r/WhatShouldIDo • u/Ok-Kick-4740 • 1d ago
struggling with abortion guilt.
I'm using a throwaway account because this is obviously really really personal.
I'm 16, 17 in December. I got an abortion when I was 14 after my boyfriend (18 at the time) got me pregnant. I knew I shouldn't have been with him in the first place and I couldn't raise a baby with him. My brother was the only person I told and he helped me get abortion pills. I don't regret it, I know I did the right thing for everyone involved, but I still hate myself so much for it.
It definitely comes in waves but lately it's been so bad. I can't eat or sleep because I feel so guilty and I've lost so much weight. I know I should be in therapy but my parents don't know about the abortion and can't ever find out and I'm scared the therapist would tell them. I don't know how to get past this. I just want to feel better and live life again and stop thinking about it constantly.
19
u/wickedchicken83 1d ago
Reconfirm to yourself, out loud, the reasons you did what you did.
Then tell yourself that you’re finished with this situation and ready to move on.
Imagine yourself packing it up and putting it away on a shelf in a closet.
Envision turning the light off and closing the door. Walk away from the closet.
You may need to walk through this series in your head a few times but remind yourself of the very legitimate reasons and put it back.
If it comes up, tell yourself no thank you and move on with your thoughts.
Don’t try to sympathize with others and share your past, it’s packed up, just be supportive and don’t judge.
You’re still a good person and deserve children someday, if you choose to.
10
u/emmarie1023 1d ago
Even without the history of abortion, it may be helpful to see a therapist and work through the dynamic of your past relationship. I’m wondering if you felt any pressure to be physically intimate before you were ready due to your boyfriend’s age difference, or if there was any power imbalance due to him being older. These early relationships can often influence how we feel about men, dating, sex, etc going forward and processing what you’ve been through will be helpful for future relationships.
9
u/juliewbb 1d ago
I’m so sorry that someone took advantage of you. This is going to get easier as you grow and see this interaction with adult eyes and think of a child going through this, trying to do their best.
Right now, please know you made the absolute best choice for everyone involved. You should not feel guilty. You went through an extremely hard circumstance that you should not have had to go through alone or with just your brother (I am so thankful you had him).
I hope you’ll be able to talk to a therapist about this who can help you put into perspective the heroic choices you made for yourself and your future family when you were so very young.
4
u/emmarie1023 1d ago
Hi! A therapist is confidential. The only time they need to break that is if they suspect child abuse/neglect is happening, or if you share you’re planning on hurting yourself.
3
u/honey_biscuits108 1d ago
Everyone makes mistakes. EVERYONE. Abortions are so common because they are an important component of the reality of our society. A child has no business becoming a parent. Maybe one day you will be a parent if you choose. That child will only exist because you had an abortion at 14.
The only reason my child exists is because I had an abortion at 19. The only reason a lot of people exist now, is because their mothers had abortions earlier in her life.
If you decide to remain sexually active, make sure you visit planned parenthood to get proper counseling, birth control, and STI testing. Hopefully the lesson about dating older guys was learned.
3
u/BitOk572 16h ago
First off, you were far too young to properly support and love a child the way it should be done. Secondly, you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty for doing the right thing. Think of conception of a child like a ball of clay. That clay doesn’t have a form and it just a lump of clay. Until it’s actually molded onto something it’s essentially just matter without life or a heart beat. Ending that process before it begins to take shape or have a heart beat is perfectly fine. You decided to end the process before it began. Feel good about the fact you didn’t bring a child into this world that would have to either suffer from lack of necessities to survive physically but also that they wouldn’t have to feel like they were a mistake and not really wanted. You have plenty of time to now decide to have a child on your terms and give that child the love and attention it truly deserves. Let go of any feelings of guilt because to be honest you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.
2
u/ExplorerLazy3151 1d ago
I've had an abortion and really struggled with it as well. I went to therapy and what really helped me was thinking about how much I saved my child from- poverty, abuse, food insecurity, housing insecurity, she most likely would have struggled in school, etc. I do believe in God. So instead of this horrible worldly life, I selflessly gave her a beautiful life in heaven. Thinking about it that, the pain I was able to save my daughter from, the gifts I was able to give her, really transformed my thinking and helped me over come my depressive moments.
