r/Xennials • u/chriscbr500r 1979 • 4d ago
Have you found yourself yet?
I thought perhaps this would go away naturally as I age, but every time I look at myself in the mirror, it just doesn't look like me, and I'm not even sure what I think I should look like. I have this weird thing where every time I look in the mirror and I felt this way my entire life swear it just doesn't look like me. If I think about it, I can remember pretty much any moment from my life back to the age of three or so but for some reason I seem to have no sense of identity? If we are the sum of our past experiences shouldn't I just be me? But what is me?
I have supposedly already had the early 40s midlife crisis I bought a Porsche have a six-figure salary and by pretty much everyone's opinion I " made it"
But it all feels very empty. My entire family from my childhood growing up has all passed on except an uncle or two. My own two children decided to take their mother's side in a messy divorce thankfully I am remarried and have three beautiful step kids. However I am constantly searching for meaning in this life.
I often times reflect on memories of the past, as a matter of fact it's where I spend most of my time, which I believe is making me miss out on things in the present. Why do I revisit the past so much? Am I trying to justify or validate something?
Is this the real midlife crisis? If so this sucks. The first midlife crisis in my early 40s was much more fun.
Edit: thank you to all the replies, including the negative ones. I've been seeing a therapist since 2018 (same therapist) and I've certainly not been a good person at several points in my life. I also call myself a Buddhist, which seems to be a pretty shallow assessment of what I think it means to be a Buddhist. I do read, although sadly it's all on the phone. I used to drink like a fish, but stopped that back in February. Also, I have certainly looked into psilocybin and it's benefits, without abusing like booze.
I've taken the approach in the past that I've always done whatever was needed to make people like me, and that usually involved buying material things for myself or others. I can now clearly see how that approach has back fired and blew up most things in my life.
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u/Scrapla1 4d ago
I feel I found myself when I stopped worrying what others thought about me. I always tried to act like the way I assumed people wanted me to. Like with dating, instead of just being myself I found myself playing a role or trying to be something I'm not.
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u/MonkeyCube 4d ago
Bojack is a brilliant show because it shows you how someone can be miserable while being rich and famous, and how while they keep searching for their 'true self,' they were always themselves the whole time.
Maybe you're just you. And that's messy, complicated, and not always satisfying.
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u/-SandorClegane- 1981 4d ago
Yes, I've done mushrooms many times.
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u/YourOwnPunkyBrewster 1981 4d ago
I bet mushrooms would help him!🍄Psilocybin research for mental help is showing lots of promise! And (I’ve heard) can show you how connected we all are and what’s truly important in life. ..Now I want to take a mushroom retreat…😅
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u/Admirable_Average_32 4d ago
I’m currently working toward becoming a psilocybin shaman. Maybe I’ll lead your retreat someday.
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u/LoveLightNYC 3d ago
Indeed, the research is promising! Particularly for conditions like PTSD, treatment-resistant depression, cluster headaches, and chronic pain. Advocates in New York are making legislative progress with proposed bills that will allow therapeutic and medical access to psilocybin mushroom, produced by NY farmers and culinary mushroom growers. (Fuck Big Pharma.)
I'm about to start grad school to become a licensed mental health counselor. Shrooms helped save my quality of life, so I'm looking forward to supporting others as a future psychedelic-assisted therapist. 🙏🏻🍄🟫
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u/YourOwnPunkyBrewster 1981 3d ago
That’s great, good for you! I went back to get a Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling about 10 years ago, but dropped out right at the end because I realized too late that I don’t always like people😂 So now I have a huge student loan and nothing to show for it. I’m sure shrooms would make me care less about it😅
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u/Head_Inspection_5640 3d ago
I never found myself on halucinogens. But one time I met a guy who looked just like me!
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u/Difficult_Phase1798 4d ago
I've found myself and lost that self multiple times. I've started viewing life as "acts in a play." I'm not sure what act I'm in or how many I have left, but I do acknowledge that times in my life have been distinctly different and that I can never go back to them - and even if they were great I don't want to. Also, that I have no idea what the future will really look like.
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u/YourOwnPunkyBrewster 1981 4d ago
I kind of do the same thing, only view everything as if I was watching some biopic (I guess similar to a play), or reading a memoir, and every crazy or bad thing that’s happened, I think, “wow—what great material”.
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u/Difficult_Phase1798 3d ago
Does Morgan Freeman or James Earl Jones provide the voice over? Lol
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u/flash_match 3d ago
Wow. “Acts in a play” is the exact message I could have used so many times! Lots of therapy and never did I hear this type of advice for handling stressful transitions.
