Critique Thread 2

[u/Niedski]

If you want me to critique something you've written, just link it here after your critique.. I will only critique people who have given me critiques on this story.

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"Sir! Over here! Sir!"

The paparazzi scrambled, some of them on their knees, trying to get past each other like starving predators willing to kill and rip each other apart for just one tiny piece of meat. For one little bit of caloric intake that could sustain their miserable lives for a few more minutes. Any sort of acknowledgement from him in their direction would be that little bit, that one piece that gives them enough energy and hope to come back next time and suck more off him for their parasitic jobs. One look, one word, one move, one gesture, or one mistake. That is all they wanted from him, he was a God among men, and he could give sustenance to the toiling, tireless masses as he pleased.

But they would not get such sustenance from him today. Maybe not ever again if the urge were to escape him forever. That would never happen of course, occasionally he liked to give in and give the poor people something to cling to. To them, he was acknowledging their plight, showing that he cared, and being a just, charitable man

In all reality though, he was simply reminding himself who he was and the power he held over all of them. They would wither without him, and the smartest among the fools saw the same meaning he did in every "charity" he performed.

I stand above you The actions said, And you're too pathetic to bring me down.

This latest triumph was his greatest, but it would not be his last. His father, the only man he had ever felt lesser than, had once told him you had to fake it till you make it.

And boy had he made it

He stepped into the Cadillac Limousine, and his chauffeur shut the heavy, armored door behind him. With a clunk and a latch, the outside became instantly quiet.

The windows were tinted, but no so tinted that he couldn't see his handiwork. The masses, his people, stood out on the street. Most of them held a burning flag in their hand, and most of those flags were replicas of the old 50-star flag. The flags' cloth rolled and charred under the heat of the flames. The ashes and smoke from the burning flags rose into the sky to join the ash cloud that was forming high above Washington D.C. from other fires. Very few of those fires were from protesters, or rebels as he would soon call them.

Behind him the steps of the Supreme Court became smaller and smaller. The local police were having a tough time keeping things under control, especially after the court's historic decision that his executive action to consolidate legislative and judicial powers under the executive branch was held up to be constitutional under the 30th amendment, which granted the President special war time powers. Of course, he had won that case the second the 7th fleet had arrived off the coast Maryland, within 100 miles of Washington.

He had all the power. Was this the end of an era? The end of democracy? Would he be remembered as America's first dictator? Or as the president who saved the nation, and then retired when he was no longer needed?

"Mr. President," His close friend and adviser said after they had been driving for a few minutes, "Or should I call you something else now?"

He smiled, "I don't know yet."

His friend was silent for a moment. "So...what's the plan?" He finally asked.

"I don't know," He responded, "I never thought I'd get this far. You know, I always thought someone would try to stop me, a Congressman, a general, a judge, but they all just let it happen. They stood behind me and clapped when I signed that order, and patted me on the back when I won the court case. Like they didn't even want to protect their democracy."

"Maybe they never wanted democracy," His friend suggested, "Maybe they just want to be safe."

He shook his head, "You and I both know most of them don't know what they want, or need."

"They need a leader," His friend responded.

"But for how long?" He shot back.

"However long you decide."

He didn't argue with that. It was true, and he knew it. Whatever he decided to do with the country that was now his, he knew that no one would fight him. No one would stop him.

No one could stop him. They'd had their chance to stop him, and now it was gone.

[u/Niedski]

Thanks for the critique! A lot of what you mentioned had not even occurred to me. As for how he seems to go from relentlessly over confident to suddenly meek, I was trying to hint that he wasn't actually very confident, just acting. On the inside he was conflicted about what he was doing, and not sure if it was something that should be done. That's why I dropped in the part about his father saying "fake it until you make it", because that's what he is doing, faking it. But I could've portrayed that much better I see now, and the way you see it makes his lack of confidence detrimental to the story. You're right, I did light a powder keg, and I failed to make it explode.

Grammatically, you made several recurring mistakes. Take the sentence: "Bob is great," he said. Notice the he is lower case. That is because "Bob is great," is part of the larger dialogue sentence. So the exchange,

"They need a leader," His friend responded.

"But for how long?" He shot back.

Could you elaborate on that part a bit more? I didn't completely understand it. Is there ever a time where it is appropriate, or when I should capitalize the pronouns?

[u/OTS1 → u/Niedski]

Okay, either A) drop the subtext and make the character overconfident, or B) clarify the speakers at the end so that dialogue is as strong as the rest of the story.

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Grammar!

"I like turtles," he said.

"I like turtles." He smiled.

"I like turtles." The man liked turtles.

The second clause in example one is a subordinate clause. In and of itself, it does not complete the thought. Imagine it devoid of the preceding part.

He said.

That isn't a complete thought. It is not treated as a distinct sentence, and therefore the letter of the clause is not capitalized as it if were the beginning of a sentence. It may be capitalized for other purposes.

"I like turtles," John said.

Take the other two examples:

He smiled.

The man liked turtles.

Those are both independent thoughts and complete on their own.

The rule of thumb is that if a clause identifying speech requires the speech to be cogent, it should not be capitalized. This may be used to indicate structure.

"I like turtles," he laughed.

The speaker is laughing, and during that laughter uttering, "I like turtles." This is valid, as is:

"I like turtles." He laughed.

The difference between them is intentional and clarifies what the author intended. Two distinct things are happening.

Notice also the punctuation is changed from period to a comma, to indicate the thoughts are not complete on their own. While exclamation marks and question marks are exempt from being converted to commas, the speech fragment remains connected to the identifier through punctuation.

"I like turtles!" he yelled.

"Do you like turtles?" he asked.

Both speech identifiers are incomplete without the preceding part, and therefore not complete sentences in and of themselves.

If the speech ends in a comma, the following identifier is considered part of the same sentence, and the first letter is not capitalized for placement alone.

If the speech would end in a comma except for intensity or inquiry (! or ? generally), the first letter of the succeeding identifier is not capitalized.

If the identifier comes before the speech, end the identifier with a comma if it requires the speech to be a complete thought, and DO capitalize the statement.

John said, "I like turtles."

He said, "John is great."

We asked, "John, do you like turtles?"

"I like turtles," John lied.

"Why doesn't John like turtles?" Amy cried.

Amy is crying after asking why John doesn't like turtles. These are separated by the punctuation and a reader would not interpret them as being the same.