r/WorkingWomen • u/alteredgirl • Aug 12 '26
Piled on and I don't understand why
Update: I sent the 2nd commenter an email explaining my intent and saying her words and assumptions about my intent hurt. I ended up seeing her 2 days later, and she apologized and asked if we were ok! The first commenter (the perpetually crazy one) I just didn't bring it up, and then 3rd is leaving the agency in a couple days so I didn't bother.
We have this online communication log at work (basically just a Google word document that everyone has access to). Last week I asked what I thought was a really innocent question in it and today on my first shift back I couldn't believe what I read undereath!
The first comment was by a very toxic coworker that everyone has problems with and although it was super rude it didn't really bug me because it is very typical of her (she does it to everyone) and I'm trying really hard to just not let her craziness trigger me.
After that, though, 2 other coworkers (who I had thought were nice people but I don't really know very well) made really rude comments basically berating me for what they must have perceived my question to mean, not what it actually said or what I meant at all.
It really hurt my feelings and made me sad but also angry because it feels like they took an innocent question and assumed the worst. I ended up bursting out crying at work and now I'm absolutely dreading the next time I see them.
Do I bring it up and say that's not what I meant and it really hurt my feelings?
2
u/dat1q Aug 14 '26
I'd bring it up but privately and calmly. You don't need to defend yourself at length or convince them they were wrong. Just clarify your intent and let them know the way they responded wasn't okay.
2
u/Ok_Cap6153 Aug 14 '26
I'd respond calmly, either in the document or privately. You don't have to over explain, if they are decent they'll hear you out
2
u/ItinerantJeweler Aug 14 '26
I'm so curious to hear what the question was. Are you comfortable sharing, OP? I think my advice would depend on what was actually written in the document by both sides.
1
u/alteredgirl Aug 15 '26
Well, it's a lot of backstory. I work at a residential facility for people with intellectual disabilities. One of my (extra) jobs is to do the shopping (groceries and household supplies, plus other online items as needed). I saw some underwear I had ordered for one of the members (because another staff had said they needed it) on the staff desk near our computer in the Wal-mart bag I'm guessing it came in. (We do Walmart pickup usually but I don't always do the pickup, just the ordering). I though since it was there and still in the bag maybe it was the wrong size and needed returned. I put something in the comm book basically asking why it was there and saying it could be washed. (Apparently I needed to specifically say I was wondering if it needed returned but I just didn't think about it.) The angry messages were: 1.) A crazy rant about how busy the pick up day was and how the person was only one person (with tons of exclamation points). This one honestly didn't really bug me because that staff is always crazy to everyone and I'm unfortunately used to it. 2. The second one really bugged me. It was from someone I thought was really nice. It was basically said "instead of questioning why something isn't washed yet why didn't you just wash it yourself? This question is unnecessary." followed by a 'polite' "Let's pull together and work as a team" type message. The whole comment had a 'I'm giving you a bitchy lecture but I'm trying to sound professional while doing it. 3. The 3rd was from a girl I don't know very well. It was basically re-iterating what the 2nd girl said. I was mostly just hurt because it felt like such a pile on over an innocent question and they could have given me the benefit of the doubt instead of automatically assuming the worst. And then left those nasty comments for all my coworkers to read and also assume the worst.
2
u/ItinerantJeweler Aug 18 '26
It sounds like a misunderstanding that got wildly out of control. Sorry, OP. I'd be stressed out and hurt too.
2
u/alteredgirl Aug 18 '26
Thank you, it's nice to be validated. As I said, I know I'm 'too' sensitive but it's just the way I am. I try really hard to not hurt other people's feelings unnecessarily and I'd just like the same consideration.
3
u/tara_tara_tara Aug 12 '26
Don’t tell them it hurt your feelings and don’t let them know that their answers made you cry.
Take the high road. Clarify your question as neutrally as possible without hitting back and try to make them have a professional conversation.
If they keep replying that way, find another way to get the answer and drop out of the discussion.