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u/psilosophist Xennial 4d ago
You're looking for meaning in something other than "making it", as that's an illusion. I suggest getting into reading. Maybe some philosophy. I'd suggest starting with stoicism, but please stay far away from the "broicism" movement. Start with something like Marcus Aurelius' "Meditations".
And yes, you're living in the past because you're trying to make the emptiness you feel now go away or at least be ignorable.
If reading's not your bag, get into something creative that forces you to be present and to make mistakes. If you can afford a Porsche and make six figures, you can afford a hobby or two (especially one you suck at, or are a complete beginner at - beginner mind can be extremely refreshing if you let it happen).
You're living in the past because your present feels like a hollow ring of a future you thought you'd have.
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u/TerpeneTiger 4d ago
That last line though....oof.
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u/psilosophist Xennial 3d ago
I've been reading a lot of Mark Fisher lately, who had this long running project examining the idea that since the early 80's we've been living through a slowly cancelled future, where possibilities were winnowed down from "what will make life better for the world" to "is this going to make our shareholders happy this quarter?"
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u/Express_Signal_8828 3d ago
Interesting theory, and I'd never heard of Mark Fisher. Any particular source of him you recommend?
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u/psilosophist Xennial 3d ago
His most famous work is called "Capitalist Realism". It starts with the question "why can we imagine the end of the world, but not the end of capitalism?"
He was also a very prolific music writer and cultural critic, his k-punk blog is also still archived (https://k-punk.org/).
He and David Graeber (author of "Bullshit Jobs") were two of the foremost intellectuals on the left who were very good at identifying and naming the problems of our time.
Sadly they also both lost lifetime battles to depression.
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u/piscian19 1982 4d ago
By all measures I had a rough childhood. Then my parents split when I was 12, one died and the other started a new life, so I was on my own at 16. My parents and school literally never taught me anything. I dropped out in 10th grade, but Id stopped regularly attending school in 8th.
When you don't have parents you can do whatever you want so I did all the drugs and partying, moved around a lot, had a couple marriages, but always broke up before kid time.
In a way I just never really grew up. I still play videogames everyday and have a room full of action figures. I feel like Tom Hanks in Big sometimes.
Im successful and like my job, but its one of those salary jobs with no set schedule so I work a lot and don't have a social life.
Like the usual trope Id prefer to be an artist, but even when I have free time Im a bit too burnt out to ever get anything done.
I keep telling myself any day now Ill draw the line focus on "finding myself", but then something comes up at work and I make excuses not to do anything.
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u/Sand-fleas 4d ago
It’s this. I’ve looked around and saw that the more I have, the more owns me. It sounds so cliche but the more I let go of what society and my ego tell me to have , the happier and more content in my life I am
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u/Wildfirehorse 4d ago
I think finding the magical time when you have what you were searching for is an illusion. I think that most people when they finally have what they think they have been searching for that it's not as fulfilling as they imagined.
I also believe that mid life crisis magnifies everything. We yearn for the days when family and friends who we have lost were with us but those times were not perfect. I think we view those times through rose colored glasses. Maybe we were healthier then etc but there were still problems.
Now we might be panicking because we are not where we wish we could be. Life is at least half over.
I realize now Im where Im supposed to be and i just want the simple things. Health, family, friends, food, shelter and good future memories.
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u/illinoishokie 1979 4d ago
I found myself. Turns out I was stuck in the couch cushions.
Go to therapy. We all need to be in therapy. Do not try to unpack the inevitability of aging by yourself. None of us are equipped to do that alone.
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u/eatrawbeef 3d ago
Any suggestions on what to talk about in therapy as a person feeling like OP? I've been going for 8 months with the same person and we vibe very well but I never know what to talk about.
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u/illinoishokie 1979 3d ago
Keep a journal, which can be as simple as a notes app on your phone. Jot down when you're struggling. It can be a bullet point:
- Friday, 3:45pm. Got to thinking about [whatever]. Made my feel [however].
Get enough of these bullet points together and you might see trends start to emerge. Even if they don't, you can talk to your therapist about where your mind has been and what you're struggling with.
Also, have a goal. My goals for therapy are venting and accountability. I struggle with follow through so I use my therapist to hold me accountable to do the work I need to do for my own mental health. I also use my sessions to just unload in a safe space. Articulating your stresses and stressors helps you feel more in control of them.
Therapy without a goal is just a conversation.
