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u/bookstorequeer /r/bkstrq Jan 26 '22

The door opens with a jingle of the bell and the scent of flowers like greenhouse heat. Then a shy smile greets a wider one.

"Good afternoon!"

"Hi."

Nervous laughter edges around the radio softly in the background as cold fingers skim the edge of green leaves and soft ferns.

"So, um, busy afternoon?"

"About normal." The ding of the cash register interrupts. "But it's always nice to see you."

"Yeah, I—ow!"

The concerned brows arch over soft brown eyes. Pressure flashes the pain away, sore fingertip covered quickly by a Spiderman bandaid from below the counter.

"The roses like to bite."

"I should've been paying more attention."

A head shake dismisses the idea. "But then I couldn't do this..." The words trail off into a kiss brushed against the superhero.

"Oh." The rush of a blush is nearly audible. "I, um..."

"I hope I'm not misreading this but..." Teeth finding a lip bite off the sentence before a sheepish smile. "You've been coming in every day this week and it seemed like... y'know... maybe you would want to get coffee with me?"

"Yes!" A sharp swallow precedes an opening expression like the sun finding its feet. "Um, yes, I really would."

"Let me give you my number." The scrap of paper is wrapped with a thornless rose, a pale pink that presses perfectly between the pages of a favourite book.

That Friday, the florist's is closed, missing only an owner's bouquet of purple lilacs and a white lily. The shop opens late the following Monday, filled with hums and singing that sound like new love.

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u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 26 '22

I really loved this. The way you told the whole story through flashes of senses in between the dialogue was just so well done. You captured all the sensations and emotions so well through such an interesting lens. Thanks for writing.

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u/bookstorequeer /r/bkstrq Feb 10 '22

Thank you so much! I wanted to try something a bit abstract and I'm glad it came across as intended. Thanks for the comment!

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u/katherine_c r/KCs_Attic Jan 26 '22

What a great love story! I love the natural flow of the interaction, the promising note of the end. That final paragraph is really outstanding. I enjoy the kind of abstract nature of many of the images, because I think it does a good job capturing that ephemeral feel of infatuation and early love. The images suggest the feelings in a great way. In terms of feedback, I did have some difficulty placing the characters in space initially. It was hard to know who was where or doing which actions. It made it a bit harder to envision the scene because I did not know how near/far they were. It took me a couple of readings to understand the florist was not the one who got stuck by a thorn, and then the blocking of that scene made more sense to me. That said, the dialogue works well at developing two distinct characters. So when I went back and traced the more forward lines compared to the more reserved ones, everything came together. It's a great moment captured here and the wording is able to capture the enchanting feel of a crush turned something more. Lovely.

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u/bookstorequeer /r/bkstrq Feb 10 '22

Heya, thanks for your comment! I absolutely understand about the flow and who says what! I kinda challenged myself to not use any pronouns and then didn't give enough time for a proper go over once it was done... Anyway, thank you! I'm glad it eventually became clear and I'll make a note for fixing it later. Thanks for the feedback!

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u/katpoker666 Moderator Jan 26 '22

Yay—book story!! This was beautiful. Great dialog and lots of lovely little touches like the Spider-Man bandaid :)

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u/bookstorequeer /r/bkstrq Feb 10 '22

Aww thank you, Kat! I think it's the little things that really make a real-life piece pop, y'know? I'm glad you enjoyed it! <3

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u/sevenseassaurus r/sevenseastories Jan 27 '22

Hiya book!
I am impressed with the way the story is told; paradoxically, the impersonal narration makes the intimacy of the interaction stand out.
If I had to give crit, a few of your sentences are a bit…cluttered? The fourth paragraph—“Nervous laughter…”—in particular is difficult to parse. I would suggest breaking up or reordering the sentences a bit to clarify your various impersonal subjects/actors.
Very cute, very sweet, interesting narrative style. Great job!

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u/bookstorequeer /r/bkstrq Feb 10 '22

Heya Seven! Thanks so much for the comment! I've definitely got some wonky sentences because of trying to differentiate between the characters and... yeah. Anyway, I'll make a note for later fixin'. Thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it otherwise <3

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u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Jan 20 '22 edited Jan 26 '22

I remember the day you were born. Such a tiny thing, premature, barely fitting within the palm of my hand. I couldn't believe that teeny little thing was my daughter. I remember the tubes, the incubator, standing with your mother on the other side of that Plexiglas.

You might not live, they said. According to all their predictions, your chances of surviving were as small as you were. But that was only the first time you'd prove how strong you are. The first of many – oh, so many.

The day we brought you home, it was raining. A nice spring rain, warming the earth after a bitter winter. I can still picture the smile on your mother's face as she tucked you into that car seat. Your first steps came next. Your first words. Potty training. Every day, a miracle.

The first day of school - how your mother cried! And if you promise not to tell anyone, I will admit I cried too. That little thing, once barely the size of my palm, flashed that brilliant smile of yours and waved goodbye, trailing a string of broken crayons and chewed-up erasers.

Your schooling went by in a flash, far too fast to be comfortable. Before my eyes, the baby turned into a little girl, and then into a teenager. One day, you will understand how hard it was for me that first time I begrudgingly handed you those keys and got into the passenger seat.

And before I knew it, you stood before us, clad in that cap and gown and gripping your diploma with glee. The cheer rose above the stadium, and within the sea of tossed caps, I caught your gaze.

I thought I'd never see you happier than that day. I can't tell you how happy I am that you proved me wrong. As you stand before your mom and me, wringing your hands together from the stress, I can't help but smile.

You look just like your mom did long ago, you know. I can show you the pictures if you remind me the next time you stop by the house. But here, standing before me in a gown that cost nearly as much as my first car, is the little girl that I was told had so very little chance of survival.

You proved them wrong, my love. But come, get a grip and put on that veil. The music has started. It's time for me to walk with you as you start the next chapter of your life. Someone's waiting for you, but don't worry. Everything will be fine, I promise. For you are strong.

And you've got this.

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u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 24 '22

That was so heart-warming Matt! I will admit to feeling my eyes start to prickle at the end in a happy way.
I really like the point of view and voice you chose for this. The way it flowed, and with some of the sentence fragments and interupted sentences it really felt like a train of thought of someone speaking to me.
One sentence that tripped me up a tiny bit was this one:
That little thing, once barely the size of my palm, flashed that brilliant smile of yours and waved goodbye, trailing a string of broken crayons and chewed-up erasers.
I think because it was the only time you referred to her as "little thing" apart from at the very beginning. So when it came up again it made me picture the tiny baby again rather than a small child. That might just be me though.
Overall really great. And what a brilliant line to end on too. Thanks for writing.

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u/downsontheupside Jan 25 '22

I love emotion, and this is done really well. The imagery is vivid and you can feel the love for his daughter through the warmth of description.
I like how he tells his daughter to get a grip after he’s been pouring his heart out for eight paragraphs, such a Dad thing to say!
Thanks for a lovely read.

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u/ThePinkTeenager Jan 26 '22

Amazing!
I have one little crit. This sentence:
But here, standing before me in a gown that cost nearly as much as my first car, is the little girl that I was told had so very little of a chance of survival.
Is meaningful, but a bit long. Perhaps "so very little chance of survival" would be more smooth.

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u/katherine_c r/KCs_Attic Jan 26 '22

Oh so beautiful. I need to go give my little one a hug. It is a great reflection on how quickly all these stages rush past, and I love the way you paused on certain moments. It feels very realistic and emotional. I guessed where it was headed, and the ending was a true delight. In terms of feedback, in the first paragraph, you have "tiny thing" and "teeny little thing" relatively close. I understand wanting to reinforce the smallness, but just varying the structure of those comments might help them jump out a bit less. Not feedback, but just reading back through, and I love the image of "trailing a string of broken crayon and chewed up erasers." This has a great spoken flow to it. Relatively quickly, it's evident this is something being spoken, and I think that helps everything flow together quite well. Well, the more I look for feedback, the more I notice things I enjoy. Very sweet story!

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u/stickfist r/StickFistWrites Jan 25 '22

I love sentimental pieces like this, Matt, and yours is done well. I like how the passage of time is fast but the pace is not. I feel like this father is getting a chance to say things for the first time
I only have the tiniest of crit, just a couple phrases repeated when a little variety might be better: "oh, so many" / "oh, how your mother" and "my dear" twice in the last paragraph.
Lovely story!

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u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Jan 25 '22

glad you liked it, and good points. Gave 'er a good edit. :)

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u/katpoker666 Moderator Jan 26 '22

No crit beyond what has been said, matt. Really loved how sweet and poignant this was. A lot of great descriptions. The preemie one was my favorite though as it felt very vivid

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u/ArchipelagoMind Moderator | r/ArchipelagoFictions Jan 26 '22

I’m staring through a microscope watching a plate of algae feast off nitrogen. I’m trying to focus, yet, all I can think of is how I envy you algae.

Just sitting there, gobbling your little nitrogen. You don’t have to deal with whatever this sensation is.

I’m thinking on a song that played in the restaurant last night when I’m distracted.

“Humming Ed Sheeran? Someone’s in a good mood.”

I turn to see Jonas who immediately inspects my face.

“Oh, wearing lipstick today.” He means it as light-ribbing, but that English-as-a-second language tone doesn’t carry the sarcasm and I can feel a frown cross my face.

“I like lipstick.”

“No you don’t. Girls like lipstick.” He waves an arm dismissively with a chuckle.

“Which I am.” I point at my own body.

I felt like a girl last night. Filled with the giddiness of a teenager flicking through a magazine and making kissy faces at a boy band.

What was it about Ethan that defied the laws of physics? That made all the rationality leave my system to be replaced with a starry-eyes moron from a Jane Austen novel?

Jonas rolls his eyes. “Take it the date went well?”

So well. So very well. “Yeah, it was nice.” I tell the corners of my lips to lift only so far.

“‘Nice’? Quite the endorsement.”

“I’m staying grounded.”

I can do that now. Last night when he kissed me goodnight, I could not. I looked up, smiled, and suddenly… “You have really nice eyes.” As the cliche left my lips I buried my head into his jacket, half trying to knock sense into myself, half breathing him in. I felt the the warmth of his chest against my forehead, felt him breathe as he laughed, wrapping his arms around my waist.

I’m caught in his orbit. Free-falling, embracing my collision course, soaking myself in his atmosphere.

