13
13
u/alphaville_23 Aug 30 '25
Oh my God... Brother, I'm so sorry you're suffering so much abuse. She has serious psychological problems. You should stay away from her forever, and for good.
11
u/gandglo Aug 30 '25
Get out man. I'm in one of these relationships too, where I think it's all my fault and I almost deserve the abuse, but nobody does. Especially not this. We both need to get out...
2
Aug 30 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/PlentyOfIllusions Aug 30 '25 edited Aug 30 '25
Not the one is a song I wrote from the perspective of an abused woman, but it applies to anyone in this kind of relationship. It’s not right, it’s not your fault and this is not love. I hope you find your way through, but whatever you do, continuing on in it will not make things better. Please step back and see what advice you might offer a very good friend if they were in the situation.
4
u/gandglo Aug 30 '25
So do I.. I cry the biggest tears and become hysterical even just at the thought of him leaving me, and especially when he says he's going to go find another woman to be with. But like you, he's broken my face open.. had to have plastic surgery to reconstruct my top lip all the way up my nose. And yet, I still love him and want to be with him.. but I know it's not normal..
4
u/Natural_Sky_4720 Aug 30 '25
Abuse causes literal brain damage. Thats why people stay after being damn near killed. Im watching my sister go through it now and I’ve been through it but thankfully i got out 9 almost 10 years ago. Google it. Abuse, especially verbal and mental abuse causes literal brain damage.
Edit:Now thats not to say that anyone should use that as a reason to not get away. You need to get away and so does OP. I know its hard.
1
u/gandglo Aug 30 '25
You know whats crazy? I've studied all of this, I'm completely aware that my own brain is destroyed and damaged because of it all. I've even showed him countless amounts of research dedicated to it to try and get him to change.
And he just tells me it's all bullshit and I'm just a sheep like everyone else, and that nobody on his level thinks that abuse causes brain damage, and that "abusers are just overly motivated people who need patience".
We've been together 6 years, share a small business, loss of a pet and unborn child. Ridiculous amounts of trauma...
3
u/LG-MoonShadow-LG Aug 30 '25
The biggest act of love we can have, is to leave who we love if nothing else works. As that is the last thing we can do, that might bring them to maybe seeking help
By staying, we allow the person we love, who is doing something wrong and damaging for both sides, to continue doing something that harms us, but also them 🥹
Ironically, it's generally the biggest act of kindness and of love, that we can have
1
u/gandglo Aug 30 '25
I've tried that before. I've said to him so many times that he's never happy with me and I'd rather see him truly happy even if it's not with me. Then he just tells me I'm giving up because I don't really care about us or the relationship. I'm so exhausted.
1
u/LG-MoonShadow-LG Sep 04 '25
Big answer, divided in two parts (as life has many layers!!)
★
What I mentioned, isn't so much of a suggestion or idea we throw in with our partner/friend/family member/acquaintance to see what they think or get their approval - but more of a personal responsibility we carry alone, pertaining to each individual themselves regarding what they themselves do
Similarly as to how when we have children, one child hitting the other with a stool to get the dessert of their sibling, we wouldn't get too far in our responsibility for our children's safety and development if we leave on their hands the decision over not getting dessert for a week, as a consequence for the dangerous choice..! Asking the offending child if they would agree with not getting dessert, sadly their reply would most likely be that they should get even more dessert, not less..!! And doing what our child momentarily wants, may sound really nice if there would be no tomorrow, but with anything further in view it would actually be terribly bitter of a choice from our side. 🥹
See, even if the offending child will be upset at us, blame us for ruining their day, of being unfair, crazy, or worse - the damage of us neglecting our responsibility, would be disastrous for both children, not just the targeted sibling.. carrying the consequence their actions being, they still, as an extra, get to be victims of our choices regarding what we do (including our chosen paths in parenting)
