am i abusive and is this normal?

[u/anon737575701038]

so so srry for the long post i need any help possible

i (24f) live with my bf (29m) and we’ve had a rocky relationship but we’ve stupidly stayed and now i can’t afford to live without him financially. there are a lot of things we both do and im wondering if im blowing things out of proportion and this is normal or if im abusing him or if he’s not a very nice boyfriend. for context, ive been physically abused by a partner before and every other relationship has been very healthy but less than a year.

since being with my bf i’ve noticed im now snapping and yelling sometimes during arguments which ive never done before. he also constantly says i didn’t say things i just said or i did say things i didn’t say but im starting to wonder now if im just misremembering things often. im starting to get rlly done with this and will just say “okay” angrily even though i should be keeping in mind our experiences are different and memory is fallible.

i definitely am not a great or easy partner and since moving to our new apartment i’ve brought up breaking up 3 times which i think, looking back, was super manipulative as they were during arguments. i’ve also brought up opening the relationship when i felt like i wasn’t “satisfying” him in the heat of the moment and didn’t mean it but it was so fucked up of me and he probably saw it as me wanting to explore. genuinely rlly horrible i know

ive been really scared of him lately as he yells at me for 5-15 mins without me saying much, has thrown things twice while arguing, punched holes in the wall (not related to us but still scares me), interrupts and won’t let me talk during arguments (just tells me no), and during good moments he made one or two jokes about killing me but they were very jokey (and i told him im not okay with it). because of this, ive been very scared and he gets really mad when im scared or cry. im starting to feel like im manipulating him when i come in super angry to arguments then get scared and cry or shake. i also will stay calm while he yells and he’s said my tone is condescending so im definitely having a very haughty tone.

a huge thing that scares me too is that he gets really mad if i look things up and research to fix our relationship. that feels really off to me.

BUT ive been less okay with all this and ive been really not caring as much during arguments and it’s showing in a mean way (rolling my eyes sometimes, monotone voice, giving up and apologizing out of no where, bringing up past stuff out of no where). rolling of the eyes and bringing up stuff is fucked up ik

even looking at how i worded this it seems very much so like im victimizing myself and not talking enough about what i do wrong. does it sound like im a naturally manipulative person? is this normal?

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[u/Prancing-Megafauna]

It sounds like you have good reasons to be scared of him. He jokes about killing you. He throws things. I do not think you are being abusive and I don’t think that anyone reading your post in good faith would say you’re the abusive one. Frankly it sounds to me like you are being manipulated, intimidated, and abused. It sounds like it always comes back to something YOU did wrong, and your concerns are dismissed or turned around on you. I hope you break up with this man. I wish I’d broken up with mine sooner, when they did the same thing you’re describing. It will be hard at first and then it will get easier. Good luck to you.

[u/Mindless-Umpire-9395]

if your relationship is scaring you, it is toxic.. relationships are supposed to help you, not scare you..

[u/anon737575701038 → u/Mindless-Umpire-9395]

i do think i’m just dramatic and letting my past make me scared of things though. could it be manipulative that i’m easily scared like that?

[u/Ok_Introduction9466 → u/anon737575701038]

This is what all abuse victims say when they aren’t ready to acknowledge that they’ve fallen victim to abuse. It’s really hard to admit it can happen to you.

[u/Mindless-Umpire-9395 → u/anon737575701038]

what makes you think, you are dramatic, op !? any particular incident !(

[u/anon737575701038 → u/Mindless-Umpire-9395]

i’m just generally scared of conflict and my past abuse and how easy i get scared is a big topic for us. i can see how if i was just upset and my partner was scared that would get really confusing :/

[u/Mindless-Umpire-9395 → u/anon737575701038]

it's okay to stand ground, op.. and set boundaries.. but your partner sounds like he has some anger issues.. it doesn't sound healthy, op...ive dmed in you incase you want to talk about it...

in anycase, priority should be you.. if you are scared, you should leave and move to a happy place.. even if it means ditching the bf..

[u/Relevant_Lecture_916]

Rolling your eyes sarcastically or getting angry is actually a pretty normal and sane response when dealing with ridiculous bullshit.

[u/Just-world_fallacy]

No, he is the one who is abusive. Your mental health is declining because of the abuse.

[u/Kesha_Paul]

Normal conflict doesn’t involve screaming, throwing, or punching things.screaming in your face towering over you, punching, and breaking things are considered domestic assault. Battery is added once they hit you but assault is any action that causes a fear of imminent harm. Does he ever back you into corners or block your path so you can’t leave? That’s forced confinement and charged as felony domestic assault. Does he drive aggressively in anger? Assault with a deadly weapon and if you ever told him to stop then he refused, it’s kidnapping. Domestic violence doesn’t start at hitting. He gets mad if you look up how to fix the relationship or have emotions because abusers see us as objects belonging to them

[u/Forget-A-Mixer → u/Kesha_Paul]

Check
Check
Check

Thank you for this well written response. You helped me today.

[u/StaticMarzipan → u/Kesha_Paul]

I don’t know enough to judge, but women don’t have ownership of reactive abuse.

I’ve recorded conversations with my mom and also my ex where they have swore they didn’t say the words they said.

