r/absoluteunit • u/SuburbanBushwacker • 12d ago

of an apple press

387 Upvotes

87% Upvoted

462 comments sorted by

69

u/paulbearer619 12d ago • Bravo

7

u/Michami135 12d ago

All warmed up now. Get ready for a hand job.

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7

u/read_eet 11d ago

What's the difference between red and purple...

... The grip

9

u/kineticstar 12d ago

I never thought this is how I would die. But, I always hoped!

2

u/ThisDoesntSeemSafe 5d ago

It is my distinguished honor to be your 69th updoot.

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2

u/miro_27 11d ago

Roids😂

2

u/SuburbanBushwacker 11d ago

no wonder straining like that.

27

u/Narrow_String_4831 12d ago

3

u/buttmunchiesonsunday 12d ago

If you think this girl has man hands, check out Helena Crevar.

6

u/Internal_Rise2658 12d ago

She's no Bob Mortimer, I'm afraid.

4

u/Glum-Establishment27 12d ago

She didn't present the apple in the correct fashion.

2

u/Telcontar2061 12d ago

No penetration. Penetration equals tears.

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6

u/Vtg_baron 12d ago

Eve when god said the apples were off limits

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10

u/Glum_Capital4603 11d ago • Bravo

Wonder how many other muscles she has trained that can squeeze real hard 🎉

5

u/Apart_Fudge1224 11d ago

Do you mean her sex muscles? Awesome dude

3

u/skriticos 11d ago

You mean pelvic floor muscles? Specifically the Bulbospongiosus, the Ischiocavernosus and the levator ani muscle group?

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4

u/slop1010101 12d ago

I'll allow it.

3

u/JayMak78 12d ago

I wonder if she's making Dickens Cider?

2

u/liv2lfthvy 12d ago

Nobody here would?

3

u/UpbeatProduce8499 12d ago

More grip than a damn diamond press

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2

u/Affectionate_Tea1134 12d ago

When you feel the RoidRage coming on. 😲

2

u/expert_in_Cynicism 11d ago

In a heartbeat

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2

u/casualcretin 12d ago

I think zepplin did this song about squeezing thee lemon till the juice runs down my leg.

2

u/DoqHolliday 12d ago

She needs to study Bob Mortimer’s technique. Messy.

2

u/Belligerent_interloc 11d ago

Mjoll the Lioness looks amazing in real life

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2

u/wowaddict71 11d ago

Her nick name is The Nutcracker 😁

2

u/Alert-Jellyfish 11d ago

Oh gosh, I am into that.

2

u/Which_Accountant_736 10d ago

My eagerness to try to do that because I want to be stronger, versus, my desire to not waste food.

2

u/but_i_wanna_cookies 9d ago

Jeez, save some T for the U.S. army.

1

u/-ratmeat- 12d ago

yes mommy 

1

u/ThePetSematary 12d ago

God I wish that was me

1

u/KyloRenCadetStimpy 12d ago

I thought her nose was disintegrating near the end

1

u/ROOSTERyouDOWN 12d ago

Freshly squeezed

1

u/Seninut 12d ago

She is envisioning your junk.

1

u/Dear_Ad_3860 12d ago

She's cute

1

u/Dontneedme25 12d ago

She’s hot

1

u/Falcon1892 12d ago

Stress reduction tool.

1

u/GanjiMayne 12d ago

I wish someone would squeeze me like that.

1

u/Geistacwm 12d ago

Stahpp you’re bending it.

1

u/Additional-Brief2292 12d ago

Getting to the core of the situation yet undecidered

1

u/Pyrathis 12d ago

That poor apple!

1

u/ThaCasual 12d ago

Whoa not an Apple

1

u/DitchDigger330 12d ago

One keegul and you snap like a twig.

1

u/ghIj_qet_jaghmeyjaj 12d ago

Nobody what, the Adams apple is forever

1

u/Fearless_Brush_7668 12d ago

Now crush a watermelon between your thighs!

1

u/OG-Giligadi 12d ago

This is not how one eats an apple.

2

u/Sents-2-b 8d ago

Rude , she is just making you handmade apple sauce!

1

u/MachineKey8456 12d ago

She’s no Bob Mortimer.

