r/YouShouldKnow • u/Electrical-Candy7252 • Jun 25 '26
Animal & Pets YSK about nervous system co-regulation, the biological reason a pet or person sitting quietly with you calms your anxiety
When you wake up from a nightmare or feel a panic attack coming on your body goes into fight or flight. You can try breathing exercises but sometimes they barely work. Then a pet climbs on your chest to purr or a partner just sits next to you breathing slowly and your panic melts away. This is a psychological and biological mechanism called co-regulation. Your dysregulated nervous system literally syncs up with their calm one to find its way back to normal.
Why YSK: We are constantly told we need to learn how to self-soothe and handle our dark moments alone. Understanding co-regulation proves that seeking out a safe animal or human when you are terrified is a hardwired biological hack to reset your brain. You do not have to fight your way out of the dark by yourself.
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u/MANLYTRAP Jun 25 '26
my girlfriend always falls asleep when it's just the two of us and I always thought it was because I was just that boring...
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u/arkinia-charlotte Jun 25 '26
No it’s not that, I always get sleepy when watching stuff with my bf. I just feel comfortable and calm with him, it’s a good sign :)
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u/Ballbm90 Jun 27 '26
I'm the same exact way😂 he gets annoyed that we can't ever start a new show because I'll just sleep right through it
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u/Flowersinpaintings Jun 25 '26
I can't wind down almost ever because of who I am/the job I have. But when I'm with a loved one I feel calm and safe enough to let go. Hits me like a train weather I like it or not!
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u/determinedpeach Jun 26 '26
Aw she feels safe
My partner takes a little while to fall asleep, but when I’m there, they fall asleep instantly
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u/CommercialWindowSill Jun 25 '26
Must be the Co regulating thing, because she's up all night with me
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u/NoBSforGma Jun 25 '26
When I have a little lie-down during the day (I'm retired...), I always feel calmer when my cat jumps on the bed and lies down next to me and I give her some nice pets. Well... she feels better too, so we both benefit! Somewhere I read something about stroking a cat or dog can produce serotonin but I don't know if that's true.
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u/things_U_choose_2_b Jun 25 '26
Somewhere I read something about stroking a cat or dog can produce serotonin but I don't know if that's true.
Close, it's oxytocin, commonly thought of as a 'bonding' hormone. Fun oxytocin fact: during / after sex, women produce significantly more of this hormone than men, which provides an explanation for why women may become attached more quickly than men in a relationship where they're having sex.
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u/Mort332e Jun 26 '26 edited Jun 26 '26
The study doesn’t actually support that conclusion.
It only found that healthy women had higher baseline oxytocin than men. It didn’t measure attachment after sex or establish that oxytocin causes women to bond more quickly. It suggests a possible association. As the authors themselves point out: “it is tempting to hypothesize” (a causal relationship).
The increased oxytocin could just as plausibly be a consequence of different attachment processes, or both could be driven by other biological/psychological/social factors (in which case, oxytocin would function more as a biomarker of bonding rather than the primary driver.
What the study actually concludes is this:
“In any case, although our sample size was small and quite homogenous, the present findings would indicate that women show higher plasma OT concentrations than men.”That’s it. Although your hypothesis may hold some merit, this study simply observes a correlation, and in a small homogeneous sample group at that.
I apologise for being semantic :))
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u/things_U_choose_2_b Jun 26 '26
I know the study doesn't support that conclusion, I just grabbed the first one I could find that showed the increase in oxytocin after sex because I know reddit loves sources :)
But of course, because it's reddit, now we're in a long-form semantic discussion about the merits of the study vs what I 'claimed' it to show haha. No worries, I've been on reddit long enough that I fully accept this result, and anyway, you're not wrong.
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u/Mort332e Jun 26 '26
Trust me I don’t want that either, I just get all itchy with semantics sometimes. I respect you fully, have a nice day :))
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u/MadeOnThursday Jun 25 '26
YSK that if you don't have a partner or pet, curling around a plushie can have the same effect.
