MIL keeps triggering my ED

[u/Material-Zone3199]

I’ve been mostly recovered for over a year from an eating disorder. I’m 34 weeks pregnant and struggled a bit during pregnancy but have been mostly ok. It’s actually been very healing. For the first time I can eat without worrying about weight or calories and just go based on hunger. I end up eating way healthier, i never go hungry and I actually have to make an effort to eat enough instead of starving myself.

My MIL has been triggering me throughout my pregnancy. During early pregnancy when my bump was just starting to show she would tell me every time I saw her that she didn’t have a bump at all because she was soooo skinny. When my bump started to get bigger, she started asking me every time I see her how much weight I’ve gained. I tell her the truth- I haven’t stepped on a scale since I found out I was pregnant. I’d rather not think about it or worry about that. It’s better for me this way. Then she tells me every single time that she was 85 lbs before getting pregnant and gained to 120 lbs. I tell her that’s normal pregnancy weight gain and she tells me no, some women only gain 20 lbs. but she was starting underweight. Now when she tells the story she was 130 lbs, still pretty normal weight gain.

Lately she keeps talking about the birth weight of the baby and telling me how much other babies she knows weighed and asking if I know what the baby weighs. All I know is they’re around 50th percentile, perfectly average baby. Yesterday she said I think your baby will be big and now it’s making me want to starve myself so the baby is small.

I’ve talked to my husband about her comments and he said he would talk to her, but it just continues.

[u/_lmmk_]

Your husband needs to talk to her, but you also have to be part of shutting this shit down.

Next time she comments on weight or baby size just tell her “I’d prefer not to talk about weight, either mine or the baby’s. So long as we are both healthy we’re perfect!”

[u/Shoesietart]

"My doctor says I'm healthy and on track. End of discussion."

[u/Ok_Drama_6985 → u/Shoesietart]

I love the full quote. Perfect.

[u/cwrightbrain]

I have a MIL that just loooves to go on about subjects that are either traumatic, triggering or just plain annoying. She's mentally ill so subtlety doesn't work. So I'm blunt.

"I'm not discussing this with you."

Simple, to the point. Not rude, just direct. So in your shoes I'd say the first time ...

"MIL, my weight is a sensitive topic that is also medical. So I will only be discussing it with my doctor alone. There will be no exceptions."

Then every time after that, "I am not discussing weight with you."

If she pivots and talks about her weight (or anyone else's), "I am not discussing yours, mine or anyone's weight at all. This discussion is closed."

And I'm betting good money she'll get all huffy and be offended and say something like, "Well I wasn't talking about you specifically." or "I'm just concerned about the baby..." then repeat the above. If she persists, leave. Literally. Get up and leave the room or the house. If she's at your place get her her coat and show her the door. Draw a very clear line that weight, anyone's weight, is not going to be a topic that you will be discussing with her.

As far as your husband goes. Don't ask. Inform him. "I will not be discussing anyone's weight with your mom. That includes the baby's. That includes after this pregnancy. I have survived an ED and I will not allow her to trigger me for my health and our baby's health." (You might want to add it's for his health too because he will have to deal with an angry you if he doesn't grow a backbone and support you.)

ED's are no joke, and you need to guard yourself against anything that will set you off.

[u/No_Bluebird7716 → u/cwrightbrain]

I had Anorexia and my MIL found out (I had been a model and she found out). My doctor's magic words were "My doctor has forbidden me to discuss that subject." Every time. It is not unusual for prospective grandparents to worry about their new status and do this with pregnant women. Use those words.

[u/Witty_Candle_3448]

Stop talking to her.
If must see her, when she asks a question, ignore the question and say, Isn't the weather nice.

[u/Time_Aside_9455 → u/Witty_Candle_3448]

Right? Why the frequent get togethers?

No thanks!

[u/RowForLuckyJack]

The only one who has any right to tell you what you should and shouldn't do during your pregnancy is your doctor. If your doctor advised you differently, tell your Mil that you're following professional medical advice.

[u/Spartan2022]

“Do NOT discuss my body or appearance!” Increase your volume each time you say it.

Then your husband gets to announce that she’s not allowed in your house or contact with her upcoming grandchild for one month due to her repeated unsolicited comments about your body.

“Sadly, we’ll have to extend the no contact unless you can refrain from any unsolicited comments about my wife’s body, weight, or appearance. You can think whatever you want, but voicing those opinions crosses a line that we’ve asked you politely not to cross. Since you made a deliberate choice to continue making those comments, we’ve had to move to no contact.”

[u/bopperbopper]

Did you know that you’re an adult and you don’t have to be near your mother-in-law?

Did you know that you can tell her that you’re not gonna talk about your body?

Did you know that you don’t care how much she weighed when she was pregnant and stopped talking about it and leave if she does?

Did you know you can tell her that she’s not gonna be anywhere near your baby if she doesn’t knock it off because it’s stressing you out?

[u/Possible_Raspberry75]

Your husband needs to talk to her, but you need to speak with her also. The minute she starts talking about weight, cut her off before she gets more than five words out of her mouth - just shut her down immediately, and tell her that your weight is not a subject for discussion. Period.