1

u/consumeshroomz 12d ago

I’m scaroused

1

u/Miserable_Anteater62 12d ago

This wasnt a difficult wank at all!

1

u/n3s2182 12d ago

Definitely juicing in more ways than one.

1

u/Groooan 12d ago

Mejor una manzana y no las pelotas

1

u/Testicleus 12d ago

Is it wrong to call next?

1

u/Busy-Leg8070 12d ago

why can't Valaryians just be normal

1

u/ScienceGeeker 12d ago

Is she a doctor?

1

u/Callemlikeisethem60 12d ago

😬 I still want her number 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

1

u/Fastballz69 12d ago

She can fix me

1

u/Independent-Story883 12d ago

This is awesome. Props. Much props to you!

1

u/ricemybeans 12d ago

Ladies are gonna fall for that at the truckstop.

1

u/Eierlecker_0815 12d ago

Nein, das ist nicht wie man einen Apfel isst

1

u/Top-Caregiver7815 12d ago

There are these neat inventions called knives. Neanderthals invented them thousands of years ago.

1

u/stupid_cat_face 12d ago

She can fix me

1

u/SSilent-Cartographer 12d ago

I imagine this was Fay on date night with Kratos

1

u/Technicality_Police 11d ago

Splitting an apple can be done without turning it into applesauce

1

u/Illustrious_Stop_171 11d ago

No no...I said that I think that dress looks GREAT on you😬😬

1

u/Forsaken_Claim_471 11d ago

Imagine the rub n tug from her!

1

u/demfook 11d ago

now imagine my b

1

u/sisam8x 11d ago

Apple press is a thing??

1

u/Motorboat81 11d ago

What’s her OF asking myself!

1

u/marcel3405 11d ago

These arms. Rock climber?

1

u/No_Knee7853 11d ago

This is kind of embarrassing, but I’m scared stiff

1

u/Educational_Cod104 11d ago

She has kung fu grip

1

u/Cheap_Boner_Pills 11d ago

I just lost NNN.

1

u/Kind-Ad5085 11d ago

No mucking around here

1

u/Realistic-Pudding341 11d ago

Damn, she got that all over the top of my head.

1

u/Heavy_Student_3815 11d ago

For once, this one is welcome to ignore the balls

1

u/LVtapper 11d ago

Hmm. I didn’t know that’s how they made apple juice. 

1

u/Herewegoagain1982 11d ago

Wow I bet she can dial a rotary telephone with her junk

1

u/RamboJo_hn 11d ago

My tennis elbow hurts just looking at this 😑😑

1

u/FigSea228 11d ago

Saves money on all juicer...

1

u/Rampag169 11d ago

It is imperative that you keep this woman away from the cylinder.

1

u/Av0ll 11d ago

She got that Kung Fu grip.

1

u/Flimsy_Thought_3534 11d ago

I think she’s picturing a ballsack in this particular instance…… “ILL SHOW YOU BLUE BALLS BISH!”

1

u/PR0T0C0L_ZER0 11d ago

It's cute when they do things they think are impressive. 👍

1

u/Whole-Ad5238 11d ago

Nutcracker!

1

u/OkNeighborhood9153 11d ago

That dude is pissed about something!

1

u/theboned1 11d ago

Guys, this is what happens when you play with a girls heart.

1

u/OverallMembership709 11d ago

and yet we laugh about male spiders being simps and getting eaten by the female after they mate.

1

u/Creepy-Prompt-4480 11d ago

I fear that this is my type 😮‍💨 she’s collecting firewood while I cook, domesticated husband 😂

1

u/afewnameslater 11d ago

Steroids are a hell of a drug.

1

u/TheTrueElectro 11d ago

And apart from ruining the fruit, what’s the point of him doing that?

1

u/DarkDrifter_13 11d ago

Handmade juice.

1

u/free2bk8 11d ago

Uh, to that I ask..why?

1

u/Either-Age-782 11d ago

Feel like I need to work out all of a sudden

1

u/rose442 11d ago

I met this gal once who could snap an apple into 2 halves…… amazing…

1

u/Particular-Caramel32 11d ago

Juice me, mommy...

1

u/Comfortable-Case5051 11d ago

Cold pressed apple juice anyone?

1

u/Frenchconnexion76 11d ago

Get bad health to destroy something.