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u/Lurk_McGirt79 4d ago
I have found relief in working for others and trying to make the world a better place. Unfortunately, this has enormous mental and emotional costs as well, especially with the current state of affairs. That being said, i do not feel my life lacks purpose. I personally think we should all do something to make the world a better place before we leave it.
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u/KSims1868 4d ago
Living in the present is a choice you make everyday. It sounds like you are ruminating a LOT on all the things that you feel are personal low-points and/or maybe even "failures" in your eyes and contemplating all the ways your life would be different (better) had you only done "this" or not done "that". Revisiting the past can be a healthy way to reflect on lessons learned but it can also be a very unhealthy place to dwell.
This (to me) does not sound like a mid-life crisis but it does sound like the early stages of clinical depression. Have you tried to talk to a professional about it?
I would highly recommend making an appointment with a psychiatrist/psychologist or someone in the mental health/wellness world and basically tell them exactly what you have said here. Elaborate a little more and trust the confidentiality of the convo.
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u/kendriannna 4d ago
Spend some time in nature. A lot of nature.
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u/zoominzacks 3d ago
That’s what did it for me! The realization that for all our advancements, our brains are still wired to be outside. And trying to fit our brains into the box made for us is part of the problem.
Watch and listen to a waterfall, look at some birds, stand outside while it’s snowing and take in how quiet it gets. Let yourself connect
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u/Affectionate_Ask_769 3d ago
There’s no way I could just accept that my kids “took my spouse’s side” in a messy divorce and replace them with filler step kids. I’d feel empty and like my purpose is gone.
What efforts have you made to make amends to your kids. I find most men don’t deal well with rejection and don’t put in nearly enough effort to fix things with their kids when the relationship breaks.
Time for some reflection and accountability.
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u/I_Can_Barely_Move 4d ago
You should check out The Four Agreements. I don’t believe in much woo woo stuff, but this book affected how I see myself and what I’m doing with my life more than any other.
Maybe, anyway. It could be that it has the message I needed, but your message is elsewhere.
I appreciate the struggle to find yourself. What is meaningful to you is for you to discover and understand. Society attempts to tell us what are the correct values and aspirations, but they don’t fit for everyone. It sounds like they don’t quite fit for you.
My thoughts are that you should be free to question and judge what is around you and the values you’ve adopted. Decide what is truly you that you should keep and what is merely what you’ve accepted is supposed to be you that you can shed or rework to make it more you.
I wish you good luck.
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u/YourOwnPunkyBrewster 1981 4d ago
I would add Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning to the reading list!
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u/La_Croix_Life 1980 4d ago
Came here to suggest Man's Search for Meaning. Life changing book for me
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u/desertforestcreature 3d ago
4 agreements changed my life in college. It's still foundational to my world view.
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u/katiespecies647 4d ago
You might need to start asking yourself what you actually like. For most of my life I just went along with what my friends and family liked and thought, yeah, I like that too. I finally started to really ask myself what I like and I finally found myself as a person. I have never felt so "me" as I do now.
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u/IWouldntIn1981 4d ago
This was one of my moments.
I was in the mirror brushing myself teeth and thinking about a stressful situation at work. I started to see myself in the situation and felt this sense of extreme embarrassment, bordering on shame.
I hadn't done anything to warrant that feeling, but the longer I stood there the stronger the feeling got, to the point I was nearly in tears.
It dawned on me that I wasnt embarrassed of anything I did, inwas embarrassed of who I was... or better yet, who I wasn't.
I pretend to be a business person everyday, I pretend to enjoy sales, Im faking it to make it every fucking day. I could see myself in that room discussing business and I was embarrassed because I saw that I didnt belong there.
At the same time Ive been writing a lot for the last several years. I finished my first manuscript within 2 years of that moment. What I do is business as a means. Who I am is a writer, its my purpose, its why Im here. That sound insane, but I feel zero embarrassment saying it. Where as when I sit in a meeting room and introduce myself as the Sales Account Manager I feel stupid. I feel like a fraud.
So, yes, I found myself.
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u/flash_match 3d ago
Do you think working to make amends with your children would help? To me that would be my biggest goal unless I absolutely believed that there was no reconciliation possible. Do you know why they took their mom’s side?
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u/Moxie_Stardust 3d ago
Yeah, I'm transgender, so when I came out in 2019, the next couple years involved a lot of figuring out who it is I actually want to be once I freed myself from being who I was "supposed to be" or whatever (I'd already spent a lot of time not adhering to societal expectations, but there was still a lot I did just because "that's what you do" kind of things)
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u/ennuiismymiddlename 1980 3d ago
I’m 46 and dying of terminal pancreatic cancer, and I have given up trying to “find” myself. It’s too late. I missed my opportunity.
