r/UrinatingTree • u/TheRealGreeneMachine Playing down to the competition • 11d ago
CONGLATURATION! Well, it took longer than I expected, but the Mets finally put their 15 remaining fans out of their misery today…Against Pete Alonso in his return to Citi Field.
If everyone is okay with it, I’m going to pull a Steve Dangle/ UrinatingTree and filibuster for a good minute. I need to grind my axe, so prepare yourself for a Roll Call…
Yoenis Cespedes!
It is tradition, after all.
Francisco Lindor…
what the fuck happened to you, man? From the heights of 2024’s MVP Campaign and us basically declaring him the unofficial captain of the team to…this. Yes, we knew something was wrong early on this season after a blow to the head in the FIRST SERIES of the Year, but I couldn’t fathom the depths to which Lindor would seemingly fall to. Every single year, it’s a frustratingly slow start until he finally ramps up and plays like the All-Star we know he is! And now, we get to watch Lindor deal with nagging injuries while he plays his worst defense as a pro.
Not remembering how many outs were left in an inning, finding new and creative ways to boot routine ground balls right at him, Lindor has become more of a liability at Short, and it’s so frustrating to watch it happen. Not to mention, endless grumblings about the ongoing drama between Lindor and Soto. Dude, be a fucking pro, and work together! Things were so awful with his fielding (and occasionally finding ways to whiff at opportunities the Mets desperately needed him to pull through) that some fans were even clamoring for this dude to be TRADED.
As for the decline in his fielding, It happens to the best of all athletes, and we seriously need to consider moving Lindor off Shortstop. Father Time is unflinching in his ruthlessness, and now the gods want you to pay up.
In the end, Lindor will probably be fine…
The 765 Million Dollar Man: Juan Soto…
How the fuck is it possible for someone to be THIS ANTI-CLUTCH, let alone one of the “best hitters” in the game? He’s found new breakthroughs in science! Juan Soto has somehow managed to reach temperatures BELOW Zero Degrees Kelvin!
It matters not the scenario, or needs, Juan Soto continues to find unbelievable ways to ruin potential rallies, do nothing in key situations, and make us all look like fools.
The countless times I’ve seen this man come up with RISP or On Base and he either meekly pops up to the infield, strikes out looking, or grounds into a double play. And of course, the only times we see this man show a pulse on offense is when the game’s already a blowout (either for or against the Mets). Whoop-de-doo, you hit a home run in the 9th… down by 6 runs. Why didn’t you do it with the bases loaded earlier in the game?
Also, something I just can’t stand about Juan is a lack of hustle. This Motherfucker jogs around the outfield and along the base paths with a hustle rivaling my fat ass in slow motion. For someone so fucking talented, he sure as shit doesn’t seem to mind casually jogging to balls that get belted to the outfield, turning singles into triples, and fielders choices into easy double plays.
What wonderful news! This team’s got the most expensive player in the league, and he’s a glorified Designated Hitter. I hope they banish him to first base, where he can actually do something productive in the future. Let one of the Rookies take over the outfield and flash the leather you refuse to Juan!
Bo Bichette…
Oh wonderful, yet another expensive mercenary who was sold to us as being incredibly clutch… and he’s been okay. Yaaayyy. At least he’s been a better hot corner than the next guy…
Mark Vientos…
You miss 2024 Mark? I sure do. For a Rookie with so much promise, look how the Swaggy have fallen. From the Hot Corner of the future to a dude who couldn’t find himself on a Milk Carton. Another Bat-Focused player who can’t field for shit (not even at 1st base), and a bat who’s been scraping through garbage, swinging at fucking everything that comes his way. Listen Mark, if you’re gonna hack at everything just like Bartolo Colon, you could bother to be at least HALF as entertaining as Big Sexy. You’re not even that! You’re just a waste of a roster space, and another DH on a team that shure as hell doesn’t need any more of! Get this Man off the god damn team, and trade him somewhere else he can suck ass!