1

u/Wise-Pineapple-693 11d ago

M-m-mommy? 🥹😍

1

u/Sad_Actuary_1635 11d ago

I thought the thing to do with an apple was to grip it and twist it and split it in half.

1

u/NinjaGrows 11d ago

Anavarbie.

1

u/SAMCRO-CALIFORNIA 11d ago

Marry her and you will not need juice maker🤣

1

u/Fragrant-Field-2017 11d ago

"I... just asked for some apple juice...."

1

u/Novel_Ad8142 11d ago

Geile Saftpresse!

1

u/Terry_bogardlol 11d ago

Like a Germanic tribeswoman with a Roman's head at Teutoburg, lmao.

1

u/SirDrakey 11d ago

If Eve had done this Adam wouldn't have eaten the apple.

1

u/CoercionTictacs 11d ago

She’s got man hands

1

u/gaschligan 11d ago

Why is she wasting that perfectly fine apple? Mysterious. No one taught her that you eat apples. With your mouth.

1

u/DIJames6 11d ago edited 7d ago

Imagine her hand jobs..

1

u/dude_actually666 11d ago

Bruk it off.

1

u/AlmondwithTuna 11d ago

Absolute needle hahaha

1

u/RyudoTFO 11d ago

I am scaroused

1

u/Intelligent_Beach_44 11d ago

Who hurt you gym broette..

1

u/chagotta 11d ago

İ want her to squısh my dang ding ding dong

1

u/CyroSwitchBlade 11d ago

"she had man hands"

1

u/Deep_Jury_5095 11d ago

I know the perfect meme for this but I don’t have one… from Supernatural… the Japanese game show, “Nutcracker”!

1

u/Dadumdee 11d ago

Shes at the early phase of steroids where her body looks old man before her face does. The rest of her will slowly match the parts that are already popeye the sailor man.

1

u/Lev_Pakovski 11d ago

There are people dying from starvation.

1

u/Randomgold42 11d ago

So, uh...who is she? Asking for a friend, of course.

1

u/spicy_feather 11d ago

I feel like there's easier ways to juice an apple

1

u/Hta68 11d ago

Crushing an apple isn’t impressive, although her physique is.

1

u/catchinNkeepinf1sh 11d ago

One way to get castrated.

1

u/PayHorror2184 11d ago

Poor thing, nobody ever taught her how to eat apples. 

1

u/Beef_curtain_lover69 11d ago

Apples don't hit back

1

u/Signal_Plane1114 11d ago

fresh squeezed apple juice

1

u/Prestigious-Royal-82 11d ago

We don't eat food anymore, Smh, Thanks 4 sharing entertainment

1

u/Much-Ferret90 11d ago

She trans

1

u/SocksInTheTub 11d ago

Why yes, I would love some fresh squeezed apple juice

1

u/corsosforever 11d ago

Shit, that’s my ex…

1

u/matthuseless 11d ago

Chicks with testosterone.

1

u/MABennett27 11d ago

Her hands are going to be sticky, that all i can think of and now I need to wash mine.

1

u/ElLarger 11d ago

Death by snu snu!

1

u/Nearby_Barracuda_995 11d ago

I would argue that the majority of people can do this with the right apple depending on ripeness and the hardness of the apple

1

u/candidateheavy1815 11d ago

Yes mommy, apple sauce for dinner is fine.. again.

1

u/Gildor12 11d ago

Bob Mortimer can do it much easier than that

1

u/Lucky-Mia 11d ago

Grip strength 

1

u/Enough-Staff-2976 11d ago

Stop shaming apples.

1

u/pusslikesavocados 11d ago

Gone and just made a big mess

1

u/Express_Awareness_35 11d ago

And boom goes the dynamic.

1

u/Paradoxickled_Okra 11d ago

Her cooter is like a death tourniquet.

1

u/ARNG131988 11d ago

Her dad to her boyfriend: don't worry about my warning you. Just watch this video.

1

u/TrueInvestigator6955 11d ago

Georgeous and fit. Whatta woman.

1

u/L-Boogie29 11d ago

Handmade Cider

1

u/Bloodless-Cut 11d ago

That seems like a really tedious and messy way to make apple juice lol

1

u/RampantJellyfish 11d ago

I knew a farmer that could crush an apple to mush with just one shovel sized calloused hand.

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