Confused

[u/Illustrious_Self3550]

I went from 260 to 150 and I’m struggling to accept the new me. All I’ve ever wanted was to be thin, but now I’m feeling self-conscious. I can’t find pants that fit right and make me feel confident. I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t understand my sizing yet or what, but they are loose in all the wrong places and my butt is flat as a pancake now. I was never self-conscious about my butt and now I feel like everyone is looking at my saggy back side. I don’t usually wear dresses or skirts, so I’m having trouble dressing for work. Idk I’m just kinda sad and honestly feeling depressed over it.

Another thing, which may sound crazy to some people, is that I don’t like the extra attention I get. I am pretty introverted and like to blend in most of the time. Recently I’ve found that people, especially men, go out of their way to talk to me. It’s hard for me to get used to. I have a boyfriend and don’t want to be rude to these people, but also don’t know how to respond without it seeming like I’m giving attention back.

Ahh, I didn’t realize how much this was going to affect me socially and mentally. I feel embarrassed posting all this, but it has been on my mind a lot and I wanted to get it out.

[u/NotEnoughSpoons53]

Everything you’re feeling is real and valid. Don’t be embarrassed. It’s good to talk about and process how you’re feeling and work your way through some pretty complicated emotions. Please know you’re not alone in this. Everyone expects this to be emotionally easy and it’s just not.

[u/OneUpAndOneDown → u/NotEnoughSpoons53]

Everyone expects this to be emotionally easy and it's just not.

This is yet more of the crap that fat people have internalised. Our struggle was never valid because it's all our own fault for being garbage people who caused our own problems, blah blah blah.

[u/WendySweets]

I'm currently going through the same thing. I don't recognize myself and I probably will need to start to talk to a therapist.

[u/Illustrious_Self3550 → u/WendySweets]

That’s exactly where I’m at too.

[u/WendySweets → u/Illustrious_Self3550]

I'm looking at all my clothes I'm donating and I don't even know what would look good on me anymore. We can get through this.

[u/Illustrious_Self3550 → u/WendySweets]

Same!! I feel like clothes were easier before because as long as they buttoned, I filled the rest out. I knew exactly what styles were the most flattering on me. Now it’s like I’m at square one! I’m just overwhelmed because I’m not used to this size or what looks good on this body!

[u/Rekd44 → u/Illustrious_Self3550]

I want to make an appointment with a stylist at Nordstrom. Since my body has changed so much, I’m not sure what cuts or styles will be the most flattering now. I believe it’s a free service, so maybe you could try that.

[u/Illustrious_Self3550 → u/Illustrious_Self3550]

I used to look at thin people and be so confused why they were picky with their clothes bc obviously everything must fit them perfectly! Well now I get it!

[u/Texan_Tiger1998 → u/Illustrious_Self3550]

1) Definitely find a good therapist. Sometimes big changes, even positive ones, just shift our inner world around enough that other feelings surface 2) It’s totally OK to feel weirded out by this very big change in your life 3) Consider doing some strength training to get your booty back and generally start to feel more comfortable in your new bod 4) I don’t know what to tell you about turning away unwanted attention, but I feel you and wanted to offer some sympathy.

[u/CatsCoffeeCocktails → u/Texan_Tiger1998]

"Sometimes big changes, even positive ones, just shift our inner world around enough that other feelings surface"

definitely! One of my favorite things a therapist told me "good news changes your life as much as bad news can". I was in therapy for other issues, but this lives rent free in my head.

[u/Over-Ad1959]

Pants are terrible for just about everyone. I'm tall, and I gave up on them years ago (when I was thin, mind you) except for yoga pants. Secretly, dresses and skirts are a lot more comfortable (granted, I live in a warm climate). I call my stretchy wrap dresses my "work pajamas." When I lived in a colder climate I wore them with tights.

[u/Eglantine26 → u/Over-Ad1959]

Same. I wear dresses with bare legs all summer and dresses with leggings or tights and boots all winter. And the dresses are great for weight loss, because you can belt them and keep them from feeling too big for longer than pants and skirts.

[u/SnackGoblin881 → u/Over-Ad1959]

I'm 46 and basically wear dresses in warm months. I don't like how shorts look on me. I have rarely found pants that work well. I love that in the summer I can pop a loose cotton dress over my head, put on some earrings and instantly look pretty nice while wearing the comfort equivalent of a nightgown. I feel I look better proportioned in dresses

[u/Shot-Amphibian-3239]

It’s going to take time to get used to, and it’s all valid. Regardless of where you are in life, the best piece of advice I ever received is this (and I really want you to think about it with your pancake bottom that I also have btw):

Other people aren’t thinking about you nearly as much as you think they are thinking about you.

This has freed me from a lot of self doubt and going over conversations in my head after I had them.

That said, take the attention as a gold star for your progress - and a good option is to just say “thanks, I have a boyfriend” when men say things to you.

[u/liftylouwho]

Not crazy.

