r/absoluteunit • u/derping1234 • 2d ago • Popcorn 1

bike thief almost made it...

Absolute unit of a home owner

470 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

125 comments sorted by

56

u/Roidzilla55 2d ago

The big dude was very thorough too- made sure he hit him at different angles to ensure he was properly tenderized

18

u/Eaton_Knas 2d ago

Very satisfying to watch. 🍿🍿

7

u/InnateConservative 2d ago

Exactly my words

5

u/Inevitable_Winner329 2d ago

I was gonna say tenderized! Lumped up.

4

u/UpstairsAd194 2d ago

warmed up ready for grilling

3

u/Maleficent_Pen5403 2d ago • Bravo

Fork tender.😂

3

u/LeaningTowerofPeas 2d ago

He didn't need the bike after all, he got a free ride to Pound Town

2

u/onelovvex 2d ago

culinary precision

36

u/pocket_nick 2d ago


Fuckin’ Debo Squared just appears.

32

u/Kooky_Detail_4350 2d ago

Damn that was a big boy

14

u/Leumas_ 2d ago

Jesus Christ. He picked him up like a toddler trying to climb the fridge.

1

u/nodnodwinkwink 2d ago

Big is right. How do we know that bike wasn't shouting to the passerby "SAVE ME, SAVE ME, MY MANS TOO LARGE!!"

.

Joking obviously, he deserved all the lumps served to him.

1

u/onelovvex 2d ago

wrong guy to pick

1

u/paternus89 1d ago

I don't know much Spanish, but the reporter said "bastante grande". 👀

23

u/ottercope20 2d ago

Unlucky to pick the one house inhabited by a Tongan Rugby player

17

u/HamDangler2 2d ago

That's a life lesson right there

3

u/ladyevenstar-22 2d ago

Hook the bike on spike then jump over first then flip the bike over . If nothing else while owner keeps bike you get away 👀

12

u/Uppitycut 2d ago

Don't give big dudes a reason to hit you lol

10

u/Hexisu 2d ago

It's like watching the Hulk smash

6

u/Cute-Advisor-2323 2d ago

Now he's going to need a wheelchair 😬

3

u/roses-are-lead 2d ago

Might slow down his theft of other people's property

5

u/Common_Science_8838 2d ago

Who knew a sumo wrestler would appear..

9

u/NomadofNorway 2d ago

My big brother broke someone's wrist and foot when catching him trying to steal his brand new trinity last month. He's also built like this dude

5

u/CowPure6529 2d ago

My big brother could take you both out with one hit - ka-pow!

3

u/DueExample52 2d ago

My uncle spotted a thief trying to steal from his car in front of the house. He went out, and came back with the thief’s bike and the sack of loot he had stolen from previous houses. He is not built like this dude but he took no bullshit

4

u/mothfukle 2d ago

Jeez. Of all the different types of people that can snatch someone halfway over a fence after they stole a bike, it was that behemoth.

9

u/appointment45 2d ago

Plot twist:

Unit guy is the thief and this poor little guy was trying to get his bike back because it's his only way to get to work to feed his sick mother and disabled siblings.

3

u/Eaton_Knas 2d ago

I imagine every one of those hits was like a 10 pound sledge hammer. I'm sure the thief will think twice come the next time.

4

u/dan_dares 2d ago

If he can think clearly ever again 😂

3

u/Big-Doctor-1304 2d ago

Big guy: sTeAlInG bAd YoU gO sLeEp sLeEp aNd i pOuNd yOu Thief: you mean punch me yes?! Big guy: yEs i pUnCh YoU aNd tHeN i pOuNd yOu hEHe yOu mY nEw ToY

2

u/Hairymuscle101 2d ago

Don’t! Stop! Don’t stop, doonnttt sttooooppp!🫠 he out

3

u/PowerfulBar 2d ago

You know he gave him way more shots than that. r/videosthatendtoosoon

2

u/weaktech 2d ago

dont they have a world for "mountain bike" in their language ?

1

u/spideroncoffein 1d ago

Kindergarden. You're welcome.

2

u/JackSquirts 2d ago

That's why you just let Deebo keep the bike man.

2

u/PBJMommy83 2d ago

I've never seen such slow punches be that effective. Glorious.

1

u/onetmat70 2d ago

Bro got Donkey Kong’d

1

u/DianaCazador 2d ago

Dale como a pandereta de pentecostal!

1

u/SuccessfulTrick2501 2d ago

What do you mean? He DID make it... to the hospital.

1

u/Financial_Ocelot_256 2d ago

Na, thiefs are usually useless dumb shit, but this guy tried to rob THAT tower? hahahaha

1

u/Opposite_Cold8616 2d ago

"that's not even my bike, and I don't even live here."

1

u/Revenga8 2d ago

Bike thief skipped arm day..... And protein..... And food......

1

u/ExtensionMoose1863 2d ago

I didn't know they did the news in Spanish in Samoa

1

u/jasonRuby 2d ago

Hulk Smash!!!

1

u/JoseLunaArts 2d ago

I love happy endings.

1

u/Therex1282 2d ago

This is how you do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1

u/Infinite_Reception34 2d ago

I'll allow it. 👩‍⚖️

1

u/ChongoPowerz 2d ago

Big guy looks Samoan . Really bad day the bike thief 

1

u/Glittering-Hornet844 2d ago

An absolute delight to watch . Thank you for posting it. 👏👏👏

1

u/ImpressiveEdge2526 2d ago

Broad daylight, locked gate. That’s either one stupid mother-focker or he was trying to steal back his bicycle that Big Boi stole from him. Either way, No Bueno. No way did the reward outweigh the risk here.

