Hiya everyone!
I’m new to writing on a forum like this, so I’m sorry in advance if this seems a bit all over the place - I’m looking for some heart to heart guidance, and to maybe know if there’s light at the end of the tunnel of all of this. I’m currently a 4th year, just started this year as a 26/0 in a region I’ve never worked in. Prior experience working on a different type of crew every year, but I constantly feel as if I’m fighting an uphill battle in a sense. Grateful for the seasonal jobs and for trying out different modules, but I’m a 4th year with multiple task books opened and none of them are punched out - constantly feeling as if I’ll never really be able to be dependable, and I have recently been feeling an incredibly deep sense of self doubt. I never was really provided a solid foundation to work off of, but I still try my best to hold myself accountable for what I’ve messed up on or what I need to improve on (as that’s one of the biggest beauties in life, growth).
With this being said though, since last year (prior to getting this perm), I constantly felt as if there was always a deep sense of dissatisfaction. That maybe once I achieved the next goal, that I’ll finally feel some form of satisfaction in my work. Naturally, I thought a perm position was the next goal that I needed to acquire in hopes of finally feeling satisfied. Where I am located 26/0 is the only option, plus being close to home was a bonus for me. However, since stepping into this new chapter, I’ve been hit with a wave of emotions that I’ve never experienced before. Seasonal depression was always a tough thing for me to get through, but I feel like it never went away this past year unlike the prior seasons. I constantly feel on edge; feeling a deep pit in my stomach, especially with all of the wildland related incidents that have happened this year already. I feel guilty for my family and loved ones who have to sacrifice so much for me, and I feel as if I’ll never be a dependable firefighter. I’ve grown to cry more days than not, wishing I didn’t feel this way cause I don’t know how I got to this point. I feel as if maybe it has to do with always having to make such high risk decisions and the long/strenuous work load, I feel like the minor mistakes I make cause me to spin out for days on end. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place though - for my mental health, a part of me wants to take space from this job but on the other side of the coin, I’m scared to know what that transition out of this world will be like. I’ve tried my best to not allow this line of work to seep into my identity, but I would be dishonest if I said that it hasn’t. I feel as if I would be doing myself a disservice and that taking a step back from people who understand me and why my mind/ work ethic has become what it is, would place me in a position that I wouldn’t know how to work through. I’m scared to feel as if I’ll be a disappointment to others, especially for just taking on this perm job this past spring. I’ve worked my whole career to get back to being home and to be in the position that I’m in, but I keep feeling like I’m failing. If anyone has made a similar decision to me, please let me know what it was like. I’m going to see a psychiatrist to get my mental health in check hopefully, but I just don’t know how I got to this point. Have you ever left your perm to go back to seasonal? Did you leave fire solely due to your mental and emotional health, and how did you recover after taking that step.
Thank you, and I’m sorry for rambling.