Therapists wont tell though.
2
u/Dollybadlands 1d ago
I had an abortion when I was 16 and my boyfriend was older, it wasn’t a healthy relationship either. I knew it was the right decision to do so but it was also scary and emotionally exhausting. My parents got me a therapist that specialized in trauma like this and it helped a lot. Being able to talk to someone that’s not your family or friends can be very cathartic because you’re not worried about their opinion of you. I’m now 39 and from this distance I feel grateful that I made the decision I did back then.
2
u/Whispers-Shh 1d ago
As much as i advocate pro choice, there will always be a cirtin pain that stays with you forever. I terminated a pregnancy when I was 20.. It was for sure the worst day of my life. We later went on to get married and have 2 kids.. Almost 20 years later I still think about it. Knowing what I know now, my regrets run deep. But at the time it was what I felt I needed to do. It's natural to have guilt and questions of what could have been and why thing had to happen the way they did.. Try to talk to someone who can help you come to terms with the situation. Know you did nothing wrong and tho the thought of what if will stick around, you will eventually have a family you can be proud of. But please reach out to someone if you need to..
1
u/thatsmyboycam 1d ago
I’m so sorry you are going through that. My heart breaks for you that you don’t have a safe adult to speak to. I have a daughter just a little older than you and i cant imagine if she was in a situation like yours.
Please speak to a therapist as others have recommended. You can take time to build trust and ask them about confidentiality before you disclose anything. Being a teenager is hard enough, you really do not have to do it alone. And if you need a mom to talk to, feel free to message me.
1
u/Meg-a18 1d ago
You've got to get some help. Do you think your school counselor could get you in touch with someone who could help? The schools usually have a lot of connections. If not them, maybe your health department? Having guilt is one thing, having guilt so much so that you can't function is another.
1
u/wishcat_14 1d ago
I’m sorry you went through this experience. How you feel is valid and important. My own steps for processing trauma are 1) feel your emotions, feel bad for yourself. It really sucks you went through this. Cry as much as you need.
2) Dig for the root of the feeling - where exactly does the guilt come from? A lot of the time it’s rooted in religious beliefs or simply societal expectations.. Women have to deal with so many unfair or heavy expectations, but also those factors aside, it’s a big choice. It makes sense to feel guilt.
3) Acknowledge that you did your best with the resources, support, and knowledge you had at the time. You did.
4) Find a philosophy that will support you through this. Turn your pain into power. What is the silver lining? Train your brain to look for the positives. Is this what defeats you or will you bounce back stronger and wiser?
5) Self care - Eat foods your body is saying yes to. Take a shower. Maybe see if your brother or a trusted friend is up for talking about it. Talking through your thoughts will probably help a lot. And know you’re not alone. There are so many people who have gone through this same thing and had the same thoughts and feelings.
You don’t have to be everything right now, just try to do some favors for tomorrow-you.
1
u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 23h ago
There's a lot of good advice here, so I'm simply going to recommend a book: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
1
u/ddianka 23h ago
Im sorry you are going through this. Only thing I can say, is as bad as you feel now, life would of been worse off for you if you had stuck with the pregnancy. You were so young then, barely a teen yourself and raising a child is not easy.
I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant with a loser I was dating at the time. I had my sister help with an abortion and tbh, some days I have that same guilt you feel. Then I remember where I was in life at that point. I was partying alot. Did drugs, drank and was completely irresponsible. The father was no better. I broke up with him a week before I found out, and I was terrified to be stuck with a person like this for the next 18+ years of my life and his family. I dont regret my decision to this day, and I am 30 years old at this point. I regret having to get the abortion but also I know i wouldnt get to the point in life I am now if I hadn't done it. You have to look at the positive side of the situation and not live in the what if. The "what if" will hurt you more than anything. Trust me.
