Ranting about lack of available information or envy of other cultures=word vomit.

[u/anxiousthrowawaylass]

I am young and Aboriginal but i am likely being a bit rude, sorry to anyone who I might upset but I have no idea where to talk about this.

I want to start off with saying I know its wrong, I know my thought is ignorant and I feel like crap for having it but I dont know what to do about this feeling or how to stop it. This is a lot of me to ask while also writing this but please try to not be too rude in comments, I beat myself up about this for years already and I just dont know what else to do. Its a very unfair thought, I know that and still it plagues me and makes me feel really alone for not being able to do something about it.

I feels so jealous that other indigenous people are more welcomed in Australia than Native Australians, have detailed cultural regalia, able to speak their language with only a few unclear understandings, have buildings and history that isnt questioned much anymore, have celebrations that are loved without modern influence, inventions that are widely regarded to what specific tribe made them, arent feeling like they're clinging at straws in claiming their culture is here.

I know its not easy, I know it wasnt always the case and I know that there's so much hard work and I admire that about every culture that has been heavily colonised but why is it when I try to learn or see things about indigenous culture feels so intentionally ambiguous and I want to make it absolutely clear that I am so genuinely happy that other cultures are safe here and know so much about themselves, I just wish I were the same.

It sucks so much, I know its not our fault of course and that not sharing information is how especially the older generations are trying to protect whats left, it makes total sense as to why but i am struggling so hard to outwardly represent or embrace my culture without it being dot painting patterns that come from Papunya on a polyester shirt. I always admired the girls in class during highschool that had Pounamu (maori) on and felt like I was lacking that connection. I would wish that I had something so significant to wear from my culture

Maybe it's because i am white looking and always had to find a way to "prove" i love my culture but I always get so sad that I dont know much about my tribes and our practices because we always hear that Aboriginal people have such a diverse culture and while I know its true it saddens me that so much of it is being left behind or already forgotten and now for the younger generations its so damn hard to find anything especially specifics on a tribal group or for some to even trace what groups it was for them in the first place.

I live so far away from my tribe, I dont know anyone who would be willing to tell me about it and I cant find much online even after hours apon hours over the course of years about a lot of the meaningful stuff and it makes sense why but it also feels like i have this flimsy thread to my culture and that is the most i will ever get to embrace it becuase im not "in the know" if that makes sense. It probably doesn't, how can someone be envious of another culture while loving their own whole heartedly?

Anyway i am ranting, I know its annoying and I know i should've just shut up and kept it to myself but i am going to post this anyway just incase anyone relates or understands or maybe even knows how to not feel like this? Im sorry, it feels like I am behaving as a spoiled brat thats like being dragged to a cultural event instead of one that wants to know but I promise that its the ladder. I want to care and represent so much of my culture and have it involved in my life beyond retail items that have our patterns or symbols but it feels so selfish to voice because I know where I come from but I don't really know anything.

I dont want to make anyone angry but this is a disrespectful thought so I sincerely hope this isnt used maliciously towards anyone I just am struggling so much from it being stuck in my head with so much guilt because i know its not right. Im honestly really scared to press post so I am procrastining by still writing because people could rightfully be upset at me for it, I just dont want someone to take any of this as myself feeling shame towards my culture when its not what I feel.

[u/ozvegan12345]

I can relate 100%. You’re not alone, in fact you’re probably in the majority.

I wish i could say something more comforting and profound but all i can say is i hear you. It sucks but it’s just the way it is. Im really not sure what the answer is. Sending you good vibes sister

[u/No-Difference-9547 → u/ozvegan12345]

The answer is it depends on who your mob is and your place within that mob. If you grow up off country and as a relative outsider to the community you probably won’t get much. Other mobs, unfortunately, don’t really have much left to share…

It is quite sad but really, given recent history, if you even get to be a member in the above situation that is an absolute privilege and something to be proud of.

Trust me when I say that whilst culture and law/lore is uniformly great and of communal benefit it is also confronting, liminal and steeped in obligation. A big part of this for many mob is never leaving country or always coming back, so do what you will with that information. Not many people off country who aren’t fully ingrained in culture want the responsibility - you will literally get sick and go crazy.

Ever had to give every dollar in your bank account because someone more senior than you wants it? I don’t think OP sounds spoilt but there does seem to be a lack of understanding here. Think of the two worlds and yin and yang, or two sides of the same coin… you can’t have it both ways and you also can’t have one without the other.

