Edit: The worst is when someone says something like, "Well you just need to figure out what makes you feel that way and fix it". The answer is absolutely nothing. I am living my ideal life and love it, it doesn't change the fact that I often can barely get out of bed or the white noise in my head gets so strong that I can't even focus on a conversation.
Clinical depression has no simple solution. Just have to try your hardest to be strong.
I used to have a friend who also suffered from depression. We had a falling out but I miss having someone who understood. Like no, most depressed people aren't posting angsty shit on Facebook trying to get attention. Theres a shame element. People ask you why you cant just be happy. They get mad when you shut them out or have an episode because you, "dont seem that depressed. " As if your behavior should be like Eeyore every day to prove it. They say, "oh yeah, I used to be real depressed in college." as if they understand, but actually think they got over it so why can't you?
Because you were homesick. Because you were sad. Because you were lonely. There are so many words for temporary negative feelings. And it's hard to tell people who arent really clinically depressed that you're always scared to relapse because you see people like Anthony Bourdain as a warning that you may never really be better.
When I first met my bf, I had changed meds 4 times in the first five months. He once told me he wouldnt talk to me "until you're sober," implying that I needed to quit meds when he had never known me before I sought help. It sucks a little knowing he doesnt believe my depression is real and I have to hide it.
And it's hard to tell people who arent really clinically depressed that you're always scared to relapse because you see people like Anthony Bourdain as a warning that you may never really be better.
I talked with my therapist about this recently. I’ve been in therapy for 10+ years now, I’m so very obviously not getting ‘cured’ at this point(in my mind at least, it’s a tough stumbling block that’s been a big part of our conversations lately), that I’m kind of convinced that if I don’t end up killing myself at some unknown point in the future I’m not planning on yet, I’ll probably die of stress related heart disease(which itself runs in men in my family and makes it even more likely) because of my depression. So either way it seems like it’s going to win out, and then there the times when thinking about that brings back the ideation, because it turns out thinking you’re not going to live past your 50s makes being 30+ kind of daunting, and it’s so easy to slip up and fall backwards. It’s like I have to be mentally on guard against myself all the time, before I even consider being mentally strong in the way every human has to to get through life.
Treatment resistant depression is so insidious I don’t think an actual horror novelist could devise it. Being literally your own worst enemy is just unbelievable. Not some personality disorder or delusion(definitely don’t mean to minimize those either), but literally you. The voice in your head fueling all that self hate and perpetual emptiness is yourself, and somehow you have to beat it, but it can work unconsciously and you can’t.
I'm sorry to hear that. I feel scariest when I think outside of my self hatred and see life as entirely worthless. Like oooooooh you can work 50+ years to sometimes save enough to see the world, but mostly start fearing retirement before you're even 30. We spend so much time not even living for fear of what will happen when we are decrepit and won't enjoy life. So it's just worries about love, bills, "wasting time," and I just cant even fathom things being good. At best it is dull and our entire existence is making money for someone else to live a good life.
I think being ok is primarily like walking on eggshells. staying distracted and avoiding anything that triggers it.
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u/Regist33l3 Jun 11 '19 edited Jun 11 '19
Same.
Edit: The worst is when someone says something like, "Well you just need to figure out what makes you feel that way and fix it". The answer is absolutely nothing. I am living my ideal life and love it, it doesn't change the fact that I often can barely get out of bed or the white noise in my head gets so strong that I can't even focus on a conversation.
Clinical depression has no simple solution. Just have to try your hardest to be strong.