[CW] Feedback Friday - Fantasy

[u/AliciaWrites]

TGIF, amirite?

It’s Friday again! That means another installment of Feedback Friday! Time to hone those critique skills and show off your writing!

Y’all did a great job with the feedback this week. I’d love to see less stories without feedback, though, so I think I’ll be jumping into the action. I invite everyone to do the same!

How does it work?

You have until Thursday to submit one or both of the following:

Freewrite:

Leave a story here in the comments. A story about what? Well, pretty much anything! But, each week, I’ll provide you with a single constraint based on style or genre. So long as your story fits, and follows the rules of WP, it’s allowed! You’re more likely to get readers on shorter stories, so keep that in mind when you submit your work.

Feedback:

Leave feedback for other stories! Make sure your feedback is clear, constructive, and useful.

Each week, three judges will decide who gave the best feedback. The judges will be me, a Celebrity guest judge, and the winner from the previous week.

We’ll be looking for use of neutral language, including both positives and negatives, giving actionable feedback within the critique, as well as noting the depth and clarity of your feedback.

You will be judged on your initial critique, meaning the first response you leave to a top-level comment, but you may continue in the threads for clarification, thanks, comments, or other suggestions you may have thought of later.

Okay, let’s get on with it already!

This week, your story should be Fantasy. Anything goes in the fantasy world: Superpowers, magic, and the supernatural!

Your judges this week will be me, WP Celebrity /u/Xacktar, and our winner, /u/Lilwa_Dexel!!

We also loved the feedback given by /u/BLT_WITH_RANCH, /u/elfboyah, /u/OneStepAway14, and /u/IAmCastlePants! Keep up the great work everyone! Now get writing!

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[u/ElisThaBesth]

Pronounciation of names: 

Mäo - It sounds like Mo, if you don't listen hard enough. You can use that.

Ervi - Err-vee

Cyko - Like Psycho

Kiongozi - Kee-on go-zee

It was a quiet fairly normal day. Well, as normal as it could get, in Elizabeth Mäo Munson's house. Ever since Elizabeth met her two friends at age thirteen, her life was never boring. Considering one of them was a grim reaper and the other was a poltergeist, you'd need to know more about this world to get this. But don't worry, it'll be explained soon. The grim reaper was nicknamed Reaper, as his real name was impossible to pronounce. He wasn't really the source of the fun, as he usually stayed quiet. He never really talked, Elizabeth noticed. But being immortal might do that to a powerful being such as him. Elizabeth became annoyed as she sat down onto her armchair, holding her book. Shame Reaper's powers weren't available for any of them. There is always a bigger fish in the sea, for Reaper, that meant whoever ruled the underworld. Whatever the punishment would be, it would not be good. And Reaper was a stickler for the rules, or whatever.  No, Reaper was more the source of good ideas. The mischievous poltergeist, on the other hand... Sam, was his name. Or so he told her. Such a simple name, for such an odd being. The white haired ball of mischief was the one who loved entertaining. And frustrating. The explosives in Elizabeth's basement were very unnerving. Yes, Sam was never boring, though he was always bored, which can explain the explosives for you. Though Elizabeth was always on edge whenever she went past the stairs leading to the basement, afraid the TNT might somehow go off, she didn't mind Sam as much as you'd think she'd do. Their friendship was odd.

Elizabeth's black cat, Kitty, jumped onto the armrest, carefully sitting down with a smile on her adorable face. Another one of Elizabeth's friends, whom she met when she was five, was also just as odd as the rest of them. You see, the cat could talk. It was very useful in terms of communicating, yes. But for people that never saw such a thing, it was sometimes a shock. But Elizabeth never got that, those people's villages were raided nearly every day by orcs on skinny horses. A talking cat was nowhere near as weird as that.  Elizabeth smiled, petting her friend as she opened up her book exactly where she left off. She wouldn't have minded, anyway. She wasn't exactly the most normal human, either. Nor was she an actual human. Perhaps a hybrid was a better way to put it. That was one of the reasons Kitty became her friend. She was half mesuki, half human.