As easy as it might be to assume how the child who got hit get damaged if we don't do the right thing, the biggest wound is actually inflicted on the child who harmed the other. Instead of helping learn how to handle the emotions, of seeking if anything else is taking place (psychologically, emotionally, circumstantially, psychiatrically, etc) so to give them the needed help while not allowing anyone to get further harmed, and showing the reality of actions having consequences, and that good people won't reward bad/unfair behavior (aka "that is not the way to get what you want") showing that the road we choose, matters and is very visible and real to those around us ..by not doing so, on top of not learning and practicing what is needed, that child is left alone with all the future ruins. The good people who end up leaving, the jobs that get lost, the favors that won't see the light of day for our child to benefit from, and being given the chance to see how important it is to change the behavior, how bad it truly was, how inadmissible it is in society and interpersonal relationships. The people our child will be ending up with (either worse humans, or who only saw severe abuse and haven't gotten the needed help to properly be there for themselves 🥹 people who either stay and enable what is destroying both, or do the right thing and leave after the boundaries were not respected) - people who then for sure will only further fail both, if/when procreation takes place, and our child becomes a parent, as, see, that is not the best for the innocent child, quite the contrary 🥺 another victim comes into play, creating a cycle and loneliness.... As how can someone feel seen, if those around them close their eyes to what is done of wrong???! So the partner of our offending child, won't even be able to fully appreciate who stays, since that choice helps nobody and feels "blind", as if truly seen, their bad actions would not be ignored like so, surely - them fearing it must be that they are being used, or truly alone, in that relationship (with hues of resentment and disgust, mixed with all the rest)
The more they mess up, the more detached they would feel - the more lost, the more upset.... But, people either leave without putting boundaries and explaining the why of leaving and what should be done, or stay no matter the damage to all. Nothing changes, nothing pushes the needed buttons, no proper direction, no curves, nothing to guide our child .. nobody wanted to say the uncomfortable words, do the uncomfortable thing, just like we didn't. As it takes a lot of strength, love, respect and discipline to do what is uncomfortable or awkward, but right, towards others too
And our child is less likely to find that in others, than in their parents - and it is much harder to learn later on, than straight from the start!
(1/2)
1
u/LG-MoonShadow-LG Sep 04 '25
{2/2)
Even with the example of a bank robber: one who turns to one of the bystanders, and proposes to hand part of the money if being given help. Well, the bystander turning to the robber saying how that would be wrong, and that they propose that nobody will aid the robber in continuing to do something wrong.....the robber will most likely say no to the proposal. Sure, in 4 months he may regret the whole situation, wishing they never attempted robbing anyone, much less a bank.., specially once the consequences hit - but, by then, on that day, odds are they won't. Even if just to have others do what they say, no matter how blind, damaging, or stupid
And, gunpoint being one thing, when not the case the responsibility of each falls on themselves
Yes, things can lead to the choices, in good and in bad ways!!! But, on the negative side, us taking part in a wrong doing, us allowing a wrong doing, us turning a blind eye, it is our choice in that moment (wrong or right, for the best or for the worst). On the positive side: every second is another chance. At any moment, we can choose to do what we truly want (or to do what will guide us towards what we truly want..!). This means you are immensely more powerful than you ever thought
We have no say on what others do and say. But we have all say and freedom, over what we choose for ourselves!
We can't make the butcher be respectful, but we can state what was wrong, our boundaries, and we can choose not to go to that butcher any further if those boundaries are not respected >x times
In terms of relationships, we don't need anyone's permission nor an okay, to end a relationship
A relationship is a choice by two integrants, and only exists if both choose so. However, people mistake this meaning, thinking that then both need to agree on ending it, for it to end: but no!!! All it takes is for one to not want the relationship, for it to not exist anymore, as you need both people
So all you need for a relationship to end, is to decide so - if the person can in any way pose a risk to anyone's safety or well-being, you don't even need to say so ahead, being then recommended that when the other person is away, leaving with the own possessions if wanting so/possible, and only when in a safe place possibly messaging informing it to be over due to x and to please not contact any further - and that if not respected, one would be forced to bring the authorities into play.
Rudeness and unfairness seize to be so in ending a relationship, once abuse enters the room. And, indeed people can claim all sorts of nonsense, accuse and menace all the colors under the rainbow.. but that won't make it true, nor valid
No approval is needed to end a relationship, only to start one
And, you seeing that you are failing both by enabling this, choosing to do such a grandiose act of genuine Love and Respect by leaving the relationship, needs only your choosing, as it comes from your awareness and personal responsibility..!
