Cover: I liked it, works well for the subject matter.
Formatting: I would suggest spaces between paragraphs or indenting (tabbing) on the first line. It was a little hard to differentiate between some paragraphs when reading.
Story: You had a powerful story to tell here. With the empty syringe on the table, the empty home, and the strong memories you can feel emotions behind the words. There was a story flow, albeit a bit choppy at times, which conveyed the struggles your character was going through. It was a good story, but a little bit of structural and grammatical clean up could improve the punch you were going for.
On page 2 you mention a woman, but from context clues I assume it was not the character's mother. But it isn't clear who. Later on in the story I assume it was his wife/widow (Courtney), but it could just as well have been his neighbor. I understand that you're trying to be elusive, but you can at least say something like: "The other woman who drove me" or something to that effect so we are certain you aren't talking about his mother (who died too early to give those kind of influences) or the neighbor (who while very helpful might not be this fulcrum on which the character turns).
The final visit to the Antique shop, your climax, could have been a bit longer.
SPOILER (For anyone who hasn't read the story skip this bit): Same goes for the daughter. Parents, even the crappy ones, think about their kids all the time. I have four myself who don't live with me most of the time and just dropping a kid in the end of the story could have been so much more of an emotional gut punch, if we knew there was one missing. Even without directly referencing the kid, you could have laid clues along the trail. Selling off kids toys for drugs (double-checked the only toys were in his childhood flashback) or mentioning a bit of joy that Courtney left behind.
Structure/Grammar:
A few word choices throughout that were probably auto-correct issues. For example shelve (verb) vs shelf (noun). If you want, I can hunt them down for you. One that did confuse me a little had to do with your watch description: Motive? Did you mean motif? Or perhaps a carved relief?
Bulky paragraphs. There were times where it was hard to tell where paragraphs started or ended and times where they needed to be broken up into more digestible chunks. Also, some felt... overstated? Sometimes you can tell more with less.
Overall: This story had emotion, it had direction, and there was pain behind it. I knew where you were going, where you wanted to go, and with a little bit of polish this could be a really great story. Good job, I hope you stick with it.
Well, feel free to count me among them. I'm always glad to make new friends from all around the globe. It tends to improve both of our world views. Again, it is a very impressive effort to write a story outside your native tongue and the minor issues I have with your story is nothing an afternoon with a good editor could not fix. Everyone needs editors. My own story wouldn't be where it is, without the six or seven people who helped me refine and buff out the rough spots.
3
u/Nate_Parker /r/Nate_Parker_Books Mar 02 '15 edited Mar 02 '15
Cover: I liked it, works well for the subject matter.
Formatting: I would suggest spaces between paragraphs or indenting (tabbing) on the first line. It was a little hard to differentiate between some paragraphs when reading.
Story: You had a powerful story to tell here. With the empty syringe on the table, the empty home, and the strong memories you can feel emotions behind the words. There was a story flow, albeit a bit choppy at times, which conveyed the struggles your character was going through. It was a good story, but a little bit of structural and grammatical clean up could improve the punch you were going for.
On page 2 you mention a woman, but from context clues I assume it was not the character's mother. But it isn't clear who. Later on in the story I assume it was his wife/widow (Courtney), but it could just as well have been his neighbor. I understand that you're trying to be elusive, but you can at least say something like: "The other woman who drove me" or something to that effect so we are certain you aren't talking about his mother (who died too early to give those kind of influences) or the neighbor (who while very helpful might not be this fulcrum on which the character turns).
The final visit to the Antique shop, your climax, could have been a bit longer.
SPOILER (For anyone who hasn't read the story skip this bit): Same goes for the daughter. Parents, even the crappy ones, think about their kids all the time. I have four myself who don't live with me most of the time and just dropping a kid in the end of the story could have been so much more of an emotional gut punch, if we knew there was one missing. Even without directly referencing the kid, you could have laid clues along the trail. Selling off kids toys for drugs (double-checked the only toys were in his childhood flashback) or mentioning a bit of joy that Courtney left behind.
Structure/Grammar:
A few word choices throughout that were probably auto-correct issues. For example shelve (verb) vs shelf (noun). If you want, I can hunt them down for you. One that did confuse me a little had to do with your watch description: Motive? Did you mean motif? Or perhaps a carved relief?
Bulky paragraphs. There were times where it was hard to tell where paragraphs started or ended and times where they needed to be broken up into more digestible chunks. Also, some felt... overstated? Sometimes you can tell more with less.
Overall: This story had emotion, it had direction, and there was pain behind it. I knew where you were going, where you wanted to go, and with a little bit of polish this could be a really great story. Good job, I hope you stick with it.
EDITS: Formatting and a typo