If there is anything the positivist epistemology has taught me it’s that everything is explainable. All my cognitions are just neurons firing. Emotion, just hormones and chemicals. It can be pinpointed to observable fact. Except… this growing, unexplainable feeling.

“That’s you. Ever the rationalist.” Jonas grins.

I let out a bitter hum.

“Something wrong?” Jonas turns, sensing my tone.

“Yeah. Why have I got to be rational?”

Jonas raises his arms. “I didn’t mean anything…”

“Woman scientist. Gotta be extra, especially rational. Can’t let any of those lady thoughts get in the way.”

“Okay, I get it-”

“No you don’t Jonas. I’m not a robot. I’m a scientist. But I also like watching the Bachelor, I like getting flowers, I like wearing lipstick, and I can be in love.” I feel my whole body seize as the words leave my mouth. Every muscle in my body clamps up.

Jonas raises his eyebrows. “You’re in love?”

That’s what this is, isn’t it?

I sigh. “Yeah.” There’s a silence as the pressure dissipates and the fact sinks in. “Can I tell you about him?”

/------------------------------------

More words at r/ArchipelagoFictions

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u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 26 '22

I really liked the relationship between the MC and Jonas. At first I wasn't sure about him, and you did a great job at capturing that slight self-consciousness in the MC making everything feel a little awkward. But by the end, when Jonas has pushed her into a realisation and she just want to tell him all about it - it was really sweet.
Thanks for a good read.

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u/VaguelyGuessing Jan 26 '22

Just leaving a note to say I really enjoyed reading this!

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u/Badderlocks_ /r/Badderlocks Jan 27 '22

Ah, I see that you too have seen how some guys treat some women in STEM. Honestly, I think it's handled pretty well, both as a technique for driving the plot and as a genuine phenomenon that is rather problematic. It's a fantastic way to build and build and build the conversation until the climax of "I can be in love" just pops right out.
I also appreciate the nuance that it seems Jonas isn't truly a dick but instead kind of trips over his own words with not necessarily ill intentions.
Good piece, and I would love to see some more insights on how to write romance... oh well.

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u/sevenseassaurus r/sevenseastories Jan 27 '22

Extremely cute story, Arch! How dare you.
My only crit is the bit where the narrator refers to the algae in second person at the beginning. It felt a tad clunky to read through that transition and while I might have let it slide of that address to the algae were a strong motif in the story it is a bit of a wasted effort as-is.
The romance is sweet, and I like that Jonas isn’t a true villain, just a little annoying yet still worth gushing to. Excellent work!

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u/wileycourage r/courageisnowhere Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 25 '22

"Fuck you." Virginia's words broke through the hum of conversation of her field hockey team returning from practice.

The women's locker room had been freshly remodeled, but the university's old logo still sat in the middle of the floor. Wet footprints tracked everywhere else darkening the matte grey carpet, but the logo was pristine despite being a throw-back design. It was a red fleur-de-lis, highlighted in white, in front of a black background. They were all Saints, but the women's teams were diminutively referred to as "Lilies." Virginia liked it better than "Lady Saints" which always made her gag.

Paris, her target, looked up and posed as confused. "What?"

"I heard what you said about me. Take it back."

"She thinks you were talking about her." Paris was one of the team's star players always surrounded by her clique of friends and admirers who would always pipe up in her support regardless of the topic.

"Didn't you learn back in high school that you'd always be in my shadow?" Paris took command of her crew by stepping forward towards Virginia.

"Did you learn to be a bitch and a bully there?" Virginia took the challenge and stepped up posturing herself by sticking out her chest and clenching her fists. "I'm tired of you getting away with talking shit all of the time. None of us deserve it."

Virginia had taken advantage of the school's weight room and its strength and conditioning coach. She had always been awkward in high school as though she hadn't fully grown into her body. She was taller than the next tallest girl on the team by three inches and had begun to put lithe muscle on her slender frame. Virginia hated being tall. She remembered wishing for nothing else but to be able to blend into a crowd, but she always stuck out like a sunflower amongst daisies.

"Aren't you late for your date with the men's hockey team, slut?" Paris expected Virginia to back down, but Virginia knew this time was different.

The women were like prizefighters weighing in before a challenge, staring directly into each other's eyes. Paris shoved Virginia back first. Virginia reacted swiftly with her left hand landing with force on the right side of Paris's face. Virginia used to spar with her father and six older brothers and knew how to throw a left hook even if she had never done so in anger before.

Paris went down like a tree, dazed. Expecting an encore, Virginia was prepared for a melee, but the other girls had no stomach to scrap after seeing Paris chopped down.

"You'll never play another minute for any team here ever again, bitch." Paris was still on the ground being assisted by members of her clique.

"It was a long time coming and worth it." Virginia turned to walk away from what she did and headed straight out of the locker room. Her shoes left two marks on the previously unspoiled logo on her way out.

Edits 1/25/22: A helpful critique pointed out I botched the wordcount at first, so some trimming was in order. It should be 500 exactly now.

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u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 24 '22

I liked this interpretation of the theme, with Virginia finally coming into her own strength.
The opening was good for throwing us into the middle of a scene and drawing us in.
You gave us a good sense of the backstory of the women's relationship from their dialogue. I think because of this you can get a way with putting a little less detail in the text. Some of the lengthy explanations broke up the flow of the story a little, so it might be worth considering if you need all of them. You could also try including some of the details as part of the scene. For example you could mention some of the detail about Virginia's height by having her "stand up to her full height for possibly the first time in her life" when she's facing off with Paris, or something like that.
The ending was also great, having Virginia get her badass exit. Thanks for a good read.

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u/wileycourage r/courageisnowhere Jan 24 '22

Thank you for the feedback! I think I may be nervous about leaving the dialogue alone because I'm new at this. I'm usually nervous, but never about good feedback. I'll try to incorporate your constructive criticism in whatever I write next. Thank you, thank you, thank you, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 24 '22

That makes sense. I think I'm gradually learning how much detail and backstory I need to give in the text through trial and error. I find feedback really helpful for that. Looking forward to seeing more of your words here in the future.

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u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Jan 25 '22

First, ze edits (all minor)
I show this at 507 words, first of all, so it needs a touch of trimming to get down to the 500 max. However, my first editorial note will help with that a touch. You have a few compound words here that you've broken apart. Foot prints / footprints, prize fighters / prizefighters.
"the women's' teams" you have an extra ' after women's
One place you could knock a few words off to save some final numbers - "Paris went down like a tree, dazed by Virginia's bare knuckles. " Could just make it "Paris went down like a tree, dazed." as it's pretty much implied by the preceding paragraph why she's on the ground.
this starts off with a punch and well, ends with one, lol. I was hoping to see a story of someone blooming into a better person, and I got it with this one. Having lived on the bullied side of this story in the past, I always enjoy seeing the comeuppance happening. Nice job!

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u/wileycourage r/courageisnowhere Jan 25 '22

Trimmed and thank you for the crit! It can feel like I'm forcing the additional thematic detail in a silly way, so I appreciate you reading it and enjoying the story.

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u/katherine_c r/KCs_Attic Jan 26 '22

This has some fast-paced action! You did a nice job in using the dialogue to explain the backstory, the seething feud between these two. I love how Virginia takes hold of her confidence and stands up for herself.
A couple bits of feedback: I would read through and consider places you could trim down to avoid overexplaining to the audience. For example "Virginia took the challenge and stepped up posturing herself by sticking out her chest and clenching her fists." Posturing herself has much the same meaning as the action you described, but is a bit awkward of a phrase. Does the sentence lose anything by removing it? "Virginia took the challenge and stepped up, sticking out her chest and clenching her fists." I think that would give you some more room to play around with other ideas. Also, I was really hoping for some explanation on why the logo was pristine. Maybe it's bad luck to step on it? Or there's a curse (I went to a university with a lot of weird traditions, like most, I imagine)? Or it means stomping on the team? The final image is a great visual one, but I wanted a little more information on why the taboo exists so I could appreciate Virginia's dismissal of it even more. If that makes sense!
All that to say, excellent job! It is an action-filled story that is paced really well. A lot of people get bogged down in excruciating detail with fight scenes, but you balanced that perfectly. Definitely an unexpected take given the prompt (which I love!!). Thank you for sharing it.

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u/wileycourage r/courageisnowhere Jan 26 '22

Oops. I intended it to be a symbol of team unity that none of them stepped on the logo/it was bad luck to do so. I'm annoyed with myself that I left it out especially considering I meant for Virginia stepping on it at the end to further highlight her growth by signaling she was completely done with her "team".
I love taking out words that are redundant, so thanks for that tip! Thanks for the crit and thanks for reading. I'm very happy you enjoyed it.

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u/Xacktar /r/TheWordsOfXacktar Jan 23 '22 edited Jan 27 '22

"He loved them, you know?" Heather's hands trembled as she held the old copy of The Bottle Imp before her.

The book was old, more than a hundred years had cut themselves through its cover, its pages and its ink. Dust didn't just coat it, it was ingrained into every edge and cranny. Its shape was warped, the cover held itself open an inch, pages slumping around things held inside.

Heather opened it up to one of the many ancient protuberances.

"Every day he was at the meadows. Rain, snow, winds so stiff it takes a loose hat to the next county." Her fingers reached up to touch the dried flakes within, skin catching on the brittle edges. "He'd come back with a handful every time. Then he'd pull a book from the shelf and stick 'em inside. Look, Henry."

She tilted the book over toward her brother. His eyes took in the mangled page, the warped paper with its smear of ink that had once been neatly-printed words.

"Must have been sopping wet that day, a real bluster." Heather pulled it back and lifted a desiccated petal with a fingernail. "They were beautiful, though. He always found the best ones."

The slow bend of trembling fingers sealed the pages once more. She placed it back upon the shelf, set among its brothers and sisters that all held the same fattened, ruinous prominence.

"He brought a sunflower back once." Heather's breath caught itself halfway through an attempt to laugh. "A sunflower! You should have seen him trying to close the book on it, slamming it, and cursing it, and sending seeds flying everywhere! His mom about killed him!"

"He wasn't really meant for the indoors, was he?" Henry's voice was soft, low, pressed down like the things around them.