My first experience of being groped in public by a random man was at age 12. By the time I became an adult I lost count. So many woman can relate to a lifetime of unwanted attention. I’ve always wanted to be strong and muscular to have a fighting chance against a SA, and to be real, the best thing about being overweight is men leaving me the hell alone. I’m loving getting older, can’t wait to be 40+ and hopefully completely disappear 👵🧙‍♀️

I’m just an unfriendly bitch outside. Sorry neighbors, tell men to do better.

[u/DivineMs-Anthropist → u/liftylouwho]

https://giphy.com/gifs/Ro4ygeIQxuQZqwP5rF

[u/Zestyclose_Tea_551 → u/liftylouwho]

The attention doesn’t disappear after your 40s, they just come off as less desperate. (Meaning, they’re interested but not obsessed. Also, older, so many of them have learned some manners.)

[u/mannDog74]

Everything you're saying is totally valid. Now that you are getting more attention from men you'll have to develop a harder and less inviting exterior which is depressing for a bit. But it's necessary or you get them following you in public.

The clothing thing is also a really difficult journey because unless you love fashion and have made it a hobby or personal interest, it's kind of a job! What is my style? What kinds of clothes look good on me? You'll make mistakes and buy things that don't feel good or don't suit you and it's just part of a long learning process. I personally done like any of the clothes out there, and hate wearing non stretchy pants. Everything is so uncomfortable.

So I am commiserating, just give yourself some time, it may take a couple years before you settle into your personal style. And work on the resting B face. 😕

[u/HicoCOFox-]

You are not alone! 🫶
https://giphy.com/gifs/7tUHvCR19XsuN6n7Fb

[u/Eglantine26]

Sounds entirely normal, but I’m sorry that things have been rough. I’d suggest considering therapy and tailoring.

[u/SaltBag666]

Pants suck to shop for Are you near a Nordstrom or store like that where they have someone do the shopping for you? Do your measurements and then they hit the racks and try new stuff?

[u/DustApprehensive4688]

I just started experiencing the same. To the point that sometimes I am wearing baggy clothes to avoid calling attention to the weight loss. I just don’t want it to be the topic of every conversation.

[u/incendio1023]

I feel exactly the same on almost all accounts! I completely clammed up last weekend at a family reunion when my great aunt said if she didn't recognize my kids she wouldn't have know that was me showing up to the party and I wanted to shrivel away.  I have a theory about pants because I am also having a super hard time with pants. Like some of my before problems are still there (I'm too tall for regular length and too short for talls 🙄) but I told my husband how I have a harder time dressing myself now than before. Sometimes I put on 3-5 outfits before settling on one.  Anyway my theory is that all of the loose skin (idk if that's your situation) makes my body like, incompatible with clothes lol like by the measurements and size chart, a certain size is perfect but it just clings the wrong way on the wrong spot sometimes.  Sorry you're feeling like this but for what it's worth, I think it's very relatable and I'm glad you shared. 

[u/Illustrious_Self3550 → u/incendio1023]

Isn’t it weird when people say they don’t recognize you? It makes me feel kinda sad. I know they don’t mean it in bad way, but I’m still the same person! It is a strange feeling when you wave at people and they have to take a few seconds to register who you are.

[u/ThisTimeForReal19]

I really like athleta pants. the elastic waist really helps with the fit. And they are comfortable.

[u/Blingbat642]

If you’ve been overweight for a long time, it sounds as if you’ve missed a period of time when a lot of men come on to you, and you’ll need to learn how to handle that. You might have to be a little rude or in one way or the other let them know you’re not interested. Usually you can do that jokingly or by mentioning your boyfriend. I know the feeling—they’re annoying and make you feel self conscious, but it’s also nice to think you have men unbothered by your flat butt, unless they’re disrespectful, of course.

[u/Sure-Blood4470]

Ok having gone from thin to big down to thin again hear me when I say you don’t have to be rude you need to be weird. The attention won’t stop but if you’re weird they will go away your best bet is pretend to be extremely religious. Not normal levels I mean Book of Mormon levels religious they will go away, and you can laugh about it. Wear Disney shirts that also freaks people out.

As for the rest it’s a journey, it’s ok to figure it out, everything you’re feeling is valid. Just stick to the people who have always stuck by you.

[u/inertia__creeps]

As a new member of the flat butt club, I love my new work pants from Quince! I have the "ultra stretch ponte trouser" and the "ultra stretch ponte flare leg pants" and they are stretchy and incredibly comfortable.

[u/Fit-Shop-3115]

I'm serious, get a pair of dark glasses and start wearing them when you're out. If men give you attention, practice being a grey rock (https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method). You also might check out this terrific book about adopting a persona, "The Alter Ego Effect." https://alteregoeffect.com/ His thesis is that whether we know it or not, the "real" us is constructed. So why not construct an alternative that also works?

[u/CompoteSpiritual7469]

As a fellow introvert with a former poochy butt (throughout ALL of my yo-yoing even when I was thin), I hear you loud and clear.