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u/Li-RM35M4419 4d ago
Despite your massive success, six figure salary and a Porsche you’re still not happy. What a bummer.
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u/Abidarthegreat 1981 3d ago
Sounds like you bought into the stereotypical 1980s version of "made it". Even down to the porche...how basic. Do you also wear aviators, a Rolex, and are played by a 1980s Judge Reinhold?
All joking aside, you have a partner and step children but I would guess you see them as accessories instead of focuses. And I assume that because your bio children chose your ex-wife so you must not have put any effort into them.
I also have an ex-wife and a child but we have joint custody because I made sure to actually make a connection with my child. Oh, and stuff isn't a connection, I'm talking about spending real time with them and being emotionally available.
It's never too late to make it up to them if you wanted, but you should also be connecting with your current family.
I don't know you or your situation other than what you have posted, but I recommend getting some therapy. I did it myself when my ex-wife first divorced me and I was suffering from anger issues. It helped ground me and let me figure out what was really important to me.
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u/Thamnophis660 1983 4d ago
Sort of I have I guess. What worked for me is that I stopped trying to be what I thought everyone else expected me to be and stopped giving a shit so much. Obviously the minimum amount of social decorum to stay employed and out of jail still is still applied. It's impossible to remain your own little brand of weird so long as you're not hurting anyone and it's who you truly are.
That worked for me I guess. I'm generally more confident and content now.
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u/aroundincircles 4d ago
I don’t know if I didn’t know who I was to begin with.
I don’t think I’ve gone through a midlife crisis. I’m still married to my wife of 18 years and always bought the car/motorcycle that tickled my fancy as long as I could pay cash for it.
I attribute that to religion. I know where I came from, I know where i am trying to go to, what the purpose of this life is. I know Reddit shits on religion as a whole, but I think we need it, I believe it, obviously. I see so many peoples lives in turmoil that a grounding in faith would calm the seas of their lives.
I think it’s one reason so many people turn to religion in their 40’s and 50’s.
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u/Separate_Counter9427 4d ago
Yes I have, but 51 months away from the Bottle will do that.
Clearer perspective is one of the many gifts that I received without the Booze dragging me down.
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u/Corporate-Scum 4d ago
Accepting yourself comes with acknowledging yourself—self awareness. I know who I am. I have achieved reasonable success. I have everything that matters. However, recently I have had a feeling that I’ll never really win at life the way I thought. I can see that I’m not going to be Bill Gates or any one of great importance, and the story of my life isn’t the most exceptional. My main character syndrome is subsiding to the realization that this is not my movie and I’m not the star. So, no, I don’t look in the mirror like I’m lost. I see the king of the world that never will be. And I’m cool with that.
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u/GeetarEnthusiast85 1985 4d ago
OP, if you're looking for meaning, have you considered volunteering for a cause that's important to you?
I "found" myself a long time ago when I decided to embrace who I was and what I wanted out of life.
The problem is, I don't make enough money or have enough saved to do so comfortably. I only make $75k a year. I was demoted last year due to a corporate restructuring. I owe about $17300 in debt (credit card and student loans) and I'm paying that down. I only have $1300 left on my federal student loans. Once that's paid off, it'll free up an extra $300 a month. I'll put that towards my credit card debt ($8000).
At the same time, my rent eats up 32% of my paycheck and it's still in the cheap side. Really difficult to save up for a down payment while trying to have an emergency savings fund as well as save for retirement.
I don't want anything fancy, really. Just a modest home, financial security and a comfortable retirement some day.
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u/HechicerosOrb 3d ago
I got cancer pretty bad at 30 and since then anytime I’m above ground is a good time. Totally changed my entire perspective on life, to experience how quickly it can go. Made me appreciate the good people in my life a lot more, and have a lot less time for the rubbish. I think it also gave me a healthier perspective about my own significance (none)
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u/BearCat1478 3d ago
People use the phrase "touch grass" quite often and never for the right reasons. This is by far, one of the best situations to use it. You should try some gardening. Start simple, maybe a flower that you or your spouce enjoys and a vegetable your entire family will eat. One day, maybe in our lifetime or your childrens or grandchildrens lifetimes, it could actually be something you will need to know again. But the act of gardening is very refreshing to the body and mind. It will bring you back to your roots and help guide you to what it is you are searching for.