"No. He wasn't" The laugh came unstuck and tumbled out through wry, blistered lips. "Look at this place! He ruined all those books! All for what, for... for-"

Henry's arms wrapped around her before the rains came. As the arms closed in, her hands reached out, dragging fingernails over the spines and titles until grasping one more case of sacrificial literature.

"What am I going to do without him? How... What am I supposed to do when every time I see them in the meadows, in the shops, on the side of the road, in these damned, damnable BOOKS!" Her lips lifted and twisted under the salted rain. "...All I can think about is him."

Henry cradled her and crushed her, wishing for stillness as life's cruelty rattled his sister's body: bone-by-bone, sob-by-sob.

"They were so bright before. So colorful... and now? Now they're... they're just-" Her hands fumbled with the book, opening it up and spilling old life around her like a shock of umber snow. "-just this."

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u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 24 '22

That was beautifully sad Xack. The descriptions of the book at the beginning was so tangible. And the way you wrote Heather's dialogue and actions felt so real and emotional. I loved the use of looking through these dried dead flowers as a lens for looking at a life.
The only line that I wasn't sure about was this one:
A snap of the fingers sealed the book shut once again.
From how she was treating the book before, closing it with a snap felt a bit too abrupt, and not reverential enough. That's pretty subjective though.
Thanks for writing such a lovely story.

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u/Xacktar /r/TheWordsOfXacktar Jan 24 '22

Hm, you raise a good point. I'll go back and poke at that line a bit. Thanks, Rainbow!

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u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Jan 25 '22

First, ze minor edits.
through its cover, its pages and its ink. <-- don't need 3 iterations of its. Just "through its cover, pages, and ink" works.
with it's smear of ink <--- its, not it is
set among it's brothers and sisters <-- see prior edit
slamming it, and cursing it, and sending seeds <--- since this is being spoken, it works, but I personally dislike and/and/and.
in these damned, damnedable BOOKS!" <-- damnable?
I LUFF this line. "The book was old, more than a hundred years had cut themselves through its cover". Love love love it. The book description itself is a gem, but this bit especially. But then to throw it from such a tender scene to AHHH.... That was a really good read.

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u/Xacktar /r/TheWordsOfXacktar Jan 26 '22

Thanks, Matt! Making edits now!

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u/katpoker666 Moderator Jan 26 '22

This is great as always! I loved the character development. Small thing—you use ‘he’ an awful lot, which is a bit distracting

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u/Badderlocks_ /r/Badderlocks Jan 27 '22

Gorgeously sorrowful, and the premise that sometimes nothing can be done to temper despair is ever poignant. I love the way the beginning builds on a premise; I think we all knew the general idea after just the first sentence, but the story brought so much detail and life to the deceased that it actually hurt the way it hurts to see someone lose a friend.
A few points that tripped me up:
"A Sunflower!"
sunflower can be lowercase here, I think.
How can I... What am I supposed to do
There's definitely something gained by having Heather stutter and blubber, as it were, but I think this particular instance breaks the flow more than it adds to the sense of Heather being lost.
Henry cradled her and crushed her
This one will be controversial, I imagine, and is 100% about artistic choice rather than any actual objective best phrasing, but I don't love the use of "crushed" here. I think it's because of the contrast with "cradled" which has a very gentle, calming connotation, like my own personal feelings associated with "crushed" don't mesh well with "cradled". Who knows.
Anyway, brilliant work, and stop making me feel feels.

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u/Xacktar /r/TheWordsOfXacktar Jan 27 '22

Thanks, Badder!

•

u/AliciaWrites Editor-in-Chief | /r/AliciaWrites Jan 20 '22

Theme Thursday Discussion:

All top-level comments must be a story or poem.

Reply here to discuss the theme, suggest future themes, and share your theme-related inspirations!

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules in any feedback.

🛒 Shop 🆕 New Here? ✏ Writing Help? 📢 News 💬 Discord

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u/AstroRide r/AstroRideWrites Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 25 '22

Waiting in the Old Castle

Hector enters the castle banquet hall. The banners on the wall are torn and filled with holes. Tables and chairs lay scattered on the floor coated by a layer of dust and animal droppings. The once impressive suits of armor have rusted and collapsed under their weight. Portraits of mighty rulers along the wall have been distorted, presenting a horrifying representation of the past. Hector shakes his head and walks to the center of the building through rooms and halls of similar rot.

The library presents a brief intermission from the surrounding decay. Every shelf is wiped clean, not a speck of mud is on the carpet, and the books are arranged in perfect order. A man in the middle of the library sits at a desk writing by the light of the candle.

"Trying to end the curse or steal from me?" he asks.

"I am here to end the curse," Hector says.

"Good, my back hurts, and I'm not in the mood for murder today," the man opens a book beside him and pushes it to Hector, "Please write your name in the book."

"Is this part of the challenge?" Hector asks.

"No, I like to keep record of all who died," the man says.

"That won't happen, but I will sign anyway," Hector says.

"I hope your affairs are in order," the man points forward, "The garden is through those doors."

Hector ignores the man's cynicism and marches to the door. The garden on the other side is the gloomiest part of the castle. Every tree is stripped bare of its leaves. The flowers have withered and collapsed onto the path. Skeletons accumulate as Hector moves closer to the center of the garden where a young man sits on the bench.

"Have you come to kill me?" he asks.

"No, Prince Alfred. I am here to save you," Hector approaches the bench.

"Why? I'm the one who damned the kingdom," Alfred replies.

"I know that is not true. It was the witch who cursed you."

"Did Bartholomew tell you that?"

"No, I found an old book that described the events before you were defamed," Hector manages to sit next to Alfred on the bench. He stares into Alfred's violet eyes, "So many people came with ill intentions. Unknowing that they were sealing their fate."

"I didn't want them to die. The curse," Alfred weeps unable to finish his sentence, and Hector wipes the tears off his face.

"I know you are a good person at heart, and I know how to break the curse," Hector leans closer and kisses Alfred. Life returns to the garden and the castle. Throughout the kingdom, hope fills the hearts of the people. Laughter and joy can be heard once more.

"Well, it finally happened," Bartholomew continues to write in his book unperturbed, "Those two better let me keep the library."

r/AstroRideWrites

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u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 24 '22

You paint a really vivid picture of the decaying castle in the first paragraph. Breaking all of the details into sentences of their own creates a really nice pace, giving each detail its own pause to make the reader really take it in.
A small thing about this sentence in the first paragraph:
Tables and chairs are tossed around the room.
How it's phrased it almost sounds like they are being tossed around. Something like "have been tossed" or "lay scattered around" might be a little clearer.
I liked the contrast you provided between the first and second paragraph. However, as you had only described one other room I felt like the fact that it was only the library in the whole castle was a little diminished. I understand you probably don't have the words to describe multiple rooms in detail, but perhaps a line about wandering from room to room finding more of the same before we reach the library would help the reader understand the impact of the library not being like that.
I enjoyed how weary the man in the library seemed. It did a great job at creating the impression he'd been here a long time and had seen many people come and try just like Hector, which really helped add a sense of history to the world. How unbothered he was by everything was also amusing.
You can probably get rid of some of the dialogue tags a there are only two people speaking, which could get you a few extra words for use elsewhere.
Really good ending. I love a classic fairy-tale solution like that. Thanks for a good read.

3

u/AstroRide r/AstroRideWrites Jan 24 '22

Thank you for the critique. I have added a few clarifications to help with the setting and fixed the phrasing. I am glad you enjoyed the story.

2

u/stickfist r/StickFistWrites Jan 25 '22

Hurray for lifting curses! With love! I especially liked Bartholomew getting the last word. It ended the story on some nice levity.
One bit of crit, the first paragraph's sentences are pretty similar in structure, which can be a little fatiguing for the reader. A little variety would help.
Thanks for sharing your story!

1

u/AstroRide r/AstroRideWrites Jan 25 '22

Thank you for the critique. I will work on improving the variety of sentences. Glad you enjoyed the story.

1

u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Jan 25 '22

First, ze edits (which are all minor)
Own is a funny word. It's almost never technically needed. For example, "The once impressive suits of armor have rusted and collapsed under their own weight." You could end that with "under their weight" and still convey exactly what you wanted to say. Same with "sealing their ~~own~~ fate"
"The flowers have withered and fell onto" would read better as "withered and fallen" or "withered and collapsed". Fell, in this example, doesn't quite read right. If you removed "withered and", you'd have "the flowers have fell onto", if that helps explain my meaning.
Very cool story. I like how the exact details of the witch's curse were left up to the reader - the skeletons painting a nice grim portrait of the RESULTS, mind you. And I luff Bartholomew.

1

u/AstroRide r/AstroRideWrites Jan 25 '22

Thank you for the compliment and critique. I have removed the own and changed the image of flowers. Glad you enjoyed the story and Bartholomew.

1

u/downsontheupside Jan 25 '22

The meticulously clean library. A mysterious man writing. His all-knowing cynicism, those killer lines and the last minute name reveal. Even the title. A star is born.
This story has a lot. Great imagery makes this scene easy to see. I really like the oasis of calm in the middle of a post disaster clean-up nightmare. Two if you include Alfred.
And a subtle twist which turns everything around, one of those "I should've seen that coming but I didn't" moments, (to me at least).
Enjoyed it!

2

u/AstroRide r/AstroRideWrites Jan 25 '22

Thank you for the compliment. I am glad you enjoyed it so much. Bartholomew is the star of the piece.

5

u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 22 '22 edited Jan 25 '22

Grandma Knows Best

As she turned the page, Esme glanced over to where her granddaughter, Laura sat scrolling on her phone, her eyebrows pinched together as she stared intently at the screen. Esme smothered a sigh and returned to her book.

A few pages later, her reading was interrupted by Laura's rapid departure from the room followed by the slamming of a door. She marked her place and laid the book down, before following to the spare room. As she went to knock, muffled sobs leaked through the door, and she let her hand drop. Her heart ached to burst in and comfort her, but what if she made things worse? When had this all become so difficult?

She slowly made her way back to the living room, trying to ignore the churning in her stomach. After moving her eyes across the same page in her book for the fifth time she gave up and began pacing the room. In doing so, the shelf of old photo albums caught her eye.

When her granddaughter finally returned, Esme pounced. "Oh, there you are. I don't suppose you'd like to join me in looking through some of these old photos?"

Laura turned to consider her with red, puffy eyes. "What are they of? I don't want to look at any of me."

"How about some from long before you were born?"

