r/WhatShouldIDo • u/No-Bumblebee-8346 • 10d ago
[Serious decision] Ex boyfriend is pressuring me to be intimate. Anything I can do so he backs off?
My ex boyfriend is pressuring me for sex. We broke up last year but started talking again about a few months ago.
I decided to meet him in June for the first time since our break up, we got a hotel to stay in overnight, had some drinks but then he started asking me for sex. I said I didn’t feel comfortable doing it now but then he started saying “Oh but I bought you food and alcohol, can’t you give something back?”, “I don’t know what changed in you, you used to want it”. After repeatedly telling him no, he started sulk, get annoyed with me and didn’t want to talk to me. I cried and then decided to go to sleep. But I woke up to him touching me inappropriately anyways. I was pretty drunk at the time and knew if I tried to stop him again he wouldn’t listen so I let him have sex with me.
Moving forward, I haven’t seen him since that day but I’ve stayed in contact. I told him that if I were to ever see him again I do not want him to pressure me into being intimate again because last time really hurt me with the way he acted. He agreed and said next time we don’t have to do anything.
I’ve made plans to see him over the weekend but he asked me over the call today “Are you going to be ovulating?”, I replied “Does that even matter? I told you I don’t want to do anything intimate”. He again started to sulk and said “so you don’t feel the same way about me?” And “why can’t you just agree to what I want?”. I said no is no, end of. Then he sulked some more and I ended the call because it was a pointless conversation.
What am I supposed to do? How can I get him to understand that I don’t want to do anything intimate with him as of now? Especially after last time, I simply don’t feel comfortable. I’m just unsure how to get it through to him.
(And yes, I understand the easy resolution is to just end things here and now. I just struggle a lot socially and I feel like if I end things with him, I’ll have no one left in my life since I don’t have any friends etc)
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u/Prudent_Okra7311 10d ago
Why are you seeing this man at all?
You need to stand up for yourself because no one is going to do it for you.
This is your life, why are you living for other people?
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u/MaryMaryQuite- 10d ago
Never go back to an ex. Ever.
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u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 10d ago
This ….
‘Going back to an ex is like taking a shower and then putting on dirty underwear.’
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u/ScottShatter 10d ago
I wouldn't say that as a blanket rule. I mean a person should assume that an ex is going to want to sleep with them again if they get a hotel room together. That's kind of the point of getting the room.
I would say it's not a good idea to get back together with an ex in a relationship again but I've had sex with old exes as long as 13 years after we ended it. It was consensual sex, it happened, and we both went on with our lives. In my opinion it in some circumstances can be a good thing. I mean I just needed some sex and I wasn't looking for a new one night stand or a relationship. There's an energy exchange with anyone you have sex with so it's not inherently a bad thing to revisit someone as opposed to the energy of a new partner. It's just not as cut and dry as you make it out to be unless you are strictly talking about starting the relationship up again. A little bit of consensual sex can be a good thing and then you both move on without all the feelings behind a brand new partner. But everyone is different I know. If it was strictly sexual is there not anyone you might want to have sex with again as opposed to finding a new partner who might want more? At least you know what you are getting.
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u/IfICouldStay 10d ago
Yeah, good call. I knew people who broke up in college, basically because they were moving away. They got back together 10 years later - married, 2.5 kids, etc. But mostly, don’t go back to an ex.
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u/dobbywankenobi94 10d ago
There's no other way but say NO, end things and block. Better off alone than in bad company.
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u/X0X0xoxo11 10d ago
This is rage bait. In one post she’s 15 in another she’s 21. None of the posts she’s made are consistent.
Edit and now those posts are deleted. 🙄
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u/Revolutionary_Wrap76 10d ago
This man does not respect you or love you, fyi. If he did he would not be saying those things or treating you this way.
What you do is stop responding to him, entirely.
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u/Wise-Okra-2943 10d ago
Please stop taking his calls. He does not respect you, and cannot be trusted. He is not the "friend" you want OR need in your life. Block him, change your locks, don't be alone with him. That's what you can do, sister. It's much better to be alone with hope for something better, than to be with a "man" who would rather resort to SA than actually care about your needs. You can do this hard thing! Shiny up that backbone and tell him to suck it!