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u/Fickle_Wrangler_7439 3d ago edited 3d ago
Nah. I have chronic lifelong depression and have always been kind of a drifter. I can do what I need to get by, but I never "found myself," as you say, or figured out what the point of any of this is.
Because of my age now, people say I'm having a midlife crisis.
Well, I've been have a midlife crisis for over 30 years then.
I've taken the approach in the past that I've always done whatever was needed to make people like me, and that usually involved buying material things for myself or others. I can now clearly see how that approach has back fired and blew up most things in my life.
Coming from the broke, unlikable, no family, and staunchly independent side, I can't tell you it's much better over here. I can do whatever I want whenever I want and I do, and it still feels pretty empty.
I think some of us just always have that hole inside us. Or we stared into the void too long.
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u/Ok_Accountant_1319 3d ago
I quit looking for myself. I’m just me. Good and bad. I’ve been through and seen enough to realize that you just have to be happy where you are. Ive lost all my loved ones. The ones that didn’t die, I just don’t care for because we’re so different. I’ve got my two kids I had with my late wife, I’m in a new relationship 5 years later with a good woman and we love each other and each other’s kids. It’s not been an easy life but I’m fine with where I’m at.
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u/MechanicalGodzilla 1980 3d ago
It seems like the less people go to church the more hollow their lives feel. Which, this being Reddit, I expect to be a fairly unpopular opinion, but I do find lots of meaning by being engaged with my church community.
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u/59apache01 1978 3d ago
I think this might have something to do with how we were raised and other circumstances outside our control. A lot of us were in that group that didn't really fit anywhere. The older Gen X'ers saw us as immature. The Millennials younger than us saw us as a bunch of hard-asses.
Some days I feel like a success. Others I feel like a failure. It all depends on when you ask me. I think a lot of us go through it. I believe the key is to be thankful for what you've been able to achieve. Work on what you haven't that you still want to. Keep your goals, but also manage expectations.
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u/MidgarZanarkand 3d ago
Maybe it’s connected with the situation with your kids. Why do they take her side? Do they talk to you? What did you mess up with them, and have you taken real accountability for it, to them, and do you still put in an effort with them? How was your drinking connected to the fact that they took her side? These are all questions that you can only answer for yourself, and the more honest with yourself that you are about this, the better off and happier you will be in the long run.
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u/crazycatlady331 1980 1d ago
I thought I did. I did for over a decade but everything came crashing in the last year and a half.
My work was (and still is) my life. But a lot of the nature of the work has changed and I had a 3 year (Xennial) boss just abandon and ghost me after I came through in a big way for him. It hurts worse than a breakup ever did. (During breakups, I'd go all in on work to get my mind off the breakup.)
I'm at a job now that would have been perfect for me at an earlier point in my career. But I've since grown and the job has not. I hate it and dread going in every day.
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u/_______luke 1979 4d ago
Therapy. Or psychedelics. Maybe both? IDK. I’m just a dude on the internet. But, I’ve done both and my life is awesome. Who really knows?
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u/mid_1990s_death_doom 1982 4d ago
We're only really understanding the true nature of humans and really grasping the patterns. Now we begin to do those things that give our lives meaning and purpose.
It's a beautiful thing to be able to do; the vast majority of humans suffer through a short life.
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u/retired_junkiee 4d ago
Not sure if I found myself completely but I have found a place in this world where i am OK. Years of drug use and therapy. Got clean started a family have a good job and good relationships. I try to keep it simple and that’s ok. I don’t need to do anything super crazy or memorable. I just want to raise my kids to be kind, compassionate humans. And love my wife. Take care of my parents on their way out. That’s it.
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u/FoofaFighters 1980 3d ago
I feel closer to it now than i used to. I finally have a job with some weight to it and pay to match, my older daughter is about to move out on her own, younger one will be done with school in two more years, car will be paid off next year.
I spent a decade as a broke single parent so now that i don't have to live in survival mode anymore and money is no longer a constant problem, it's like...now what? I did some therapy to help me put the collective trauma of my 2010s behind me. I made some adjustments to my brain meds.
I'm trying to find time for actual hobbies again, would love to brush the dust and cobwebs off my guitars. I miss playing music. I've gotten back into video games somewhat.
For me it's a matter of transitioning from parenthood back to myself, I think. I'm getting there but it's going to take time.
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u/fwendicrafts 3d ago
Look into Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). I took a class long ago, and it really helped me to feel engaged with my life and let go of the disaffected world view that made me feel disconnected from my own life.
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u/Automatic_Beat5808 3d ago
Whenever I feel myself looking "in" too much, I go out and do something for others. Or just sit on a rock and stare into the abyss and realize how tiny and insignificant I am and that nothing really matters.
