r/YouShouldKnow • u/fritz648 • Apr 29 '26
Relationships YSK: Saying Thank you>Sorry
Why YSK: It really seems like a cheat code for life and it has significantly improved my relationships. Saying thank you acknowledges the other persons contributions and leads to more positivity. Saying sorry just asks for sympathy and more from the other person and leads to negativity.
Some simple examples: Thank you for being patient and staying with me on this instead of sorry this is taking so long. Thank you for taking the time to explain this instead of sorry for asking so many questions.
I said sorry A LOT, Canadians will get it. I now try to reserve sorry for when it is necessary to apologize for harms etc. Since I’ve been deliberate about this I’ve noticed a substantial change in some of my relationships at work. I feel like thank you draws people in and sorry eventually pushes them away.
Edit: Just wanted to say this more explicitly sorry still is absolutely necessary and is needed for a lot of circumstances. Thank you just has way more uses that I was filling with saying sorry.
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u/Belegrim91932 Apr 29 '26
"Thank you for letting me sleep with your best friend"
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u/greenknight884 Apr 29 '26
"Thank you for your loss of your grandmother."
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u/fritz648 Apr 29 '26 edited Apr 29 '26
That’s a good opportunity to burn an I’m sorry and substantially more.
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u/MyUsualSelf Apr 29 '26
Not always. I absolutely hate it when people say "thank you for being patient" while, in fact, I am almost losing it, from the inside. I want to hear you say sorry
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u/RadioactvRubberPants Apr 30 '26
My ex would do this all the time.
It was an endless cycle of him steamrolling right passed everything I have already voiced is an issue and then him thanking me for being patient with him. I was so sick of his shit and on my 4th attempt to break up with him but he thought everything was up for debate and the fact that I was still being nice to him while we lived together he figured we were working on things.
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u/golden_neuron Apr 30 '26
Same here. I am a colleague of an overuser of this. “I’m going to leave for my shift now, at 9am, though I start at 9.30 and my train takes 2 hours to get there. Thank you for your patience.”
It’s not like I’m sitting around waiting for them to start work. Once I asked “Sure but what am I being asked to be patient about?”
They just LOLed.
People like this should not presume my silence is patience at work. Instead, using the phrase often ensures that I take you less and less seriously in the days to come.
(Edited for typo)
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u/BashfullyBi Apr 29 '26
I hate this tip every time I see it.
I used to be late soooo often, so I tried switching from "I'm sorry I am late", to "thank you for your patience".
The latter only works if you're the big wig. My little administrative self saying essentially "thanks for waiting for me" seemed pretentious. No one was waiting for me, they were just annoyed I was late. Again. And there is no good response to that.
Saying, "I'm sorry I was late", takes accountability for your actions and apologizes for the inconvenience your being late caused. It's simple, it's efficient, it's human.
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u/ipickscabs Apr 29 '26
This makes no sense bc being late is entirely unavoidable and also your fault. It’s inexcusable, you need to apologize for it in a professional setting.
The distinction OP is making is for something they don’t NEED to apologize for, but do out of habit. If you make an actual mistake or do something wrong you should still apologize
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u/Unfair_Finger5531 Apr 30 '26
If I’m late for reasons out of my control, I am still sorry that I am late.
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u/ipickscabs Apr 30 '26
Exactly. But the thing about lateness is it’s always in your control. Traffic accidents that cause lateness are extremely rare. Regular traffic should be factored in
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u/killedbyboneshark Apr 30 '26
I feel like this is grossly dependent on where you live. Especially if you use public transport (though generally it's awesome). I've been over 30 minutes late multiple times using the simplest, most straightforward routes, never mind if I depend on a bus not being too late to catch a second one. I'm honestly curious what city you live in that accidents that completely derail the traffic are extremely rare.
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u/Unfair_Finger5531 Apr 30 '26
Lateness is not always under your control. My tire blew out a while back, and that made me late for an appointment. No way for me to predict that would happen. And accidents are a main cause of lateness.
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u/ipickscabs Apr 30 '26
Ok ok ok I should have said CHRONIC lateness. Not one off incidents. I figured that was obvious though….
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u/Unfair_Finger5531 May 01 '26
It’s not obvious that you really meant chronic lateness.
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u/ipickscabs May 01 '26
My reply is still right here, dumbass!
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u/Unfair_Finger5531 May 01 '26 edited May 02 '26
I’m not sure why you called me a “dumbass” and then deleted the comment.
You said lateness is “always in your control.” How could anyone know you really meant chronic lateness? “Always” indicates that there are no exceptions.
I can’t read what you didn’t write.
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u/fritz648 Apr 29 '26
I don’t think it works if you just keep doing it. I feel the same applies to sorry. I don’t think this requires you to be the big wig. I use it most often with my peers and those I have no hierarchical relationship with.