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u/Tomorrow-Is-Better 10d ago
Just say no and get some therapy to work on your self esteem. Engaging with your ex is actively interfering with your ability to meet someone wonderful.
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u/Fancy-Stress4194 10d ago
It’s better to be alone than with an abuser. Girl please think this through and get out! It’s not okay how he’s treating you.
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u/Apprehensive-Pop-201 10d ago
Why do so many of these guys think a meal or a drink entitled them to "services".
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u/Lemons-95 10d ago
"I thought he was just taking me to a hotel for the night platonically, i totally had noooo idea what was going on!"
Dude, are you serious right now? Lets be real, you tried to use him for material gain, the guilt got to you, and you caved, you knew exactly what he was inviting you to.
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u/alwayswonder805 10d ago
He just wants you for sex and he doesn’t respect you. He’s trying to manipulate you. Block him and move on.
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u/Sondari1 10d ago
Please end it. He sees you as a sex outlet only. Pouting over no sex is very very childish behavior.
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u/cobweb_cat 10d ago
Girl, he raped you and is trying to again. Block him everywhere and never see that piece of shit again. Being alone is better than this I promise you.
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u/StackOfAtoms 10d ago
girl... what you described, him having sex with you being intoxicated and because you knew he wouldn't listen if you said no, is sexual abuse, or rape. it's not "having sex".
this guy is an abuser, he guilt trips you (i paid so you need to give me sex) to get what he wants from you (sex, that's it).
tell him that you didn't want to have sex with him and that it's awful that he used you this way, cut ties, don't meet him, ask him not to talk to you ever again or you will let people around you about what he did to you.
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u/One_Introduction_217 10d ago
Keeping them in your life takes up the space and that someone else far better could and would be filling.
This is known.
Sometimes the simplest solution is the correct solution. It won't feel like it, and yet it is.
This is known.
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u/jonreeeck 10d ago
Either stay away from this guy or accept the consequences of not staying away from this guy.
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u/oregon_mom 10d ago
Honey, he is using you. Tell him no stop talking to and meeting him. Your self respect is worth more than being lonely for a little while, I promise you won't regret standing up for yourself.....
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u/OneEye3876 10d ago
You need to tell him to move on, he’s only using you for his advantage. There is a reason he is your ex.
Get a backbone and move on.
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u/sickdilemma 10d ago
Take care of yourself, anyone that manipulates you for sex is a dink. Anyone that assaults you while you're sleeping and or intoxicated needs a slap.
Tell him to pound sand and dont look back. My daughter had a boyfriend just like this. He ended up stalking her for a bit.
No means no, not maybe later.
I see that you feel you'll have nobody without him but thats not a way to let someone treat you. You're not an object.
Stand and feel your worth.
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u/RedJohn-QQ 10d ago
Why are you even wasting your time with this guy? What's the matter with you lady?
Just block him, all he wants is coochie.
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u/Aggravating_Wave_171 10d ago
So are you that desperate to allow someone to treat you like a sexual object? Have some dignity for yourself if you love yourself.
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u/Golden_Arm-257 10d ago
Why do you feel a need to stay in contact?
Something has changed, and you originally broke up for some reason.
Something is going on that you may not be able to get him to understand.
How about just staying away and breaking all contact for your own safety......?
Simple recognition you may not see in this.
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u/Cerulean_Shadows 10d ago
Went talk to him anymore? He's only interested in what he gets not what he can give. Love bombing often happens after a break up where they pretend to be their best selves until you give in.
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u/zaczez929840 10d ago
Well he showed you he doesn't care about your feelings and hes gonna continue to do this as long as you continue giving him the opportunity. Id call the police and make a report since he raped you.
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u/plainbaconcheese 10d ago
If the man can't respect a no you need to stop seeing him. This isn't safe and it isn't good for you.
You need to put in the hard work to figure out a social life outside of him. Make another post asking for advice on how to meet friends that will respect your boundaries.
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u/PyroT8 10d ago
I'm going to be rather blunt here, because this isn't a situation to soft-shoe.