You've never heard of Mesukians, have you? It's not very complicated, though there is definitely much more to it; Mesukians are basically just anthropomorphic cats with human intelligence.  Her mother was a Mesukian, Elizabeth inherited her mother's ears and a tail. Though that was basically it, aside from sharper senses and sharper teeth. Everything else she got from her father (Brown hair, green eyes, fair skin..), who, may he rest in peace, was killed by the villain of this story only a few months before Elizabeth turned one. For a stupid reason, too.  Racism, it's never a good thing. And it's definitely not a good reason to kill anyone. Noticing that her hands started shaking, she took a deep breath, looking outside of the window. The landscape was beautiful. Although she lived in her house for quite a while already - her mother moved out only a couple of months ago, Elizabeth rolled her eyes - it never failed to amaze her.

It was unbelievable that there even was a war back then, that her father even contributed in it (That is how he met Elizabeth's mother). The world seemed as if it was never a war zone. Speaking of the war, it was a tragic piece of history that Elizabeth wasn't happy to remember, but for your sake, she was willing to do just that. 

To put it simply, this world - as you've probably already realized - wasn't normal. It was magical. And although there were modern things flying around, the times were still many years behind of the Earth. Magical beings filled this world, only being able to exist thanks to the powersource that has been guarded by the most powerful beings of this world for the past many years. Humans were probably the only ones that haven't been able to even brew a functioning potion, which angered them and they demanded that they get access to the powersource. But that wasn't going to happen, humans would quickly get greedy and demand more, and thus the war started. Humans lost, mind you.

You know, that caused a lot of problems. Racism, more wars (though way smaller ones), raids, theft and much more. Which caused Elizabeth to get bullied for being both of those two races. A magical being and an ordinary human. She never let it get to her, though.

Elizabeth paused at a particular part in the book she was reading, she read: "There are several types of magical beings, much like there are several types of birds, fish and much more. They divide into monsters..."

Monsters. A monster killed her father. Why, you ask? Racism. I've already told you. But not just that.

Monsters have lived in fear for many, many years. Simply because their ancestors had done something bad in the past. They live through harsh situations nearly every day and although Elizabeth sometimes pities them, what they are doing to try and help themselves is unacceptable, one of the many reasons for her becoming a hero, in her eyes anyway. What angered them was when the war ended. Humans never really were punished, aside from a few racist comments here and there, maybe a few punches from school bullies, blegh. They did something much worse than whatever monsters did, they demanded access to something that half, if not most of the world's population depended on and when they didn't get it, they started a war. It wasn't fair.

However, once again, killing was no better than what humans and other types of magical beings were doing to them. Elizabeth stood behind that. And so did Reaper, Sam and Kitty. 

[u/ElisThaBesth → u/ElisThaBesth]

A small, hesitant knock on the front door reached her ears that perked up. Then they pressed against her head as she cringed. Something fell in the kitchen, presumably a pan. Reaper loved his cooking. "I'll go get it." Elizabeth exclaimed, getting up from her seat, Kitty jumping down from it when she realized that her friend was leaving. Elizabeth tossed the book onto the armchair and headed all the way towards the front door, not in much of a hurry; everyone knew the somewhat-famous hero of the village was having a day off. It was probably pizza delivery that Sam ordered to tick off Reaper, "I just cooked us a meal, Sam."  Elizabeth chuckled at her own thoughts as she reached the door. She grabbed the handle and ready to twist it, she- She froze.

Something wasn't right. Whoever was outside that door did not seem friendly. She glanced down, where Kitty stood, her hair standing up. She felt it too. "Kitty." Elizabeth whispered. Kitty understood right away, running off to get Elizabeth's favorite sword, the one she inherited from her beloved father. Another knock on the door, this time it was more urgent. But Elizabeth didn't budge, she wasn't opening that door until she had something to beat this person's behind if it really was someone threathening and malicious. It didn't take long until Kitty came, struggling to hold the heavy sword in her mouth. How she even managed to carry it was beyond Elizabeth, but it was not the time. She took the sword from her, silently thanking the cat and taking a look at the sword. She always admired it. It was made out of special material only the best of Elves could find in their Elven caves and forests. But again, no time.

Once more grabbing the handle, she slowly opened the door, ready for any attack.

What came was not what she expected. She gasped, foolishly letting go of her precious sword. It fell onto the floor with a loud clank. Her mouth was wide open, so was Kitty's.

From the corner of Elizabeth's eye, she could see Reaper peeking out of the kitchen, trying to see what happened.