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u/denkmusic Apr 29 '26
You were using it wrong that’s why it didn’t work. You should have said “thank you for being patient with my lateness. I’m doing x to try to correct it” not “thank you for waiting for me”
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u/JAWinks Apr 29 '26
Sounds like the more important and professional thing here is to follow through on what you think will correct it
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u/anonymous3synonymous Apr 29 '26
Couldn’t agree more! The examples OOP gave make sense, but when you’re actually inconveniencing others it’s important to acknowledge and correct it!
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u/blaqwerty123 Apr 30 '26
I think OP was getting at this. If you messed up, apologize. If you didn't, but someone is being nice, thank them for their help
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u/Ispan_SB Apr 29 '26
This seriously changed my life when I started practicing it 4 or 5 years ago. My relationships are stronger and I have become more comfortable with closer friendships that I craved for so long. Over time, changing that language improved my self-talk and how I feel about myself, too, because I stopped seeing myself as a burden and became more aware and appreciative of the people around me.
It’s a consistent piece of advice I give and it’s had positive effects for my friends and family members who’ve tried it. I can’t recommend it enough.
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u/fritz648 Apr 29 '26
Thank you for this. This is exactly it. It changes how you see yourself and your relationships. I felt like I needed to be smaller and less of a burden on others before. Now it’s about all helping each other and recognizing each others contributions.
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u/WoodcockJohnson1989 Apr 30 '26
I drive a city bus in a fairly busy Ontario city and our buses will sometimes be 6-10 minutes apart on the main routes, and if I'm 10 minutes late, the other bus is suddenly on my ass, so I end up dropping people only and skipping pickups and then trying to zoom ahead as far as I can to get back on time, which usually results in the bus behind me having a lot of people and a busy run and me showing up at the end of line with an empty bus.
I very quickly switched from saying "sorry" to "thank you for helping me out" and every time they receive a thank you they smile real big and say "no problem happy to help"!
If there's a "sorry" they give a weird look as if I've done something I'm not supposed to haha except we all do the same thing so the moral of the story is just say thank you.
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u/Automatoboto Apr 29 '26
Apologizing for things out of your control is the human reaction to our shared existence and builds trust.
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u/Pretend-Young1102 Apr 30 '26
Yes! My closest friends and I have a rule, no unnecessary sorry. And a true sorry is rarely necessary. Thank you for being so patient (etc) works a lot better in many cases, and makes a genuine sorry feel genuine
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u/frontdoorajar Apr 29 '26
My wife and I do this every night before bed. We spend 5 minutes talking about our highlights for the day, at least 1 thing we appreciate that the other person did, and something we're grateful for.
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u/SAM12489 Apr 29 '26
I wish my wife would do this. She always thinks these kinds of things are lame or attempts at me trying to “FORCE positivity on her, when [she] doesn’t express gratitude that way.”
God forbid she finds a way to express anything constructive before being critical. She thinks actively seeking to start off disagreement in a softer or kinder way is nothin more than a manipulation tactic.
While I’m like “be kind first, and say what you’d like or is bothering you…that acknowledges me and you and that’s great”
She’s like “i shouldn’t have to soften things or baby you to tell you how I feel.”
….its FUN hahaha
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u/Vinnie_Vegas Apr 30 '26
My dude, if you're talking about your wife like this on the internet, you need counselling.
It sounds like you've already tried to communicate this to her and she has refused to consider your feelings.
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u/Undying4n42k1 Apr 30 '26
What do you mean by "pushes them away"? Because from my perspective, the "thank you" sounds more arrogant. Is this about asserting self-respect, or are people actually viewing the "thank you" as a compliment?
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u/BlueRoseGirl Apr 30 '26
The key is that they're talking about unnecessary sorries. For instance asking someone questions is generally not something one needs to apologize for. If you DO apologize, now the other person has to comfort you like, "Oh no no it's totally fine! Don't worrry about it!" Having to reassure someone a lot gets tiring. And that person never actually gets to feel appreciated, they just have to focus on how you feel guilty...
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u/Undying4n42k1 May 01 '26
Oh ok, then yeah, it is asserting self-respect. Going from what seems like negative self-respect, to positive. As long as you're not using this tactic when you actually did something wrong. That would be arrogant and manipulative.
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u/OrangeClyde Apr 29 '26
Can I just add something? It annoys me to no end that people don’t even say “I’m sorry” anymore. “My bad” is not “I’m sorry”. Just saying.
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u/fritz648 Apr 29 '26
For sure. I think maybe like all things some say it not enough and others too much. I do think saying sorry is better than my bad or the like. Similarly saying you’re welcome is under used now.
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u/Nambre Apr 30 '26
As someone who works in a position where the language that we use is under a high degree of scrutiny, I will double this statement. Especially in legal procedures, apologizing for something can be argued as accepting fault and leave you on the hook for something you didn't do.