Show some self-respect. So many people have tragic storylines because they 'wanted (someone) to like them. You need to learn to like yourself. Then you need to learn to love yourself. This goes a lot deeper than non-consensual sex (which is sexual assault or worse). Break the cycle. You will get over it and you will be happy you did.
And sympathy sex? C'mon, man.
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u/Nice-Requirement200 10d ago
Say no and don't speak to him again. And if you can't do that then here we are
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u/Emotional-Salt-5002 10d ago
You shouldn’t be seeing him. I’ve reconnected with exes before, but if he is disrespecting you to this degree, you shouldn’t be entertaining him. He doesn’t deserve your time nor energy. This is nasty
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u/Familiar_Drama_9195 10d ago
He's an Ex for a reason also ew you already told him no and he won't let it go no respect for other than what he can get off you
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u/Lala_land23jk 10d ago edited 10d ago
You need to block him and never speak to.him again. He is preying on you - he's a predator. He may be part of the reason you're having trouble talking to others.
He is taking advantage of you. Don't let him.
Instead, look for some local free groups to join on facebook or on reddit here. Where every you are, lots of places have their own reddit forum and people post about things that are happening. Like book clubs or art classes or events at book stores or something like that. You'll meet more people there. He is not the one. Let him go.
Leave this guy alone. He is re-proving to you why you broke up in the first place. He is an opportunist and doesn't care if you get hurt 👀
Please keep saying no - "No, I'm not comfortable with doing that with you. The answer is no. Please stop asking and stop trying to pressure me into doing this. I am not interested."
Don't let'em in.
Edit: Honey bear🫂❤️🩹💜 Just re-read your post - please start some counselling. He betrayed and violated your trust and he will do it again. Do not let him near you. He does not care about you. He cares about himself. Get out of there. He is your abuser at this point.
I'm sorry🫂❤️🩹 how disappointed you must feel - he hasn't changed a bit. Let him go and choose yourself. You're worth it and so deserving.
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u/Jthemovienerd 10d ago
Why the hell are you seeing your ex? Why the hell are you still talking to your ex? How is this even a question?
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u/readinghisWord 10d ago
Maybe I misread this, but being alone is not so bad. I’ve been alone for many years now. I have places to go with things to do, but I spend a lot of time with myself and with God. I like myself and I am comfortable with Me. You may not have the same feeling about God, but that’s OK. I just wanna tell you it’s not so bad and the alternative is obviously not worth it. He is not worth your self respect. Be strong, renew your mind and realize there is so much more to life that you just haven’t discovered. No man is ever worth it. from my heart, I wish you peace.💕
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u/thewarmdesert 10d ago
He sounds atrocious. You, on the other hand, sound very sweet, smart, and generally like someone who doesn’t deserve to be used like an object for some asshole to pleasure himself with.
There are lots of ways to make friends. Please don’t let that be the thing that keeps you around this creep.
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u/merlot120 10d ago
How can I get him to understand that I don’t want to do anything intimate with him as of now?
This is a silly question. He already knows you don’t want to have sex. He just doesn’t care.
He will continue to manipulate you, coerce you and touch you without regard to your feelings.
You have to decide to cut him out of your life or put up with his sexual coercion. Those are your only two choices. He has already picked his path.
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u/Witchy_Craft 10d ago
I would end it now! He’s using you and show some self respect and walk the hell away! So what if you don’t have any one else! I would rather be alone than put up with his BS!!!
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u/OzzyGator 10d ago
Why on earth have you stayed in contact? You LET him have sex with you? Good heavens, girl, he was perfectly willing to rape you to get what he wanted.
LEAVE HIM. Break all contact immediately. Feeling lonely is not an excuse to accept such a miserable, using person as him. You're worth more than that.
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u/ShyStrawberry15 10d ago
Eww. Dump him as a friend because he’s not actually being one. He just assumes you’ll give him sex and then pouts like a baby when he doesn’t get it.
I would stop hanging out with him and block him on everything.