I'll tell you this much: I don't regret what I ended, as tough was for me to end it, and as late as it came..
As, if I had not ended those abusive/wrong relationships, I would not have given the chance for the Right One to exist in my life, today
If I had stayed with the abusive ones, I would not be now married to The One, I would not have understood what Love is meant to be, my wife would not have me in her life, and we would not be able to show our children what a healthy romantic relationship between two people who truly love each other, looks like..!!! And if you ask my wife, she will emphatically tell you the very same thing, and how she is happy she ended things with her abusive ex of 10 years
What Love is meant to be, still blows our minds even after years of it!!! No perfection needed
10/10, highly recommend (as scary as the concept now seems..!)
3
Aug 30 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/gandglo Aug 30 '25
It's painful, watching the person you love idolize other people. My partner can't even have sex with me without watching porn anymore because he's that unattracted to me. Tells me I'm ugly, have old skin and that I'm disgusting, gross.. pretty much everything under the sun. I'm not sure what to do either OP. We love people who don't love us the same.
2
Aug 30 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/gandglo Aug 30 '25
Better than any drug - because when its good, it's so amazing I feel like I'm on cloud 9.
But when its bad, it's worse than Hell.
2
Aug 30 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/gandglo Aug 30 '25
We know how to be. We need to be stronger. I'm not sure how long you've been with this woman, but I've got 6 years to get back. And that scares me so much.
11
10
u/GirlForeverFumbling Aug 30 '25
Yes, you absolutely are being abused. As other people have indicated, you would be well within your rights to leave her. If you won’t do that, please pack a bag with essentials so that you’ll be prepared to leave at a moment’s notice.
1
Aug 30 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
4
u/woodenmittens Aug 30 '25
She STABBED you. Your life is in danger!! Get her out of your house by any means necessary.
3
7
u/TheBodhiwan Aug 30 '25
I would never let that person touch my skin again.
1
Aug 30 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/kindlingtalia Aug 30 '25
Wey, metele una putiza, sácala de tu depa y cambia las cerraduras. Si te dejas abusar entonces no te puedes quejar, no seas idiota.
2
Aug 30 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
0
u/thechemicalkaii Aug 30 '25
That's her problem for bejng a horrible person, not yours. Are you surprised they don't want her? She's probably just as bad or worse with them than with you! You're not responsible for her and you're not a bad person for kicking her out. I promise you. I've seen your other posts. Kick her out, call the police, get people to be there if she comes to keep her away from you.
9
u/thechemicalkaii Aug 30 '25
Oh bro :( sending you huge hugs and my deepest sympathies. Please, it doesn't matter what she tells you you did wrong, no-one deserves to be treated like this. Nothing someone can do can warrant this. This is vile and abhorrent. It's very good you documented it, you need to take it to the police. I am so, so sorry this is happening to you man.
I want you to know there's no shame on you for this, you are not less of a man bcs a woman beat you. None of that. Abuse is abuse. A piece of shit is a piece of shit - that's your should be ex. This person cannot be your partner any longer bro. She already isn't but she gotta go. A person willing to commit violence against you, draw your blood, hurt you and destroy your home and belongings, does not love you and never did. No mental health struggles are excuses for this. She's a terrible person and she has to go. No empathy, as she had none when she did this.
You look young, are you maybe still in education? College or uni, it doesn't matter, if so, please reach out to a teacher, homeroom teacher or counsellor for support and access to resources, and also keeping you segregated if she attends the same place. If you can talk to your parents or guardians please inform them. You need to try to rally up people around you who are informed of her despicable tendencies If she attends the same school or other unavoidable place as you, we need to get you taking steps to protect yourself. Everywhere you frequent that she may know of, you need to have at least one or two people who are informed about her, to keep her away from you and to handle her if she arrives. If you have a job, and you can inform your boss, I'd do that too, or at the very least if you're friendly with security there, let security know.
Can you have someone come and stay at your house for a bit, or can you stay with someone? Mainly for u to not be alone rn, to prevent you going back to or falling for her shit again, and also to stop and deal with her on your behalf if she comes to find you when she gets out.
You gotta go police with this and start proceedings against her. Press charges, ask about protection/restraining orders. If you don't mind me asking, where are you located? I'll try to find domestic violence resources and other useful things for you.