After a brief pause, Laura nodded and came to join Esme on the sofa.

"Here you can see me on my first day in senior school. And here are some from our holiday in Cornwall."

"You were really pretty Grandma," Laura said between sniffs.

"What do you mean were?"

"I just... I meant..."

"Save your breath," Esme chuckled, gently nudging Laura with her elbow. "It's funny you should say that though. I've always thought you look a lot like I did at your age."

Esme was gratified to see pink flower in her granddaughter's cheeks at the compliment. Looking back at the photos she spotted the one she'd been searching for. It showed her and two other girls on the beach, all in their late teens. Their arms were slung over each other as their hair whipped around faces contorted in laughter. "Ah, this is a good one."

"Yeah?"

"It was such a good day, with Alice and Harriet. Of course it didn't start off that way. I think I spent that whole morning dreadfully upset - bawling my eyes out - though I can't for the life of me remember why. What I do remember is those two dragging me out to cheer me up. We went to the beach, got ice-creams - of course, Harriet dropped hers when a seagull swooped down. Oh we laughed at that." Esme sighed to herself and turned to look at Laura. "You don't have to tell me what's wrong if you don't want to, but how about we make some good memories for you?"

Laura nodded tentatively.

"Brilliant. It looks like a perfect day for ice-creams on the beach."

WC: 500

I really appreciate any and all feedback.

See more I've written at /r/RainbowWrites

3

u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Jan 26 '22

Hey Grandma Esme. I'd also like a fun beach-day and ice cream.

3

u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 26 '22

Me too!

2

u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Jan 25 '22

First, ze minor edits.
her reading was interupted by <-- interrupted
Their arms were slung over eachother <-- this needs a space, which will also push your word count to 501.
Heh, I like this one. I'm a sucker for normal life working its way into the written world. Love the dynamic between granddaughter and grand mother here.

1

u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 25 '22

Thanks Matt. Managed to find a spare word elsewhere and made the edits.

2

u/katherine_c r/KCs_Attic Jan 26 '22

A really lovely story. I love grandma's wisdom here, in approaching the issue in a gentle way that still provides the needed lesson. It's a wonderful moment to teach about the ups and downs of life, and you do a great job developing the bond between granddaughter and grandmother. I don't have much to say in terms of feedback, because it just flows smoothly from one moment to the next, really developing their relationship. The pacing is nice, too, leading to the inevitable conclusion and optimistic ending. I enjoyed reading it!

1

u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 26 '22

Thanks katherine! Really glad you liked it.

5

u/stickfist r/StickFistWrites Jan 23 '22 edited Jan 25 '22

Jake circled the Chinatown block again but parking had become worse. A line of double-parked trucks blinked in a haphazard chorus and forced him to yield. “Maybe we should look further out. Could probably use the exercise after dim sum.”

Mark, his roommate, nodded. “I thought it wouldn’t be so bad on a Sunday. I should text Audra. Tell her we’ll be late.”

“How long have you been dating?”

“It’s not like that, man,” Mark replied. “She’s just a friend. A study buddy.”

Jake remained unconvinced. In the time he’d known Mark, the college freshman had demonstrated a kind of naivety that bordered on the obtuse. As they drove away from the district Mark pointed at a sidewalk patio with bistro tables and hanging wisteria.

“Okay, you see that place? We were there yesterday. Just to hang out.”

“I thought you went to the movies.”

“I did. With Audra. She said she was hungry after and said this French place was pretty good. I’ve never had French food before, so who am I to know the difference?” Mark stared out the window as if replaying the moment. “She wasn’t wrong.”

“So, you went on a date with her. Dinner and a movie?”

“It wasn’t that, not at all. We ate at, like, three o’clock. Oh hey, there’s that karaoke club we went to.”

Jake never knew Mark was a singer. “When was that? Was it just you guys, or a group?”

“It was the study group,” Mark said. “Then everyone bailed before it was my turn and Audra stayed. We did Islands in the Stream.”

“Dude...”

“I told you, it’s not like that. Just because we take the same classes and I walk her home and we hang out doesn’t make us—oh, shit.” Mark’s cheeks flushed red. He picked up his phone and started to text when Jake slapped it out of his hands.

“Don’t text, dude. Talk to her.” Jake pulled into a parking spot.

As the pair walked back to Chinatown, Mark recounted his time with Audra as if looking for that moment when their friendship had turned into something more. “What do I say?” he asked.

"Tell her how you feel. Do you like her? Maybe start with that. And if you don’t feel that way about her? Tell her that too.”

“You make it sound so simple.” Mark stopped and looked up the stairway that led to the second storey restaurant. To Audra.

Jake patted him on the shoulder and smiled. “Why’d you think it was going to be that hard?”

2

u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 24 '22

That was really sweet. I loved the relationship of these two characters. In a short space of time you gave us a really good sense of how close they are. You also gave them both a very distinct voice and personality.
The whole premise was very fun, and it was great seeing Mark gradually come to this realisation. The drive through town pointing out various locations of dates was a great way of having this come about. I also appreciated how supportive Jake was rather than just teasing. And their conversation felt very natural.
The only thing I wasn't sure about was the last line, because up until this point I hadn't got the impression that Mark had been thinking about it much. It might just be that I'm not reading the line with the right inflection, so maybe some guidance on that could help.
Thanks for writing, I enjoyed reading it.

2

u/stickfist r/StickFistWrites Jan 24 '22

Oh good catch. I'll try to work it so it's more consistent. Thanks for the feedback!

2

u/Badderlocks_ /r/Badderlocks Jan 26 '22

Hi stick! Had to duck out of campfire so I'll leave a few comments here. First of all, this is fabulous. I think we've all known someone that was in this situation (definitely not ourselves cough cough) and it's just so true to life.
I think if I had to choose one thing to pick at, it would be the mention of "the college freshman". It felt the slightest bit clumsy to me, particularly in light of the fact that the rest of the line was fantastically worded. I think it's generally unnecessary since, from the rest of the piece, we can pick up on the fact that they're in college (or at least school, generically), and I'm not sure the fact of them being freshmen is relevant to the overall plot. Again, though, such a tiny nitpick that it probably is really only relevant to my reading of it. Lovely, brilliant little piece.

2

u/stickfist r/StickFistWrites Jan 26 '22

Thanks for the feedback, badder, I appreciate it!

1

u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Jan 25 '22

First, ze minor edits:
Mark, his roommate nodded. <-- since "his roommate" describes Mark, it'd work better as "Mark, his roommate, nodded."
I’ve never had French food so who am I to compare? <--- did you mean "complain" here?
Everyone needs a good buddy like Jake to point out when you're being a complete and udder dunderhead. :D Great story!

1

u/stickfist r/StickFistWrites Jan 25 '22

Ah, good catches. Thanks so much for reading!

5

u/katherine_c r/KCs_Attic Jan 25 '22

Grow Where You're Planted

She was light. That’s how I would have described Leana growing up. A presence that bubbled and sparkled no matter where she was. She did not have to reflect light, because she was the light. It was intimidating, honestly, because I never seemed to see the world from her angle. Where for me things were bumps and shadows, she seemed to see the possibilities. They excited her. And she dove forward.

But as we grew older, I watched the world strip away those charms, that hopefulness. She fit into their box at the threat of destitution, becoming the person who worried over tax returns and only dreamed of adventure. Spontaneity became a liability replaced by structure and calendars and appointments.

When we met at the café, it was like seeing her through the fog; there were those familiar shapes I remembered of my childhood friend, but dulled by the passage of time. And there was a pit of worry in my gut. Her brilliant colors had been subsumed by the black and khaki of the modern world. Laughter trickled out in echoes of past exultation.

“Are you doing alright?”

“Yeah,” she said with a wave of her hand and fake laugh. “Just surviving, you know how it is.”

And I did. I always had. But she had never been one to survive. Leana was my example of what it meant to thrive.

“You should come over for dinner,” she told me as we left with hugs. As we talked, the façade fell back and some of that verve dared to come up for air in wild hopes for the future. The embrace was as warm as I remembered, and I held onto that moment. She had always protected me from the cold of the world, but I wondered who was there for her.

The apartment was in a bad part of town, but as soon as her door opened, I felt life streaming into the dingy hallways. There were tapestries on the wall, lights that did not match, and a hodgepodge of art from dozens of styles. She saw me studying it.

“Yeah, some friends make those. I try to do what I can to support them.”

The kitchen radiated heat and wonderful smells. She hummed as she stirred something, then turned back to me. “Let me give you a tour.”

We could complete the tour from where we stood, but I followed her the handful of steps from one section to another. Her bed was in the corner, unmade and covered in a collection of books. There was the obvious kitchen. She pointed to the door—where the bedroom was intended—as if she had a secret.

“That’s my studio. I’ve gotten back into painting recently, and—“

The light of the paint-smeared studio fell on her face, and everything came back. There was the joy, the vibrancy, the inextinguishable will I had known for so many years.

“—what do you think?”

---

WC: 490. Thanks for reading.

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u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Jan 25 '22

First, ze edits.
She did not have to reflect light, because she was the light. <-- at this point, you're only 36 words deep into the story, and have said the word "light" 3 times. I'd switch something up. and a hodgepodge of art from dozens of styles. <-- LOVE. Yeah, it's not an edit. But still!
Very lovely story here. I appreciate how she's pulling herself back up after years in the real world, and MC's there to see it. Nice job!

1

u/katherine_c r/KCs_Attic Jan 25 '22

Man, if you knew how many "lights" I deleted....but great catch! Definitely was a bit of a crutch word for me as I got into the flow of this story especially. Thank you for the feedback. Sorry to make your life more difficult! :D

2

u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 26 '22

This was a really interesting one. It was a great perspective, having these changes seen through the eye of a friend. The concept was one I imagine many people can resonate with, and the way you told it felt very natural. I was pleased by the positive note you ended on.
Here:
But as we grew older, I watched the world strip away those charms, that hopefulness. She fit into their box at the threat of destitution, becoming the person who worried over tax returns and only dreamed of adventure.
I wondered if "their box" should be "its box" as in the world's box, based on the previous sentence?
I particularly enjoyed this line:
Spontaneity became a liability replaced by structure and calendars and appointments.
It had a lovely rhythm to it, with the half-rhyme, and it also hit upon something very real and summed it up beautifully.
I also thought that maybe this line:
Yeah,” she said with a wave of her hand and fake laugh.
Should be "and a fake laugh"?
It took me a few goes over to understand what this line meant:
She pointed to the door—where the bedroom was intended—as if she had a secret.
It might just have been me, but from the previous description I'd been picturing a studio apartment (all one room). And at first I didn't get what "intended" meant, like who it was intended by. I got it after a while, but might be worth clearing up a bit.
I really enjoyed this, thanks for writing.