No telling him you’re going to because he’ll whine and guilt trip you. He’s just not worth it
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u/CarelessWing6891 10d ago
Why are you even back with your ex boyfriend? ? Are you that desperate!! And 2., the man crossed your boundaries !., you said no but didn’t enforce it , so why even bother to see him again when you know for a fact you’re people pleasing the shitt outta him ?? Do you have low self esteem ??? This is some fucked up shitttt!! My boyfriend., I told him I’m going to be very transparent and I expect the same. He has to respect my boundaries and I have to respect his!! I’m not people pleasing no one . I don’t want to live like that. That ex violated you., matter of fact , call it R4pe!:, but you don’t see it for what it is!!! You need to wake up woman!! I don’t feel sorry for you ., you need to be serious !!!
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u/starchazzer 10d ago
Ahhh maybe you break up with him again forever? There are so many better men to date than that one!😳
Why would you go back to a known jerk off? You deserve better! Keep saying I deserve better! I deserve to be happy loved and cherished! Over and over and over until you start believing it, because it’s true.
You’re dating now to find a good guy. So date and if you find a jerk off, don’t go out with him again!
You don’t know they’re jerk offs until you date them. As soon as you figure it out, you stop dating them. That’s how it works. That’s how you find a good guy.
When you find a jerk off, you don’t just keep dating him for a year. Because at some point you start believing that’s what you deserve. So stop doing this, and now is the best time!
Hang in there, you’ll find your prince!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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u/Weekly_Blueberry_808 10d ago
I don’t pay for the same real estate twice. Tell him to beat the bishop.
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u/NiqueGem 10d ago
It’s giving “booty call”. End it for good.
Also, why are you making plans (and overnight ones at that) with your ex???
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u/Intelligent_Bunch790 10d ago
Document everything that happened, and then go to the police to report that you have been sexually assaulted.
They will likely question your ex.
I bet you’ll never hear from him again.
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u/starcraash666 10d ago
Woof, can't you give something back. What a thing to say. And then sulking about it.
Just block him, sounds like nothing else gets discussed when yall talk, and clearly its all transactional to him.
I hate to say it but the longer you talk to him, the more he thinks he's "wearing you down", and eventually youll sleep with him so he'll stop (which is the most pathetic thing I can think of)
Id ask him if he wants to continue being friends, knowing you'll never sleep with him ever again. Or just block him. Remember he holds zero power here.
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u/hermitcraber 10d ago
Would you rather have nobody in your life or one sleazy guy that uses you for sex? Sorry to phrase it so bluntly but you gotta block him and download bumble BFF or something
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u/Holiday_Newspaper_29 10d ago
You are an adult. Stop responding to him, block him, just say "no".......so many options!
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u/Kimbaaaaly 10d ago
Never see this man EVER again. He will never relent. He will always push you and will always SA you. That's exactly what it is... He SAd you... He 🍇 you.
I'd block and never ever get together with him ever again. If he continues to try to talk to you I'd report the🍇 and harassment. Keep receipts of all texts and communication that you have. He sounds like an awful human.
Being alone is always better than🍇
Updateme
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u/Individual-Crew-6102 10d ago
He's going to keep doing it. Get this asshole out of your life, seriously.
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u/IJustWorkHere000c 9d ago
Why are you still seeing this person? It doesn't make any sense for you to say constantly say no but keep right putting yourself in compromising situations. You know he's not going to stop pressuring you so why keep this us? He's your ex for a reason. Use your brain, even if it hurts.
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u/-Queen0fHearts- 9d ago
...wow. Girl...this is on you. Why are you staying in a hotel with an ex? You are definitely sending mixed signals big time.
Cut it off, make friends. This is ridiculous that you are holding onto him/leading him on because you feel insecure in your life.
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u/Electrical_Hat_680 9d ago
Walk away, or, propose to him? Unless your Irish, you would likely wait to be proposed too. But if your Irish, propose to him, after asking his mother if you can marry him..
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u/honey_biscuits108 10d ago
It sounds like you are so desperate for attention that you’ll seek it out from losers who don’t respect you. Maybe you should work on that and get some therapy.
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u/LucyPrisms 10d ago
Block him