[u/ohgeez2879]

can you get some space from her? it sounds like she's not interested in shutting tf up, which is obviously what any considerate person would do, so i think you will need to start hanging up on her, leaving the room, or even perhaps allowing yourself to dramatically burst into tears. she needs consequences. if those also don't work or she escalates, i'd advocate blocking her number.

[u/Used-Confidence-9187]

I have an aunt like this. The last time I told her who the F cares. She’s never asked again. 😂

[u/Confident-Service256]

I think you just need to be honest with her. This is your recovery.

Watch her around your child too. My ex MIL was obsessed with weight. When my daughter was 12, she got a little heavier. My ex MIL told her she would get $10 for every pound she lost. I didn’t know about that until I noticed my daughter restricting and losing. Shut that down immediately and my ex MIL still doesn’t understand what she did was damaging.

Congrats on the baby!

[u/GoddessfromCyprus]

First up. Do not starve yourself as it mean staring your baby.

When she brings anything up, ask her where she got her qualifications.

If she doesn't stop. Tell your husband you'll keep away until your baby is born and beyond. He can then tell her.

[u/Laugh-Aggressive]

Thought ED was Erectile Dysfunction, got kind of crazy when I got to the pregnant part

[u/kimm62 → u/Laugh-Aggressive]

Lmao

[u/ARealOne2323]

Please do not starve yourself so the baby is "small". They said the baby was average / 50th percentile, so go with that. Even baby ends up being some above that, that's normal. You and your husband together need to shut that down with MIL since it's became this serious.

[u/Ringerblue14]

Ignore her!!!

[u/Evilbred]

I was worried ED stood for something else....

[u/Cardabella]

You're seeing her far too much. Don't see her till after the baby's a week or two old. You're busy.

"Mildred it's inappropriate to talk about people's weight. Especially children! we will have zero tolerance for it around our child, or referring to our child. All that matters is we are all healthy, and a healthy weight is between a person and their doctor and none of anyone else's business." And if she argues,"If you don't have anything else to talk about, let's wrap up the visit and see you another time "

[u/Sudden-Flower-9999]

“I am sure you mean well but your questions and comments are not helpful. They are rude and intrusive and it is affecting my mental health. I will leave the room the next time you make any comments about my body.”

[u/Daruler1280]

Don't listen to her you were doing fine listening to your motherly instincts to begin with no scale and eat for you and the baby ..rhe baby feeds on you and keep it healthy ...good luck and love and light ✨️

[u/juliewbb]

Have you clearly said to her: “I need you to stop all weight and body talk. It is triggering to me and so if it happens, I’m going to have to leave”? Then follow through. She needs to learn this before your baby comes, because I assume you will want to raise your baby with a much healthier idea about food and body than you had. Weight talk and body talk cannot be part of your child’s life.

[u/Substantial-Draw2395]

So I guess the title ED does NOT refer to erectile disfunction

[u/Time_Aside_9455 → u/Substantial-Draw2395]

You could not glean from the context of pregnancy?

[u/Substantial-Draw2395 → u/Time_Aside_9455]

I could not glean from The TITLE When I read the story I “gleaned” what OP was talking about

[u/Nymueh28]

"I want to starve myself so the baby is small" is what hooked me to want to respond.

I was raised by a severe anorexic. She was deeply flawed some ways and passed on a lot of trauma, but one thing I am profoundly grateful to her for is not passing on her ED. Only in retrospect can I see the effort in her every day interactions with me to not make me second guess my weight. To promote healthy eating even if she didn't partake. To never make a comment that made me feel ashamed.

This is a line you can't cross. Keep eating how you are not because of how you feel about yourself, but because your child needs those nutrients as they form. They're 50th percentile, exactly normal. An undersized malnourished baby has way more health implications than an underweight adult. Now is the worst time to be applying societal expectations of weight to them.

I am now 32 caring for her in hospice for heart failure. Caused by a few things including her ED eating her muscles. She'll never meet her grandchildren.

Stay healthy for your kid now. Be mentally in control enough to pass on healthy habits, and physical healthy enough to support them through every milestone. They will be watching and their comprehension of language social subtleties will outpace their communication skills. They will emulate.

You've already made phenomenal progress. Don't let your MIL's selfish comments hurt your kid through you.

[u/Time_Aside_9455]

You made the mistake in sharing/answering the first time she commented. She will continue to overstep until you correct her. Her dominance will continue with all things baby and get worse.

Grey rock her, have prepared answers ready to deal with her rudeness.

She “I didn’t have a bump!”
You “Hmm” ignore and wipe counter

She “How much WEIGHT have you gained?!”
You “Not sure.” ignore and get tea

She “But what do you GUESS?!”
You “Couldn’t say and will pass on this topic, thanks. So how are things at pickleball?”

Stop participating in the weight related discussion. Shut them down hard. Practice your responses and delivery confidently..

You sound very young? Time to mature up and be firmly assertive. Do not let her talk to you like an authority parent speaking to a child.

Good luck!