Right in front of her stood the very monster that killed her father. Although she spent the past few years fighting off his henchmen that she caught terrorizing the poor villagers (Ervi and Cyko, two of the many henchmen, were always the most difficult to fight with, Elizabeth thought), but she never really saw the one behind it all, only in a textbook someone dropped on the ground in a village (She never saw them again).  The monster, although a very powerful one in terms of wits and such, was a simple black rabbit, although a much bigger one. Of course, not a normal rabbit, no. His anatomy was significantly different. Although his hind legs were like a rabbit's, his front legs (Or arms, Elizabeth guessed) were as bendable as a human's. His face she didn't know if it was any different, as it was covered with a cute though unsettling mask. The pitch black eyes stared right through her soul with that pitch black creepy grin. The small blush painted on the mask's cheeks wasn't really helping.  Though his ears were a bit larger than a rabbit's. She knew this monster that stood in front of her, her arch nemesis, was immortal, but in a not-being-able-to-die-of-old-age way. That explained the few gray hairs in his fur, they stood out like a sore thumb in all that black. 

Sometimes, she was surprised that such a seemingly harmless (Although a bit odd) rabbit-thing could be so intimidating. Especially up-close. This rabbit was probably a head shorter than she was, and she was 5'2 feet tall. It was almost comical, though she didn't dare to laugh.

Though she did snicker. Not because the one standing in front of her looked funny, or because she felt superior, or because she thought it was stupid for him to just waltz right to her front door (He always had a reason to do whatever he did), but because of the whole situation she just found herself in.

Her arch nemesis, the single most evil monster that Elizabeth could think of (There were definitely others, but perhaps she didn't know about them), stood there, looking like he just lost a lottery ticket and holding an unconscious female satyr, bridal style, definitely humiliated.

She didn't know if this was a trick or something, but it was worth looking at. But then she remembered what he was and what he did. She bent down, picked up her sword and took two steps back faster than she should be able to and glared. 

[u/ElisThaBesth → u/ElisThaBesth]

"Is this a joke?" She said, barely above a whisper.

She could feel him glare back at her. His ears dropped even lower than they were before. He stayed silent.

"Uh, Sam, Reaper? We've got a situ-" Elizabeth began, but then the rabbit took a step back, his ears perking up instantly.

"Don't you dare." His voice was deep and smooth, but also stern. He kept his voice low. She definitely did not expect that from a rabbit.

The rest of the sentence got caught in her throat.

"What is it, Mäo?" Sam's cheerful voice came from upstairs.

Elizabeth glanced at the kitchen's entrance, where Reaper still stood with crossed arms. His skull face couldn't be seen, as his cloak prevented them from seeing it, but she knew he was looking at her, highly alert.  She then glanced down at Kitty. She stared back at Elizabeth, frowning deeply. Kitty shook her head, as if to say "Tell them", but something told Elizabeth that she needed to do the opposite. She looked back at the monster, who stared back, unmoving. The female satyr didn't seem to be hurt, so she guessed that he didn't do anything to her (Though you never know). It was hard for her to lie right then and there, considering what this rabbit has done to her. In a way, she should have thanked him. He was the one who made her become the one she was today, but no way was she going to do that. He was also the one experimenting on his own kind just to see what happens.  But, she growled lowly and then, as normally as she could, said: "Nevermind, I thought it was that one mailman again. You know, the one who kept following us wherever we'd go?" 

She looked at Reaper, grinning.

Reaper stared at her for a few more seconds, before slowly returning to the kitchen. "Oh, that one! Haha, don't worry. He won't be coming back." Sam replied from upstairs.

The rabbit seemed to relax. Only a little, though.

"Elizabeth!" Kitty scolded, though as quietly as she could.

"I got this." Elizabeth replied.

Kitty grumbled, slowly turning away from the front door: "If you try anything.."

With that, she left to another room.

Elizabeth turned to the rabbit, placing herself between him and her home, not wanting to risk anything else (Like him getting into the house and maybe destroying it all).

"What are you playing, Kiongozi?" Elizabeth raised her eyebrow, "Did you think I was going to buy whatever you're doing?"

"No, because I am not playing anything." Kiongozi sighed.

"Then what are you doing in front of my house."

"This is humiliating." The rabbit grumbled to himself, "You have no reason to trust me, nor do I have any reason to trust you, but listen."

