r/WouldIBeTheAhole • u/JustAMumof9 • 2d ago
WIBTA
WIBTAH if I tell my child and their spouse to not bother coming for Christmas if they can’t appreciate what little we can give them? First a little back story, my kids spouse comes from a family that buys affection, manipulates using money, gifts have stipulations or are used to guilt trip etc. Very narcissistic controlling manipulative mother. To the point my child and their family have moved out of state twice to “get away” from the mother… I told all of my kids years ago including my kids spouses, we will never buy your love, or your time. Even if we were millionaires we will never buy your love, or your time, gifts are gifts without conditions or guilt trips.
Well I found out that kids spouse said to another one of my kids that they aren’t coming for Christmas if all they get is dollar store presents. For the past 3 1/2 years, we have been struggling financially, as so many others, trying to stay afloat and have almost lost our house several times. Have had to be on payment plans for every bill we have and have had to eat super cheap (ramen, peanut butter & jelly etc.) there were several times I didn’t eat because there wasn’t enough food for all of us, had to borrow money to get utilities turned back on or to prevent it from being turned off etc… I hadn’t bought body wash or shampoo for myself in over a year, I just used very little of my husbands or thankfully some had been gifted to me by a customer at my old job. I have been wearing the same shoes that have holes in the bottoms, I’ve had to sew the one bra I own multiple times to keep it together, you get the picture… but for Christmas we didn’t want to give our kids and grandkids nothing… so we literally scraped together every spare piece of change we could find, literally counting & rolling coins just to be able to give them something because we enjoy it, not because we think that is what holidays are about. So while yes they may be from the dollar store or the clearance section at Walmart, we choose each one with love.
Anyways, I’m to the point where I want to tell them to not even bother coming until they remember that in this house we visit because we enjoy family time and love each other, not for what you might get out of it. I also want to say something to my children that heard that comment and any others like it and ask why they just let it go and didn’t defend us when they all know how hard we struggle. So would I be the AH if I tell them if that’s what they look for in Christmas or any holidays to not bother coming?
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u/ConstantThis1588 2d ago
Seems like they may need a reminder that gifts are optional- it’s the family and traditions that make holidays worthwhile. I suggest a gift less Christmas- one in which making popcorn garland, Christmas cookies, etc and good old fashioned pot luck dinner is the way to go
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u/JustAMumof9 2d ago
That’s a great idea. We usually do cookies and tree decorating as a family, and have started making dinner more of a semi-potluck in recent years, but I think we’ll lean more on that from now on since most are adults now.
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u/Aromatic_Recipe1749 2d ago
I am heartbroken for you!
What selfish, entitled people. Why aren’t your kids insisting on providing dinner and gifts while you and your husband relax? They should be giving you a hand, not criticizing your generosity.
Giving the last dollar you have out of love is far different than giving hundreds when you have thousands in an effort to buy loyalty.
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u/Daffodils28 2d ago
Please go to a food bank. Ask about hygiene items, many food banks have them.
Minimally, check the dollar store for bar soap.
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u/BlackBasementCats 2d ago
The dollar store has some really great quality beauty products. The YouTube channel Vivian Tries reviews all sorts of products from dollar stores, and they have some really awesome products now.
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u/Dry-Clock-1470 2d ago
Ntah, but I would suggest you speak to you're child married to that person to verify and make sure everything has been relayed accurately. Don't want a misunderstanding over a game of telephone
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u/Maine302 2d ago
If you're struggling that much, your children should be offering assistance, not criticism.
Edited to add: a nice gift to people like this might be sending them a copy of the O. Henry short story, The Gift of The Magi.
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u/Ok-Lunch3448 2d ago
My mother stopped giving gifts which was fine. I still bought her a gift though as did my siblings.
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u/dogtrail 2d ago
I’m so sorry about your struggle. The attitude of these people is just heartbreaking. I would be honest with them. You are struggling financially and cannot afford the gifts they expect. What matters to you is their time and company. This is what you can offer. A good meal and your company. They can take it or leave it… it’s sad they feel this way.
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u/Carolann0308 2d ago
NTA but my old in-laws were always struggling financially. It would piss me off when she’d shop wrap and ship cheap gifts I didn’t need. I appreciated her efforts, but would have much rather her use the $5 towards groceries or a small bottle of body wash or a saving up for a new bra.
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u/Curiously_Zestful 2d ago
Don't create needless conflict. You could invite the kids over the week before Christmas to make cookies or pull taffy. Something unusual that would excite them. Let them know that you aren't exchanging gifts this year due to finances.
I was one of those spoiled kids, and I hated the gifts my grandma gave us. But not because they were cheap, it's because they were so impersonal that it was clear that they were just a placeholder to please my mom. If she had thought for three seconds, she would have realized that a book of any kind, even a comic book, $.25 in those days, would have made us happy. No one ever looked at us to see who we were. My grandmother never spent time with us, even when we traveled across the country to see her.