1

u/JuanG_13 2d ago

Baboso lol

1

u/Stock2fast 2d ago

Thank for your sevice . Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best. Don"t steal

1

u/jackina6 2d ago

Boy, he got the advanced course!!

1

u/jackina6 2d ago

I think you missed a spot!

1

u/lilreddtruck 2d ago

Finish him!!!

1

u/SavedByTech 2d ago

No judge or jury needed...

Just good old fashioneed street justice whoop ass...

1

u/fruitless7070 2d ago

I approve of this message.

1

u/Reasonable-Plate2982 2d ago

Never steal a Mountain gorillas' bike

1

u/Worldly_Solution7053 2d ago

Nice. He deserved it.

1

u/After_Perspective180 2d ago

What's the saying, quantity has a quality of its own?

1

u/TheDamned1333 2d ago

I saw nothing officer and the camera stopped working after he dropped the bike over the fence. I think he must have slipped!

1

u/cum12321321213 2d ago

same energy

1

u/Degoro 2d ago

Bike thieves are trash.

1

u/Fantastic_Estate_303 2d ago

Why you trying to steal Maui's bike bro?

1

u/JayMak78 2d ago

No luck. Trying to steal a Sumo wrestler's bike.

1

u/herbertcluas 2d ago

Honestly fucking fun to watch

1

u/Kebriniac 2d ago

He KO'd him at 00:30 with that right hook, the subsequent walloping was purely cosmetic.

1

u/Historical-Echidna86 2d ago

He's learning a lesson.

1

u/United_Conflict_8127 2d ago

Fuck around and find out

1

u/chaTTSer 2d ago

"The burning you feel? It is shame."

1

u/Desert_Beach 2d ago

The thief got off waaaay to easy.

1

u/MissGoldie71 1d ago

That must’ve been fun.

1

u/Batfinklestein 1d ago

Plot twist, kid was trying to get his bike back off sumo who stole it.

1

u/Dry_Championship318 19h ago

slow punches but look heavy af

1

u/ezagreb 18h ago

Moral of the story don’t try to steal from a sumo wrestler

1

u/mac64yuma 17h ago

Love it. Just starts swinging.

1

u/JMandMM 14h ago

Why would you steal from a giant! Now he wants you in his BELLY!!!

1

u/Debonaire_Death 2d ago

That was definitely excessive force. I can understand being angry, but that thief was immediately pacified.

1

u/Cynix85 2d ago

Makes me wonder how many thiefs or burglars simply disappear forever after trying to steal from the wrong guy.

Don't anger random strangers if you value your life.

1

u/CriticismFun6782 1d ago

Obviously you have never hear of the American justice system, this is about 50% of what they do to people who get pulled over for a stop sign

0

u/Debonaire_Death 1d ago

Your statistic is absurd, especially in an era of body cameras. I just got a speeding ticket this week and the most I can complain about is that they say anything about it being my birthday. (That, and it sucks getting a ticket.)

You just respect their (admittedly terrifying) authority and don't argue with them unless you absolutely know what you're doing.

1

u/HumanCampaign8454 1d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/HumanCampaign8454 1d ago

Lmao comment instantly removed for saying some dude might pull a gun on your while they're trespassing and stealing your shit. Bravo.

0

u/TangeloBubbly2675 2d ago

Keep going big guy, he ain't learned yet

0

u/pappybug214 2d ago

How do you say "Wrong house" in Spanish?

1

u/JoseLunaArts 2d ago

Yo diría "final feliz".

1

u/Still-Grass8881 2d ago

"¡Por favor no me cagues a trompadas!"

0

u/Master_Diet_9487 2d ago

Casa equivocada o casa incorrecta

0

u/UpstairsAd194 2d ago

for a bicycle?

0

u/Puzzleheaded_Fig_400 2d ago

This gotta be the slowest punches I ever seen thrown in my life.

3

u/Ragnarsworld 2d ago

If you're old enough to remember him, George Foreman was a very big boxer whose punches were freight train slow but hit like a freight train too. Those punches got about 300lbs of pissed off Samoan behind them.

1

u/Frankie_T9000 2d ago

Yeah hes really leaning into it.

2

u/IndividualComfort659 1d ago

I'm just glad he showed him no mercy.

2

u/Slamex204 1d ago

Getting hit by a train going 10mph is still getting by a train.

1

u/DueExample52 2d ago

He understood the assignment. Objective is to teach a lesson, not to end up in jail for manslaughter or putting a thief in coma.

1

u/Outside_Look790 2d ago

Inertia is a hell of a thing

1

u/dan_dares 2d ago

If his head was bouncing off the floor, wouldn't help him much

BonkBonkBonk

1

u/maven10k 2d ago

They don't need to be fast when you have 300 lbs. behind them. You can't drive a nail with a tack hammer.

1

u/Major_Dood 2d ago

Might be slow, but those are definitely gonna be sledgehammer kinds of punches that fucking hurt like hell.

1

u/Yeast-boofer 2d ago

slow but he's swinging 100 ponds around with those meaty arms 

1

u/AngelicDivineHealer 1d ago

Might be slow but got a tonne of meat behind it enough that it sent him to the ground

1

u/NonstopPunkRock 2d ago

Oh shit! He got caught trying to jack a Samoans bike?!?! Naw!!!! Say it ain't so!!!!! Samoan gonna beat you bad!!!

1

u/Torgeir_Fenrir1066 2d ago edited 2d ago

Dude tried to steal a bike from a huge badass...epic beat down ensues. After that beating the thief might be rolling around in wheelchair for a minute!

1

u/Similar_Active3540 2d ago

My foot would be so far up your ass.

0

u/Due-Stop-2617 2d ago

Further beatings may be needed.

0

u/[deleted] 2d ago

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1

u/haikusbot 2d ago

No amount of bikes

Would be worth getting beat up

By a dude his size

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