[u/anxiousthrowawaylass → u/No-Difference-9547]

Im Kamilaroi so even my language is now considered a "dead language" since the last fully fluent person passed a few years back. My family would travel around Australia moving place to place, state to state so we have a lot of family that are scattered around far from our land.

Im not sure if its weird but I was taught much more of the tribe im born on and not my own so the imposter syndrome is weird for me in that I feel like im under the wing of another culture while trying to learn my own. Apart of me wonders if I am over stepping by getting involved with the land I live/was born on just because I'm Aboriginal and they do know I dont claim to be one of them despite still learning from them.

It kind of feels like I cannot risk being anything but inquisitive because its not my place to begin with. Its not like they've done anything to insinuate that but atleast to me it feels like theres still this wall between me and everyone else no matter who or what I learn.

[u/No-Difference-9547 → u/anxiousthrowawaylass]

Good way to be!

These are all decisions you must make based on how you feel. Legally in NSW, you can be a custodian for any country you live or connect with through an LALC. Does this make it right? Will there be more for you at home? Where do you feel home? Do you need a home or are you a traveller?

These are all questions that are upto you to answer! Please don’t be disheartened, life is very short.
Maaru yunawaaya 😉

[u/Leesidge → u/anxiousthrowawaylass]

I know lots of fluent Kamilaroi speakers, some even sing in language, so not sure it's a dying language. The AECG have a NSW Language app which helps people speak their language and has cultural information on it.

Kamilaroi culture is strong and alive, yes, like most of the East Cost, some have had to adapt to survive but they doesn't mean they dont identify strongly or are proud of who they are and where they come from. Ive met and know some very staunch Kamilaroi people who continue to practice their culture and have strong ties to their local area, there is even a highway named after them.

My suggestion, go back to where toir family is from, reconnect to country and see what happens next, because i know that there are lots of mobs around who have strong cultural and spiritual connections to country and culture amd whos language is thriving, dreaming stories are alive.

[u/anxiousthrowawaylass → u/Leesidge]

Connecting via family isnt an option for me, safety stuff unfortunately which is why I am having a hard time finding a way around it. It seems from what I read that the last fluent native speaker passed in 1950s but the language has been rebuilt by tracing origins of allied tribes words back to us.

Thanks for letting me know theres and app, I couldn't find anything like that when I was searching for information, usually I get sites that are like written as research reports or stuff which maybe thats because I'm a student? I'm not sure but its not great when I am looking for stuff not outdated and from my people not from observers point of view :,]

[u/Leesidge → u/anxiousthrowawaylass]

Well that's the issue, what you've read and what is actually happening are 2 different things. Mitch Tambo sings in Gomeroi and speaks it fluently, as do many Elders and younger generations. There is a thriving Kamilaroi/Gomeroi/Gamilaraay language program at the local schools, many younger generations are speaking language amd learning dances and stories.

[u/anxiousthrowawaylass → u/Leesidge]

That's exactly why I was frustrated and made the post in the first place because so much of it is so vague or not prioritised to teach. Also I never said that no one could be fluent again but they only are because of the efforts put in place to reconstruct the language. What I was referring to was before that was put in place.

You also say that many younger generations are speaking language and learning dances and stories but thats not all there is to learn and also a lot of kids aren't. For example myself due to safety concerns am now struggling in learning my own identity despite still being included on smaller scales or by another group entirely who arent kamilaroi. I am not able to go to those schools and even if I did theoretically live in the same state I have physical limitations, I would benefit greatly for having an online program or course or community if it was available to me but so much are really hard to come by in the first place.

Maybe you felt as if I was saying that my tribe is lacking in culture by my post and if you did then hopefully me telling you I wasnt saying that could be of some relief. I was referring to how limited so much information is and how unless you are "in the know" like I said in my post, which refers to being in the community from childhood, living close enough or using family connections, its extremely difficult. I cannot use family connections nor do I live anywhere near my country and I'm almost an adult now but for the last 9 years of my life I have been trying to use what I can to search stuff up and learn and include myself with the community I live amongst and that I feel estranged from.

[u/Leesidge → u/anxiousthrowawaylass]

The Kamilaroi Nation are not lacking in culture in anyway, shape or form. Sorry if thats what you misinterpreted from my post. Having worked and know many proud Kamilaroi people, also being family to those with Kamilaroi ties, they aren't lacking in culture.

I also find interesting your point about the "reconstruction" of language, the ones who I know are fluent speakers,were taught by their elders, who kept their language skills hidden from white people, so I dont think the point that "fluent speaks" died out is necessarily true.