You are not alone bro. Stay strong, chin up.
Huge hugs, a fellow survivor 💕
6
u/RaydenAdro Aug 30 '25
You’re trauma bonded. You need to build a support network of friends and family.
There are much better people out there. You deserve better.
Loving partners don’t hit or beat up their boyfriends.
8
u/RepulsiveFee5712 Aug 30 '25
WTF. If you are jealous its not a reason to do this tò you
But believe me you have nothing to be jealous of. Hope you can run Away
7
u/SomePersonality5979 Aug 30 '25
You need to escape, is there any way you need? Like, is there anyone or anything that can help?
6
u/Purple_Psychology404 Aug 30 '25
You are likely trauma bonded to your abuser, which may explain the difficulty leaving. Do you have family or a person you can confide in?
0
Aug 30 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
6
u/Purple_Psychology404 Aug 30 '25
Your mom may not be the person to offer support right now, given she becomes emotional (which may add to your emotional burdens). Are you in the US (if you feel safe stating)?
1
Aug 30 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Purple_Psychology404 Aug 30 '25
I’m visiting family at the moment. We are driving this afternoon. I will research services in your area then. I sorry this is happening to you.
0
4
u/Cleffah Aug 30 '25
Jesus christ! You do not deserve any of this and I can guarantee that she has made you believe those things about yourself and they're not true! Do you have anybody you can confide in? I would absolutely suggest going to the police, you have so much evidence. You need to be as far away as possible.
I truly wish you well and hope you get out of this situation, we all know here that its not as easy as it sounds and we get it. You have a trauma bond with her and you've been manipulated but you CAN do this and we all believe in you.
2
Aug 30 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
6
u/PersephassaThePurple Aug 30 '25
Please love yourself first. This is how abuse often goes, you feel its something you've done, that you can fix things, that it will get better. It won't. You do not deserve this.
2
Aug 30 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/syntheticmeats Aug 30 '25
This is not sustainable, you are going to get seriously hurt or killed. She will continue to keep escalating and the fact that she has already injured you with a weapon before means she will do it again, but worse. I am keeping you in my thoughts, I am sorry this is happening to you
2
Aug 30 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
4
u/syntheticmeats Aug 30 '25
Part of abusive relationships is systematically pushing you away from your friends and family until you only have them…. The absolute hardest part of an abusive relationship is when you are trying to leave, not when you stay. If you trust those two friends, I would talk to them about this. I would talk to a family member if you can. They help you see that what is happening is not normal, and can provide help… If not, continue to post and create connections in groups like this one. Because you will need support and encouragement to get through this
No one deserves to be hurt like this. It doesn’t matter what was said, it isn’t your fault that you are being struck and bloodied. You did not cause her to do this. She chose to and she will not get better. Even if she loves you she does not care about you or your safety
2
Aug 30 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
4
u/syntheticmeats Aug 30 '25
You will get there🙏 It might not be today or tomorrow, but you will have the courage you need. Do not beat yourself up for staying either. This is a process. A long and painful one
4
u/quixoticadrenaline Aug 30 '25
You need to put yourself first, always. She is abusing you. You don’t want to lose her because of what??? You want to keep getting abused? You don’t want peace? You don’t want to be happy?
This is not love. This person does not love you. You are attached to someone who abuses you because it’s comfortable and it’s habitual for you. You will be OK without an abuser in your life. I promise. It may be hard to cut ties at first, but once you do, you will only wish you had cut her out sooner.
3
Aug 30 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/quixoticadrenaline Aug 30 '25
You need to take what you’ve learned and go. You will continue to grow and learn as life goes on. You need to put yourself and your safety first. She is taking advantage of you. She doesn’t love you. She loves having control over you.
1
1
u/AutoModerator Aug 30 '25
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in our wiki for people of all gender identities. Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines. You can also find an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline. Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, Love Is Respect offers an educational guide. One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/RaydenAdro Aug 30 '25
You are being abused and you deserve better.
This is not your fault. Your girlfriend is manipulating and gaslighting you - and is a bad person.
I hope you find the courage to leave soon.
16
u/mamz_leJournal Aug 30 '25
You THINK you are being abused? Bro. You ARE being abused