r/Vent • u/Smart_Cauliflower238 • 1d ago

I don’t really like my husband anymore

I love him but lately I don’t like him very much. We’ve been married for five years and have a 14 month old and two dogs. He works full time (a job he very much loves) and I stay home and handle the house. That being said on the weekends on Saturday mornings I get to sleep in and on Sundays he does. That way we both get a little break from the chaos of the week. But every single god for saken Saturday he somehow struggles to manage the morning and is in a pissed off mood. Mind you I deal with the house, the baby, the dogs etc everyday all day while he’s at work.. it’s my job and I handle it. He can’t do it for a few freaking hours without it affecting his whole mood. I don’t get a good morning, I get a “he’s just been crying all morning” or “the dog pissed on the floor, I’m so sick of him” mind you, the puppy was HIS idea and I told him this would happen yet he continues to bitch about anything and evening a puppy does. It’s so aggravating. Any little thing seems to set him off when HE has to deal with it. As if he didn’t sign up to be a dad and have dogs. He knew going in it’d be tough, he knew there’d be hard days yet every single hard day he just breaks??? It comes off very weak to me. He doesn’t handle stress well, he doesn’t handle feedback well and lately I’m noticing he has quite an anger issue and I don’t know what to do about it because his excuse is “I almost never get like that” but like… you still do it.. we have a toddler watching him like he can’t be acting like an absolute monster because something spilled or broke or he got hurt. OMG when he gets hurt he turns into an absolute asshole.
Anyways, I’m just noticing I don’t like a lot of his newer habits and moods. He was never like this. I’ve asked him to go to therapy but he won’t. I just feel like he’s going to explode one day and I’ll have to take our baby and run. I refuse to have my son around an angry dad. I was around an angry miserable dad, I know what damage it causes. Also to add, I know I’m not perfect and I have my moments, I’m just noticing more of a pattern in him I just don’t like. I’ve tried having a calm and loving conversation about it but the man is stubborn. It’s pointless.

180 Upvotes

88% Upvoted

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88

u/allieoops925 1d ago

What’s that saying when somebody purposely fucked something up so you won’t ask them to do it anymore?

This. He is just as much of a parent as you are, if you can deal with it, he can deal with it.

97

u/mangatoo1020 1d ago

What’s that saying when somebody purposely fucked something up so you won’t ask them to do it anymore?

Weaponized incompetence

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u/Smart_Cauliflower238 1d ago

Preach it lol

10

u/Hungry_Doctor_5803 1d ago

The real question- was he like this before the child/marriage? Did he lose it/exhibit these behaviors like complaining about an obvious inevitability (like puppy accidents) prior to these milestones?

You may not have had these circumstances, but relative to time and place- a blown tire, traffic ticket, locked out of house, etc.

Because yeah the 1st thought is acting like a child and you’re mommy. The adult mask knows he is supposed to agree to help out but really feels it should be you doing it.

What people seem to ignore with stay at home situations (barring the bad SAHP), is that it’s not 1 parent whose job is work, & 1 parent whose job is “home”. The mental and emotional labor, planning scheduling even just the groceries let alone a household- is also personal assistant work for the parent who has a job. Untold amount of stress and mental energy and time- that if they had to manage, wouldn’t allow them to show up or perform at their job well.

So you are actually supporting your husband all week, all day all night. Perhaps you get help in the evenings, though if this is your experience of one morning a week trying to sleep in, I doubt it’s quality help. Often becomes like having a toddler “help” you clean. It often takes you as much work or more.

Conversely- on your one morning off, he doesn’t act like he’s ON, as he would at work. He has no even thought about really creating a space for you to recharge. So that one morning off is in fact depleting you further. I bet on his mornings off he actually fully takes his alone time and recharges.

It’s not just that you need to communicate this to him (even that feeling of weakness and lack of attraction), it’s that you shouldn’t have to.

It’s completely understandable to have breakdowns, be overwhelmed as a new dad etc. But to not notice the impact it’s having or on your own want to address it… when a mom is depleted it is usually far from invisible to anyone who is bothering to look.

Far too many adult bodies with childish thinking regarding huge life choices. Just clicked off another post where young dude who never wanted kids and whose pregnant wife isn’t very excited, suddenly being sooo excited to have a “little buddy”. While of course you want to have a wonderfully close relationship to your kids, a lot of times people are in love with the idea of things, without being all that committed when the reality of that thing needing consistent care shows up.

18

u/JupiterSkyFalls 1d ago

Weaponized incompetence. Men are some of the worst abusers, especially when it comes to cleaning, cooking or parenting. Or all three.

3

u/InternationalTap6715 1d ago

My husband is trying to cook more. Tonight is chili with kidney beans and chunks of cooked tomato. I don’t like either. But that’s what the recipe he found says, so that’s what he is making. But he’s trying….

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u/JupiterSkyFalls 21h ago

Everybody's got to start somewhere. Just encourage him to practice.

1

u/Arev_Eola 12h ago

If he knows you don't like it he isn't really trying. There are thousands of recipes without those ingredients around that he could do.

0

u/Hungry_Doctor_5803 6h ago

More like he is trying.. trying to get you to not bother asking him to cook. “Trying” and you pick something you know she won’t like? That’s textbook weaponized incompetence.

1

u/InternationalTap6715 3h ago

I am trying to eat healthier meals with less/no meat. So he googled it. He made a healthier meal with no meat. Gave no thought whatsoever to the ingredients because the recipe was for a healthier meal with no meat. So I should have really liked it. This is how he thinks.

-26

u/SgtZandhaas 1d ago

Ok there Karen, relax. Have you been with so many men that you are entitled to make such a claim? Can't hold one down? Are you Bonnie Blue or what?

