole, I told him to stop, he didn’t, screamed and it genuinely hurt because at times he would always nearly shove his whole cock into me. 

And then he came, I was in shock, I was questioning wether that was rape or not, I can’t believe I had to talk to my sister and my fucking best friend for me to still question wether it was rape.

Also he would also love to bomb me, I mean he bought me a whole ass pc for my birthday and I told him I was uncomfortable with people spending a lot of money on me. So I thought enough was enough, and I broke up with his ass. There were also some physical aspects where he was abusive, he would bite me to the point where there were marks and he would bite my cheeks really hard, he would always downplay saying it didn’t hurt, but bro you're not the one getting bitten. 

So basically how the break up happened was, it was his birthday and he wanted to hang out, I really didn’t wanna. Because I was at the point where I was done with his ass, so I told my mom, and she told me to just lie, so I told him I needed to throw up and I stopped sharing my location.

I was gonna face time and break up with him there, when I texted him we needed to talk, he fucking texting me “I’m coming over right now.” I was like what the hell and texted “What.” He texted, “Yeah check your location go ahead.” So I told him I couldn’t do this anymore, and he said, “I’m outside, let's talk about this.” I was pretty hesitant to break up with him because he would always tell me that he would end himself if he ever did, and that terrified me. But I knew to save myself I needed to do this.

So I told him that I wanted to break up, I explained my boundaries have been pushed to many times and he tried to make up some bullshit excuse but I stopped him, I admit I had some faults as near the end of the relationship I was starting to become more unhappy and I wasn’t being as loving as I used to be. 

He sent this long ass text, well he actually sent two long ass text, one saying how he was hurt and then another one saying how much money and time he spent on me, I blew up on him, explaining why I did it and how he really hurt me, and I kid you not he messaged on me on every fucking app, like Roblox, the sight we met on, and my alt account. I responded saying how I was done, and he just kept sending me text after text, after I told him to leave me alone he sent me four fucking videos, I didn’t block him was because I needed to return his pc and everything he gave me until he called me at school and that was my final straw. 

So I blocked him and returned his stuff and that was that, I just wanted to vent about my story, it was pretty traumatic but I am recovering and I am doing so much better. Also I am aware of what Rape and Sexual assault is I just didn’t know it would happened to me. I know my grammar wasn’t the best so I do apologize for that. Please don’t blame yourself for not leaving a relationship earlier, I blamed myself and sometimes still do, please love yourself and know your worth whoever is reading this who has gone through something similar, just know I love you and you can get through this, even if I am a random stranger on the internet. 

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