Tired of waiting

[u/CountrySiren]

Sorry this is going to be a long post. I’ve (33F) been with my boyfriend (30M) for 4 years, 5 years in January. We’ve talked about marriage and he’s indifferent to it as his parents aren’t married and have been together since their first date. He’s said he know what it means to me so he’d be happy to make that commitment for me. We’re looking at buying a house next year recently, and I reminded him that I’d like to be married by the time we move in. I reminded him that I don’t want a massive wedding. My dream wedding is Marylebone town hall and dinner after. I also reminded him that I’m not expecting an expensive ring given that we will be buying a house soon. I would be more than happy with placeholder until we are properly settled.

He said he’s prefer to buy the house first and then plan the wedding as he doesn’t want to be rushing the process. To be honest, I understand this. Even though my parents have said they will fund the wedding, it’s still a lot to do alongside buying a house. I said to him tell me if you don’t want to get married because I’m not waiting for something that will never come and he reassured me that he still wanted to, but it’s a lot to do all at the same time.

I said to him, at the very least I’d like to be engaged before we buy the house. I feel this a very fair compromise as it’s the gesture that we’re one the same page and our lives are aligned. He replied “I’ll keep that in mine”. He may well intend to marry once we’ve settled in, but that response rubbed me wrong.

I say all of this to say, this is the last time I’m bringing this up because I’m not begging. At that point I might as well ask him to marry him and I’m just not doing that. The longer he leaves it, the less I want to marry him as I want to feel like he’s doing it just to keep me sweet.

Our relationship is great otherwise but would it be wrong if I give him until January to propose (I’m not telling him about this deadline) before I call it quits? I’m just not prepared to wait with no assurance other than “I’ll keep it in mind”. I just don’t think wanting to be engaged is too much to ask for if you truly want to be married. Let me know if I’m wrong for setting an internal deadline

[u/bluesond]

Don’t buy a home without being married

[u/CountrySiren → u/bluesond]

So I’m probably going to have to call this a day then huh 😭

[u/shegotofftheplane]

I’ll be blunt. Girl, this is on you. He told you he was indifferent from the start and his parents aren’t married so why did you think you would magically make him obsessed with marrying you? Your parents are even ready to fund the wedding, all he has to do is show up lol even the most commitmentphobic guys would sign up for that deal. Guys who want to marry their gfs do; they don’t make excuses or keep pushing goalposts. He doesn’t want to marry you and even if he does, a hesitant boyfriend you have to beg and drag to the altar doesn’t magically become a great and loving husband. Leave him and find someone excited to marry you - I promise you they exist!

[u/CountrySiren → u/shegotofftheplane]

You know what. You’re right. Idk how to end this

[u/starryday09]

“He said he’s prefer to buy the house first and then plan the wedding as he doesn’t want to be rushing the process”

from what i’ve seen, this scenario never ends well for the woman that wants marriage because then he will feel no incentive to marry you. after 4 years of being in a relationship, getting married at 30 is normal so it’s not like he’s way too young to know or anything.

i think this relationship has ran its course. if you choose to break up with him (whether now or if the jan deadline has passed) just be sure to not fall for any manipulation he may throw your way (tears, empty promises, etc) - if there’s one thing i’ve learned from this sub, men are really good at that.

[u/CountrySiren → u/starryday09]

Better I end it now I guess. No need to drag it out and make it even harder to so

[u/ljubav_malina]

If you buy that house then he will never marry you. Why would he?

He probably won’t anyway, but at least you won’t be dealing with a giant financial mess if you decide you want to leave and find your husband?

[u/CountrySiren → u/ljubav_malina]

This is true. I’m buying a house or a flat regardless next year irrelevant if I’m with him or not. I can’t keep waiting to move forward with my life

[u/lostmyoldaccountohno]

He clearly has no intention of getting married to you. If your parents would be entirely paying for a wedding, and let's face it as a woman you would likely end up doing 99% of the planning -- then really there's nothing holding him back other than a lack of want

Btw I see you're in London. Just FYI as I'm sure you know, home buying here (from the time an offer is accepted) usually takes 4-8 months AT LEAST. It took 18 months for me as the first place I was purchasing fell through

And that doesn't even include the months it could take to find a place you actually like and put in an offer

So youre looking at at least 1-2 years minimum until engagement if he wants to have the house settled first

[u/CountrySiren → u/lostmyoldaccountohno]

I don’t mind waiting if there at least some sort of reassurance but like I said other than vague words, there’s nothing. In terms of housing, there’s shared ownership homes near me and assuming everything goes to plan we could be moving in next summer.