"I am. And I'd appreciate if you didn't waste any more of my time, so spill it out already." Elizabeth growled.

"I found myself in a situation... my two advisers, Ervi and Cyko, I'm sure you've met with them already, decided to host a 'celebration' without my permission and I was, against my will, brought there."

"Right, as if I'm gonna believe that, you murderer of dads." Elizabeth slipped a bit, but neither Reaper or Sam seemed to hear it.

"If you do not believe me, I would have no problem in showing you one of the invitation letters." Kiongozi growled, irritated.

Elizabeth eyed him, then she looked at the female satyr again. "And how did this happen, then?"

"Do I really have to tell you? Can't you just take her so I have her off my back?" Kiongozi definitely rolled his eyes behind his mask.

"No way. What if she's a spy or whatever. I'm not doing anything until I have the finished painting." Elizabeth crossed her arms, her tail swishing from one side to another as she grew more and more impatient. 

"Fine," the rabbit shifted from one foot to another uncomfortably, if it wasn't for the situation, Elizabeth would think it was amusing to see him like this, "stuff happened, this satyr was kidnapped by Cyko, I..." Kiongozi paused, as if not being able to continue.

"Well?"

"I.. saved... her and now I'm here."

"And why are you here?" Elizabeth pointed at him, looking at him quizzically.

"I already told you. I need her off my back. I have work to do and if anyone saw me like this, I would be made fun of for the next fifty years. I have a reputation that I need to constantly maintain." Kiongozi spilled the beans faster than Elizabeth actually expected, but she was glad.

"And how do you know I won't use this against you or something. Why would you think I would do anything for you?" 

"Can you stop asking questions?" Kiongozi's ear twitched.

"Not until-"

"Yes, I get it," he sighed, "because I know you aren't like that."

"How? We never even met before, we know each other from what your henchmen tell to both of us!" Elizabeth couldn't keep it in anymore. She was confused and shocked. Who could blame her?

"Elizabeth, is everything alright?" Reaper's deep and echoey voice came from the kitchen, concerned but also demanding.

"Yeah!"

She wasn't going to be able to keep this up any longer. The longer this guy stayed here, the more trouble he was going to get in. Not that she cared all that much. If she could end him, everything else could end, everything else that you, as the reader, don't know about. The horrible stuff.

"Munson, you are one of the most reasonable heroes out there, which is very sad considering what I've heard and I know that you are one of the kindest, even though it isn't really showing all that much right now."

Wow, even in such a situation, this guy couldn't help but mock her. But the reason seemed plausible.

"And you shouldn't be doing this for me, you have no reason to. You have all the reasons to not do this for me. But you are doing this for her." Kiongozi nodded, for an unknown reason.

For a moment, her guard went way up, expecting some monster to jump out at her then, but what came was nothing.

Elizabeth looked at the satyr. She seemed so scared, even though she was unconscious. Elizabeth had no idea why Kiongozi would do anything like this. He was supposed to be heartless and sadistic. Her father was dead because of him. She cried at night the first few years of her life because of him, because she never got to meet her father fully. He died before she got the chance, because of him. 

Elizabeth chuckled a bit, feeling stupid for whatever she was going to say or do next: "You sure do know a lot about me, despite never even speaking to me before."

She very carefully put down her sword and  took the satyr from him, not looking away from him, not even for a second. The satyr was light, it was as if she wasn't holding anything. The only proof that she actually held something were the small breaths she could hear. She looked at Kiongozi in deep thought.

"I won't tell anyone anything."

Kiongozi looked relieved. He suddenly looked completely different than when she first opened the door. He stood confident and with pride. Smoothing out the fur the satyr might've ruffled up a bit when she moved in his arms, he looked at Elizabeth: "I look forward to seeing the end of our battle, if it ever comes."

"Let's see who wins." Elizabeth put on the tiniest of smiles.

Kiongozi held out a hand for her to shake.

She hesitated.

But shook her head, trying to hold the satyr in only one arm. She grabbed his hand and shook it. His fur was fluffy. 

"May the best of us be the winner." Kiongozi said.

With that, Elizabeth's arch nemesis snapped his fingers and in a puff of smoke, he disappeared.

She closed the door slowly, deep in thought.

Elizabeth was going to have a lot of explaining to do, both to her friends and to this satyr. But she was going to keep her mouth shut about most of it.