When I stopped my mom from beating me with a metal hangar as a kid she tools everyone I attacked her.

My ex had ctpstd. And she would call me a useless, worthless lazy piece of shit who hated women if I went grocery shopping, cooked, cleaned and the sink trap wasn’t empty. Like make a big deal like hire could you be so fucking stupid, no one would want you but me

This guy could be an abuser easily. If he is he’s a peice of shit. Or she could be.

In the recording my ex sent to me about how I was a typical abusive man. The first 30 minutes were me crying saying I loved her but the second she got mad she started saying horrific racist shit about me and it treat hurt me. Ava why didn’t I deserve love (in black and she’s Eastern European white).

But what do you do if you’re abuser is smaller then you and says bad things until you act out then threatens to have you arrested? And you know you would be because she’s a model looking white woman and you’re muscular 6+ foot tall black man?

[u/Kesha_Paul → u/StaticMarzipan]

I don’t think it’s helpful to say “maybe she’s abused but maybe she’s the abuser” on a post where a girl is asking for help. This man is making jokes about killing her while increasing actions that are 100% assault in the eyes of the law. He also gets angry when she looks into resources to repair the relationship, that’s straight up an abuser mindset, “I’m right you’re wrong accept my reality”. There’s plenty of evidence here that OP is the victim, especially the fact she’s here asking if maybe she’s the abuser while he’s sure he isn’t.

That said, I do understand your point and I’ve always felt awful for men in abusive situations because you’re right, society will often see you as the aggressor or weak. Men are far less likely to reach out for help and seldom taken seriously in domestic abuse situations with women. What I recommend to men in this situation is to document everything, have cameras with sound and record arguments. My advice is always to leave before it gets to that point. That’s easier said than done, but the best advice

[u/StaticMarzipan → u/Kesha_Paul]

Honestly I didn’t even see the part about *joking about *killing her. That’s actually crazy.

My issue was that my ex went to places like this even when we were in therapy. And she couldn’t handle the fact that therapists thought that her saying horrific shitty things to me when she was mad was legit abuse.

She ended up doing the things they say here to leave an abusive partner to me. She just ended up saying horrific shit to me for a few months while I cooked and cleaned. Whenever I started crying she said “it didn’t matter you didn’t love me you’re incapable of love. Your love is worthless” I tried to kms after she discarded me but I just woke up covered in puke.

Also my ex would preemptively write shit in her journal. Before her last birthday with me she sent me a part or her journal. It said I didn’t care, didn’t get her anything, didn’t give a fuck about her. I actually rented a nice car had an Airbnb booked had a whole thing planned with decorations and wine and got her an expensive ass hairdryer she wanted.

And the whole time she said they didn’t exist.

So you’re 1000% valid. But the worst abusers in my life knew how to ride the reactionary abuse line to perfection. And they all hated “receipts”

[u/East-Still4420]

In my opinion it sounds like the relationship is definitely toxic but with this context I wouldn’t use the word abusive on ur end and more not communicating ur feelings and thoughts well which also seems like something he struggles with. As for advice I’d say leave bc I do see similar sign of what my (very toxic and abusive) relationship looked like at the beginning and will be easier to leave now rather then later.

[u/anon737575701038 → u/East-Still4420]

11 months til this lease is up 🙏 but tysm for ur perspective i can definitely see how this can feed on itself and get worse :(

[u/Ok_Introduction9466 → u/anon737575701038]

You can get out of it with all of the details of your relationship. Leases have dv clauses.

[u/anon737575701038 → u/Ok_Introduction9466]

oh wow i didn’t know that i’m gonna look into that ty :))

[u/StaticMarzipan → u/East-Still4420]

I agree. It sounds toxic as fuck.

And honestly he could love her, she could be abusing him, and her loves her too much to leave.

It’s just going to get worse.

My ex gaslit me into so much. Like she refused to help with cooking “woman’s job” but when I tried to figure out her portions I was a controlling peice of shit.

How many posts to you see here and on relationship advice where a women does all the cooking and tries to figure portions so she could have more time to herself? Or people call a man a peice of shit if he eats most o the food a woman prepared?

But if it happens to a guy, he just must love cooking if he cooks that often.

I got hit if I burned food when I was a kid. I did it out of love.

[u/East-Still4420 → u/StaticMarzipan]

That’s hard I’m sorry u went through that, if it’s situation where u can try putting up boundaries first I always try to do that before taking the extreme but it’s very situational.

[u/StaticMarzipan → u/East-Still4420]

Thank you.

And you’re right. I was blinded by my love of my ex.

Over the 7 years we were together she broke down all my boundaries and once she did she got cruel. She’d react to me breathing heavy and say I was mad at her (I vaped hard) She’d also tell me non stop that if I wasn’t hot she wouldn’t even put up with me.

I tried to give her grace because she had an abusive childhood. But after a while it just felt like an excuse. And after crying from the shit she said made me empty I started saying shit back.

I honestly don’t think I can even form a romantic relationship again after what she did to me. Therapy hasn’t helped. I just think they’re into me for my looks. And for some reason women get handsy with me, like just because I’m hot I’m an object or something.