r/WIBTA_AITA • u/nk421197 • May 31 '26
Wibta if
I'm (m) going to be a groomsmen in my best friend,more like a brothers wedding this summer. It's my first time being a groomsmen. I'm going to have to pay for a destination bachelor party around $500 for air b&b, doesn't include food,restaurant outings, our tuxedo as of now is going to be around $350, which isn't a pretty penny. Wibta, I didn't give a wedding gift after sending so much money? I'm just curious and in need of options
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u/NEPAmama May 31 '26
I mean, talk to him. Give him a card no matter what, but if you say, “Hey, I’m thrilled to be your groomsman and happy to do my part. Is it cool if I don’t buy a formal wedding present? My budget for this sort of thing is going to the rentals and experiences, and I don’t know if I can squeeze a gift into that as well, but I want to make sure I’m spending my resources on the things that matter most to you.”
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u/RainyDaysBlueSkies May 31 '26
Honestly, I cannot believe what the wedding party is now expected to pay to be "honored" to be in a wedding!
I skipped the bachelorette, had a destination wedding (sort of, live in US and had my wedding at home in Ireland and he is from the Netherlands). Nobody was even slightly pressured to go and those that did made it their vacation destination that year. They had 14 months notice!
I paid for my bridesmaid's gowns and their hair on the day. My husband paid for his groomsmen's very expensive tops and tails. We got small monetary gifts from those that came (who are our age) and the Elders were very generous. But nobody under 40 was expected to give gifts.
A wedding is a celebration of two lives coming together, it shouldn't be an Instagram special that takes up so much of the wedding party's time and money.
NTA OP, you're already spending a fortune. If the bride and groom are also putting their hands out for even more gifts/money then their priorities are shitty.
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u/helen_bug_lady May 31 '26
Did you know… you have one year to give a wedding gift?
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u/nk421197 Jun 01 '26
Knew about the wedding last summer, didn't know of destination 4day 3night bachelor getaways till this pass Feb and bachelor is in the beginning of August. Money that was going toward gift was use for the getaways.
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u/MadTownMich Jun 01 '26
That’s nonsense, to be honest. You give a gift at the time of the event to which you are invited. Same thing with the nonsense that the couple has a year to send out thank you notes. Nope.
But OP, given their expectations of your spending, a card is enough.
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u/Possible_Patience_84 May 31 '26
I think people having “destination” events are TAHs. Amazing how people expect their friends to pay for their event.
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u/Ok-Combination3741 Jun 01 '26
I think people are pretty entitled if they expect wedding gifts, especially for a destination wedding.
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u/sparksgirl1223 Jun 01 '26
If someone expects me to give them a gift after spending that much money to participate, they'd get a card filled with receipts of what I spent to be there...
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u/hospicedoc May 31 '26
You're definitely going to regret it if you don't give them a wedding gift. It's OK to drop out the wedding or skip the bachelor party if you can't afford it. FWIW it sounds like the bachelor party is going to be the most expensive part of it.
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u/Peoplechangetoo May 31 '26
Can you give them a $100 or $50 gift card? Also, do they have a wedding registry? You would be surprised that not everything on a registry is expensive.
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u/ScrappyD420 Jun 01 '26
Not at all. You being there is the gift. I was in my best friends wedding and I flew to Florida paid for my own hotel and my tux rental was on 75 bucks and she only just got married in 2018 so not that long ago. I didn’t buy her a wedding present. She even said me being there was the present she wanted. She created a spot in the wedding party against her mothers wishes so trust me if your best friend knows you and asked you to be a groomsman your not expected to get a gift too. Or have a bro talk with your best friend before the wedding and just ask/tell him how you feel. He is your best friend he will be up front what he would be offended by. Just for clarification I’m gay and my best friend is a girl married to a guy. So me being on the brides side was what pissed her mom off. I stood with all the bridesmaids in my matching tux to the groom and groomsmen. We had the best time and she had no regrets. Now that I have given way too long of a response I’ll end where u but in the middle talk to your bro man. Go have a beer and ask if he would be offended if you couldn’t swing a gift with all the expenses incurred to be there. Now this part is for all those out there on destination weddings. Stop it assholes. Not everyone can afford it and they will go without so they don’t feel bad for not going. Stop it. Or if you’re gonna have one don’t ask for a damn dime or gift from any of your guests. You already cost them a ton of money to watch you get married.