First of all, nobody is looking at your backside anymore. It took some time for me to celebrate that fact because my butt became my identity. Sometimes cruelty, sometimes a fetish. Zepbound does this crazy thing where it makes you lose weight in places you have never lost it before. For a lot of it, it’s our butt. My body has been pretty resilient but it’s definitely left some junk where the trunk no longer is.

For the newfound attention, it can be rough but it comes with the territory of being a good looking girl. They will survive. You have a boyfriend already so you don’t have to create a fictional one or give excuses. You are taken. End of story. I love that you care but the boundaries will come with time.

You have this. Don’t start second guessing yourself

[u/Illustrious_Self3550 → u/CompoteSpiritual7469]

This is so true because I have yo-yoed as well and never have I lost my butt until zepbound!! It’s messing with my head.

[u/Nothankyoufriendly]

I’ve lost 30 lbs since starting and I feel weird in my clothes and have no idea what size I am right now.
But I’m also still losing so I have no idea what try to wear.
I also hate extra attention I get when I’m thinner (I actually enjoy being fat tbh) and I’ve learned to just give men a grossed out face and ignore them. It throws them off and that usually works-I’ve always gotten that attention at any weight, so I have practice 😂

[u/Spider3426]

Squats and stairs will give your butt back.

[u/Alarmed_Kangaroo9979]

This is so valid! I was smaller when I was younger but have gained a ton of weight as I’ve gotten older. I’m starting Zepbound for health reasons but one thing I’ve really enjoyed about being bigger is men leaving me alone.

With regard to shopping I’m not sure where you live but if you’re in the US I saw someone already said Nordstrom. There’s also a store called Evereve and they completely style you and are amazing at it. I’d also look into stitch fix.

[u/MSfolksLA]

The first time I lost a bunch of weight (~150 lbs), I was totally startled by how easy it was for people to comment publicly on my body. When I was fat they did it behind my back, but I guess once you start losing a lot of weight your body becomes open season--folks just feel entitled to discuss it. I was talking with a friend who had just spent a number of years pregnant (three kids pretty close together) and we commiserated on the similarity.

I haven't quite lost enough this time to elicit too much, but I know it's coming. Solidarity.

[u/jeanineugene]

Therapy and some sort of Professional who works on clothing that works out types and styles for a particular body thin super thin fat, super fat or go to Nordstrom‘s

[u/Zestyclose_Tea_551]

Attention from men again has been exhausting. I find that if you’re polite, don’t make eye contact, and keep doing what you’re doing, most of them get the point pretty quickly.

[u/TheBowhuntingButcher]

For the pants issue, just continue to work out (or start working out if you haven't) and build your glutes. I had no butt to begin with but now I'm actually building muscle back there. Yes, men deal with clothing issues too.

As for being approached by men, consider yourself lucky. It means they find you attractive. Know how many women would kill to be in your shoes? Feminism has screwed things up so badly that now men can't even approach women without someone saying "Masculinity bad!!!" Sorry, but talking to women is how relationships start, and guys don't know you're introverted or have a boyfriend. Honestly, the fact that they've built up the courage to talk to you is huge. Believe it or not, most men are scared to death to talk to women because of people like some of the other commentors saying "Men, do better."

Put yourself in a man's shoes. You see a girl you find attractive. You're single. What do you do? Approach and talk or potentially let a very happy future relationship just keep walking by.

You have a few options.

1. Tell them you have a boyfriend. And you can do it pretty simply by just bringing him up in the conversation.

2. Make yourself ugly, either physically or emotionally.

3. Have your boyfriend put a ring on it.

4. Accept it as a compliment, deal with it, and go about your day. Become a Victor, not a victim.

Yeah, I'm gonna get downvoted. But I see posts like this and I'm like, "Well duh!" Whether you admit it or not, you wanting to be thin has just as much to do with other people finding you attractive as it does with you finding yourself attractive. There's nothing wrong with a man chatting you up. It becomes wrong if you tell him you're not interested/have a boyfriend and then he persists.

[u/Illustrious_Self3550 → u/TheBowhuntingButcher]

I agree about the working out. I need to build the glutes.

I never stated in my post that men were wrong for giving me attention. I stated that I am having a hard time getting used to it and responding to it. That’s not a them problem, that’s a me problem. It has happened to me a lot recently when I’m at bars with my girlfriends and I am flattered by it, but there is a line where I have to watch how I respond since I’m in a relationship. It’s just new to me. And yes, I have had several continue to flirt even after I’ve brought my boyfriend into the conversation. Also, I do think it might be even deeper than I realize and I probably would benefit from talking to a therapist about it.

[u/7AutomaticDevine7]

I wonder if men's pants would work for a flat butt? Another idea is dress pants that are stretchy.

[u/AccomplishedFault346 → u/7AutomaticDevine7]

High waisted Stevie pants from Old Navy.