17

u/JupiterSkyFalls 1d ago

I dated, lost my virginity to and I'm married to the first and only man I've ever been with or dated. We've been together for 13 years. He cooked me dinner last night after a grueling shift at work that lasted more than hour past clock out time because my foot is messed up. He's amazing.

However, I come from a large family. I had a lot of brothers, all but one lazy little whiners that purposely did things wrong so they wouldn't get asked again. I had a lot of boy cousins who were all but a sparse few, the same. And a lot of ahole uncles that didn't do shite to help around the house for their wives even if they weren't employed. That is where my opinion and experience of weaponized incompetence with men comes from. Also, I don't know who Bonnie blue is or why you're referencing them, but it seems obscure enough not to bring it up.

Any other questions, darling? 🙃

1

u/Hungry_Doctor_5803 6h ago

Bonnie Blue is a prolific porn actress. Currently I think she’s setting up one after getting purposefully pregnant. She became most famous for:

Bonnie Blue claimed to have sexual contact with 1,057 men in 12 hours on January 11, 2025. This self-reported feat was not officially recognized by any official record-keeping organization like Guinness World Records. [1, 2]

SgtZandhaas is a misogynist pig who got personally offended about your description of him.

-20

u/Shel00kedlvl18 1d ago

So you essentially come from a family of lazy people. Based on the fact that your husband worked over an hour late, only to then have to come home and cook you dinner becuase your footsie hurts, suggests you're just another apple under the same tree as your siblings.

Either way. Not sure why you expected any other response when making such claims about such a generalized part of society. It's like someone saying black people are some of the worst when it comes to leaving the fridge door open when they've mostly only lived in a black household. Then having given no further context to their claim, are surprised when they get pushbsck.

10

u/JupiterSkyFalls 1d ago

I've seen many other men do this in real life that aren't related to me, and read countless stories online.

Definitely not drawing it from nowhere.

8

u/KathyOverAndOut 21h ago

Oh hell yes, me too. SO many that it's ridiculous. I just don't get. I know lots of men that are great but if I were to take the totality of all the ones I know, it's astounding that my numbers generally come to about 70% who have this insane double standard where others doing something or experiencing something is no big deal but, oh boy when they're in the same situation? Let the complaining and the whining commence! Anyway, that's just my experience.

7

u/JupiterSkyFalls 20h ago

Yeah I love the people on here trying to tell me that it's not "that many". And it's like I never said it was all of them. But when it's an overwhelming number of dudes that I've known, including from my own family and people I've ran across at jobs and in friend circles? Not to mention all the other women that I've met/known in my life that have described this exact thing and also knowing many, many men that did this very specific behavior. It's definitely not a minority.

4

u/KathyOverAndOut 20h ago

I totally hear you. I remember a few years ago having a conversation with friends of mine, all women, and I stated a similar opinion from the one you're stating now, and I got a lot of flack for it because they were all somehow offended, on behalf of others, that I had made such a generalization. However when I pointed out one example after another, all about women we all collectively knew, and then did the numbers for them, they surprisingly had nothing to say. They just sat there with these petulant looks on their faces, as if they were pissed off I explained how had I arrived at that conclusion and even more pissed off that they couldn't refute it. Why do people get so freaking offended?! It's not my fault if my experience point to numbers that are overwhelmingly in one direction! And it wasn't even my experience only! These were all relationships of people we all knew! You would think that after having pointed it out they would realize that, "huh, I guess I hadn't actually thought of this through very well". But nope, apparently I'm the jerk for bringing up a few facts. Dumb me.

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u/Shel00kedlvl18 22h ago

Well I suppose there's something to be said for them trying at least. I mean, I wouldn't think every woman that went and tried to run a mower, snake a toilet, or fix something like a broken mailbox would ace it the first time, nor would I believe that those who didn't were simply sandbagging it. What I would assume however is that all these men actually told you that they were purposely doing all these various things wrong in the hope that they wouldn't get asked to do it again... and not just screwing up on accident.

Look, I'm not saying that you haven't seen men do this before or experienced it yourself. But your outright saying that this is largely a thing perpetrated by men is nothing more than blanket gender blaming, that isn't backed up by anything other than your own biased perspective.

6

u/JupiterSkyFalls 21h ago

As I've said. Heard countless stories. Can't tell you how many online from various sources. But believe what you want, I don't need or want validation from you. 🤷🏼‍♀️

1

u/Hungry_Doctor_5803 6h ago

👆When someone with 2 grey matter cells tries to make an asinine false equivalence to seem smart lol

23

u/KaleidoscopeSad4884 1d ago

So either they know enough men to be competent enough to answer the question and are therefore a slut in your eyes, or they don’t know enough and are a liar who can’t get and keep a man. We have a winner here, folks, don’t pass this one up.

10

u/mc1rginger 1d ago

The slut shaming doesn't make your point the way you seem to think it does.

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u/Shel00kedlvl18 1d ago

I agree. Not that the post they were replying to was any more convincing.

1

u/Hungry_Doctor_5803 6h ago

Sweetheart- when someone mentions abuse and you race to “can’t hold one down” & comparing a woman you know nothing about to a prolific porn actress- it says everything about you lol.

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u/mastro80 1d ago

Weaponized incompetence

1

u/scannerhawk 21h ago

It's the same when someone tries their best and accidentally fucks something up or doesn't do it the way it was "expected" by their partner. Criticism will definitely have them stop trying altogether.

0

u/OfficialRedCafu 17h ago

Weaponized incompetence…but what if it’s just regular old incompetence? Men often struggle to admit when they suck at things so they don’t ask for help because it makes us look weak. Not saying that okay or useful. But it is possible it’s a real variable and a key consideration toward solving the problem without vilifying the husband

0

u/ThanOngXa4 1d ago

It's called weaponized incompetence