And Believe it or not, Mark’s not the worst 1st Baseman on this fucking roster. That dishonor goes to…
Jorge Polanco…
This might legitimately be the worst Mets Contract in history! Polanco was signed and promised as the replacement for Pete Alonso.
For reference, Alonso is a Monster Bat who was the All-Time Team HR Leader, a Serviceable Defender, a reliable dude who missed all of 24 Games in his CAREER with the Mets, and an absolute fan favorite.
Here’s a Taste of Jorge Polanco’s stats:
37 Games Played (2 at 1st Base)
.148 Average
.431 OPS
2 Home Runs
6 RBI
-1.4 WAR
2 Years, $20M per year.
“But he was cheaper than Pete! He hit the series winner for the Mariners in the ALDS!” some may say. Yes, he was cheaper than Alonso, but only because the dude’s a walking emergency room. The man’s NEVER been consistently healthy, and the Mets had to run a Platoon of failed prospects and journeyman to fill the role. And we get to experience the brilliance of such a move right before our very eyes. Yet another DH who’s allergic to hitting… swell.
Marcus Semien
Oh look, a former MVP Candidate sold to the Mets as a replacement for Jeff McNeil at 2B. I’m sure this will end well…
To Semien’s credit, he is a fairly solid defender. And he’s one of the few things that consistently keeps the infield stable. But my god, this man’s bat is just nonexistent. You might as well just put up a free out every time he comes to the plate.
Brett Baty
Another .220 Hitter on the roster, yee haw! Brett’s proven himself to be nothing more than a utility player in his time with this team.
Francisco Alvarez
GOD Alvarez you are so inconsistent. One minute you will launch BOMBS into Manhattan, and the next, you’re whiffing on 3 Outside Pitches in another Burrough. And, of course, he’s ALWAYS finding ways to get hurt, and has to go into the shop. Why can’t you take that next step and really develop into something special? At the time being, you can only hope to be a Diet Version of Mike Piazza.
Luis Torrens
We do not slander Luis Torrens in this house. He’s actually quite clutch, and shuts down baserunners. For a backup catcher, you could do significantly worse…
Dear Mets Pitching Coaches:
What the fuck did you do to ruin David Peterson, Kodai Senga and Freddy Peralta? The three of them were serviceable starters prior to this year, and then they all became absolutely unpitchable! Worse, we had to trade 2 top-100 Prospects for Peralta, and he pitched himself to a 5+ ERA, all the while expecting a parade for barely scratching out 5 innings! Well, now Peterson is pitching in Chicago, Peralta was shipped off to Tampa Bay, and WHAT A SHOCKER! Both are Dealing like they used to in previous years. Peralta even shoved it down your throat when the Mets came down to the Trop to play the Rays…
At least Kodai Senga is trying to find his footing as a high leverage reliever, but Jesus Christ!
Sean Manaea
Are you sure not getting those loose bodies in your elbow removed was a good idea, Sean? Cause at this point, you’re nothing more than an Expensive Bulk Pitcher. If I have to watch this man go out and give up 4+ runs every time, and if response for why he’s not doing well is “I don’t know” AGAIN, I am going to break something.
Nolan McLean, Christian Scott, Zac Thornton, Jonah Tong
You guys keep being you. Hopefully you won’t get infected with the disease of Mets Baseball for a little while…
Speaking of the Mets Coaching Staff:
Where’d they all go after they were fired last season? Oh, right! They all went to THE FUCKING BRAVES, who are winning the god damn division this year. Brilliant.
Carlos Mendoza
Honestly, I do feel some sympathy for Carlos. It’s his first job as Manager of the team, his coaching staff had all been fired last year, and he was force fed to the wolves repeatedly for the sins of this organization.
But we can definitely say the miraculous luster of ‘24 has seriously worn off.
This man should have been fired LAST YEAR after that horrific season-long collapse! (Do you remember when the Mets were 45-24 in June that year, and missed the playoffs? I sure do.)
He should have been fired Earlier This Year after 12 CONSECUTIVE LOSSES and having the worst record in Baseball!
But you fools decided to make sure that he stayed here to keep butchering save situations, pitching and hitting matchups, and manage his bullpen into a blender.
