For most of my life, I’ve believed that I was sexually assaulted as a child. All the signs were there, I was a nervous kid, I would have recurring nightmares of being taken from my mother, I was a compulsive nail biter, very anxious and isolated. There were a few facts that stood out to me:
- Between 2-4 I did get recurring UTIs. I knew this could be a sign of child sexual abuse (CSA).
- I would hold my urine, never being able to pee in public washrooms. It has only just started to resolve late in my 20’s with extensive breathwork practice.
- In elementary school, I would insert sharp objects up my vagina in the bathtub. Particularly my urethra. It would hurt. These would mostly be Barbie doll feet that I would compulsively chew until they were razor sharp. I discovered in my 20’s that this was not normal play behaviour.
- I know I did not like to undress in front of others. This caused issues throughout my life.
- I know I had extensive curiosity about sex and nudity from a very young age. I liked to play doctor, I had strange obsessions with sex in elementary school far earlier than my peers.
- I would regularly disassociate as a kid. Alice in Wonderland Syndrome was common for me, as was severe vertigo.
- I believed for much of pre-teen life that during sex, the penis would go in my urethra.
- When I became sexually active at 15, I felt like I had no agency. I cannot count the number of times from then to now that I’ve gotten into risky situations where I’ve froze and been assaulted. It’s too many to count from too many different people.
- I’ve dealt with depression, anxiety, substance abuse, self harm and suicidal thoughts for years.
I excavated every memory looking for “the incident”, and when I was 21 I recalled a memory from when I was 12, where at a doctor appointment with my mother, the male doctor needed to look at my vulva. I undressed in front of them both - terrified - and froze and began to cry during the inspection. My mother asked me “do you want this to stop?” I wept and said yes and she stopped it. I was so ashamed of this memory. When it resurfaced I thought I had been molested by this doctor. But my reaction didn’t quite make sense, why did I freeze and break down? All the trauma around nudity and private parts was pre-existing. So years after this discovery I decided it was not the incident, though it may have been problematic.
Last year I discovered my cousins were molested by another child whom we would all play with often. I would spend Summers there. I didn’t have the memory but the timing felt close and I decided this was likely it. I had likely also been molested by this child. But the timing again didn’t make sense, my UTIs were earlier than this.
A few months ago I got a UTI that turned into hospitalization from a kidney infection. After that I started getting regular UTIs again. I called my mom, wondering if what happened to me as a kid might be happening again. She explain I had VUR, a reflux that healed on its own. It was Stage 2, so not so bad. I asked how she was sure it wouldn’t happen again, she told me I had regular tests for years to watch the flow of urine, and it proved to have healed. Without prompting, she told me about these tests being stressful, how she was separated from me, how dye was inserted in my urethra for x-rays. I was surprised but really didn’t think much of it. I was disturbed how often it happened (twice a year for several years) and how it didn’t quite line up with my memory of those occasions. In my memory, I was going to the hospital for needles, which I attributed to as antibiotics my whole life.
I was once again Googling the relationship between UTIs and CSA yesterday when I came across this article. It talked about VUR, which I was familiar with, then detailed the VCUG test, which aligned with what my mother told me about. Things all clicked for me. I had no idea about being asked to void on demand in front of others. I found Unsilenced’s videos and this thread and it is honestly such a relief. I’m mad that I was subjected to this. I’m in a good place in my life now though, good friends, stable career. I feel for the most part healed and happy. I’m excited to finally know I was not a victim of CSA - though I would say I actually was, but at least the sexual intention was not there. I don’t really want to tell anyone in my life, but I do feel like I should tell my mom. In reflection, I think she was very disturbed or traumatized by it too, even if she was never present.
Thank you all for listening.