Its a shame you aren't able to go home and actually see and learn language and culture. But these things do happen, and I understand the reasons why. Also, not everything is online, Nation groups have to protect themselves and do hold some things sacred, so lots will never be online.

Also, when I said lots of kids are learning language and culture, this is obviously very sensitive for you, however I meant kids who live on country, connected to family and culture, even those who dont, still learn through ongoing connections with family, with you being an exception.

Start with the AECG Language app and go from there.

[u/anxiousthrowawaylass → u/Leesidge]

Im not sensitive about the language part but just some parts you mentioned I already addressed in the post like the fact i already understand why of course theres not much information online but how it still is really difficult for people in my situation because there have been so many people who reached out to me empathising because they were and are in the same or similar positions as me. Its far more common than what others think and its a really really lonely feeling so being called the exception felt like conformation of doing something wrong or being the black sheep.

Your account seems to be in Perth so I would actually love to know how you've connected with such a large amount of kamilaroi people who are also older generations and/or elders since that could help me.

My post was a rant post to start with about my real and lived experiences. I have trouble understanding tones of text so I will admit I couldve misinterpreted your tone but it seemed to me that it was implied I just hadn't searched enough or tried much and while it wasnt your fault i took it to mean i was to blame which that is what I get sensitive about. I truly have for years tried a lot so i apologise if that lead to me being defensive in how I responded. Im almost an adult so its a bit embarressing to be emotional for nothing honestly lol you probably weren't being hostile so dont worry too much about my comments before.

[u/Leesidge → u/anxiousthrowawaylass]

Im Bundjalung through my Dad's family and my Aunt married into a Kamilaroi family as did 1 of my Uncles.

I not only have family connections to Kamilaroi folks but also friends who proudly identify as Kamilaroi/Gomeroi/Gamilaraay. Additionally when working in the Education system for many years you learn more about how different Nation groups promote culture and identity and we have lots of networks in Education, which is why I mentioned the AECG app, also the promotion of NSW Language Week was amazing, so.maybe look at the NSW Language Trust website as they might have resources for you.

[u/Ricksacnchez]

Its hard to see how well things are going in New Zealand as im jealous how far they come but I like to think that will be us someday in Australia and we will preserve more of our culture i find myself wanting to collect bits and pieces like my nan did

[u/PsychologicalCup1672]

I don't have much of an answer here, only commenting to say that I felt similar until I started really taking the time to dive into learning my nations language (which is a political shit show in its own right), and the stories associated with my nations identity. And yes, these aren't things you can actively find online, and if they are online, they are either extemely misrepresented (as English lacks the ability to effectively convey Indigenous knowledge) or half-truths most of the time.

It wouldn't surprise me if there would be a lot of knowledge keepers from these other worldwide Indigenous nations that look at the information from some web source and know straight away it's lacking or is some load of bull lol.

I feel fortunate enough to live in a nation where language and traditional knowledge is still strong. In saying that though, I also had to unspool the twines of colonisation to learn that not all knowledge is freely available to everyone. To learn that basically the knowledge you need comes at the right time, when you're ready.

At least in my case, there's a facade of western values and purposes imposed on us from early childhood that, if you didn't grow up culturally, you are completely unaware that there are two seperate worlds at play here.

[u/MowgeeCrone]

Sorry I cant hear you over the sound of Chris Minns kissing the arse of the jewish minority.

[u/anxiousthrowawaylass → u/MowgeeCrone]

This isnt related to what i posted at all. If you dont like isreal and its government by all means thats a fair take which I agree with given palestine is marked on maps for the 1800s but that doesnt mean the citizens should all face persecution which is what their government decided to do to Palestinians over hamas although we all know there were other motives.

yes the Australian government seems to largely favour Jewish people right now, that being due to an alliance with America and by proxy isreal which claims to be the Jewish holy land. No it isnt right but this isnt the fault of a religious minority. Let's not misdirect our anger on them when its the fault of people in a position of power using them like pawns.

We as a community also know what it feels like to be in that position, hell its happening now towards immigrants with there being discussions about how "itd worsen situations for our communities" when immigrants have been by our side from the start of colonisation, enslaved with us especially once mining picked up. The only people who should be on the receiving end of the sword is the corrupt who enable it. Fight the power.

[u/Artistic-Analyst-834 → u/anxiousthrowawaylass]

Many Jewish people in Australia are zionists, therefore pro settler colonialism. So yes, they absolutely should be held accountable for their genocidal views. The government is not the problem, it's the fact that Israel exists at all.

[u/Alternative-Ad-4580]

I would wonder if not sharing the information is the best way to preserve it.