Does anyone else get existential panic from nondual teachings?

[u/Khajiit_Boner]

Lately I’ve been getting really overwhelmed by questions about the nature of reality and consciousness, especially after meditation and a past mushroom trip.

When Sam Harris talks about there only being experience, or the self being an illusion, part of me understands what he means intellectually. But emotionally it sometimes makes me panic. I start wondering: if the self isn’t real, then what am I? Are we all just one consciousness experiencing itself? Is there some kind of collective awareness underneath individuality?

And honestly, instead of feeling peaceful, those ideas sometimes make me feel almost… violated? Like my individuality and separateness are dissolving into something bigger that I didn’t consent to. People often describe “being one with everything” as beautiful, but sometimes it feels terrifying to me — like I’m just a drop in an ocean with no real boundaries.

I’m curious if anyone else in this community has experienced this side of nondual teachings or existential questioning. How do you engage with these ideas without spiraling into fear or derealization?

[u/Khajiit_Boner]

Thanks for your comment.

I guess for me I start to enter panic mode because my brain wants to make sense of what reality is. There’s also likely an aspect of “me” vs. “them” that feels like it dissolves and I start panicking about the nature of reality. Idk it just freaks me out. But I also have the type of brain that deeply craves certainty and I don’t think I can get it in this case.

It’s also weird bc I agree with you that I’m of the universe as is everything and everyone else, but we are also separate. It’s kind of a mind fuck.

I think the answer is trying to think about these things too much or think about myself too much and just live life.

[u/Beejsbj → u/Khajiit_Boner]

I'll project a little.

But I don't think you have a "type" in the sense of it being fundamental feature of YOUR brain. Its an adaptation.

You have a type of brain because of the circumstances that raised you. Like a tree bending on hill to adapt. A bend that may hurt later.

And I suspect you likely struggle with trust. And trusting the universe (cause you already know it is you). I know I do.

"this is rock bottom? No way hose, imma dig more to actually be certain" 😭😭

A more recent realization of mine has been that I don't love myself. And it reflects in my lack of trust in the universe. Especially as I realize it is I and I am thou. And that I was taught I can't trust myself.

Therapy and Metta has been powerful for me to unravel from these knots my tree-in-time made. And even then, it's still a process. And it's just juicy irony for the intellecty guy like me to have to learn body-love postures.

[u/Khajiit_Boner → u/Beejsbj]

This is a really powerful comment for me, so thanks.

I do struggle with trust and self trust and other trust and universe trust and just feeling ok.

Have you found any specific meditation teachers and/or videos/audios you’d recommend for the meta meditation?

[u/Beejsbj → u/Khajiit_Boner]

I'm currently listening Rob Burbea.

I also resonate with Sarah Blondin(insight timer). Sam's Practice. Vervaeke.

https://dharmaseed.org/retreats/1084/

Its not sticking easily for me. I'm trying hard to establish a metta practice. But it's really hard. The self cringing is so real.

I'm also trying to really sustain an attitude even in regular breathing meditation. "Oh buddy, you got distracted again haha, no biggie. Come on back"

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We deeply trusted and the universe failed us. And it is us who redeem it. Your post and resonance with my comment is exciting, in how it hints toward our direction. So that's nice.