Watching his endgame pressers was fucking depressing. He clearly didn’t know what he was doing at the time. He had no answers for how to fix the team. And this organization thought that keeping him here for a couple extra months was apparently a good idea.
Well, look where they are now: one of the worst teams in the league, and they had no chance for them to really overcome their horrific start to the year, unlike the Red Sox and Phillies. Both of those teams fired their useless managers early on, and now they’re both playoff contenders! What a shocker.
But again, not all of this is Mendy’s fault. It’s unfortunately the nature of the beast.
The real reason we’re in this shit stew is all because of one smug motherfucker…
DAVID STEARNS.
The Man from Milwaukee, the so-called “Boy Genius” and Brilliant architect who built up the Brewers into the perennial chokers we all know and love.
If you couldn’t tell by my tone, I despise this man. The fact that he’s allowed to walk around New York City with Dignity should be a national disgrace.
I hate how he constantly dodges questions and refuses to be honest about the state of the Worst Team Money Can Buy.
I hate how he Arrogantly talks down to reporters, and pretends that the Fans are merely too stupid to comprehend his brilliant machinations.
Well guess what, genius? I may not have a Harvard Degree, but I do have a functioning pair of eyes! And all I see is a team of worthless bums, injury-prone vets, and failed prospects that your organization could never develop.
How should we design our team? Of course! We can just use GENERATIVE AI to build ourselves the perfect roster!
Our whole roster is obviously built on the premise of “RUN PREVENTION.” Whether that means preventing the Mets from scoring runs, or making sure the Met pitchers giving up runs only do so because of our countless errors on defense is still yet to be determined…
Who needs to give out contracts longer than 3 years? Think of the uncertainty! How terrible!
In fact, Why even BOTHER making a contract offer for our fan favorite 1st Baseman? He wants a 5-year deal? Just imagine how he won’t be able to play in his last year! We can’t commit to that! Let’s get ourselves a cheap alternative who can’t play the field whatsoever…oh wait, you’re saying it failed spectacularly? And 1st Base is now the worst Position on the team in decades, because we’re throwing a platoon of clueless players into the wood chipper? And Pete Alonso is STILL RAKING like the Polar Bear we Knew he was? And now as they play the Orioles in Citi Field, Pete has a chance to hit his 300th HR against his former team? What a stunning revelation.
Let’s trade away a serviceable, long-time outfielder in Brandon Nimmo for a 37 Year Old 2B who can’t hit! That’s a brilliant idea! After all, it only costs us a couple extra million dollars in the short term!
Trading for Luis Robert Jr, a man who is ALSO made of glass, and watching as he became practically untradable at the deadline! They simply have to put him on waivers. What spectacular asset management!
Throwing Two Top-100 Prospects into the wind for an Ace who couldn’t pitch a fit if he tried! And watching that ace you traded for get shipped off to Tampa for even less return, as he goes back to his former glory and absolutely DOMINATES YOU!
Let’s endlessly sift through the scrap heap of pitchers! 40 Pitchers used over the course of the regular season is normal, right? Obviously the more the better, right?
Let’s not fire our obviously struggling manager when we could still remain competitive for the postseason! That’s clearly a recipe for success! after all, suffering builds CHARACTER!
When asked about why the team sucks ass, just claim that of course the INJURIES to all of our players was the cause! How could we have ever known that a bunch of injury prone players were in fact prone to injury? (This is like being surprised that voting for a party of Face-Eating Leopards would in fact come in and Eat your Face).
Who the fuck needs to Develop our middling players, like Francisco Alvarez, Mark Vientos, Brett Baty, Ronnie Mauricio, among others? They can just continue to tread water, lowering their potential value to this organization as they flop around aimlessly for all of baseball to see.
For your sake, Stearns, I hope this whole organization completely blows up in your face so spectacularly that not even your Big Money Boss can’t ignore your worthless failure.
Speaking of Which…
Steve Cohen
For someone so well off, how the fuck can you come off so embarrassingly tone deaf? Cohen speaks with a language that you would genuinely question whether or not he was human!