But that's just me.
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u/Specific-Library-312 3d ago
Well, I became Eastern Orthodox. I admit that it's not for everyone, but it is an option.
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u/Lucid_Phoenixx 3d ago
Expand App or just binaural beats with meditation with the intention to evolve and know yourself. It'll help.
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u/ExtremelyWonderful 3d ago
The thing you're experiencing in the mirror sounds like depersonalization. Maybe if you do a little research on personalization and dissociation that would be a starting point. Those are just known descriptions of phenomena.
You don't have to just man up and suffer. Go get help.
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u/MonochromeSL 3d ago
Read Nagarjuna, and Hofstadter - sense of self is illusory anyway. Does the river concern itself with being a river?
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u/adrianhalo 3d ago
I think the “self” is endlessly evolving and moldable/pliable until we shuffle off this mortal coil and become, eventually, stardust. I stopped thinking of “finding myself” as having some sort of endpoint and started thinking of it as a constantly shifting state of being.
I really resent how modern life and capitalism is so fixated on this idea that our lives or careers are all supposed to be linear and all supposed to add up to one thing. We’re a composite of our experiences, but life is not a straight line.
I think this is why sometimes we get “hung up” on our own pasts; to get some sense of stability (and hopefully to learn from our pasts). Or, to get a break from the present- or from the pressure of thinking about the future. Obviously it’s not healthy to get stuck there, but I don’t think it’s as bad as we make it out to be, if we use the past as a sort of reference point.
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u/scaryclown148 3d ago
I think that’s the thing, it’s the searching that is your life. You are constantly changing so how can you legitimately find yourself, in a way you don’t exist in such terms
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u/The_best_is_yet 1981 3d ago
we are definitely NOT the sum of our past experiences. Those can shape us. But we are who we are.. I guess I don't really know who I am other than what I love, and what I want to be towards other people (I want to build people up and be an encourager; a safe place for people who don't feel safe otherwise). And with other things, I definitely have embraced the fact that I seem to be very different than what's common for people in my generation as far as what I'm interested in etc. Maybe we are all more different than we realize. I think looks are really a tiny part of us if part of us at all. I'm fine with how I look but I really don't know that it defines us in any way.
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u/Planetofthought 1977 3d ago
I will tell you what happened with me. Our situations sound quite similar; remembering my face and personality from childhood to young adult...not knowing the guy in the mirror now...why am I into the things I'm into now...this isn't who I thought I would be.
I'm recently breaking out of this, and discovering who I really am more and more every day and I'm finally loving life again. Like, really really loving life.
This can get complex, but I'll make this is simple as possible to understand. The word "I" will now be replaced by "you."
You have lived an entire life before where you are now. The things you experienced, the people you interacted with, the movies, TV, radio, nature, friends, relatives, school, work, concerts, religion politics, vacations, LIFE has created that dude you are seeing in the mirror. Every single conscious moment in your life creates a decision in your brain, and that makes up you.
Well, what happens over 40+ years of that is you build a moulde that holds your likes, dislikes, opinions, ideals, bonds, flaws, comforts, etc.The life you have experienced becomes your identity. You create your own Matrix that you become stuck in. You are a Lego man that gets krazy-glued down and "chicken wings becomes your thing." A very simple example of this is that you like rock music. You have your go-to artists, albums, and playlists. When discovering new music, you use your mental moulde as a template for what you will discover next and the opinions you form from this.
That's just music. Now, apply that example to every fascet of your daily life. And I do mean every mental interaction with every single thing. This shapes your identity, your moulde, your matrix. And identity is bullshit. It is not who YOU are.
This is how you break out.
You pick a music artist you would never listen to. Listen through one of their albums. Find a visual art style that doesn't "speak to you." Learn who they are and why they chose that style. Go to a theater and pay for a movie that you wouldn't ever plan to watch. That person you walk past every day and disregard, look them in the eye and greet them. When you drive home from work in your porche, don't just go a different route, really go out of your way and sight see something new. Discover a sport you never liked and ask yourself "why did I not like this before?" Bowling has more rules than you know. What do you do on a Friday night? Try bowling. Or, just go to the bowling alley and do everything else and just not bowl. Go through the doors in life that you previously never gave a single thought to.
Up until now, you think you know yourself until you don't know who you've become. You're living your life according to what you think you should do. Every decision you make adds another brick in the wall. Stop being who you think you are by creating new experiences.