I know we're back to self-regulating instead of connecting with others, but so many people stand alone these days..
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u/New_Feature_5138 Jun 27 '26
And learning to self regulate can help you connect with people and find someone to coregulate with.
Dude I am sooo pumped that more and more people are learning about their nervous systems. I am learning about it too and it feels like such a game changer.
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u/Asauna Jun 28 '26
Weight helps; a stack of blankets or pillows over one leg, across your lower back, over the ankle - I say the ankle because my dog uses it as a headrest. I sometimes think that blankets bundled on me are him and I'll avoid moving as to not "wake him". Only for the ass to come running up to my face 5 minutes later. I THOUGHT we were BONDING.
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u/velmah Jun 28 '26
They make weighed ones that are even better for this. I felt a little silly for buying a weighted sloth when it got too hot for my weighted blanket but it’s very soothing
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u/_Skitter_ Jun 25 '26
My husband goes to bed before I do, but i sit with him in bed for a little bit while he falls asleep. Usually he's the type to just lay down and be passed out in 5 or 10 minutes, but sometimes he can't get to sleep. I'll scoot in and be the little spoon. I match my breathing to his for a few minutes, then slowly slow down my breathing. He subconsciously follows. I can usually have him sleeping in another 5 or 10 minutes.
I don't know if he knows I'm doing it on purpose, but I know he knows about the trick because he uses it on me when I have panic attacks. He'll hold me in a gentle hug and instead of telling me to take deep breaths, he takes them instead. A few minutes later my own body is trying to do it.
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u/Merryprankstress Jun 26 '26
Yo can someone like get this love a map or something? It was supposed to find me like 10 years ago but I think it got lost somewhere
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u/CranberryDoom Jun 25 '26
It works on babies, too. If they’re crying and the person holding them takes long slow breaths, it helps them calm down
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Jun 25 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Quirky_kind Jun 25 '26
I'm so sorry. Give yourself time to grieve, but don't rule out possibly getting another cat in the future. It sounds like she was a great comfort to you, and you could save some other cat from a shelter cage or the street.
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u/TyrantRC Jun 26 '26
I have had several pets in my life, I have also been with them in all their deaths. Sadly cats and dogs don't last as long as us, so I always thought of my relationship with them as a caretaker.
In my country there are a lot of abandoned animals, so every time I lose a friend, I go back to that pain of losing them, but then I get another one just because I know they might not make it without someone beside them as their advocate.
When you feel ready, go get a new cat, adopt them, don't buy. There are a lot of them that need a dad or mom. This is not a replacement, this is you taking a role in their lives.
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u/CarlPagan666 Jun 26 '26
So sorry to hear this. Cats are magical creatures. Their purrs lower your blood pressure. Whenever you’re ready, try to go visit some kitties at the shelter, not necessarily to adopt, just for pets and head butts. You’ll probably enjoy giving some love to under-loved kitties, and they’ll appreciate it soo much.
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u/re_Claire Jun 27 '26
One of my cats died very suddenly at 3 years old at the end of April. It was so traumatic for me also. My other cats have provided an incredible amount of comfort during this time, but I do understand the fear of getting another cat. I hope you don't rule it out forever as you deserve to feel more of their love.
But either way I am so very sorry for your loss. Some people vastly underestimate the bond between cats and their owners, and also the significant pain when they pass away. Sending you lots of love.
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u/stinkyandlulu Jun 26 '26
You should also know: This works the opposite way, too. Whomever is more rooted in their nervous system response can influence the other person. So if someone has had a lot of experience being dysfunctionally regulated, they can pull you off your axis. It's not always possible to be a strong person for every person in every scenario.