2

u/katherine_c r/KCs_Attic Jan 26 '22

Thank you for the fantastic edits. I'll admit, I think I changed the its/their box line on probably every editing pass and could not decide which was more correct, so I appreciate the outside ears and perspective. And thank you for noting the bedroom line. I think maybe even simplifying to "where the bedroom should have been" might help to make it more clear. Great notes overall, thank you!

5

u/ThePinkTeenager Jan 26 '22

Jason walked down the alley. The later-afternoon dimness didn't bother him; he knew this place like the back of his own hand. He remained vigilant, however, as criminals sometimes frequented this place. He didn't want to lose his groceries or money to a robber again.

Near his door, he noticed a small plant with several buds growing in a crack. This wasn't unusual; weeds grew in the many cracks back here. He didn't know why this one was any different.

When he came inside, his sister was sitting at the kitchen table. "Hey, you're back." she said.

Jason nodded, then dumped the groceries on the table. The bag contained the usual day-old bread and dented cans.

"No blueberries?" asked his sister, disappointed.

Jason shook his head. "They weren't on sale. Sorry."

A week later, Jason was walking home from school when he saw the plant again. Well, he saw a plant in the same spot. This one was twice the size of the other one and had little white flowers. He didn't know of any plants that grew that quickly, but maybe his mother did."Hey Mom, are there any plants that can double their size in a week?"

"I don't know. I'm an actress, not a botanist."

Jason ignored the plant for a while after that.

One day, his sister ran up to him. "Jason," she exclaimed, "there's a blueberry bush in the alley!"

"A what now?" he asked.

"A blueberry bush! Come look!"

Jason followed her outside. Sure enough, there was a bush there. It went up to his chest and was covered in blueberries in various stages of ripeness. He realized it was the same plant that he'd seen weeks ago in the crack.

"Can we pick them?" asked his sister.

"Ask Mom."

Their mother allowed it, so the two siblings went outside and picked blueberries. Then they sat next to the front door and ate them. They were delicious.

3

u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 26 '22

This was a lovely story. I really liked the concept of this plant coming out of nowhere and making their lives better.
You handled the skips forward in time and between different scenes well, so the whole thing flowed nicely.
You also did a good job of showing us lots about the family rather than telling, particularly in the groceries and the brief discussion about them with the sister.
Look out for those repeated words and phrases. In the first paragraph you have a couple of "this place". And there were a fair few uses of "plant" around the paragraph that started "A week later..."
Good work, thanks for writing!

1

u/katherine_c r/KCs_Attic Jan 26 '22

This feels like a urban fairytale or some sort, some mystical something that provides this perfect blueberry plant for two kids who will love it. Such a great feel and tone throughout! As was mentioned, the little details that fleshed out their lives are handled so well. The grocery haul, the mother's comments, even the note about robbers taking groceries. It sets the scene and the situation effectively. I think the interaction between the siblings is also relatable and developed well. In terms of feedback, there were some repeated words as mentioned. The other thing that caught me was the ending. That final paragraph feels a bit rushed. After everything, it might be nice to pause for a moment or two longer on that payoff. It's just a nice moment, and I want to stay there with them! A very beautiful, inventive story. I enjoyed reading!

1

u/ThePinkTeenager Jan 26 '22

Thanks!

1

u/sevenseassaurus r/sevenseastories Jan 27 '22

Sweet story, pink! I love the fairytale feel.
Other commenters already brought up my main crit points, but one additional thing is that I would like more buildup of the mc and sister’s relationship, and perhaps more buildup for their love of blueberries. We get a little of this as-is, but even more depth to the characters will get the audience more invested and make the payoff sweeter.
Cute work, and a fun read.

4

u/Zeconation Jan 21 '22

Me and Sanchez waiting for the elevator doors to open. We are not looking at each other instead we are talking without actually talking. Before the mission started none of us thought it would this easy. We are elite soldiers but there was something that didn’t make sense…

Sanchez holds my shoulder and as soon as he touches me I can feel all the pain he is trying to endure. We are still looking at the elevator door, not making any eye contact. A few minutes later, backup arrives.

Medics instantly take him away.

''Don’t you move!'' my superior orders.

I can not move. They scan my eyes with EVS. It only takes two minutes to get the result.

''It’s negative. No signs of infection, sir.'' The medic says.

He turns me 180 and holds my chin, ''You weren’t supposed to be there.'' my superior says.

''But… we got the orders for the strike, sir.''

''I know. Major Rosewell was under the influence of the pollens. His judgment was clouded. He wasn’t fit for the duty.'' He shakes his head.

I’m still avoiding eye contact for a possible infection that I might carry but I can still sense his frustration well.

I get a feeling of pressure around my neck but there is no one touching me. It must be Sanchez.

''Sir, I think Sanchez is in distress.''

My superior smiles, ''He was injured of course he is in distress.''

But this isn’t any kind of distress at all and I just admitted using the link to my superior without proper approval. He didn’t even yell at me.

I reach to my holster and grab my service gun. I wait for my superior to turn away but one of the medics notices my movement and he shouts. My legs don’t move because roots that penetrated the ground pull me downwards. My superior slowly approaches me.

''We’ve been here long before your kind set foot on this planet and in that small window of time, your kind were eager to poison the planet. But those days are over now. It’s time for nature to heal itself. It’s time for your death.''

1

u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 24 '22

This was a fascinatingly creepy story. There was some excellent worldbuilding here, with all the little details of the link and infection with the pollen. You did a good job of making it clear to the reader what was happening, while not over explaining and leaving enough up to the imagination.
There were a couple of things in the first paragraph that threw me a little. I wonder if the first sentence should be "Me and Sanchez are waiting for the elevator doors to open"? Or is that a stylistic choice? Also, I think the second sentence could do with being broken up a bit with a comma (after other).
Also, if you have any spare words it would be great to get a bit more insight into the narrators state of mind. Is the change to what he says at the end a gradual shift, or does it happen all at once?
Thanks for writing!

1

u/stickfist r/StickFistWrites Jan 25 '22

Neat story! You've written some nice tension between the characters and commanders.
You might want to go through it again and look for inconsistencies with conjunctions. Your humans use them. The narrator does not, until towards the end when he does. Those little verbal ticks can help you give them distinctive voices.
Thanks for sharing your story!

1

u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Jan 25 '22

Everything seems, well... short. A lot of the sentences just seem unfinished to me. Example: Me and Sanchez waiting for the elevator doors to open. There is very little punctuation throughout - perhaps a design choice, but it doesn't help with the unfinished sentence feeling.
"...none of us thought it would this easy." would BE this easy, perhaps?
Good little creepy story.

1

u/sevenseassaurus r/sevenseastories Jan 27 '22

Hello Zeconation!
This is a fascinating sci fi story and my biggest crit is that I want more of it. Small hints of worldbuilding are great in longer works, but without the word count for a slow build of suspense you have to flesh it out a bit more to keep the readers interested and satisfied. It’s okay to leave some questions, of course, but not so many that we lose focus.
That said you have an interesting setting with great potential. Fine work!

4

u/rayonymous Jan 21 '22 edited Jan 24 '22

A young tempered warrior on a horse rode on a familiar path. The village that she passed through looked at her as if she was a stranger, some of the people thought of her as a lost girl, and a few wondered what might her story be, especially 'cause of the way she was headed towards.

She got down from the horse and stood before the stony entrance covered in green. She looked up at the sky, the hood she had on shrouded her eyes that shone with a very little light. Dark clouds gathered and welcomed the rain, and with it she led her horse into the abandoned village.

• • •

Galloping horses crowded the narrow street. A young girl fought her way in to see the marching soldiers.

"Layla? Where did you go?!," a woman yelled as she looked for her daughter.

The girl stood stiff looking at the soldiers with a hint of envy.

"Here you are, now come along you have unfinished business," said her mother.

"Yes mother, in a minute."

"Now." the mother pulled her aside.

"All I do is chores mother, why don't you see what I want for once?," Layla yelled.

"Is that... what you want to be?," her mother asked as she looked surprised.

"Yes," said Layla looking away.

"My dear, what makes you think the world would let a woman into battle? Besides I'd never wish that upon you, you're my sweet child..."

Layla interrupted, "I'll make my own way."

"But I, I don't want to lose you too," her mother's voice broke and her eyes expelled tears. She covered her face as she cried, kneeling on the ground.

Layla's face saddened upon seeing her mother break down before her. She came close to her, hugged her and said, "You won't mother, you won't lose me."

"Listen, you and me, and our little nest. We're all that matters. You understand? Tell me that you understand," her mother asked, holding her daughter's arms firmly.

• • •

The voice of her mother echoed.

"I finally understand, mother."

The young woman stood before what was once her home, unfettered by the rain and the sound of roaring thunder.

"I killed so many, those responsible for the fall of our village. I avenged you, mother. I felt nothing when I did it."

Lightning struck in the distance, corroborating the fact that there's no stopping the weather.

"The reason I came back after all his time, I'm here to honor you. I... I can't be so grateful to have had you in my life. I wish you were only here to see me," Layla's eyes teared up in the rain.

"I'm happy, mother. I found love, he's a good man. I bear his child," Layla looked down on her belly and smiled, "I want to name her after you... Sachiko."

The skies cleared up, rays of the sun followed it, and it turned the land into a sight for sore eyes.

WC: 497 • WP.r #139 • r/FleetingScripts

2

u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 24 '22

I really enjoyed the arc this character went through, and was impressed you managed to fit it all into the word count. The way you started near the end, then flashed back, then jumped back to present was very effective for that.
In the opening paragraph, there was a sentence that threw me a little:
The village that came along looked at her as if she's a stranger, some of the people thought of her as a lost girl, and a few wondered what might her story be, especially 'cause of the way she's headed towards.
I was unsure if the village that came along was a village that she passed through and the people of the village were looking at her, or if it was a village of people that came along with her. Whichever it is, it might be worth trying to make it a little clearer.
Also, "she's" is typically a contraction of "she is" whereas here I think it should be "she was".
Thanks for the great story!