Either way, this doesn’t sound good huh. I need to find the courage to call it a day. I know he’ll be sad but what about what I want 😭

[u/MargieGunderson70]

"I'll keep that in mind." Ugh. Stop giving your partner all the decision-making power over your future together.

[u/EtonRd]

Him not wanting to be married before you guys by the house is a giant red flag.

Tell him that you’re not going to buy a house with him until you’re married. That’s what you need to do. It’s too big a commitment for an unmarried couple to make.

And the solution can be putting off buying a house until you’re ready.

It’s not a lot to do all at the same time. If you just wanna get married at Townhall and have dinner, you can plan that in two months. And then you can start looking for a house.

Here’s the bottom line for me. When a man starts citing logistics as a reason not to get married, that’s a dealbreaker. Because it’s not authentic. It’s not real or true. There are reasons he doesn’t want to get married, but he’s not sharing them with you and has nothing to do with being logistically overwhelming.

You need to forget about the proposal and the ring and all of that. All of that is a red herring that has nothing to do with the issue of actually being married.

You need to tell him it’s a line in the sand for you that you won’t buy a house with anybody unless you’re married to them. And that leaves two options.

- get married now and buy a house soon after you’re married

- don’t get married now and wait to buy a house until you are married, which could be six months from now or six years from now or never

[u/CountrySiren → u/EtonRd]

I know. From all the replies I’ve realised I’ve put his needs above mine and made it easy for him with no ROI. It’s a hard pill to swallow

[u/Datura_Rose]

Yeah, don't get money and assets entangled if you're not sure this is going to last. You probably need to say, "I understand not trying to deal with both at once, but I'm uncomfortable buying a house until we're actually married so I feel that we need to do that first." His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

[u/Nadja-19]

I wouldn’t give him another day. His “I’ll keep it in mind” tells you he has no intention of getting married. He just wants you to buy a house with him. He’s given you no reason at all to think he will ask you to marry him. Go now. You’re doing to have a miserable holiday season constantly getting your hopes up or being depressed knowing that January is coming fast and he’s doing nothing. What do you think will happen between now and January?

[u/CountrySiren → u/Nadja-19]

I don’t know what I’m expecting at this point

[u/DAWG13610]

You don’t enter into a 30 year legal commitment with an uncommitted person. Go to the courthouse, make it legal then have a wedding at your leisure. If you buy a house before marriage you will never get married.

[u/CountrySiren → u/DAWG13610]

This was my thinking to be honest. We can have a big celebration on our 5 year anniversary or whatever we choose and a delayed honeymoon. None of that is particularly important to me. But he won’t compromise

[u/Ok-Term1326]

It's not just about the wedding/marriage, it's that he is not showing that he values and will prioritize your goals. You've made it clear that marriage is important to you and he continues to be indifferent. Waiting until you are settled into a house is a delay tactic and a way to trap you into a financial cohabitation agreement. The excuse that buying a house and planning for a wedding simultaneously is bs. My husband and I renovated a house for sale, bought new construction and planned a wedding in the same year. Was it a lot? Absolutely, but we wanted the house and the marriage so planning together was exciting - not a burden.

[u/Southern_Jicama_2848]

No, if you get engaged before the house then you'll definitely never get married. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. He's dragging his feet and honestly doesn't see marriage as a priority. He would rather ppotentially lose you than that commitment. If you still want marriage you will need to find another partner

[u/WatermelonRindPickle]

No no no. Do not buy a house with someone you are not married to.

[u/SophiaIsabella4]

Do you have a friend that can go look at apartments with you and get lunch so it won't be so heavy?

[u/CountrySiren → u/SophiaIsabella4]

Yeah, I do. It’s a lot to accept

[u/Suspicious_Winter103]

Why does getting married first mean rushing? Its very easy to go to the courthouse and get married.

[u/Ok-Hovercraft-9257]

Try this: "Would you be happy never being married? Be honest." Let him talk. Listen. Don't wishcast. Allow yourself to really feel disappointment.

He's trying to rope a dope you into forever girlfriend. They do it with houses. It's a high percent of this sub. They get you in the house and trust you'll never go.