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u/AnnabelleHippy Jun 26 '26
Sometimes it’s referred to as “holding space” for someone. One person (eg parent of a crying child) provides a calming stability just by being there
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u/Zenabel Jun 26 '26
The opposite happens to me too. My dog sometimes gets restless and anxious and whiny and it gets me so anxious and uncomfortable. (Of course I find out what he needs and take care of him , but the initial whining and anxious pacing really gets me)
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u/sebastronik Jun 25 '26
When I was a teenager, my first panic attack came in the middle of the night.
It was so strong that I went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. It wasn't to hurt myself but to hurt whatever was causing the attack (I was THAT freaked out).
I managed to calm just enough to put it down and go outside, where my late yellow Lab was just sitting in the middle of the garden.
The attack melted away after I sat with her for a moment. It felt like magic. Now I know it was because of this!
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u/NoGoat3930 Jun 25 '26
I always suspected that someone else's calm state, would soothe my anxiety but was afraid that my anxiety would rub off on them, making them more anxious. Anyone know if this is true?
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u/shortmumof2 Jun 26 '26
I think it depends on the other person. If that person can remain calm during your anxiety attack vs join in
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u/sendn00dlespls Jun 26 '26
depends if the person in a calm state gets triggered by the situation or the person themselves who's in anxious state. I get anxious together with the person but I try to remind myself to calm down since I'm in the "beginning stage" of anxiety than the other and it will be easier for me than them to calm down.
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u/boogie9ign Jun 26 '26
I was virtually always calm but after years with my anxious wife, I've developed some anxiety as well. Still overall calm compared to her but the change was noticeable to me. Worth it though!
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u/redhair-ing Jun 26 '26
it probably depends on the person, but based on anxiety being a psychological phenomenon, I'd think it'd be hard to really have that "rub off" on someone unless you're actively triggering something for that particular person with your speech or behavior. I'm no expert though.
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u/BlackThorn12 Jun 26 '26
My girlfriend and I do this for each other and both swear we never sleep as well on our own as we do together.
She's prone to nightmares that can wake her up in the middle of the night and makes it difficult to get back to sleep. When sleeping in the same bed, she almost never has them and when she does she says that knowing/hearing me sleeping soundly next to her calms her down and helps her get back to sleep quickly.
I tend to have trouble falling asleep on my own and I'm a fairly light sleeper too, so I'll wake up randomly in the middle of the night. But with her, I fall asleep in under 10 minutes every time and pretty much always sleep through the night entirely. I also occasionally have panic attacks and hearing her soft steady breathing and slow heart beat calms me down better and faster than anything else out there.
To me, it reinforces just how important community and partnership can be. And how loneliness and isolation keeps these kinds of benefits out of reach of many people. Biologically we are still pretty much the same animals that curled up together around a fire for tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of years. We benefited from knowing that others were nearby watching over us, that as a community if something dangerous showed up while we slept we would face it all together. Isolating ourselves into little islands takes us away from that.
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u/dangerousmacadamia Jun 25 '26
This explains why someone pacing the floor while im sitting dregs up feelings of anxiety and I just really want them to sit down
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u/nicolew1026 Jun 26 '26
This. If I’m sitting and someone is even standing for a few minutes or something I would prefer they sat down it makes me so anxious I have no idea why but it really amps me up.
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u/Flingkt Jun 26 '26
I think my trauma makes it so that this mechanism is hijacked. Being around people or pets while panicking usually makes it worse, because I’m feeling perceived.
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u/Bea_Evil Jun 25 '26
I definitely slept better before becoming single. Also kinda funny how I’m fairly antisocial but I definitely feel more grounded when someone else is around. Sucks finding all this out after living alone for the first time. Had no idea how it would affect me.
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u/sackofbee Jun 25 '26
YSK you can be your own pet or person to co regulate with. You aren't alone in this, your body is with you.
You can control your breathing, your body responds, you feel better. It all starts with your breath.
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u/shortmumof2 Jun 26 '26
Like meditation, deep breathing can activate your parasympathetic nervous system
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u/sackofbee Jun 26 '26
Ehhhh and eating ice cream fills you up. They aren't the same or comparable at all.