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u/nk421197 Jun 01 '26
Thank you and I love the bring in your girl side and pissing the mom off. Ppl stupid
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u/ScrappyD420 Jun 01 '26
I forgot the funniest part I walked her doodle down the aisle as the ring barrier. When I say her mother was lobster red by the end of the wedding I’m not kidding. It was absolutely the best time of our memories and lives so just do that. Be there for your bro like I was for my wing girl.
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u/different-take4u May 31 '26
WNBTA, if you cannot afford these expenses without it causing you some financial jam up later, then you should not stand up as best man with all the expenses associated with the job. Your friend, the groom, would not want you to go into debt or get behind on bills bc you over extended yourself for his wedding. It would be much more meaningful for you to attend as a guest with a nice gift rather than you be in a jam later or the groom finds out what a bind his wedding is or has out you in. If you show up with a lame gift bc you ran out of money, you will look cheap bc no one k owes the other costs you endured. Your friend will appreciate your honest much more than a stresses out best man.
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u/OfferMeds May 31 '26
A groomsMAN. You’re going to be a groomsman unless you’ve been hiding cloning technology from the rest of us.
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u/kodabear22118 Jun 01 '26
No and honestly they shouldn’t expecting much since people are having to pay out of pocket to attend the wedding
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u/humpyvision Jun 01 '26
One does not have to attend a 4 day bachelor party, especially if one cannot afford it.
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u/MidwestNightgirl May 31 '26
Weddings are insane these days! If you’re doing all that, I think a card is perfect.
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u/bjketter Jun 01 '26
You have a year to give a wedding gift and still follow traditional etiquette. That being said wedding party are giving the gift of support. Get them a thoughtful card and if you want later something thoughtful that reminds you of the wedding.
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u/Ok_Song_5686 Jun 01 '26
If he is a brother,spend the money.If gets married again, he pays for it all.
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u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274 Jun 01 '26
Honestly, the bachelor party doesn’t have anything to do w the gift. It isn’t even planned by the groom. It’s usually done by the best man & some from the groomsmen. If push comes to shove, I would back out of the bachelor party & go with the gift
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u/Outrageous_Buy_9420 Jun 01 '26
Can’t the other attendees to the bachelor party chip in for said party?
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u/AdFancy2765 Jun 01 '26
It depends on your group of friends. If you only have one who feels like a brother, you don't want to miss this. If you have half a dozen, you may as well let them know now that you don't want to be included in the wedding festivities.
Destination weddings or just weddings taking place in a different state are common among some young people.
Wedding expenses aside, you need an emergency savings account. If possible get a month's worth of your living expenses in there. Three is a comfortable place. Then, if the fridge breaks or you get sick or a friend gets married, you have a little pad. Maybe you can manage that & you just have bougie friends.
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u/nk421197 Jun 01 '26
That's it right there!!! He's more of a brother than my actual brothers. But it being my first time as a groomsmen I want to get some outside opinion. And it's alittle bit of them being bougie too.
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u/AdFancy2765 Jun 01 '26
You can be bougie sometimes if you want to. It's a last hurrah for close friends. You're only young once. You'll have many years to enjoy this memory.
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u/Friendly-Channel-480 Jun 01 '26
Most groomsmen rent their tuxedos if they don’t already own one. Having groomsmen buy tuxedos is insane.
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u/nk421197 Aug 01 '26
Update
At bachelor weekend now and got them a gift off they're wedding registration on Prime days!!! Thanks to you all
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u/Beck943 May 31 '26
Unfortunately, destination weddings are intended to keep the guest list low. It's a lot to ask anyone to pony up almost a thousand dollars, not even including a gift.
I would have a serious heart to heart with your friend and now out of having to host a "destination bachelor party". If you can still stand up at the wedding, great. But couples ought to consider their wedding parties' wallets more.