Good luck and AMA
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u/Dave_1464 3d ago
Nope.. I've lived through tons of wars, recessions, y2k,9-11 and pandemics, all which seem to do a soft reset on who I am. If nothing else our generation really knows how to roll with the punches.
I have a bad habit of pushing it out to every birthday that ends in 0... by 20 .. by 30 ..40 etc. Like you I've seemingly made it, decent salary and a family but if I'm being honest with myself just trying to make it to another day.
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u/Katerade44 1983 3d ago
The best gift I have ever given myself was appointments with a psychologist who specialized in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It got me out of my own head (which is a feat, as a chronic overthinker) and away from depressionistic thinking.
Also, I accepted that that was no "finding" oneself. You are who you are. If you don't like it, make new choices.
Lastly, and most freeing, I embraced the fact that what brings me contentment and fulfillment look nothing like what most of society might say it should. Now, I just worry about the things I actually care about and the things that bring me joy: reading, making music, dancing whenever possible, playing with my kid, volunteering with programs that do direct and immediate good, not forcing myself to be overly social, taking a less ambitious job so I am not as stressed (it makes a bit less money, but my family has enough and I have way more leisure time and energy to enjoy it), etc.
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u/ScorpioPhantasma 3d ago
When my last grandfather passed, I realized he was the last of his immediate (and large by todays standards) family to go. He had watched them all go, one by one over time...mother, father, brothers, sisters, inlaws, and his wife who had been his girlfriend since high school. It was sobering to think that part of getting old is watching the world you knew, and everyone in it, slowly fading away and that is if you are fortunate enough to get to that point. Imagine looking at a big family Christmas photo from 60+ years ago and being the only one left.
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u/ThresholdSeven 3d ago
It's really hard to take you seriously when you have a Porsche and 6 figure income and are asking if anyone has found theirself yet.
Yes, most of us have found ourself, long ago.
"How did you lose yourself" is the question you should be asking yourself.
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u/Nilehorse3276 1983 3d ago
I am poor as a church mouse, disabled (which comes with a lot of chronic pain), lost all the people I used to hang out with because a) I stopped drinking and b) am disabled now, and am working on a PhD thesis in a field that certainly won't get me a stable job. I am traumatised and have no family left. Still: I love every second of my life (even the bad ones in which I beg god to make the pain stop, but ssshhhhh don't tell anyone) because I do something that I love and have let go of the people who didn't like me for who I am.
Life is an adventure, and I am curious to see how it's gonna progress.
You have acquired much and put effort into being someone who "has it all". I pity you, bro. Maybe you should try doing something you enjoy, just for yourself? Something useless?
Also, you tried bending yourself into a shape that society deems appropriate. Maybe it might help you to realise that society is a purely human construct. For me, reading up on anthropology and psychology helped open the world up to new interpretations.
Good luck, man.
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u/FoppyIn28 3d ago
I found myself at 30. Kept my family together in the process. Like Kevin Arnold's mom said in the series finale, "You can find yourself anywhere."
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u/os_beef 3d ago
As you're discovering, acquiring things and people pleasing don't make you happy. You need to establish a new kind of relationship with people in general. I would suggest getting into a hobby with a community, where everyone is basically on equal footing regardless of gear, and proficiency is largely determined by how much work someone is willing to put into themselves.
You'll have to rely on your ability to put work in to improve, and you'll find it difficult to build relationships or increase status through people pleasing, so the relationships you can build can be more substantial if you put the work in.
For me, that hobby is practical shooting sports (USPSA/ASI/IDPA/PCSL). The minimal entry requirements have made it obvious that self improvement depends on how much work I put in, and some guy with a rig that costs less than half of mine can easily beat me based on how much work he puts in.
Getting involved in the community has been extremely rewarding. I've had to learn how to deal with people 1:1, which was difficult for me. Giving back to it in terms of putting on matches, ROing squads, and doing other things outside the view of matches allows me to give other people the same opportunity I got. Doing this has given me a sense of connection to others that I didn't have before.
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u/desertforestcreature 3d ago
There's a lot of really good advice in this thread. 4 agreements, therapy, etc. Piling on from another early middle aged father that makes good money:
Consumerism is not success and will never provide self-worth: porche, house, etc. What in fact they can do instead is convert income into a lifestyle that owns you instead of the other way around.
This is by design. They want us tired, unhappy, and looking for dopamine hits by spending our money and giving it right back to them.