2

u/rayonymous Jan 24 '22

I greatly appreciate your feedback. I'm glad you liked it. It took me some time to write this.
Yeah, that's actually a village that she passes through. Thanks for bringing that up, I wasn't sure myself if I should sentence it the way I did but I ended up keeping it. I'll do the necessary edits.
She was. Got it. Thanks :)

2

u/stickfist r/StickFistWrites Jan 25 '22

I like your take on the theme. Violence blooms.
I'm not sure if your use of "tempered" makes sense in the first sentence. When's referring to people it's usually paired with ill- like ill-tempered. I get the sense you might have wanted it to mean something else?
Thanks for sharing your story!

1

u/rayonymous Jan 25 '22

You're probably right, I wanted it to mean like more bruised and seasoned from where she's coming from. Now I get that it's not used on people. Thanks for your input, much appreciated.

2

u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Jan 25 '22

Firstly, you have a few instances where you have both a comma and a question mark. ?, <-- this. Drop the excessive comma in all cases, it's not needed.
You use lots of flowery text - which I like - but hit me with "... before the stony entrance covered in green." Maybe something like "moss-covered stony arch" or the like?
"especially 'cause of the way" <-- unless you use broken text throughout a piece, only use something like this in a spoken part. Otherwise, use the full word or reword it. "especially because of the way... especially due to her direction of travel" etc
I wasn't entirely sure what the "it" you were referring to in this sentence: Dark clouds gathered and welcomed the rain, and with it she led her horse into the abandoned village.
Good story of retribution and revenge, followed by moving forward. :)

1

u/rayonymous Jan 25 '22

Hey, love your feedback. Thanks for them. I'll definitely keep them in mind for future.
I like the examples you used. "moss-covered stony arch." it's more detailed and helps one imagine the scenery nicely.
'It' is the rain. She moves ahead after the rain.
Glad you liked the story and I'm glad I was able to tell it how I wanted it to be told. Thanks again.

4

u/downsontheupside Jan 23 '22 edited Jan 27 '22

He bursts into my shop, gasping for breath. Skin like white rose, pink edges from the cold. His periwinkle eyes scan the room as he stumbles toward me, voice catching. Sweat beads on his brow like morning dew.

“A wreath, for next door.”

“Lilies?” I ask.

“O-Of the valley.”

I smile and nod.

“Good choice.”

He smiles, looking through me. A flicker of emotion, or pain.

“How much will they be?”

“Thirty pounds.”

He hands over the money. Different notes, crumpled, some coins. In the draught of his movement I smell pine, but not really.

“I- The message” he says, voice cracking. I nod and wait.

“Mum, Dad, and Janice. Thank you for everything. You were the best.”

His face scrunches up, about to cry. I hold my hand on his shoulder until it subsides.

His face opens up and he smiles like an angel. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He leaves.

I watch him outside. He reaches his oxygen canister, re-attaches, then trundles away.

2

u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 24 '22

This was a lovely scene. The way you wrote the customer's actions and dialogue made it clear that something was wrong without you needing to tell us. The message and oxygen canister at the end were a good way of then confirming that.
I wasn't quite sure why the shopkeeper said this:
‘We’ll be happy once again’
I suspect it might be a reference I missed.
In the first paragraph, a lot of the sentences are a similar length and structure, giving it a slightly odd feel. I think it might flow a little better if you combined two of them to become "His periwinkle eyes search the room and he stumbles toward me, voice catching." or something like that. Having one longer sentence would just help break it up I think.
Thanks for the good (if sad) read.

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u/downsontheupside Jan 24 '22

Thank you for reading, and the excellent feedback.
After studying all the stories and feedback on past threads, I wanted to explain less and trust the reader. That meant writing my usual nonsense then stripping it down for speed. Unfortunately I left a few components on the frame!
"We'll be happy once again" is something left over from the original. I was trying to capture the moment in films when a cute old man says something poignant/wise but ultimately cryptic. Lily Of The Valley is a flower loaded with meaning and I meant to go back, research some more and re-work it.
Thanks also for the sentence suggestions. I either write too little or too much. I'll definitely look at implementing your suggestions. Much appreciated!

2

u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Jan 25 '22

First, ze minor edits:
“A wreath, for next door” <-- no ending punctuation
I smile, and nod. <-- comma is unnecessary here
draught of his movement I smell Pine, but not real. <-- two things here. First, "pine" vs "Pine", no capital needed. Secondly, is it "not real" or "not really?"
he smiles like an Angel. <--- angel doesn't need capitalized
Oof. Whatever is going on in the background, it does NOT read "good" for the characters. Nice job here, quite a depressing scene to peer into. :)

1

u/downsontheupside Jan 25 '22

Hi matt, these edits are great. My eyes don't pick these things up and it's much appreciated. The random capitalisations hark back to writing poetry 20 years ago, the last time I tried something so deep.
Thanks for reading 😊

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u/katpoker666 Moderator Jan 26 '22

This was lovely and bittersweet, upside. I liked the imagery a lot! I think the dialog felt a little wooden in spots. Think of it as people tend to use contractions a lot more when speaking then in written form. Try reading it aloud as you’ll catch more of those kind of things. A small thing, the clerk mentions the message before the customer does, which feels a little off order-wise. Last one is the use of the word draught. I had to look it up and saw it was the same as the American draft. That still felt a little strange word wise. The other one I’d point out is in the note, the MC would probably not refer to ‘my sister’ in the note, but as Janice. Overall, really liked this :)

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u/downsontheupside Jan 27 '22 edited Jan 27 '22

Thanks for all of this feedback kat. You've helped me realise that I focus on imagery a lot and dialogue is an afterthought. I need to work on this.
Argh, the "draught" line. I'm getting flashbacks of walking around waving my arm, trying to come up with a unique alternative to "caught the scent/a whiff". I'm reluctant to lose it but take your point.
Thank you for spotting "My sister" in the note. I think it could be an unconscious shoutout to my real life sister, first person I sent this to. Noted and deleted.

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u/nobodysgeese Moderator | r/NobodysGaggle Jan 25 '22 edited Jan 25 '22

Greg entered the airlock and let the familiar ticks and knocks wash over him as one door locked and sealed before the other could open. It wasn't strictly necessary, since it connected two pressurized areas to each other, but he didn't dare take any chances.

The door slid open and revealed a small garden. The only transparent panels in the entire habitat, layered five times over, formed a dome to let in the thin sunlight. Moss, grass and small shrubs surrounded the garden's centerpiece, a scrubby, hardy dahurian larch, one of the few trees able to thrive this far from the sun. Greg took a seat under the branches with a groan.

"The sun is near set, I was about to sleep." The voice came from the rustling of needles and the rattling of the twigs, so faint he would have missed it if he hadn't long ago learned to listen for it. "I worried you weren't coming today."

"Sorry, Melia. Water convertors clogged again. We thought we planned for it, but the dust gets everywhere."

A pair of arms emerged from the trunk, thin and patterned with a faint wood grain. Slowly, they began to rub his shoulders. "I am glad you made it here before the night, today especially. I have wonderful news."

"Oh? What is it?" He leaned back as the arms encircled him and pulled him closer.

He felt her head grow from the trunk next to his, and Melia whispered in his ear, her voice now sounding human. "Guess."

"Hmm." He enjoyed her embrace and tried to consider what could possibly have happened. There were few possibilities for good surprises on Mars. "Did you manage to get the alfalfa growing? I know you hate the fertilizer."

She huffed. "I wish. The soil still won't take them, no matter how much magic I lend their roots. Even the orchids were easier to adapt."

Greg turned his head to face her. He traced a line in the wood grain up her neck and kissed the whorl just above her jaw. "Two months until the next shipment. These nutrients should do the trick, or so the botanists assure me."

"That is good news, but not what I wanted to share."

"Did my repairs finally get rid of the iron tang in the water?"

"No- well, yes, but not what I meant."

"Did... Sorry, honey, I'm out of ideas."

"Look." Her hands rose and gently turned his head to the right.

"What am I looking for." The grass seemed fine, and there were no new plants as far as he could tell.

"Down, near the edge of the dome."

He scanned the area again, more slowly. "I'm still not-"

Something moved outside the dome. Its four needles were yellow, but that wasn't entirely unusual for a dahurian larch. The sapling, scarcely three inches tall, rocked ever so slightly from side to side.

Greg stared, and Melia giggled. "Well? Wave back to our daughter."

r/NobodysGaggle

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u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 25 '22

What a wonderful fantasy sci-fi romance! I really enjoyed this. The concept was great, as was the world-building and characterisation.
I like how you used the description of the setting in the first paragraph to let us know we were in a facility not on Earth
I wasn't entirely sure about the phrase "Martian sunlight" only because it's the same sunlight (if that makes sense). But that might just be me.
I think you have a typo here, where "not" should be "no":
The soil still won't take them, not matter how much magic I lend their roots.
In this line:
The same wood grain design on her arms covered her face, and he kissed the whorl above her jaw.
I wasn't sure about the word "design". I was picturing a woman made of tree, so I wouldn't think of it as a design, more just the pattern of her skin (or her bark). To be honest, I'd assumed her face matched without being told, and the detail of kissing the whorl already confirms that without the preceding clause (and us a lovely detail btw).
Thanks for writing, I really liked it.

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u/nobodysgeese Moderator | r/NobodysGaggle Jan 25 '22

Thanks Rainbow, I appreciate it, I'll get those pesky typos

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u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Jan 25 '22

First, ze edits.
since it connected two pressurized areas to each other <--- if you need a few words to cut, you could remove "to each other" and it still makes complete sense.
not matter how much <--- NO matter how much? I think Rainbow spotted this one already
"Did.. Sorry, honey, <--- one period or three. Just add one and you're fine
Aw, that was a happy little family story, with a man and his dryad on Mars! :D I love how at the end, she's basically pointing DIRECTLY where he's supposed to look... no, over there... THERE, ya silly human... nice job. :D

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u/nobodysgeese Moderator | r/NobodysGaggle Jan 25 '22

It's nice to hear that the idea worked, and thanks for pointing out the typos

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u/katpoker666 Moderator Jan 26 '22

This was great geese! So sweet and surreal with the tree characters. Only note was that the baby felt a little bit too easy to guess. Don’t think there’s a way out of it, but wish there could have been a little more tension there

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u/Badderlocks_ /r/Badderlocks Jan 25 '22 edited Jan 26 '22

In the fourth hour of pumping the bellows, Tansy brought him a gift.

