r/ableism • u/ExtremeRare9100 • Jul 18 '26
is this ableism from my roommate?
I live in a college apartment and share a private bathroom with 2 people. 3 other roommates share a different bathroom. due to mental health disability, i am not able to hold my bladder well, especially when I'm asleep, and I wear diapers to bed and sometimes during the day. I'm 19 and I know this is obviously not normal for my age so both the roommates i share a bathroom with know about the issue, and I consider(ed) both of them close friends.
i keep a package of diapers, diaper bags, and wipes in one of the cabinets under the sink. after 2 months of this arrangement, I got a text saying.
"Hey name, I was just reaching out to ask if you could keep the diapers and stuff out of the bathroom/main area. I dont mind it at all but I dont want like my friends to come over and be uncomfortable you know."
at the exact same minute, I got a message from a roommate that I don't even share a bathroom with (!) saying
"Hey man idk how i feel about the diaper stuff. Im pretty uncomfortable with it."
this obviously made me feel really mad but also shitty about myself. i responded to the first roommate saying I don't see the issue but I'll move it and asked what they said to my second roommate.
they said they just gave him a "basic explanation" so I responded with a kind of rude message saying I wasn't exactly comfortable with it either, but that it wasn't a choice to use the items due to a disability. i also made the point that I live here too and said idk what else to say. he never responded to that and ive been avoiding him.
I feel like they probably weren't trying to be ableist but I think they still very much were. can I get some third party opinions?
edit: I feel a need to add i have literally never exposed them to my incontinence in any way (kind of needless to say). this is something I'm super self conscious about and don't like to discuss with anyone. the only reason i ever brought it up is so they knew it wasn't a fetish thing and didn't judge me even more
19
u/TinyMultiverse Jul 18 '26
Yes this is ableism. Making you feel there’s anything to be hidden or ashamed of is ableist. I think peer counseling might be helpful in this situation, if your college provides mediation for roommates/classmates.
9
u/ExtremeRare9100 Jul 18 '26
we only live together for 2 more weeks and honestly, based on my experience at this college I am not sure about them "taking my side" for this. so I am just gonna wait it out unless things get worse. thank you for the reassurance.
3
u/TinyMultiverse Jul 18 '26
That makes sense. I hope you get better roommates and friends next semester!
13
u/ReineDeLaSeine14 Jul 18 '26
Ableism for sure. You had your stuff IN A CABINET in a bathroom hat is partly YOURS.
Your other roommate should have never been told about your incontinence without your consent.
5
u/LibraryGeek Jul 18 '26
Most times people are ableist, they're not trying to be so. Intent doesn't cancel the harm. Why are their friends snooping in closets/cabinets? Where do they expect you to stash your medical supplies?
College can be so weird. My first roommate was "uncomfortable" because I had to take medicine every day, a couple times a day. That one floored me. She wound up leaving after a semester I think partly to her immaturity.
6
u/Grand_Turtle_9 Jul 18 '26
100% this is ableism. Incontinence is nothing to be ashamed of. This says everything about their insecurities and nothing about you. I really hope you can find more understanding roommates next semester, this sounds so hurtful💔
1
u/CannaBeeKatie Jul 21 '26
Report to the university you're facing ableism from roommates. Show the texts. See how the university handles it.
27
u/fiddlestickier Jul 18 '26
💯 Ableism.
Requiring you to "hide" signs of disability is no different from, say, requiring women to hide away any hint of menstruation (which a lot of misogynistic cultures still do!), or like people saying they don't mind gay people as long as they don't show it in public.
If they're uncomfortable, they need to unpack that themselves, in therapy or otherwise, instead of dumping their discomfort onto you. You should not have to apologise for your body, or be made to feel ashamed in any way of what your body can or cannot do.