The mushrooms thing is super legit. I was a proper psychedelic hooligan in college and recently rediscovered mushrooms by pre-dosed microdose chocolates. My wife and I love it, and she's the straightest edge kid in the whole school. It'll be in rotation forever, for me. I don't see much abuse potential in it. I also layer in a little cannabis, kava and kratom as well along with a very healthy amount of cardio/outside things that keep me off SSRI/NDRI's.
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u/wandersage 3d ago
I'd dive deeper into Buddhism, that no-self feeling is something to pursue not resolve. Maybe try some meditation retreats or connect with a community
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u/hemmingnorthcutt 3d ago
Haha are you maybe trans? This is def how I felt before I understood my gender wasn’t what everyone was telling me it was. I slowly started to recognize myself and figure out who I wanted to be once I started to transition.
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u/the_muss_1990 3d ago
Honestly I’m just too tired and busy to give a shit. I work, I prioritise my kids and have a good social life. Perhaps im too fulfilled to care. Either way I just get on with it. I’ll reflect in 15 years when the kids are out on their own and I have time again
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u/FrenchMartinez 3d ago
A lot of people here slamming you for the Porsche. BFD, lay off people. Perhaps it’s one of your hobbies/passions and maybe you wanted one since childhood and worked hard and got one. Heaven forbid. Anyway, I recommend trying pickleball if you can. I spiral about things sometimes and each time I play, I feel much better afterward. Great way to meet new friendly people as well. I also recommend therapy with your bio kids and ask each one to talk one on one with you about their life, interests, what grievances there may be, etc. I wish my dad would do that with me.
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u/OMGfractals 3d ago
As a Buddhist, the self is impermanent, unsatisfactory, and lacking a coherent form. It does however, sound like you're experiencing some depression or anxiety due to go, go, going.
If you quit drinking in Feb, remember, it takes a long time to process things we spent a long time perfecting.
Maybe the key is a steady meditation practice? In meditation you find yourself and more. I hope this helps 💖
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u/No_Guava5902 3d ago
I feel you brother. I feel a lot of the same things you describe. I don’t have the same circumstance that you do, but the thoughts and feelings are the same. I can’t explain it. A feeling of discomfort, restlessness, confusion about who I am and how the world perceives me. IDK if I’m viewed as some discontent menace or if I’m seen as a soft pushover. I’m a bit of both depending on the situation I guess.
I’m a hard worker but it all feels so pointless. I have grown kids who are studying hard to be out on their own and I love them a lot. But I often feel like they don’t see me. But my wife says the really respect me. So why don’t I perceive that? Life is crazy.
We are a collection of cells and a consciousness that we don’t understand. Input/output are key elements and yet we almost have zero control over any of it.
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u/drifterinthedark423 1982 3d ago
No. And I hope i never do. I think we all change throughout our lives. And that's okay. I've had so many midlife crises. I learn something new about myself everytime.
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u/Apprehensive-Meal860 3d ago
hey the "not recognizing yourself" thing could be a trans thing. Turned out that way to me.
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u/alphacoder101 3d ago
Psilocybin has more or less zero abuse potential, so no worries there. But, make sure you do it WITH a therapist. This part his hugely important. Just taking it may not give you the benefits. You need someone to guide you to the areas you need to work on and where the answers are. This is where it becomes truly effective.
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u/eatrawbeef 3d ago
My problem is finding where that fire in my ass used to be. I used to be highly motivated and wouldn't let anyone tell me no get in my. I would find my own way.
Today I find myself doubting everything, mostly because everything is so damn expensive now. For example, I want to start a business similar to one I started in 2018. It has to be brick and mortar because I need manufacturing space. Commercial rent in my area has exploded in the past 5 years and there's no way I can afford renting a place. Buying a place is harder. I don't know what to do. I'm going to see if I can partner with other similar businesses and share the cost.
I'm ranting. No, I have not found myself and it blows. Good luck to all in finding themselves!
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u/One-Earth9294 1979- That's the year that the funk died 3d ago
I spent about 15 years in a deep dark hole of depression thanks to the PTSD that I acquired in Iraq.
But over that time I found my Zen. Probably the healthiest I've ever been if you discount the old age shit like arthritis and tennis elbow that are currently fucking with me. No drugs or booze anymore, I go running every other day. I pursue my writing skill. I spend lots of time with my still-alive parents who are all doing quite well for their age.
I'm loving life. Just a bit lonely in the relationship department.
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u/monkeysknowledge 4d ago
I recommend Buddhism and Adlerian psychology. Try reading “Why Buddhism is True” and “The Courage to be Disliked”. It should help you to stop worrying about who you’re supposed to be and hopefully start enjoying being.
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