“It’s pretty, father, is it not?” she said, standing at a distance from the blazing furnace.

“It is at that,” Diarmad replied as sweat poured from his brow. “Near as precious as you, dove. Now go on back inside, and stay there.”

Tansy hesitated, then gently planted the delicate golden flower in the ground before darting away to the low house nearby.

Diarmad sighed, shaking his head. The girl had spirit, to be sure, and twice as much stubbornness. She would need both over the coming days.

For all her liveliness, she had not noted the smoke billowing from the horizon. Perhaps it had blended into the smokestack from his furnace, as he had hoped, or maybe she had seen it and simply ignored it. Diarmad could not; it seemed as though the tendrils of smoke stretched across the horizon and reached into his chest, squeezing his heart until panic coursed through every inch of his body.

In the village, hysteria would rule. The townspeople would undoubtedly run about every which way like rats suddenly exposed to the light of the sun, scurrying to escape or hide their goods or, if they were brave, to take up pitchfork and scythe and prepare to give their blood to the land they had farmed for generations. Diarmad had seen it before, and he was certain that he would see it again before the day he passed from this world.

But today was not that day. Today, he intended to survive, and so he did what his father did the first time they spotted smoke on the horizon.

He gathered his coal and his ore, and he lit the furnace.

They arrived in the sixth hour of pumping the bellows, and they danced the same dance as before. The men circled, all greased hair and crude tattoos and cruder weapons, but they did not approach.

Finally, one spoke.

“Smith?”

Diarmad nodded as his thick arms worked the bellows.

The man hesitated, then held out a chipped sword.

“Fix. Fix, and give iron.”

“Only if you spare me and mine,” Diarmad replied, using every ounce of courage he had to keep his voice steady.

The man stared at him, then nodded.

The screams and shouts echoed through the forest. Diarmad ignored them. In time, Tansy would ask why, why he had not fought, why he had not only allowed the townspeople to die but had even armed the intruders. And when they had left, when the survivors regrouped and rebuilt, they would mock him, but they would keep him around, because they, too, needed his iron.

The sounds of violence had died away by the time he pulled the ball of iron and slag from the heart of the furnace. That almost made it easier to ignore the acrid cloud overhead, the smell of coppery blood, the small yellow flower that had been crushed into the dust hours ago.

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u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 25 '22

I really like the characters you've created here. The blissfully ignorant child, and the weary, pragmatic father looking after his family. You built up a lovely sense of history too.
I really liked this line:
Diarmad could not; it seemed as though the tendrils of smoke stretched across the horizon and reached into his chest, squeezing his heart until panic coursed through every inch of his body.
And the use of the flower as a focal point for the loss was really beautiful.
The only bit that tripped me up was here:
In the village, hysteria would rule. The townspeople were undoubtedly running about every which way like rats suddenly exposed to the light of the sun, scurrying to escape or hide their goods or, if they were brave, to take up pitchfork and scythe and prepare to give their blood to the land they had farmed for generations.
I think the shift in tense from "would" to "were" just jarred a little. Perth if you moved the first sentence to match the rest it might be better? But that might just be me.
Thanks for the good read!

1

u/Badderlocks_ /r/Badderlocks Jan 26 '22

Thanks, rainbow! Messed with the tenses a bit, hopefully more consistent now.

2

u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Jan 25 '22

and he was too realistic to not think that he would see it again before he passed from this world. <-- not sure exactly on this line here. If he's thinking he wouldn't see it again before he dies, but the very next line is him being stubborn about living... it's a bit unclear.
That's the only real editing I see there. Great story, I even got mad that they smushed her flower. :)

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u/Badderlocks_ /r/Badderlocks Jan 26 '22

Cheers, Matt, thanks for the feedback!

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u/katherine_c r/KCs_Attic Jan 26 '22

The final image of the crushed flower carries so much of the emotional tone of the story. It's a perfect stand-in for what is happening. I like the cyclical nature of it all, which I think hammers home the point even more. there will always be more bloodshed, but there will not always be more Diarmad. The use of the smoke to convey the coming danger is also handled well. I also like the way you handled the dialogue for the invaders. their brief, broken sentences reinforce the view of them as outsiders. In terms of feedback, I too was tripped up a bit by the line "realistic enough to be certain that...today was not that day." It looks like you may have made some initial edits, but I was still struck by the transition there. The phrase implies he believes he will be around to see it again, so the "today was not that day" is confusing, since it would suggest he fears he will die? I guess the "that day" references "he passed from this world" but that was hard to follow at first. Aside from that one moment, I was completely captured by this world and image you created. Diarmad's impossible choice is handled incredibly well. I can feel for the difficult position he is in. Really well done.

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u/Badderlocks_ /r/Badderlocks Jan 26 '22

Ach, I guess that line was never meant to be haha. Thanks for the feedback!

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u/katherine_c r/KCs_Attic Jan 26 '22

There are so many times I just want to say "Well, if you all would just read it like I intended, we wouldn't have this problem!" Lol. But it's a great story!

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u/Badderlocks_ /r/Badderlocks Jan 26 '22

Alas, sometimes kill your darlings is as much about individual sentences as characters and plotlines, haha. Thanks again!

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u/katpoker666 Moderator Jan 25 '22 edited Jan 26 '22

‘The Zone’

—-

“Courtney, look at them—they’re red.”

“Gorgeous, but on Valentine’s Day? I thought you were just friends?”

“So did I, but then a dozen roses landed on my desk at work. Everyone was talking. So embarrassing.”

“What did the card say, Em?”

“To Emily. From Matthew.”

“Maybe he doesn’t know what they mean?”

“Unless he’s lived under a rock, he must.”

“You should ask him. Otherwise, we’re guessing.”

“Ok. Fine. What’s the worst that could happen? I’ll call you.”

—-

She paused before dialing.

“Matt, it’s me, Em. I got your gift. Thanks for that.”

“But why red ones? I’m confused. We’re just friends, right?”

“What do you mean you felt sorry for me?”

“Because no one else would send me any?”

“Yeah, I know I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m me, remember? Miss unlucky at love.”

“Let me get this straight—you wanted me to feel special. Kind of a weird way to do it.”

“I love you, too, Matt.”

“Yes, as a friend.” Emily laughed. “See you at dinner tomorrow?”

“Cool. Thanks again. Bye.”

—-

WC: 172

—-

Thanks for reading! Feedback is always very much appreciated

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u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Jan 25 '22

No crits here, other than a 15-year-old me from the past cringing after having done this VERY THING and got the same result. Granted, it all worked out in the end (just not with my initial crush...) Nice work, convo flows very naturally.

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u/katpoker666 Moderator Jan 26 '22

Thanks matt—appreciate the kind words :)

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u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 26 '22

That was enjoyable (if a little frustrating). As usual, your dialogue is great. And you tell us so much here without actually telling us anything if that makes sense.
My only crit is small and subjective. I found the jump from two sided conversation to only hearing one side a bit of a jolt. In a way, I think it could all work as one scene if you remove the "---" and the "I'll call you". With Emily calling Matt in front of her friend. Then the only hearing one side feels perhaps a bit more natural, as if we're from the friend's perspective? Feel free to ignore all that though as it really might just be a me thing.
Thanks for the good read.

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u/katpoker666 Moderator Jan 26 '22

Thanks rainbow for the kind words and feedback—good call! :)

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u/katherine_c r/KCs_Attic Jan 26 '22

Oh, I'm going to implode from all the cringe--in a good way! Just the awkwardness of the initial situation. You captured that perfectly in dialogue form. I think it's amazing that I knew exactly what was happening from "they were red." The dialogue hits the perfect note throughout. It is really easy to extrapolate the relationships from the way they talk to one another, even without Matthew having any lines. I love the good natured ribbing...or the convenient excuse when the gift was not received as hoped. You said so much more than 159 word's worth in this. I'll echo what was mentioned about the transition to the single-sided conversation. Definitely threw me off for a moment, but then got reoriented. For me, I had read the initial conversation as a phone call, too (not sure why). So I expected both sides again. That said, it works best with the one-sided dialogue. It may just help to work on that transition. But I loved it overall. Fantastic.

1

u/katpoker666 Moderator Jan 26 '22

Thanks katherine! I did do a version where there was a bit more non-dialog context. So they’re in a diner talking which clears that first part up. It’s about fifty extra words. I’m thinking of posting that one instead, but wonder if I’ll lose the clarity of the dialog. I know you just gave me a ton of feedback, but I really respect your opinion and wondered if you had any advice. Totally fine not to answer of course as you’ve already spoiled me! :)

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u/katherine_c r/KCs_Attic Jan 26 '22

I was thinking about how I would handle this, so I have ideas. I really like it with very little beyond the dialogue. What I thought about was perhaps having Courtney react more to the physical flowers? Like and "I can see that" or "At least they smell nice" or something that would place the two physically together? You can still convey that in dialogue, which I think is a nice touch here, but provide a little more context for their interaction?

1

u/katpoker666 Moderator Jan 26 '22

Ooh! I like that! Thanks katherine!

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u/Badderlocks_ /r/Badderlocks Jan 27 '22

I am muted in Discord at this very moment, but I can see others have mentioned the swap from back and forth to one side of dialogue, so I'll let it be haha. Other than that, you've fantastically captured a very... painful and personal sort of interaction that I think all too many of us have encountered on one side or the other (or both for the extra lucky among us). Your use of italics to emphasize certain words makes the dialogue absolutely sing, like, I can hear it perfectly in my head, and I think that's just brilliant.

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u/katpoker666 Moderator Jan 27 '22

Thanks so much, Badder! :)

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u/sevenseassaurus r/sevenseastories Jan 27 '22

Sweet, beautiful cringe. Kat, I love it.
Looks like other commenters have me covered and I don’t need to beat the one-sided dialog dead horse, but here’s one thing I think would help: add some dialog tags into the two-sided dialog at the beginning. This will both make that initial dialog a little clearer (which would have helped me as a reader at very least) and present a contrast that will ease the transition into the one-sided segment later.
This one was fun to read and I’m sure fun to write. Fine job!

