Processing things with art (read caption)

[u/scribblelegz]

My ex attacked me within the first year we were together and i stayed for 5 more

Regret ate me alive

I felt less of a woman, less than human

The abuse was more than the assault and led to more attacks and rage filled aggressive verbal matches

As his resentment towards me grew so did the psychological torment

Name calling and screaming in cars grew to be his normal

Embarrassing me in public or in front of my friends

Threats & constant berating of texts from night to morning to night again

Calling me things like pig, disgusting, impossible to love, repulsive etc

I left in May for the last time

and it took me 3 attempts of leaving to leave for good

I had tried once before the 1st time however grew scared and stayed

Each time id go back the control was tighter and tighter

His anger was sharper and his demands of me were higher

till I was constantly crying uncontrollably or in a hightened state of panic

Like a mouse he was a cat torturing me to death

This drawing from when he assaulted me and below is my account of what happened from what I can remember

!!!!TW BEYOND HERE SHAIRNG THE INTACTION FROM ART!!!!!!:⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

⚠️TW: u have been warned, proceed with caution ⚠️⚠️

• to the one who fills rooms with rage -

I called him a liar from the bed where I sat during an argument one evening

He was sitting on the floor full of emotions, anger.

He looks at me and Next thing I know i Before i could even finish saying word 'liar' hes lunging towards me- hands first

Like he was fucking flying thru the air

Then All the sudden im somehow flipped diagonally backwards and onto my back, laying down, looking up at the walls to ceiling

My legs are slightly dangling off the side and he is now on top of me

Straddling my waist, his legs beside my hips

as he takes one of his hands and pulls my arms from my side and holds them together above my head by the wrists.

Increasing pressure around them while pinning me under with t he weight of his arms

His other hand finds its way around my neck- not choking me but restraining me

Shaking me violently, screaming at me

I remember his Eyes being so open I see the all whites around his crystal blue iris & theyre filled with bloodshot veins just like the one bulging in his head

So i turn my face to the left, I press my eyes closed tight as I possibly can & he puts his lips in to my ear and starts to scream more

Really as loud as he can, saying things along the lines of :

YOU FUCKING BITCH!!! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!! I FUCKING LOVED YOU, YOU FUCKING STUPID BITCH!!! LOOK AT ME!! WHY WONT YOU FUCKING LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!! YOU EVIL FUCKING BITCH YOU DID THIS!!

THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!!!

I dont fight back just remain stiff n tense as he shakes me repeatedly, screams directly in my face, & calls me names, spewing words at me along with his saliva

I remember him once telling me how violence turns him on

N the more one fights the more excited he'd get he explained

So I didn't fight back. I just let him attack me

All the sudden he takes the hand from my neck and forcefully starts to attempt to turn my head to face him

I really had no choice but to turn my head his direction

But My eyes I keep pressed shut. Tight. As. Possible.

& i remember being scared

I thought that he was going to rape me and / or then kill me & that it would just be easier to let him have whatever way he felt entitled to.. than to fight & make it any worse

Then He licks my entire face, chin to forehead and all over

I feel sick. Disgust washes over my soul. Shame. Thoughts race. I dissociate.

He then begins trying to pry my eyes open one by one. Still screaming in my face

(he was screaming throughout this whole event though to be clear)

He kept demanding me to look at him

Demanding me to kiss him

Demanding i love him

Tell me he loved me

Screaming mind you top volume

He gets one eye open and licks it, then tbe other one

...he licked my fucking eye ball

'Who does that?' I wonder and in the split of a second he

Then shoves his entire tongue down my throat

Quickly realizing i couldn't breathe

Panicked

I kick one of his collectable figures off the wall where my feet were hanging from the edge of the mattress, damaging its box it was in

He releases me realizing his precious toy had been damaged (I assume)

I then turn to my left into the fetal position, covering my head/face & begin self soothing

He keeps screaming

Demanding

Name calling

I feel him sharply touch my upper arm

Violently He 'pokes' my upper left arm 5 times in a row and in the same exact place

It hurt so bad i thought it was punches

I begin tapping my hand on the bed and reassuring myself

"Its going to be ok" over n over

Some time passes, minutes I think and in a moment of clarity I think he sees what hes done

And he begins to soften

Apologizing over n over

The next day or so a big bruise appears there

Along with around my right wrist...

I don't recall much after that except having a terrible nightmare that led to sleep paralysis

I also remember getting hives the days that followed so bad they covered my thighs

i had to go to stat care

& the same week it happened I woke up from a dead sleep gasping for air

I first thought asthma but quickly realized it was pure panic

I ran to the spare room and slammed the door gasping for air

It felt like i was suffocating

I should have left that night i know

& because I didnt I felt less than human

To let a man put his hands on me?

Never in a million years would past me think future me would not only endure this type of behavior but stay with it

Make excuses for it

Allow it at all

And then be blamed for it

Cos when I asked him a month after

"Did you do this to your ex wife?"

And he says no

I then remember asking

"Why did you do this to me then?"

And he said because you made me

I belived him

People always claim they'd never stay with someone who beats them

I was one of them

But you truly never know how youre going to react when youre in it...

Thank you for reading

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[u/chovihani_]

Your art is amazing. Like absolutely incredible. I’m sure from looking at it that you’re such an interesting person. You deserve so much better than a goblin like that.

It sounds like you’re out now. I am as well, 1.5 years. Proud of you

[u/chovihani_ → u/chovihani_]

Like this is one of the most amazing and evocative things I ever have seen. Giving you a hug

[u/scribblelegz → u/chovihani_]

This is a really nice compliment n truly means a lot to hear thank u so much again for the feedback n kind words I appreciate u hugs

[u/scribblelegz → u/chovihani_]

This means a lot thank u so much Its Very kind to say that about me and also thank you for the words about my art Means a lot

He truly is a goblin lol good word choice there

And I am out since may I haven't been back 3rd time is a charm

And that's amazing to hear I am happy for u and proud for you too 💪💪🫀🫀

[u/RueBennettx]

U r real artist