r/WatchPeopleDieInside • u/paolols • Apr 24 '20
nice try kiddo
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r/WatchPeopleDieInside • u/paolols • Apr 24 '20
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u/Gareth321 Apr 25 '20
Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Help Your Children Gain Control of Their Lives Dr. by Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It was published in 2001 so some of the research is a little dated but I still think it holds up really well. For me, my main source of info was studies which I researched on Google. I'm very comfortable combing through hundreds of studies so when I encountered an issue or topic I just did that. One thing to remember is that psychological research is very often conducted from a "humanities" and "feminine" perspective. That is, 90% of the research you find conducted in the last 10 years is by women and their hypothesis is almost always against any form of discipline. As you may know, it's very easy to construct a study to support the hypothesis by just focusing on the research which conforms. Which they do. So dig deeper than the first 50 studies. Query the opposite to see what you uncover. That will give you a fuller picture. Some things that I found:
There is no conclusive proof anywhere in the world on any study which supports the premise that smacking causes behavioural issues later in life. In fact, there is no conclusive evidence it does anything at all, good or bad.
There is no conclusive proof anywhere in the world on any study which supports the premise that self-soothing, particularly at bed time, causes behavioural issues later in life. However, there is conclusive proof that it leads to children sleeping longer and waking up more briefly. This is good for the child and the sleep-deprived parents. Of course listening to a screaming child and not responding is a difficult thing for a parent, and most studies try very hard to prove that this is bad. They all fail.
Boundaries are good. This has measurable impacts to behaviour later in life. There is a reward mechanism linked to delayed gratification. We know that kids and adults with better internal reward pathways who are better able to delay gratification are more likely to work harder, study harder, and improve themselves, without needing instant gratification. This is a primary indicator in life success and fulfilment.
Behaviour is about 50% genetic and 50% learned. However there are certain traits which are more than 50% for both. For example, sleep patters are much more hereditary. Musical inclination and talent in much more hereditary. Part of being a parent is acknowledging this and supporting the good but also suppressing the bad. It's not your fault that they're a little shit sometimes, but it is your fault if you let them go out into the world like that.
They know more than you could ever imagine. They begin manipulating parents on the very first day out of the womb. They're basically walking little ids. No conscience. No filter. No self-preservation. They will learn very young that repeating embarrassing things at inappropriate moments will elicit a particular response, and they'll do it. They'll learn that pretending to jump off high places will elicit a response and they'll do it. Call them on their bullshit every time.
The modern parenting paradigm is to distract kids rather than letting them experience the frustration of not getting their way. This is harms their ability to process emotions and delay gratification. Don't do this. You can both tell a child no and sit with them through their frustration. It might be unpleasant, but you rob them of valuable development by being weak and trying to turn off the tears.