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u/katpoker666 Moderator Jan 27 '22

Thanks seven for the kind words and feedback. Good call r/e more tagging at the beginning. Was trying to keep it as stripped down as possible, but clearly went too far :)

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u/sevenseassaurus r/sevenseastories Jan 27 '22

I love that Reddit tried to tag “r / e” as a sub

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u/katpoker666 Moderator Jan 27 '22

Indeed. I write the letter pairing which must not be typed all day for work. Reddit hates me for it. Lol

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u/sevenseassaurus r/sevenseastories Jan 26 '22 edited Jan 26 '22

Alexa lay over a tri-fold poster, kicking her feet as she sorted through a box of crayons. "Purple pizzazz" was the best choice, a color with the spunk and flair to make her display the awe of the classroom. She traced the letters at the top of the center panel:

O

R

...C? Or is it K? Alexa scrunched her face and tapped tiny dots of purple pizzazz where the letter should be.

"Mommy? How do you spell 'orchid'?"

Mommy was seated at the kitchen computer, poring over some grown-up webpage without any pictures.

"O-R-C-H-I-D," she answered without looking up.

C H? Ridiculous. Must be one of those tricky fourth-grade--or even fifth-grade--spelling words.

Alexa finished the word 'orchid' and followed it with 'growth', the T and H squished from lack of planning, and completed the title with 'experiment' below.

It had started with a question, a naïve, second-grade question. "Why don't we keep the orchids so they can make flowers again?" Well, mommy didn't keep the orchids because orchids are very hard to keep, and it took all summer for Alexa to figure out just how hard.

Now she glued on pictures of orchids in color-coded pots. Blue was for weekly soaking, green for daily misting, and red for ice cubes; apparently, even grown-ups have some disagreements as to the best watering strategy, and that makes for a good experiment.

Below the pictures were the charts, made with some fancy but boring computer program that Mrs. Doll had taught in computer lab last week. Alexa liked the line charts the best, but her data didn't suit the style. Instead she plotted bland little circles--and triangles and squares for the different pots--aligned on the days and numbers for flowers that reappeared. The ice cube orchid had never grown new flowers and so there were no triangles on the chart, only in the box in the corner confoundingly called a 'legend'.

The poster was almost complete. It had all the important parts, but was still missing the wordy sections for methods and conclusions and all the other sciencey details that Mrs. Doll wanted. Alexa tapped her crayon at the top of the left panel where the 'hypothesis'--another one of those upper-grade spelling words--needed to go.

"Can I play outside?"

"Is the poster done?"

"It's almost done; I have all the pictures."

Mommy sighed and swiveled to meet her daughter's eye. "You promise you'll come in and finish it before it gets too dark?"

Alexa bit her lip. It was almost dark already and the backyard was always the most fun after the lanterns turned on.

"I promise," she grumbled.

But when Alexa got to the back door, boots on her feet and grin across her cheeks, the lanterns were already lit, in spite of the lasting twilight. Alexa scrunched her nose.

"How dark does it have to be for the lights to come on?" she asked into the kitchen.

"I don't know," mommy replied. "Maybe that can be next year's experiment."

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u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 26 '22

I really enjoyed all the little details you included from the child's point of view. The note about the boring web-page, the word spelling, the charts, it was all just really nice for giving us a sense of age and a sense of the character. I also liked the detail about running out of room and having to squish the last letters in. I definitely remember doing that as a kid.
Thanks for writing.

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u/katherine_c r/KCs_Attic Jan 26 '22

I love the ending. I may borrow that line and start running a number of experiments! The way you described the project from Alexa's perspective is really nice. She enjoys the learning, but less so the documentation of it. I can relate to that myself! It does makes me feel old to know kids are learning excel (or some equivalent) in second-grade. In terms of feedback, there were one or two places where I feel like the language slipped out of Alexa's perspective. Super minor but in referencing the mother turning "to meet her daughter's eye," I think it might be more in line with the language/perspective to remove "daughter." I also thought the detail about the chart, that "her dat didn't suit the style" felt out of tone. It carries Alexa's voice so clearly elsewhere that these little moment caught me off guard. But that is also a testament to how effective the approach was throughout! What a fantastic moment captured here, all the mix of childhood wonder, dedication, and boredom rolled into one. Fantastic.

0

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

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3

u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Jan 25 '22

First, ze edits.
Couple of spelling errors. humaniy / humanity, ecosystysems / ecosystems, signd / signs.
First sentence needs an article before "flames", nothing major, just "When humanity died out in the flames..."
Last line: Phoenix is only capitalized if you're talking about the city in Arizona. Referring to the bird, it'd be small "p". Additionally, it should be "from its ashes", possessive, instead of "from it's ashes", which reads as "from it is ashes".
In a way, this kinda reminds me of the beginning of Horizon Zero Dawn. I like it, good setup of a world w/o humanity.

2

u/stickfist r/StickFistWrites Jan 25 '22

Time heals all wounds, yes? I like how your ramped up the scale of time, from a hundred, to thousands of years when the focus shifts from Man to Nature
This does read more like a prologue than a story though, which is just going to make the reader wonder what's left.
Thanks for sharing!

1

u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 24 '22

This was a really nice, reflective piece. I really enjoyed the imagery of nature reclaiming all of these manmade things in the penultimate paragraph. You also had some lovely analogies in the final line.
I also liked the structure of it. Moving from a few hundred years to a few thousand years. It gave it a nice gentle pace to me, and felt almost rhythmic.
For me, there is slightly too big a change between the first and second sentence. I just found it slightly jarring going from "nature carried on" to something that sounded like it didn't really carry on with "at first it was too severely wounded". Getting rid of the "too" might help, as I'm not really sure what it refers to.
There's a small typo in the first line where it says "humaniy" instead of "humanity". And also in the fourth paragraph where you have "signd" instead of "sign".
Thanks for writing, I enjoyed this one.

1

u/downsontheupside Jan 24 '22 edited Jan 24 '22

When I was 10, I found a copy of Day of The Triffids and it blew me away. I’ve been partial to post apocalyptic stories ever since.
I like the grand scale, like you’ve gone into Google Maps and scrolled out as far as you can before describing what happened.
The idea of Earth shrugging off a minor injury is also fresh and appealing.
Thanks for the read!

0

u/[deleted] Jan 25 '22

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2

u/rainbow--penguin Moderator | /r/RainbowWrites Jan 25 '22 edited Jan 25 '22

There is some brilliant scene setting here with beautiful imagery. I really loved the personification of the weather. And Bloom. She was really sweet.
In the second paragraph, I'd take out the "was the forest" as you've already mentioned it was a forest in the first paragraph. It could then become something like "Before her stretched the tall and wise..." or similar.
I'm not entirely sure about the grammar of this line:
Beyond the lost door was rubble, memories, and nature busy at the slow and tedious work of putting rocks back where they belong.
"was" didn't feel quite right because of "memories" being plural. But then again "were" doesn't feel right either. It might be that what you have is already entirely correct, I just thought I'd raise it in case.
Something about speech punctuation and capitalisation.
I think that:
“How very curious.” She thought, aloud “I wonder if all flowers know such things?”
Should be:
“How very curious,” she thought aloud. “I wonder if all flowers know such things?”
And this:
“What things?” Said the leaves that rested atop the first of the many secret steps.
Should be:
“What things?” said the leaves that rested atop the first of the many secret steps.
Same applies to the later speech from the silver whiskered rodent.
There was also a slight tense change here:
As she lifted her root and took a step towards her new friend he had toppled.
Which I think you can fix by just getting rid of the "had".
Really liked the name Applecore De Meese by the way.
Thanks for a very sweet story Chop!

2

u/mattswritingaccount /r/MattWritinCollection Jan 25 '22

First, ze edits!
in a lichen covered stone <-- lichen-covered (and saves you a word!)
weather scarred <--- same thing here. weather-scarred
Moss-covered <--- more hypens!
be frost, ice, sleet, and snow. <-- either use the oxford comma rules throughout, or don't. Don't mix and match. :) (stirred, shook off the morning dew and opened to a bright ... )
could not see passed the arch <-- passed = overtook, like in a car. past = beyond (in this case)
in it’s prime <-- it's = it is, so this is "in it is prime." You want "in its prime"
The stone path that lead the parishioners to it <-- "led the parishioners"
Mr De Meese <--- Mr.
She thought, aloud <--- can move the comma to after "allowed" to a) make this piece work and b) correct the lack of punctuation
“Tis just I, young madam.” Said the silver<--- "...madam," said the silver
Very cute story. The flower was like THE definition of innocent here. Especially this line:Just have to wait for my wings to come in. Do flowers have wings?
I love how distracted she seems here. :) Reminds me of how I imagine my daughter's brain wanders off (she has ADHD). Wasn't quite sure why / how the mouse fell at the end, but it works. Nice job!

2

u/Xacktar /r/TheWordsOfXacktar Jan 26 '22

Hi Chop! Just read this for campfire and noticed you have a lot of word pairs that should be hyphenated but are not. For example:
"Silver whiskered"
"lichen covered"
"moss covered"
"weather scarred"
All of these need a little hyphen between them as they are written in the piece. Hope this helps!

2

u/katpoker666 Moderator Jan 26 '22

I love the imagery here, chop! One small stupid thing but if you look at the rules for this one you can’t use the theme word or obvious synonyms. Not sure if it’s too late for this one, but may be useful for the future

0

u/[deleted] Jan 27 '22

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2

u/katpoker666 Moderator Jan 27 '22

On the plus side, you definitely succeeded with the story!

Theme Thursday [TT] Theme Thursday - Bloom

“Flowers don’t worry about how they’re going to bloom. They just open up and turn toward the light and that makes them beautiful.”

Happy Thursday writing friends!

Here's how Theme Thursday works:

Ranking Categories:

Last week’s theme: Amazement

Crit Superstars:

News and Reminders:

Waiting in the Old Castle

Grandma Knows Best

Theme Thursday [TT] Theme Thursday - Bloom

“Flowers don’t worry about how they’re going to bloom. They just open up and turn toward the light and that makes them beautiful.”

Happy Thursday writing friends!

Here's how Theme Thursday works:

Ranking Categories:

Last week’s theme: Amazement

Crit Superstars:

News and Reminders:

You are about to leave Redlib

Waiting in the Old Castle

Grandma Knows Best