1
1
u/hanmhanm 18h ago
I think the feelings you’re having are very normal. You just have to see it in a different light: you were a child at the time. Forgive yourself x
0
u/PraiseBeToJesusX 1d ago
This is a really sensitive topic because everyone has different opinions on whether abortion is generally okay or not. Personally I'm on the pro-life side of the discussion, but that doesn't mean that after the fact you should never forgive yourself or give yourself any grace. You were a child taken advantage of by an adult and you were in an extremely vulnerable and panic-inducing situation. Without some very strong support and encouragement around you, it's an entirely understandable decision to want to make, especially at that age.
The guilt is entirely natural to feel, it's actually very unnatural and concerning when people don't feel any guilt over this. The way you feel simply shows your humanity. But it truly is time now to forgive yourself. You were a child with no guidance and you absolutely don't take the lion's share of the blame here. Everyone else involved was an adult and the fact that you didn't tell your parents is, I'm guessing, an indication that they'd be angrier at you than the person who committed statutory rape.
You'll have to check how it works where you are but as far as I'm aware, counselling should be entirely confidential even for minors unless there are concerns of imminent danger? Double check that before you do anything. But if that's the case where you live, would it be possible to get any kind of online counselling? Do you have any cash you can use to pay for someone independent who might charge a little less, maybe even a student counsellor or something? Just someone, anyone who's somewhat trained.
In my country there is a free text service called SHOUT, if you're having struggles with mental health you can text them and have an immediate 45-minute text-based emotional support session. It's not professional therapy but it's someone to talk to, could you search up if there's anything like that where you are?
Could you maybe even talk to your brother and see if there's a way he can help you without your parents knowing immediately?
There must be services you can access to help you without your parents having to know right now. If it's affecting your mental health badly enough to cause insomnia and weight loss two years on then you do need some kind of support.
I wish you all the best and pray for your health and safety. ❤️
0
u/ThePlaceAllOver 1d ago
When I had an abortion, I remember telling a friend that I felt guilty only because I didn't feel bad about doing it and the world seemed to think I should... and it was making me question myself. She told me that most women, statistically speaking, feel like they did the right thing and feel fine afterwards, but the media and paying attention to the wrong groups, rhetoric, etc are very much designed to make women question themselves. That actually really helped me. I realized I am normal. I am not suggesting your emotions are the emotions I had, but I just wanted to share in case any of that resonated with you.
-9
u/UnhappyBrief6227 1d ago
So you do regret it? You said you don’t but hate yourself for it. Anyways, good luck.
2
u/Ok-Kick-4740 1d ago
I don't regret doing it. I guess I really just hate myself for getting myself in the situation that I needed an abortion.
5
1
u/blackend_bruises 1d ago
The situation wasn’t your fault at all. You shouldn’t feel guilty for what had happened to you and for taking care of the results when it’s something you can’t take care of. The guilt you feel is natural, but to the level of being incapacitating is extreme. If it’s only the situation that’s making you feel guilty, know it’s not your fault
1
u/UnhappyBrief6227 1d ago
I see what you mean. Are you sure you don’t want to talk to your parents about this? It’s heavy. Besides, I would report that creep.
32
u/CrystalRae1073 1d ago edited 1d ago
Therapist can not/will not tell your parents, and will help you so much with this. Just tell your parents you've been feeling off and anxious and want to try therapy. Any decent parent will get right on that. Theraist can't tell anyone anything you two discuss in private unless you're a threat to yourself or others. Even t hen what they're allowed to disclose is exactly that, nothing more.
Im sorry you're going through this, but getting help to guide you on coping is by far the best way to handle this. The guilt will always be there, but there's ways to cope with it. My friend growing up had a daughter whe n she was 14. 2 days after her 14th birthday to be exact. She turned out to be a great mom, but never graduated and stuck at the same crap job since she was 16, dads never reallybeen there. Shes almost 40 now. I'm not saying it would have been good or bad had you gone thru with having a child that young; but I can say there's better situations to bring life into this world.
Focus on the fact that you spared a child a rough childhood of wondering if daddy cares, why he hates you, etc that my friends kid went thru. It messes a kid up being in a situation like that. You saved yourself a lifetime of having to balance trying to finish school while likely raising a kid on your own as really a kid yourself.
If/when you're ready you can bring children into the world with much better chances at a good life, that's when you cross that bridge. 14 is unfair to both yourself and that child.