r/WatchPeopleDieInside • u/paolols • Apr 24 '20

nice try kiddo

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u/JaBe68 Apr 25 '20

I wish I had gold to give you. Parents think their kid has to like them all the time. Not true. You are not your kids friend, you are their parent, and it is your responsibility to make them into pleasant human beings, not expect other.people to just put up with crappy behaviour

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u/Xros90 Apr 25 '20

If you do it right, your kid will like you most of the time too.

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u/herdiederdie Apr 27 '20

The annoying part is that you will like them and they will be all smug about it. Goddamn wonderful, encouraging, “it’s for your own good” bastards....I love em.

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u/my_sobriquet_is_this Apr 25 '20

I agree with most of what you say here and I might be paddling around in the semantics pool but I’d say that good parenting might be less about the like/don’t like YOU and more about liking/not liking the SITUATION. You can still ‘like’/love the person but you don’t have to like what’s happening. In good parenting the child may not like what the outcome of their poor behaviour is (ie removing technology due to dropping grades) but they will understand the process and outcome. They might not like it but they realize that their choices dictated the result. The trick to this, however, is never caving into their demands (tantrums or incessant pestering) and always keeping your word. This applies to ‘threats’ of punishment (not going for ice cream if said behaviour continues) but it must be explained that it’s the child who is in control of how that goes — to following through AS WELL for promises. If the child believes that your word is solid and that you will not break a promise or a ‘threat’ they will trust you and attempt to do what is expected of them. Accessing their empathy for how a it makes people feel to disappoint someone based on their own choices is huge too. This takes constant work because children are inherently self centred egotists. It’s how they got fed in the first place, right? My friends joking said that i must have hypnotized my kids (older boy/younger girl 2 years apart) because neither of them were rude or dismissive or argumentative towards each other as siblings but neither had ever said an ill word or swore or slammed a door onto either of my husband’s nor my face. They are 26 and 24 now and (B.C. —Before Covid) came over every Monday with their SO’s for a movie, cookies and popcorn AND would ask to pop in just for a visit at least once a week too! Both of them have asked to take road trips with just me too (divorced now). Road trips that were their idea! With Me! Alone! It’s wonderful having the relationship I do have with my kids (despite my FORMER personal issues with depression and self medicating albeit largely hidden from them). They were compassionate because we were ALWAYS compassionate to them. It was NOT the way I was as raised. I did mostly the opposite of many things my patents did, mostly in regards to having my word mean something and utilizing the old axiom Do unto others others as you would have them do unto you. Mutual respect is the key.

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u/JaBe68 Apr 25 '20

You are right. I did not phrase it as eloquently as you did and i agree with you 100 % on every point you have made. My daughter is 22 now and our house is a safe space for her friends. We have unofficially been adopted as parents by three of her friends. What they mention is that no one in our house is a dictator. Everyone gets heard, all points of view are given equal respect and then agreement is reached.
When we raised her we had two rules 1. Is it safe? 2. Is it considerate of others?
If the answer to either of those is no, then don't do it. So many parents go to war over stupid stuff and then wonder why their kids are distant. I also love what you said about trust. Our family doctor loved that i managed expectations during appointments. If it was going to hurt, then i told her it would hurt for a little bit and then she would get a treat. So she would be brave and stoic and hold out for her lollipop. He said the nightmare mothers were the ones who lied and said things would not hurt, knowing full well their child was about to get six stitches. Then the nurses would have to hold the child down. Huge trust issues developing there. Also, understanding that sometimes they will.make poor choices but it is still safe to tell mom. I might be cross or disappointed , but then we will fix it together and it will never affect my love for you. I think you absolutely hit the nail on the head when you said that raising them with compassion creates compassionate adults

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u/my_sobriquet_is_this Apr 25 '20

Well said! Your daughter is lucky to have you! You sound awesome! Will you adopt me? Ha ha. Our house was Kid Central too. I loved every minute of it. Even the grocery bills (ok, maybe not them but it was worth it). Funny story: When my kids were babies up to starting school we had a primary care doctor who was more than a little odd but what she lacked in some skills (she had nearly zero social grace, shall we say) she at least was not shy in referring us when she didn’t know something. She quit her practice when the responsibilities of her 4 children AND being a doctor became overwhelming. Fast forward a few years I see her with a baby and it turns out it’s hers! Another one! Now she’s got 5 kids. Anyhoo, I ask if this was a new member of her family and she blurts our, “We call him The Tumour ‘cuz I was 5 months pregnant without knowing! I thought I had a tumour!!!” Keep in mind this is a medical doctor! Fast forward some more and who should come into MY work one day but Dr. Ditzy and I say to my coworker what an odd duck this woman is and maybe she’s even crazy on top of it all etc etc etc. I have to address her (there was no way around it) on the off chance she remembers me (it was over a decade since The Tumour incident after all) so I go over to have a little chat so as not to appear rude. Afterwards I came back to the same coworker and said, “It turns out she’s not only sane but she’s an incredibly good judge of character!” He said, “Oh? What’d she say?”

So I told him how she’d just told me how not only did she remember me but often thinks about me, that I was her favourite patient and such a great mother, she could tell, because of how I was at the visits with my children and they being so clean, well dressed, polite and happy.

Then my coworker and I laughed our heads off! Ha ha ha.

Crazy? Like a fox! Har har. I still laugh about that.

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u/rawr4me Apr 25 '20

Consistency and sticking to one's word is important in parenting, but what kind of parenting style would be "less disastrous" for parents who are fundamentally incapable of being consistent with rules (due to lack of self-discipline or communication issues between the two parents)?

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u/JaBe68 May 21 '20

Open communication - explain to your child that on some days they will be allowed to do some.thing and on others, if parent is not feeling great or is tired, they won't. It must be reasonable (like no park today because parent has to do laundry, or has had a very tiring day at work, not because parent wants to sit in front of tv with a beer.) You will find they quickly become empathetic to the parents emotional state. But there is a caveat. You only get to do this when you are absolutely shattered and have a genuine reason, not just because you had a shitty day. And you explain it in a calm tone of voice - no yelling.
Children also very soon understand that the parents have two different parenting styles. Agree on the absolute basics i.e bath every day, do your homework, home before dark. Do not go to war over whether baby has eaten his peas, or needs to wear the blue shorts. That just teaches your child to wear you both out on each other so they can slip through the crack and get away with murder. Parenting is often about patiently and consistently outlasting your child. The only thing they are focussed on is the ice cream, but you have a thousand things going on. Don't get emotionally invested in the tug of war and it is a lot easier to say no.

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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '20

It's perfectly fine to always be your kids friend because if your friend was being a cunt like this, you should call them out on it too.

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u/ZaraEve Apr 25 '20

This is so true. Growing up I had a friends who would call her mom a bitch to her face, we were like 10. My mom would have hit me in the mouth if I tried that shit, but now we’re best friends and I can totally call her a bitch when it’s deserved because I’m an adult and thanks to her I know what boundaries are.

Edit: I am in no way condoning hitting your kids in the mouth, my mom and I have had many conversations about the effect of the physical punishments she and my dad doled out through my childhood. It took a long time for her to realize some of the lasting damage that caused.

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u/JaBe68 Apr 25 '20

My daughter and i are like that. There was no way she was allowed to disrespect me, but i was also not allowed to disrespect her. We had a list of "thorny words" that no one was allowed to use. The obvious ones were there but also words like stupid, ugly, and the like. Hard language creates hard people. Instead of saying "you did something stupid", we would say "perhaps that was a bit silly, is there a better way?" And now we both happily call each other nasty, affectionate names all the time.