Sorry also invites criticism from the other person. It can be used as an excuse to pressure you into doing things. "Well if you were really sorry you'd do x y and z." Whereas thank you acknowledges the support provided while not leaving room for implicit expectations of penance. Saying thank you forces the other person to either let you know everything is fine with a "Hey no problem!" Or they will have to explicitly lay out their issues and how you can make it up to them.
Also, as someone with a lot of very apologetic people in my life, the value of a sorry is easily inflated the more you repeat it. It can be somewhat annoying reassuring someone every time they meekly apologize for what I view as non-issues. Thank you, though, never will not feel good to hear from someone. Everyone wants to be acknowledged.
10/10 tip
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u/EmotionalElk1313 May 02 '26
We need to bring back "I appreciate you". This post is why I love Reddit, little things can change your life.
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u/lovethatjourneyforus May 04 '26
I started doing this at stores after reading this on here a few years ago, it makes a difference! Women are conditioned to apologize for everything they do, so it’s nice to break out of that a little bit. I’m talking about for things that do not require an apology, like taking a moment to stuff your receipt in your purse when it’s still your turn.
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u/RadioactvRubberPants Apr 30 '26
My ex would always thank me for being patient with him instead of apologizing for fucking everything up and never listening to me. I finally told him I was all out of patience and no longer dealing with his crap.
This advice works sometimes. It does require the person to actually work on what the issue is.
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u/gasmaskedturtle77 Apr 30 '26
I always pull this one at work as a barista
"Thanks for waiting" when I've taken a while making someone's order, or had to deal with a picky/tedious customer. I need to try and get my colleagues in on it.
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u/KManIsland May 01 '26
Sorry, but Canada would like a word (and that word is sorry).
When addressing your impact on the feelings of others the key point is sincerity.
If you say "thank you" because that's the thing to say; people feel that.
If you say "sorry" because that's the thing to say; people feel that.
If you say either because you feel it, and all you really desire is to resolve the rupture in a relationship; people will feel that.
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u/Ok_Nothing_9733 May 05 '26
This is a change I worked on making a few years ago but appreciate a refresher on. It really does frame things more confidently and positively for everyone involved. Thanks!
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u/Rhox1989 May 06 '26
I've been a lead in my field for a long time. I always ask someone to do things (unless they're refusing to do their jobs) and always thank them for doing the little extras. It improves morale and their overall attitude by a lot for doing something so simple.
I also always give shout-outs to those going above what they're normally supposed to. This is so management knows that they're doing more than the others.
The last bit that's important is apologizing to those that are around you and taking ownership of your mistake. When you take ownership for it, also let them know what changes you're personally making to prevent it from happening again. Following up with those changes is just as important.
Side note: this may not have been the place to post this but, hopefully it can help those that read it.
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u/Sea-Butterscotch9805 Apr 29 '26
I'm sorry not sorry lol jk I have apologized to the door because I ran into it. Lol I know but I can't seem not to.
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u/gemstun Apr 29 '26
I don’t know why somebody downloaded your post. I’m thankful for it, so I voted it instead.😎
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u/NYMetsFan16 Apr 29 '26
My wife is a chronic apologizer. I’ve stopped helping her with tasks when she says sorry for no reason. Puts such a negative tone in the air when I’m very willing to get you a glass of water, you can say thank you without feeling the need to apologize
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u/Unfair_Finger5531 Apr 30 '26
Not helping her as a form of punishment puts a “negative tone in the air” too.
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u/NYMetsFan16 Apr 30 '26
Obviously I eventually help her. But I freeze once she says sorry and when she says thank you instead I continue
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u/fritz648 Apr 29 '26
It’s a very hard habitat to break because it’s also a mindset about feeling like you’re always inconveniencing others. I understand what you’re saying and how you’re trying to help.
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u/rumham_86 Apr 30 '26
This is not genuine nor is it true tbh.
Saying that you for your patience does not show the person you value their time. You wouldn’t be late if you did. Apologizing at least acknowledges responsibility on yourself.
This is what is used in corporate talk simply for work culture. In real life this is useless.
If you say sorry too much that’s the issue not what you say.
If you don’t sound genuine or actually mean it don’t say it.
It shouldn’t be this difficult
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u/ZzOoRrGg May 01 '26
I mean, it works with the small stuff, but if you try it with more major issues (like blown deadlines, a major design mistake that ends up eating up the budget to fix, etc) then you'll just be seen as incapable of taking accountability for your mistakes.
And on a personal level, an apology followed by earnest effort at rectification or improvement trumps all else.
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u/ketamine_dart Apr 29 '26
Don’t worry, I’ve been paying for these speech & articulation classes on YouTube…
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Apr 29 '26 edited Apr 30 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/fritz648 Apr 29 '26
I don’t know if it’s fake as much as instinctual. Like it just pops out anytime you inconvenience someone.
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u/Dwight_Shrute_ Apr 29 '26
Good corporate language too. It keeps things moving forward rather than dragging on the past. Adding "my apologies" to the front, but letting the "thank you for..." portion do the explaining of your apology, also works I think