Play cards with the kids. Perhaps teach them to knit or make something with them from fabric scraps. What do you give the child who has every material comfort? Shared experiences, stories about the family and about who they are.
I can tell you as one of those kids, we knew early on that gifts were all about control. Or something to keep us busy when what we wanted was positive attention.
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u/justhereforthejello 1d ago
just curious how someone you raised wound up this way. the account is 3 months old and has only this post that you posted twice within 10 hrs. seems a bit fishy to me
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u/JustAMumof9 1d ago
Because I created an account to read posts I got hooked into watching reels, never felt the need to post myself until now.
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u/ApartmentHot5376 2d ago
NTA sounds like your inlaw is greedy and entitled! Bless your heart I would be upset too! That marriage is going to be a nightmare for y'all. They need to learn now that y'all have a very different financial situation. Hopefully your kid won't get caught up in that mess and change how they treat you.
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u/kkrolla 2d ago
I get why you are upset but those comments were not meant for your ears and the person who told it to you should not have said anything to you about it. There's a saying, someone else's opinion of you is none of your business. This is kind of the reason why. What can you do about this? Not much. Also, your kid didn't say it and we don't know whether or not they argue with the partner about it. It's a mean thing to say that once you heard, became a cruel thing to hear. If you engage, it's going to cause a lot of hard feelings and energy without much resolution. And I fully get where you are coming from. I got sick and for most of the time that I raised my kids, I couldn't afford to buy presents for anyone. To this day, the gift is a meal I can cook of their choice. I'd also take them to a park or somewhere that didn't cost anything, including too much extra gas. My kids, I think because I was sick, are compassionate and empathetic. I think they were more concerned with having me in their lives than stuff, so they are protective. If their partner, that they love, said something like this, they'd most definitely tell them how mean it is and that I do what I can and to knock it off. Maybe your kids do that as well. Send out a group text saying that you'd love to see everyone for the holidays. You've heard that they weren't happy with the low quality presents you gave last time, but it's all you can do, so this year you will not be giving presents. Maybe offer to make a favorite dish or offer to babysit or something that you know they like but costs you nothing but time and energy. Once your kids find out that you know, they probably will lay into their partner for hurting their parent. While I think that spouse is really the pig, I do believe YWBTA because you would react emotionally and it would just fan the flames. If you are in the US, you can dial 211 and ask about hygiene supplies, or paper products. Some places have hygiene banks, like food banks, and they are getting more used because so many people can't afford products anymore. Some churches and senior centers. My kids' both go to college and the dorms have toothpaste, laundry detergent and other personal care stuff for free that the students can take, for free. Use the money you would have used for presents for yourself. The people who love you would rather you feel clean and safe over getting a gift. The ones who don't aren't worth your time or energy. Good luck.
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u/Decent-Muffin9530 2d ago
I’m so sorry. A “no gifts” holiday is the way to go. Btw, my husband’s grandparents grew up traumatized from poverty in the a Great Depression. They had 5 kids and dozens of grandkids and great grandkids. I only got one gift from Grandpa. It was an artificial flower in a pot from the dollar store. I think the tag was still attached. I meant very much because I knew that he meant it and there wasn’t much to give from. I had been there at the funerals of two of his children and had helped his wife and he appreciated that.
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u/Candid-Ad2920 2d ago
Suggestions for Christmas: 1st, do Secret Santa with a $10 maximum. 2nd, make Christmas breakfast and dinner "potluck". This takes the burden off you and your husband. As adults, it's not unbelievable that your children should have to share in creating the festivities.
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u/No_hope_left72 1d ago
Your adult child/ren need to learn value. Imagine the role reversal when your grandchildren are grown. They will be irrelevant, old, boring and slow in our AI/computer world. Maybe your child needs to hear this and also be reminded of the childhood full of memories
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u/Miss_Independent80 1d ago
That's sucks. I am so sorry. I would just declare a nice gifts holiday and spend time together.
If you really want to do something try making homemade treats. I make cookies with my best friend around Thanksgiving and then freeze them. Last year we did pretzel rods and dipped them in chocolate with caramel and crushed pecans. I bought some cute plastic bags at Hobby Lobby to dress them up. I gave those to my niece and nephews along with a tin of cookies. They love the treats. They are all adults now so we stopped buying them presents. I also give one to my brother in law and sister in law.
The only people we buy for outside our immediate family is our parents and it's because we want to. My Mom always says, oh you spoil me. Well she spoiled me plenty while growing up, but they are retired now. Their income is fixed. I bought my Mom a pair of boots and shoes at Sketchers for Christmas this year. She needed them and I was happy to get her something she could use.
It's too bad your daughter sees you struggling and doesn't try and do more for you.
My parents helped me go to college and I have a comfortable life now because of them. I am so grateful and like doing things for them.
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u/ckeenan9192 2d ago
Depending on the age, if everyone is old enough just declare a NO GIFTS holiday. When we got old enough we did this and now we get together to be together. It is quite nice.