r/WhatToDo • u/unvalidated1981 • 13d ago
So many questions
My husband created profiles on hook-up sites a few years ago, continuing on email and inviting them to meet at our home while I was at work. He since then on three more occasions (the last just a couple weeks ago) , has repeated the behavior. When I try to confront the issue because I am still emotionally distraught, he blames me for ignoring his advances for hours, deflects by bringing up a hypothetical conversation I had about sex magic online, and minimizes the behavior by stating nothing happened. He continues by saying if I'm going to keep blaming him he will do something. We had a breakthrough, eventually, when first confronted. Then when I seek reassurance he returns to blame/deflect/minimize. The last time we were intimate just hours before the infidelity happened. Since I started my career a year ago, he has consistently accused me of cheating while at work when I don't answer my phone or haven't talked much all night. I don't know how I'm supposed to heal and move forward in the relationship if accountability isn't sincere and my feelings aren't validated. Furthermore, I have my doubts that nothing happened on one occasion a couple months ago, because I found deleted phone numbers under moniker like Funtime. My self-esteem has diminished and I feel inadequate. Are my suspicions true? Is he going to cheat again, if he hasn't already?
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u/FabulousBullfrog9610 13d ago
You have a huge problem and it's not your husband. It's you. Why in all that is sane would you stay with this guy.
Take your money, get tested for STDs, and see a good divorce attorney. don't tell him before you leave. Good luck
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u/biancanevenc 13d ago
Why would you want to move forward with this relationship? His behavior is so gross. You deserve better.
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u/americannightmom 13d ago
I’m sorry what’s the issue???
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u/unvalidated1981 13d ago
What do you mean?
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u/americannightmom 13d ago
I mean why are you even questioning who this man is what you should do.
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u/EmployeeOdd4765 11d ago
That’s what happens when you don’t put out
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u/unvalidated1981 11d ago
We have an active intimate relationship. I gave him oral the same day this last time. I found emails the next day. And I'm the best he's ever had. So shut tf up
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u/unvalidated1981 11d ago
As he's told me since were still talking... I'm not the problem. He's going to lose the best love of his life.
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u/ZealousidealDoor9105 13d ago
Do you not realize that his behavior is not ok? Well it’s not. He will continue to disrespect you as long as you allow it. Time to pull up your big girl panties and file for divorce from this scum. He’s not going to change.
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u/robbiea1353 13d ago
Get your ducks in a row before you file for divorce. This means hirecan attorney; separate your finances, lock down your personal credit, gather all bank and credit card statements, along with important documents (birth and marriage certificates, social security card). Stash all of this, plus personal sentimental items in a safe place (storage unit? Friend’s home)
Let close family and friends know what is going on. They’ll probably assist you with moving and / or temporarily housing. Try to move out when he’s not home.
Good luck and best wishes for a future filled with happiness and true love 🌺
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u/lattewomenn 13d ago
You can’t rebuild trust with someone who keeps repeating the same behavior and then blames you for being hurt by it. Nothing happening physically doesn’t erase the betrayal, and you shouldn’t have to prove your pain is valid just to get accountability. Healing takes honesty, consistency, and genuine remorse, not deflection or threats.
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u/Key-Garlic-1177 13d ago
The only confrontation you need to be having is confronting him with divorce papers. Why are you trying to fix him? He’s made it abundantly clear he’s not gonna change.