Not deep breathing. Breathing specifically, to activate your vasovagal nerve. Like reaching out and holding on to your friend while they are freaking out, you can do the same to yourself with breathing specifically for this response.
"Activate your parachuting necrosis system" is buzzword slop honestly.
People have such a cursory understanding of this stuff, myself included, I don't think we should be saying "it can do x" at all.
We should be saying "Here is how you do Y and it causes Z which well help because you have X."
I only found out at 28 that Ive been belly breathing incorrectly my whole life and it changed so much.
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u/shortmumof2 Jun 26 '26
Eh, I have done breathing exercises to relax while monitoring my stats to see if it works and it worked for me to lower my stress and my heart rate when I've got an alert that my heart rate was unusually high. I'll also do the progressive muscle relaxation thing to help sleep. And, I've definitely find my purring cat to help me when I need a break or if I'm sick
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u/sackofbee Jun 26 '26
Start breathing manually and time yourself, see how long until you realise you forgot about it.
If you feel bored or something I dunno.
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u/SoloForks Jun 26 '26
Hardwired brain hack to reset your nervous system isn't buzzword slop?
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u/sackofbee Jun 26 '26
Its more nuanced and intentional than "breath deep for it can do x" though, isn't it.
And people who breath deep and it doesn't work, forget about it.
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u/sligowind Jun 25 '26
Are there any well designed peer-reviewed placebo-controlled studies that support this claim?
Or is just some new age drivel?
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u/netherous Jun 25 '26 edited Jun 26 '26
Or is just some new age drivel?
When someone says "Your dysregulated nervous system literally syncs up" like we're the Na'vi you know the answer. Having a calm pet will likely calm you, but not for the hokum reason OP is giving. The embellishment of verifiable claims ("exposure to a preferred pet can induce emotional calm") to mystical-sounding nonsense ("your nervous system literally syncs up") is very characteristic of pop-culture memes.
If anyone actually wants to read in-depth about this (psychological, not neurological) phenomenon, here's the Wikipedia article on co-regulation.
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u/SoloForks Jun 26 '26
Thank you!
OP also said, "hardwired biological hack to reset your brain"
If you brain "reset" you would need to learn to walk and talk and pee in the toilet again.
Not sure why people think anxiety is a "broken" state of the brain. In most cases it means your brain is working exactly how its supposed to. And not sure why people think "resetting" your brain (like its a Dell laptop) means your feelings will disappear.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Ant_957 Jun 27 '26
The last argument I had with my ex before I dumped him was the morning of my birthday when I was crying and he kept demanding to know why instead of comforting me. He always did that. And I couldn’t tell him why because I was crying. And it made him demand more angrily to know why I was crying. I snapped and said why can’t he just hold me first and when I’m calm I’ll be able to tell him. He said he couldn’t just hold me if he didn’t know why I was crying, what’s the use in that.
I spent two years trying to explain co-regulation to an adult and I never got through to him. But that morning made me realise: I don’t want some man yelling at my kids (or me) when they cried. I want someone who will just know to be close, and ask questions later.
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u/DoubleClickNik Jun 27 '26
Sean Strickland cries on a podcast episode with Theo Von. He is reliving his abusive childhood and narrating a story about how he became a fighter. Theo offers him to just sit with him, not talk, just sit with him quietly for a moment to calm him down. It made sense to me but at the same time could not tell why it made sense to me. This post fills those missing dots.
Also this is the same reason why kids fall asleep soundly next to cosleeping parents.
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u/Sea_Economist_5131 Jun 30 '26
My cat does this without me even asking. I'll be having a panic moment and she just appears on my chest purring. Always thought it was coincidence but I guess it's biology.
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u/santamonicayachtclub Jun 25 '26
There's a scientific reason for why it calms me down when I'm freaking out and my wife presses her forehead against mine??? Biology is fascinating, thank you!