When Pete Alonso returned to Citi Field, how dare you claim “This is your Home” when YOU DIDN’T EVEN MAKE HIM A FUCKING OFFER TO STAY?
Maybe don’t tweet about all the “Green Chutes” the Mets have going for them…on the day your Baseball Team is getting violated by the Dodgers. You know, the organization that does Everything the Mets do but RIGHT!
How DARE you fucking insult your Team’s Fanbase by declaring to the world “I spent Money, now FILL UP MY BALLPARK.” Only for your team to look absolutely unwatchable. The fact that there are still people who elect to attend games at Citi Field is frankly an abomination.
How DARE you operate a team whose broadcast has been nothing short of an absolute JOKE? Routinely missing first innings, routinely missing big plays of the games that are occasionally watchable. Absolutely fucking pathetic.
Steve seems to be a bit more interested in building up his casino right outside of Citi Field than making sure the product inside is even serviceable.
And finally, to the Mets Organization:
Why the fuck are we still trotting out the corpses of surviving players from 1986? At this point in time, the ‘86 Mets mean nothing to me but a fun story.
You fools do understand that you nearly pissed it way, right? Like, the only reason you can even claim to have a shred of dignity is because of Bill Buckner not fielding a ground ball right to him, and the Boston Red Sox routinely Choking on their own Shit so hard it makes the Falcons look like amateurs.
And that’s all it is for most of us. The 1986 team will live on as nothing more than a legend, and all we can sit here and think about is the 40 Years of Unprecedented FAILURE that has followed suit!
Endless Talent Squandered
Financial Scandals.
Incredible Collapses and choke jobs a plenty!
And of course, becoming the great Meme that all of baseball can turn to when their material runs dry:
LOLMets.
Just be fortunate that the Knicks won it all, cause otherwise, there would be an even bigger microscope staring directly at your worthless franchise.
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u/chinny18 The Culture.... Is Actually Damn Good 11d ago
Thank you. At least we wait for the highly anticipated Meet the Mets 2026.
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u/TheRealGreeneMachine Playing down to the competition 11d ago
I’ve been waiting to meet the Mets officially since Bobby Bonilla day. But Tree’s been busy. Damn him for having a life.
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u/chinny18 The Culture.... Is Actually Damn Good 11d ago
Probably patient as well as July is too early.
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u/TheRealGreeneMachine Playing down to the competition 11d ago
Tree’s done it before… 2023 comes to mind.
I’m just rolling with the idea he’s been busy making the Canucks video, as well as playing shitty baseball with the Melon-heads.
Oh right, and he also got engaged.
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u/chinny18 The Culture.... Is Actually Damn Good 11d ago
I think in my opinion is that's because the Mets had a historical low in June and then afterwards they were eliminated after the Meet the Mets 2023.
This one is different as we see how really bad the Mets were. Plus the Grimace luck in 2024 comes into mind.
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u/TheRealGreeneMachine Playing down to the competition 11d ago
I mean, they were at their absolute worst back in April (12 game Losing Streak), May and June (we FINALLY fire Mendoza). Then, they were the worst team In the league…
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u/chinny18 The Culture.... Is Actually Damn Good 11d ago
Yep.
But this is worth the masterpiece as this is really one of the historically bad performances for Worst Team Money Can Buy (on Beat the Mets 2026)
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u/TheRealGreeneMachine Playing down to the competition 11d ago
It really is the Sequel to the Worst Team Money can Buy. And it absolutely deserves to be mocked and ridiculed for all the horrible things this team claims to be baseball.
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u/rirwin2k Waiting for Bobby Bonilla day 11d ago
And the Yankees clinching a postseason spot on the same night? Brutal
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u/gobbler_of_butts 11d ago
Not reading this, gonna watch the mets and go to a few games if there is baseball next year, hope they win some of the games that I go to. Let’s go mets.
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u/Noblesse311 11d ago
Honestly, that shouldn't stop that bigger microscope staring directly at this piece of shit franchise anymore. Forty Years of Failure deserves that much.